This is a one-off so please, no demands for a sequel--okay? I've got
SMAirhead to finish as well as Meta-Matics and Tree of Doom.
Anyway, I'm inspired now after meeting Roland Parliament (voice director
of SM, and Melvin) and Stephanie Morgenstern (Sailor Venus)!
Whimsical Sailor Street
By Omega
Episode title: Waaaaay Too Many Girlfriends.
CAST
The Roommates:
DARIEN - Stud who always gets into hot water.
NEPHLYTE - believes he was destined for better things.
KUNO - overspeaking Kendo trainer.
The Girls:
LITA - Tough girl, crude: says the 'f' word.
RAYE - sweet & virginal, but sadistic streak. Posessive.
MINA - Art-fag type. Obstentatious and very social. Paints a lot.
SERENA - outrageous Canadian accent. Nice girl, but a bit slow.
AMY - Smart and studious. A lush.
ACT ONE
FADE IN
INT. SAILOR STREET HOME - DARIEN AND KUNO - EARLY EVENING
DARIEN arrives home as KUNO is practising his Tendo moves.
DARIEN: I'm getting a good lay tonight!
KUNO: Why? Retiring to bed early?
DARIEN: No! MINA is having a party tonight and I'm invited.
KUNO: So?
DARIEN: MINA is the girl I met while playing a game of 'Twister'.
KUNO: A childish game! Only a fools would spend an hour contorting their
bodies in strange positions!
DARIEN: I'm not sure why, but it was kinda exciting!
KUNO: So she is destined to be your latest conquest?
DARIEN: Naw. She was a one-nighter. I told her I'd love her forever and then
I tossed her away along with the condom. Actually, I'm going there
because her friend AMI will be there.
KUNO: Aaaah...
DARIEN: She's incredibly smart. Even so, I won't hold that against her--
I still think she's cute.
KUNO: Have you not forgotten your lifemate, SERENA?
DARIEN: Oh, cut that 'Destiny' crap! She's gone away with her parents,
so I guess I'll be having some fun!
KUNO: How can you even think to betray your woman?
DARIEN: Aw, she's just my girlfriend. Besides I'm having trouble dumping
her.
KUNO: You should do well consider the folly of your ways, lest you break
her heart.
DARIEN: Forget it. I'm gonna have fun at the party, even if YOU decide to
come!
KUNO: (aside) Hmph. If all the girls at the party were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be at all surprised.
DARIEN: Where's ANDREW* and NEPHLYTE ?
KUNO: ANDREW is upstairs pursuing academic matters; NEPHLYTE, employed.
*ANDREW is always referred to yet he never appears on screen.
CUT TO
INT. ABACAB RESTAURANT - NEPHLYTE AND CO-WORKERS
NEPHLYTE is cutting sandwiches, while two of his coworkers, ZOYCITE
and MALACHITE are standing nearby having a cigarette, dropping ash
into the hollandaise.
ZOYCITE: He had a glass eye. He didn't tell me -- it just came out in
the conversation.
MALACHITE: You don't say!
NEPHLYTE: Oh, man. I've gotta get out of this hole. You guys make me sick.
MALACHITE: Gotta problem?
NEPHLYTE: If you chimney stacks stayed away from the food, no.
ZOYCITE: Look, MALACHITE. NEPHLYTE thinks he's better than us.
NEPHLYTE: Take a bath in the deep fryer, jerk.
ZOYCITE knocks away the sandwich that NEPHLYTE was working on.
ZOYCITE: Ah ha. It seems I've put the 'sand' back into 'sandwich'.
NEPHLYTE: (holding out hair covered sandwhich)
You slime! I can't serve this to the customer!
ZOYCITE: Why not, dear? That hasn't stopped us before.
NEPHLYTE gets so angry he throws a bottle of vinegar at them. Missing
his target, the bottle smashes into an open container of baking soda.
Foam begins to rise...
ZOYCITE: Look at what you've done, you fool!
