in my personal opinion, this fic is currently screwed all up.
i ask you to c&c the basic ideas and characterization, because
i know that the flow and continuity is shot to hell.
that is, c&c it IF you can even understand what's being said or
if you can get through it without turning off your editor in
disgust.
it's just that after all this writing, i want help. i'd hate
to fix up a story and find out that i screwed up a fundamental
concept.
don't let that stop you from flaming me, though.
== ==
The Feminine Mystake by PhoneyNT
== ==
PANTI (personal aesthetic neural throughput inducer) initialized.
Interface enhancements: indentation
title and ending arrangement
*** PANTI reports incoming transmission. Displaying.
To: Reader
From: PhoneyNT
Re: Author's Note
For those philistines in the crowd, the title is a play on the title The
Feminine Mystique.
Oh, and, Masahiko IS a male name, despite the 'ko' at the end.
Either that, or there's one pissed-off-at-his-parents Japanese boy at my
school. We talked once. Masahiko Yamaguchi was his name.
*** EOF encountered. Memo display terminated. Story transmission pending.
Please enjoy your selection.
-
She slid the items onto the counter and grunted, "I'd like these, please."
The boy behind the counter looked at her and leered. "I bet you would.
Let me ring them up." He began sliding the boxes across the scanner. He had
had a hard day, but this babe was making it up for him fast.
"Thanks," the girl murmured, barely audible. She kept looking at the
counters and floor and candy rack. She looked up into Masahiko's eyes and
told him to wait for a second.
"Sure," Masahiko complied. He watched her, or rather, watched her rear
end go grab some sodas and candy bars from the freezer and candy rack, then
let them fall them unceremoniously onto the counter. He snatched them up and
rang them with lightning speed.
"Hold a second, please," Masahiko said. The girl fidgeted nervously but
nodded.
Masahiko scrawled his name and number on a slip of paper behind the cash
register, then tore the receipt from the machine and put the telephone and
receipt into the plastic bag together.
"Could I have the dark bags, please?"
"Of course," Masahiko grinned, then put the light plastic bag into a dark
one and handed it to the girl. He winked at her, but she didn't seem to care
or even notice.
-
"I'm home," Ranma whispered. No one responded.
"Good, maybe she's asleep," Ranma thought.
It was late, the house was dark, and Ranma didn't want to wake anyone up,
especially not now. She creeped up the stairs, her bag rustling.
"Almost there...almost there..." she thought to herself as she approached
her room step by step. Suddenly she remembered that the plank she was about
to let her next step rest on was the squeaky one. Her foot was already on the
way down. She tried desperately to maintain her balance and back up.
"I can't hold it...I can't hold it...aargh!" panicked Ranma, then her foot
came down on the plank. It squealed most loudly.
The door to the guest room opened and a shadow entered the hall.
"Oh, you're back! I was asleep. I almost missed you!"
"That would have been horrible, Auntie." Ranma moaned.
"Don't exaggerate, Ranko. It's not ladylike. Did you get those things?"
"Yes, Auntie."
"Come on in then."
Ranma obliged her, and as she entered Nodoka closed the door behind her.
Ranma sat on the floor and Nodoka sat down opposite her. She upended the bag
and out spilled the purchases. They were hard to see in the half-dark. Ranma
stood up and kicked the panda away from the window. Nodoka looked dis-
approving but had to admit the moonlight was helping. She took a closer look
at the stuff.
"Ranko! How can you eat these things?"
Ranma answered by grabbing a bar, unwrapping it in one mighty jerk, and
biting off half of it at once.
"Ranko! Remember, act ladylike! Otherwise you'll never attract any males
despite your good looks."
"Yes, Auntie," Ranma sighed. The only male he was supposed to attract was
Akane. And here was his mother trying to get him involved!
Nodoka resumed her perusal of the purchases.
"Yes, a girl has got to be ready for those times of her life, and I don't
think anyone's ever told y--what's this?"
She lifted a scrap of paper out of the bag.
"The receipt, of course," Ranma answered, perplexed.
