Okay... This is the final version of Regret...







Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction - 

                                  Regret
                                  ======

By: Plunger 

This fanfic is the result of a bout of spontaneous melancholy brought on by
listening to Mettalica's `Until It Sleeps' too much.

Thanks to:

Takahashi Rumiko: For giving me something to write about, and for creating
                  a family that makes mine look normal!

Kun-chan: For introducing me to anime and ruining my grades forever.


Mettalica: For depressing me enough to write this!

Mr. B.T. Harding: For being so *UTTERLY* boring, that I was able to write 
                  this story in his lecture.

And everyone at FFML!

Apologies to Marisa "Misa-chan" Price, for getting in first. :}

Note: This takes place after the end of the Manga.

______________________________________________________________________________

[Story begins...]

[Part #1] The Distance Between Us

  I stand at the gate and watch as Ranma walks away. He turns to look 
  over his backpack at me. I force a smile and wave to him. He waves 
  back then turns away, allowing me to drop the act. I wait until he is 
  out of sight before I fall to my knees. After finally confessing our
  feelings and finding the love that was always there, he leaves. 

  I know he is going for me, but watching him go feels so wrong. I want 
  to run after him and go with him. To experience whatever dangers he 
  does, to fight the battles he fights, to travel where he travels, and 
  most of all, to be with him.

  But I cannot. And I know it. There is a sort of cold bitterness that 
  comes from this knowledge. There are few things in this life more 
  infuriating than being able to do nothing, and right now, there is 
  nothing I can do.

  Ranma has gone to find his cure...and left me alone. I know he means
  well and that he goes for my benefit, but it does not diminish the 
  hurt of loneliness. His words echo in my mind, "I can never be truly 
  yours until I am truly mine." 

  I understand...

  But I am still angry. Ranma has left to fight his demons, but he has
  left me to face mine, and I am not sure if I am ready.

  I cannot help but wonder how this came about...

  Things started so simply... Then life got complicated. 

  The time I spent with Ranma was like living in a comic book or an 
  amusement park ride. A whirlwind of chaos and confusion. But there
  were better times... When he was kind... When he was gentle... 
  When he looked after me... When he looked at me...  When he was at 
  peace..

  I wanted so much to tell him of my feelings, but fear and pride
  always prevented me. I think at times, he felt that same, but he was 
  also too unsure to act. Maybe if one of us had been braver, things 
  could have been different...

  Maybe if the events that led to this hadn't occurred... I might not 
  have suffered this terrible torture...

[Part #2] Breaking the Silence

  I was walking to school with Ranma. We did not speak, our inhibitions
  and egos still denying the expression of our true feelings. 

  Kunou-sempai arrived, as he did most mornings... And this shows how 
  one small event can have an extraordinary effect. It is strange that,
  after all of our battles and our strange experiences as Hou Ou Son,
  it took Kunou to finally bring down the walls between us.

  As usual Ranma fought Kunou and won. Easily. I loved to watch Ranma 
  fight. I knew that fighting for me was his only way of showing he 
  cared, and that made it very special. Every blow that Ranma rained 
  down on Kunou was a reaffirmation of his feelings. 

  I see that now... Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Allowing you to 
  wallow in regret at your own folly for things you had no way of 
  knowing when they occurred. But I digress...

  Kunou was being particularly persistent that day and it took some 
  time for Ranma to finish him. As Ranma walked away, Kunou grabbed 
  the leg of Ranma's trousers, attempting to pull him back. 

  I expected Ranma to simply kick him and be done with it, but 
  instead he crouched down and spoke to Kunou.

  I didn't hear the words, but the effect was surprising. Kunou lit up
  like a roman candle and attacked Ranma in a frenzy. Ranma fought 
  Kunou off and pinned him to the wall. This time, Ranma's words were
  clear, I think he must have forgotten I was there. He looked Kunou 
  in the eyes and said, "Listen to me... Akane doesn't love you. She 
  never will. She is my fiancee and it's gonna stay that way." Kunou 
  struggled, and Ranma added, "Listen! I love Akane and I will never
  allow you to have her." 

  He spoke coldly and evenly, as if this tone might penetrate Kunou's
  world of fantasy. Kunou stared at Ranma for a moment and went limp,
  his resolve broken. Kunou never bothered me again. It was as if 
  Ranma had finally broken his will.

  Ranma dropped Kunou and walked away, his expression dark. I didn't 
  follow. I was too shocked by what he had said. He did care...

  Later I found Ranma in his favourite thinking place, the doujou roof.
  I walked up to him, but I did not want to speak. I didn't know what 
  to say...

  Fortunately, Ranma did. 

  "Take a seat." he said offhandly, like nothing was wrong.

  I sat and waited for him to begin. After a while I realised that he 
  was waiting for me.

  "Umm... Ranma?" I said nervously.

  He looked up, as if he had forgotten I was sitting with him, "Yeah?"
  he asked slowly.

  "D..Did you mean what you s..said today?" I stammered, almost afraid.

  "Did I mean what?" he asked curiously.