NEPHLYTE: Oh, shit.
The concoction begins to mix with nearby sauces, and a huge explosion
of sludge covers ZOYCITE. The noise brings in CHEF BERYL.
BERYL: What the hell is going on?
MALACHITE: (pointing at sludge) ZOYCITE has been buried alive under this
sludge!
BERYL: Has the equipment been damaged?
MALACHITE: Uh, no...
BERYL: Thank Hell! NEPHLYTE, clean this mess up.
NEPHLYTE: (grumbling) Yes, ma'am.
MALACHITE: (kneeling and holding up ZOYCITE's head) Speak to me, ZOYCITE!
ZOYCITE: I'm such a pretty mess. <gasp> I'm sorry, MALACHITE...
I guess that... that...
MALACHITE: What is it, honey?
ZOYCITE: (gargling) Looks like...dinner's....on me.
BERYL: All right. Who's responsible for this fiasco?
MALACHITE: (pointing to NEPHLYTE) He did it.
BERYL: I will brook no such failure from my sub-ordinates.
Remember that I put JEDITE in cold storage?
Everyone shudders. Cut to scene in restaurant meatlocker.
JEDITE: So...c-c-cold!!!
Back to the kitchen.
BERYL: I have decided on your fate, NEPHLYTE. It will more severe
than JEDITE the unfortunate...
NEPHLYTE: Please, CHEF. I beg you!
BERYL: NEPHLYTE, you're fired!
CUT TO
INT. SAILOR STREET HOUSE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
The phone is ringing. KUNO is picking it up.
DARIEN: I hope it's not LITA.
KUNO: Wherefore? (picking up phone) Hello. Oh, salutations to you, RAYE!
...Yes, he is present. (to DARIEN) It is for you.
DARIEN: Oh, no. If she finds out I'm going to the party, she'll want
to come too.
Split screen of DARIEN and RAYE talking on the phone.
RAYE: Darling! How's my angel in tight pants?
DARIEN: Uh, fine...dear...
RAYE: Are you up to anything tonight?
DARIEN: Well, uh, actually I am. You see, I have to wash ANDREW's cat,
ENDYMION. I, uh, promised.
RAYE: But why, my widdle bunny? Can't ANDREW do it himself?
DARIEN: Er, no. He's... uh, well... allergic to cats -- yeah that's
right -- so I have to do it. Really.
RAYE: I hope you aren't lying to your dear, sweet girlfriend...
DARIEN: Hey, have I ever lied to you?
RAYE: You wouldn't wanna have me cover your naked body in honey
and worms and let my pet ravens play with you, would you?
DARIEN: (A huge sweatdrop appears on his head) Uh, no.
RAYE: Oh, well. Too bad you're busy. It would've been great to see you
at MINA's party tonight. Ciao!
DARIEN hangs up the phone.
KUNO: Did I hear you utter an untruth to RAYE?
DARIEN: Long story...I sorta got involved with her when SERENA and I
sorta broke up.
KUNO: And you 'sorta' sought to deflower sweet, innocent RAYE?
DARIEN: The bitch plays with fire, man.
KUNO: Ah. But RAYE does still persist in corralling you.
DARIEN: Uh, yeah. I kinda forgot to tell her it was over.
KUNO: I see. But then who is this LITA of which you referred earlier?
DARIEN: A one night stand at a club.
KUNO: Describe her appearance. Was she a lovely maiden?
DARIEN: It was so dark, I couldn't tell. I saw her face only in the
fitful light of a post-coital DuMaurier.
KUNO: Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practise to conceive.
DARIEN: Man, if she sees me making my moves on AMY, she'll skin me alive!
DARIEN gets up to leave.
DARIEN: The stress! I'm taking a nap.
KUNO: Retiring so soon?
NEPHLYTE walks through the door. He's lighting a cigarette.
KUNO: Was work satisfactory?
NEPHLYTE: (lying) Oh, I quit.
KUNO: Did you? Really.