"No, this! Masa...hiko...and some numbers...why, Ranko!" Nodoka looked
up, radiantly.
"What?"
"Well, well, well! So you've been playing the field, eh? For a while, I
was thinking you were...you know..."
"Um...right."
"I remember when I was your age, I was so foolish then...but I had so much
fun with boys. Did I ever tell you how I came to marry your father?"
"No, but I'd love to hear it," Ranma said with more relish than she
thought she felt.
-
10:00 PM. A younger Nodoka and a Genma with short hair sat outside a
house.
"Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it?" Nodoka said, slurring her words. She
hiccupped, then continued, "Those twins are some wild ones."
"Yeah, well, yeah, well, could we do this again sometime?"
"Sure, Genma honey! Give me a little kiss, would you, you handsome
devil?"
"Sure, sure, sure, I take requ-requ-requests," Genma's speech was broken
up.
Genma leaned over and kissed Nodoka. "Wow, that's good."
"Don't I know it, honey," Nodoka grinned stupidly, "boy, this is a lot of
fun, eh?"
"Yeah, fun, fun!" Genma grabbed Nodoka and embraced her, kissing her all
the while.
"Yup, whoa, I've never felt quite like this before."
"Ya know what I heard?"
"What?"
"I heard of people who were drunk and ended up...doing...you know. What
idiots, eh? No self-control," Genma laughed aloud.
"Yea, no self-control at all. Well, those people are dumb enough to get
dr-drunk anyways. But not us!"
"Nope, not us."
Genma's head flopped forward as a sudden wave of vertigo overtook him.
This took him right into Nodoka's tunic. Drunk or not, male instincts took
over.
"Wh-whow, Genma honey, that's nice," Nodoka giggled, then she hiccupped,
"No! Stop!" as Genma started to remove the tunic.
"What?"
"It's cold out here. Inside." she giggled micheivously.
-
Ranma listened to Nodoka, mouth agape. "No way."
"Remember, this is just between us females."
"Ah...I'd hate to know all your secrets," Ranma tried to back out of it.
"Nonsense!"
"So uh...did you feel bad?"
"Yeah! I felt so guilty the next morning after I managed to recall the
events of the previous night. But let me continue."
-
Nodoka walked to Genma's house and knocked on the front door. Genma came
up, opened it, and blushed.
"Uh...Nodoka...baby...I'm sorry...I was drunk, too...ummm..."
Nodoka, although not entirely as skilled as she would be in the future,
was a force to be reckoned with. Today, she was ready to use that force. Her
katana flashed out of its scabbard and the point was at Genma's neck in a
flash.
"I should spear you where you stand."
"Ah...er..."
"What was wrong with you? You took advantage of me!"
"Um...I..."
"I better not be pregnant, or I will kill you."
"Uh..."
"In fact...I'll kill you right now," Nodoka said, then the muscles in her
arm tightened and she drew the blade back, then shoved it forward.
She stopped halfway when Genma suddenly cried, "Wait!"
"What, coward?"
"I have something to say."
"And what's that?"
Genma was trying to think of something to say.
"Well, see, the way that things stand and all--"
"Don't stall!" Nodoka warned evenly.
Genma gulped, his Adam's apple contacting the blade of the sword and
sending shivers through his entire body.
"Uh...well, see, I want to ask you if..."
"If what?"
"Uh, if you'll, uh, marry me. Yes, will you marry me?"
"What? You do that to me and then you want to marry me? You have showed
you have no concern for me at all, you bastard!"
"No! We've been dating for seven months and I want to marry you. Last
night was just a fluke."
"Hmm...so you love me?"
Genma nodded his head up and down furiously. "Y-yes! I love you more
than anything!"
"Okay...I'll marry you. I love you."
A bead of sweat dripped down Genma's forehead.
"I guess I won't kill you now."
With a flourish that came dangerously close to Genma's head, she sheathed
the sword, turned around, and skipped back towards her house.
Genma stood there, stunned that his ploy saved his life, not aware yet
that he had only around half of his hair still on his head.
"M-married..." he wondered.