  "You know..." I prompted.

  He looked blank.

  "About what you said to Kunou..."

  He turned red and looked down, "Did you..um... Hear what I said?" he 
  asked.

  I nodded, more for myself than for him, "Hai. I heard what you said 
  about me... Is it true?" I twisted my hands nervously as I waited for
  him to reply.
  
  He was silent for and long time, staring out at the night sky. Finally,
  he sighed and turned to me, "Do you really want to know?"

  I nodded, shaking as I did so.

  He stared for a moment, then looked resolved. He stood up and walked 
  around the edge of the doujou roof, looking all around. Apparently 
  satisfied he walked over to me and stood right in front of me. I 
  looked up at him and saw mixture of determination and fear in his 
  eyes. He frowned for a moment and then spoke. 

  "Akane... I... I mean... What I said this morning..." he stammered,
  Apparently unsure of his words, "I-I wasn't lying." he said simply.

  I stared at him in a state of abject shock. Finally after what seemed
  like a eternity of just staring into his eyes, I found my voice, 
  "R-ranma... D-does that mean that you..." I trailed off, too 
  embarrassed to go on.

  He turned away and stepped back. After a moment he turned back to me
  and took my hands, forcing me to look at him.

  I looked up at him, seeing my reflection in his eyes. He smiled 
  slightly and said, "It means that despite my better judgement... I
  do l-love y-you..." Having said this, he immediately stepped back 
  and walked across the doujou roof. He stood on the far side, staring 
  out at the night, too embarrassed to look at me, but too proud to 
  leave.

  I slumped to my knees in shock at hearing Ranma admit his feelings...
  I had never known... But I had hoped... 

  His sudden admission changed everything in an instant. One moment 
  we were engaged by force... The next...we were lovers... Of a sort...

  "Ranma..." I whispered, causing him to turn. "S-since... W-when?"

  Ranma strode over and offered his hand, "Since the day I arrived 
  here."

  I took his hand and stood up, blushing furiously. "What do we do,
  now?" I asked.

  Ranma shrugged, seemingly unconcerned, "Nothing." he replied.

  "But-" I began, "If we... I mean..."

  Ranma smiled. A genuine smile of concern, "You don't want to get
  married tomorrow, do you?" he said, amused.

  "No!" I replied, rather loudly.

  He raised an eyebrow and looked around. Seeing nothing out of the
  ordinary, he spoke again, "You'd better be quiet then. If our 
  fathers find out, we'll down the aisle before we know where we are."

  I giggled a little at this, imagining my father and Saotome-ojisan
  pushing us down the aisle. "Then what do we do? I mean if we feel
  this way... Shouldn't we... Do something?"

  Ranma stared for a moment at what I said, probably thinking some 
  ecchi thought, then he smiled and took my hand. "Akane... Before I
  can marry you, I need to free myself of the curse... Otherwise it
  wouldn't be right... You have to understand... I can never be 
  truly yours until I am truly mine..."

  I stared, "But... How will you... After Jyusenkyou... You don't 
  know where it is..."

  Ranma nodded sadly, "I know... I think, maybe, now is the time to 
  search for it..."
 
  "Why now?" I asked, almost afraid I knew already.

  He smiled and said, "Until now, I was afraid that If I left, I would
  lose you. Now... Maybe..."
 
  I sat transfixed for a moment, "W-who would you lose me to?"

  Ranma shrugged, "Kunou... Ryouga... Some other jerk... I just 
  couldn't risk it."

  I frowned at that, "You know I'd never have Kunou! And Ryouga's 
  just a friend."

  Ranma smiled widely at that, like he'd just scored a major victory 
  or something. "Good." he replied, "Then I can go. I'll be back as 
  soon as I can. I promise."

  Everything was moving too fast... From our admissions of emotion, to 
  his planned leaving. It all seemed so confused. I wanted...needed to
  slow things down, "Ranma." I said, "Wait. Don't go... Not now... 
  We've barely begun to...to..." I trailed off, the shock too much.

  Ranma put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye, "Akane...
  chan..." he said, smiling, "I have to go... I want to be a whole man...
  for you..."

  I nodded through the pain that was building inside. It was a pain 
  that would become a part of me. A constant reminder of what I had
  lost. After a moment I spoke, "I understand." I said, but inside,
  a bitter battle began as sorrow warred with anger at Ranma's 
  impending departure.

  Ranma got up and walked away, "I'll leave tomorrow morning. The 
  sooner I go, the sooner I can be back."

  "Ranma! Wait!" I called, "Do you really have to go?"

  Ranma turned and gave me an understanding look, "Do you really need 
  to ask? You know what it's like to feel incomplete... Don't you?"

  I bowed my head in resignation, I understood only too well what it
  was to feel incomplete... It was a feeling I would become well used
  to.

  Ranma turned back, "You DO understand, right?" he said, a little 
  worried.

  I nodded weakly, muttering, "I do... I do understand..."

  Ranma came over to me, and for the first time in his life, held me 
  of his own free will. "I'm sorry Akane-chan..." he said softly, "I
  HAVE to go. To do any less would demean the value of what we 
  feel..."