NEPHLYTE: (lighting a cigarette) Yeah, I'm tired of working for the
Man! This society is too bourgeoise for my refined taste.
KUNO: (upset) Zounds! How will you manage to pay the rent?
NEPHLYTE: I'm embarking on my career as a writer!
KUNO: I said, how will you manage to pay the rent?
NEPHLYTE: (lighting a cigarette) Money, money, money! Who needs it!
Just listen to this poem I wrote on my way home:
The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
They lay. They rotted.
They turned around occasionally.
Bits of flesh dropped off from time to time.
And sank into the pool's mire.
They also smelt a great deal.
KUNO: (to himself) Failure has gotten to his head.
NEPHLYTE: (throwing the lousy lighter away) Are you going to MINA's party?
KUNO: (swinging his Kendo sword) No, for within the first break of
sunlight I must practise Kendo.
NEPHLYTE: (pulling out some matches) You're going to miss some of my
readings there!
KUNO: Ye Gods, no! Why there?
NEPHLYTE: Hey, the best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and more
than a little drunk.
KUNO: Well, better them than me.
NEPHLYTE: (cigarette is lit; takes a drag)
You'll never get a girlfriend if you stay home all the time.
KUNO: Foolish man! Sometimes women can be a substitute
for masturbation--but it takes imagination.
NEPHLYTE: (butts out cig) Time for me to go. Don't forget to wake DARIEN.
Doorbell rings. NEPHLYTE goes to get it.
NEPHLYTE: I hope the Girl Scouts aren't trying to sell magic tiaras again!!
NEPHLYTE opens the door. Standing there is LITA,
a tough looking gal.
LITA: Hi. Is DARIEN home?
NEPHLYTE: He's asleep. Get KUNO to wake him, I'm heading out.
NEPHLYTE exits house. LITA walks into the hallway, closing the
door.
LITA: What's eating you? (yelling to KUNO) Yo, KUNO. Get yer butt over here!
KUNO appears in hall, carrying his kendo sword.
KUNO: Hello? Yes?
LITA: I'm LITA. But please call me MAKO... LITA is too girly, y'know.
Can I go up and wake up DARIEN?
KUNO: He does sleep heavily...
MAKO: Perhaps a dose of my patented 1-2-3 Body Slam technique is in order?
KUNO: Sorry, I am not sure if I heard you right.
MAKO: (pointing at KUNO's sword) Hell, I'll use that instead!
KUNO: No! No one may touch Nabiki!
MAKO: It has a name? You are so weird!
KUNO: Nabiki takes care of me. In case of danger I carry her with me,
and in case of real emergency, I use her as a cane to gain sympathy.
MAKO: But can she keep you warm at night?
KUNO: Listen to me, MAKO. With my Nabiki at my side, I will live forever...
or die in the attempt!
MAKO: Oh brother. Is DARIEN going to MINA's party, or what?
KUNO: Does DARIEN's attendance hold meaning for you?
MAKO: Hell, yeah. I stopped by the liquor store on my way here.
(holds out brown paper bag) I got this mickey so DARIEN and I
could get real wasted y'know. Maybe pick up some chicks!
KUNO: I am confused. Are you not the one who shared herself with DARIEN
one night par excellence?
MAKO: Oh, ya know about that, huh? Well I'm not very choosy about my
partners. Oh, I don't need to say that, do I? You live with the guy!
KUNO: I must advise you that DARIEN is attempting yet another conquest.
MAKO: I know that! A threesome might be fun, though...
The doorbell rings.
KUNO: (opening door) Yet another visitor graces our humble premises.
Standing in the doorway is SERENA.
SERENA: Is DARIEN there? My Dad had to do something important today, so
my parents've decided to leave tomorrow instead. Okay?
So it looks like I can go to MINA's party after all! Cool or what???!
END OF ACT ONE
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omega@torfree.net - Proud member of #SkAS#
Skuld Appreciation Society, Goddess of De-buggers!
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