-
"He admitted his love at swordpoint?" Ranma asked, incredulous.
"Yes, I don't mind, it was different from other peoples' boring professing
love by moonlight."
"But how do you know he loves you for real?"
"I know. I feel it, or used to before he left, in every word he said and
everything he did, in the morning, all day, and," she coughed, "at night."
Ranma shuddered. His old man? Doing that? Best not to think of it.
Nodoka turned back her futon and slipped into it.
"Go to sleep, Ranko. We'll finish our discussion in the morning."
"Uh...okay, Auntie Saotome!"
Ranma stood up and practically tore off her clothes, turned back her own
futon and started to leap into it when someone cleared their throat.
"What did I say about nighttime apparel?"
"Um...I don't remember," Ranma lied.
"Cover yourself!" Nodoka proffered a set of folded bedclothes. "I knew
I was right to keep these here."
Ranma grumbled and put on the frilly garments.
-
Early morning. As in 2:00 in the morning.
"Hey! It's not morning yet!"
"Yes it is! See that?" Nodoka pointed to the "AM" on the alarm clock.
She picked the tired Ranko up, ran into the bathroom, and flipped on the
lights.
"Well? Get yourself cleaned up. I'll get out your clothes."
Nodoka accordingly left the bathroom. Ranma bathed quickly and was out in
about five minutes. Not forgetting to splash himself with cold water, he
went back to the guest room. Nodoka was waiting for him.
"Guess what I've got for you?"
Nodoka gestured in the dark towards Ranma's futon.
Ranma silently cursed the entire world as she attempted to put on the
dress.
After the struggle, she waited in the downstairs living room for about
fifteen minutes when Nodoka came down, dressed to kill.
Nodoka practically pushed Ranma out the door, grabbed her hand, and led
her running into the shopping district.
"Let me tell you, Ranko, being drunk is horrible, but while you're drunk,
it's one of the most relaxed times of your life."
"Uh...so?" Ranma nearly tripped, since they were moving so fast.
"And partying is fun. Especially for girls."
"How does this apply to me?"
Nodoka gave Ranma a funny look, then continued, "There's a lot of fun
things you ought to be doing as a girl, Ranko."
"So?" Ranma asked, nonplussed.
"We're going out, Ranko. You're gonna find out why you should be lady-
like. Seriously, you're a damn shame right now, but I'm going to fix that.
Now come along..."
-
"Ah...just the place."
"The SAP Site? What, only saps go in?
"No," Nodoka chuckled, "The Surface-to-Air-Pleasure Site. A nightclub.
We're going now during off-peak hours so a pretty girl like you won't get
mauled. Not like you could get mauled while I'm around, but you never know."
"Great..." Ranma followed Nodoka into the club.
The bouncer looked the two up and down. Nodoka's tight dress couldn't
hide a five yen coin, but he had to frisk Ranma. The bouncer whistled to her
as she entered the club, "Wow, what a pretty girl! Have fun!"
"Being a girl sucks," Ranma thought.
Once inside, Ranma was surprised at how noisy and how hard on the eyes the
place was. Blue and red lights, people talking, and a ten thousand watt music
system all blasted at once.
Nodoka led Ranma up to the bar.
"Let my friend here have some brandy. However the best way you make it."
"Sure thing, dame," the bartender said, squinting at Ranma, "she looks
underage, doesn't she?"
"Here's one thousand yen for every year you add." Nodoka grinned, then
handed the cost of the liquor plus four thousand yen to the bartender.
"Sure, she's old enough. Let me get the drink."
Nodoka looked at Ranma and asked, "Ranko, have you ever drank? I don't
advocate it, but, as part of your...rehabilitation, shall we say, I think it's
required."
"No, never drank, it's bad for a martial artist."
"Now, my husband used to always drink, and he's still pretty decent. Hm,
I wonder where he is right now."
"A training trip, as usual," Ranma said, hating every word as it came out.
"One brandy?" the bartender interrupted.
"Yes, thank you," said Nodoka, winking. The bartender grinned foolishly.