  I pushed myself away, something else I would become well accustomed
  to doing. "So you're going in the morning?" I said, tightly.

  He sighed, "Yes. I may as well get it over with..."

  "Will you tell our fathers?" I asked.

  "In a note..." he replied. 

  He put his arm around me and led me down from the roof. He did not
  speak again. There were no more words to be said.

  The next morning, I waved goodbye...

[Part #3] Release

  Ten years have passed since Ranma left. I remain alone, beholden to 
  a promise unspoken, yet well made.

  I look at others around me. I see Ryouga and Ukyou together. They 
  have a good life, a home, a family... All the things I wished for 
  myself and Ranma... Likewise, Shampoo and Mousse have moved on, 
  making a life for themselves. I cannot help but feel a pang of 
  regret that I cannot share the life they have. I remain apart from 
  them, incomplete without my fiancee.

  As the years pass, I feel my body telling me to move on, telling me 
  to live. But I cannot. I love Ranma and I will wait for him...no 
  matter how long it takes.

  Ranma's father remains here at the doujou with my own father. They 
  like me, still hope for Ranma's return, but age is catching up with 
  them and I fear they may not see him again.

  As I sit, here on the porch, I look around and cannot help but feel 
  terribly alone. The sounds of children's voices in the distance 
  merely serve to remind me of what I have missed. I see my friends 
  with their children and I feel a burning jealousy and a sort of 
  anger that Ranma left me to suffer this.

  But then I remember his face and his words, "I can never be truly 
  yours until I am truly mine." and my anger fades. Ranma left to free
  himself of his personal demon. I know he did it for me, and I cannot
  feel any sort of righteous anger. Instead, the anger fades to a 
  painful longing. I have waited so long for Ranma, putting aside my 
  own feelings and needs for him. I miss him in a way I never thought 
  possible and with an intensity I never thought I could feel. 

  I fear for him also. And I wonder. Did he succeed in finding a cure? 
  If he did, why did he not return? If he failed, was he afraid I would
  not want him? I do love him. Cursed or not, he is still my fiancee.
  I never really cared about his condition, it was just a part of him. 
  A part that I loved and accepted as much as any other. I let him go 
  because I saw his need to be free, and I could not deny it. 

  My greatest fear is that he failed because death claimed him. Ranma
  took all the risks. Maybe they finally caught up to him... 

  Not knowing is far more painful than certainty.

  I hear a distant sound of knock at the door and I am wakened from my 
  reverie by my father calling me to answer it. I stand and walk to 
  the door, since I am the only one here to get it. With Nabiki and 
  Kasumi married and gone, I am left to look after the house alone. As 
  I walk to the door, a gentle rain begins to fall from the grey sky. 
  The sound of the rain bringing a moments peace.

  But then, I arrive at the door and a chill passes through me...as it 
  always does before I open it. I still dream of opening the door and 
  seeing him there.

  I turn the handle with painful slowness. Finally, it seems I can 
  take no more. The pain to too great and I am so alone. I begin to 
  cry. The feelings of loneliness suddenly increasing tenfold. I slump 
  against the door in anguish. I need him so much... 

  I never asked for much in life. Never needed much. But now... The 
  emptiness is too much and I feel like I will lose my mind. If I can 
  have one thing... Just one thing... Let this be Ranma...

  There is another knock and I take a deep breath and pull myself 
  together. I open the door and my dreams come true.

  Before me stands the man I have waited so long for. The man I love.
  He looks at me with clear blue-grey eyes that shimmer with love. His 
  expression is tired and careworn, yet filled with relief and hope. 

  I cannot help but stare at him in fascination. He has changed. There 
  is a different aura around him. One of peace and understanding that 
  I have never seen before. He stares back, looking into my eyes, but 
  I feel that he is looking into my soul. 

  There is a long silence as we face each other. Neither moving or 
  speaking. Finally he moves forward and wraps his arms around me...
  and I am whole at last. All of the pain and loneliness washes away 
  in his embrace. I hold him tightly, not daring to let go, lest he 
  leave me again. His hug is gentle and understanding, I feel his love 
  radiating between us, giving me comfort. I want to hold him forever 
  and never let go again, his embrace sheltering me from my loneliness.

  After a moment, he steps back to look at me. I see in him, a look I 
  believed I would never see. In his face is a look of such love and 
  such concern, that I momentarily begin to doubt it is him. 

  He smiles and takes me into his arms again and my doubts disappear, 
  replaced by a sense of relief and of fullness.

  "Akane..." he whispers softly, almost nervously, as if to confirm my
  presence. I blush a little and look up at him. "Hai, Ranma. Welcome 
  home..."

  He smiles and puts his arm around me, "I'm sorry, Akane... I-"

  I place a finger to his lips to silence him, "I know... Just promise
  never to leave again."

  "I promise..." he says softly.

  I look into his eyes and see the certainty of his words, and finally 
  my torture ends.
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                                  - Fin -
Next: Guilt.