"Here, Ranko, here you go. Drink it fast for a blast or slow for a smooth
rush."
Ranma's face didn't register the shock she felt at hearing her own mother
saying such things as she lifted the cup to her lips. She experimentally sip-
ped at it.
"Yuck!"
"Oh, come now, don't be so stingy. Drink faster."
Accordingly, Ranma took about five sips at once.
"Say...this isn't bad."
"Good! Now, drinking is something anyone can do, but being the center of
someone's attention for a few hours is something only a girl does on a whim."
"Uh...?"
"Ranko...see that guy over there?"
Ranma turned her head to the right and saw a man sitting at a barstool.
"Isn't he good-looking?"
Taking in the man's appearance, Ranma quickly identified what "good-
looking" meant. "Yeah," she supplied.
"Go over to him."
"What? No way! You think I'm ga--" Ranma started, then remembered who he
was masquerading as.
"What? Yes, I think you're going to. Go tap on his shoulder and talk to
him. Ask him about his night and if he has a girlfriend, and it will go from
there."
Ranma stood up and walked to the man.
"What is this, some kind of joke?" Ranma wondered to himself, "Oh well,
might as well play along."
Nodoka watched from her barstool. "That was easier than I thought. She's
not very shy at all," she grinned, "I wonder what her secret is."
"Hey, good-looking!" Ranma smiled her sweetest smile at the man.
The man turned around and looked at her. Ranma's eyes widened in shock.
This wasn't a man, it was a boy. It was Masahiko from the store!
"Oh, hi again," Masahiko said smoothly, trying to contain his joy at his
good fortune.
"What a fool," Ranma thought. "So, how's it going?" she said aloud.
"Fine. Please, take a seat. Please!" the boy said, proferring an
adjacent barstool.
Ranma sat down on the plush barchair and set her brandy on the bartable.
Masahiko's eyes widened appreciatively watching her behind squish against the
chair. "So, do you have a girlfriend, honey?" Ranma said, trying not to burst
out laughing.
"No, but I wish I did. If someone were to be mine, I'd treat her like she
was my god or something."
"Really? I wish that could be me."
"It-it could be." Masahiko couldn't believe it. She was asking to be with
him!
"Could it? I'd like that."
Nodoka was still watching, when suddenly she saw a man in a business suit
approach her. "Hi, pretty babe. What's someone like you doing all alone in
here?"
"Enjoying the solitude," Nodoka replied coldly.
"How'd you like to enjoy it with me back at my place?" the man said, grip-
ping Nodoka's hand. His face contorted in pain.
"I'm married," Nodoka warned, then released her pain grip on the man's
hand.
"Hey, I hear ya!" The man said, retreating.
Nodoka turned back around to see Ranma swaying on her barstool and
Masahiko steadying her. Ranma somehow now had three cups on the bartable.
She started to walk to her, but as she crossed the distance, several men came
up to the bar and started ordering drinks.
"Let me pass, please!"
"I'll be out of your way in a second, ma'am."
"Please, now!"
"Just a minute, lady!"
"I have to--"
"Just wait a second!"
The men cleared out of the way. Ranma and Masahiko were gone.
"Ranko? Oh no..."
-
Swirling around. Powerful brandy. The street lights. Was it three, or
four in the morning? I feel good. Who is this guy who's holding me up?
Masahiko looked at the drunk Ranma with apprehension.
"What do I do," he wondered.
"Wow, thanks, I nearly lost my balance," Ranma said.
"Hmm," the boy thought, remembering his friends who had taken advantage of
girlfriends who were foolish enough to drink too much.
"Damn, that's a nasty thing you're doing, kissing me, I'm another guy."
Ranma thought she was saying.
Masahiko, encountering no resistance, grabbed the dress at the shoulders
and started sliding it downwards.
"Wow, cool, it's so easy to remove it. Easier than putting it on. Hey!
Don't kiss those! Come on, man!" Ranma thought.
"This is great! Finally, yes! This beats even Kenji's girls..." the kid
was ecstatic.
"This is a naughty boy. I think I'll boot him into the sky. That's what
I'll do." Ranma decided in slow-motion. She couldn't get her legs to respond,
though.
Masahiko decided to get straight to the point. He was not too imagin-
ative, but he knew where he was supposed to end up. As he grabbed his belt,
he felt something sharp touch his shoulder blade.
"What?"
Nodoka stood behind him, with a sharp katana blade, blunted at one end
which she was holding it from. It was ultra thin and could fit inside the
coin slot of a change machine. The Stealth Katana, she called it. Never
leave home without it.
"Back off."
"Okay, okay!" Masahiko stopped.
"Some man you are. No real man that I could love, with one exception,
would do such a thing to me. I don't think Ranko's any different."
"Ranko? Is that her name?"
"Get out of here." Masahiko obliged without further argument.
Ranma fell on her face into a puddle of water on the ground.
"Ranko! Let's get you home!"
-
Ranma lay in her bed, with Nodoka sitting nearby her.
"My head, what's wrong?"
"Oh, this is the afteraffect. Drinking is like eating in a way. Eat too
much and you get a stomachache. Drink too much and you get this. Hey...let's
keep this morning a secret, okay? Anyways, I hope you liked it until that
heathen child got his hands on you. You never got a chance to dance, Ranko!"
"We should get a chance...next time." Ranma grinned.
"So you want to try again?"
"Sure!"
"Well, not for a couple days. I've drawn a bath for you. Go ahead and
get in, because I have business to attend to."
"Thanks, Auntie Saotome!"
Nodoka left, and Ranma left the guest room after her. She showered and
then stepped into the hot bath. She sank in.
"Owwwwww..." Ranma couldn't help being amused at how his voice pitch
raised in mid-moan.
Ranma lay in the tub for a little, then he rose and looked at himself in
the mirror.
Who really has more fun? Ranma remembered the small amount of fun he'd
had that last night before the punk got to him. Not gay, not gay, Ranma
reminded himself. He'd been training all his life. No time for anything but
training. To truly "let go" was a refreshing experience. Did girls really
have it better?
Ranma thought of his experiences with girls. He had always liked to be
the center of anyone's attention...well, not really, maybe sort of. Last
night was no trouble at all. It felt sort of special to have someone want
you and go out of their way to keep you. But last night's special was a
beautiful special, the special of thousands of other lonely people loooking
to find a companion and something they could trust and confide in. A place
where the main concern was you, or you and them.
The main concern wasn't protecting you from other fiancees, it wasn't
cooking bad food to stuff in your face, and it wasn't trying to get you to go
back to China. It wasn't violence and jealously. It was just...respect for
one's self and one's need to have someone else. Talking to Masahiko had been
fun before she had found out how uncaring he was. Almost like a joke. But
at the same time, Ranma had felt sort of like he wanted to talk forever. A
real girl must feel entirely that way and nothing like she was joking.
At this point, Ranma realized it. He was lonely. Lonely like the man at
the bar. Lonely as the bartender. Maybe Akane wasn't that bad to be around,
and maybe they were engaged, as much as it galled him. Yet, they never shared
a close moment together. At the club, it was great to feel surrounded by
people. A conversation about anything could be struck up at any time.
Think about it, Ranma said to himself. Do you really want to be closer to
Akane? Or wouldn't you rather find someone else, someone who likes you and
says they do? Likes you as a friend, like Ukyo? Definately he wasn't going
to get seriously involved with another guy, but he could live with being happy
for another hour or two as a girl. He wanted to go back. Yes, he definately
wanted to get the whole experience next time.
"Yeah, for now..." He picked up a bucket which was filled with water.
He regarded his male body, then grinned widely. "Fuck this," he said,
then upended the bucket over his head.
-
to be continued?
-
wellll, i look back and realize the story is pretty confusing. and, parts of
the writing had nothing to do with the theme of the story. that's what I get
for listening to l.l. cool j as i write. still, i'm too tired to rewrite and
i did promise a few that i would post it tonight. oops. looked like i missed
by 30 minutes. i'm posting, bad or not. c&c, unless of course, you're as
tired as i am.
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