This is the follow up to Regret. Sort of...

Tell me what you think. C&C wanted.

P-word.



Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction - 

                                   Guilt
                                   =====

By: Plunger 

This fanfic series is the result of a bout of spontaneous melancholy brought 
on by listening to Mettalica's `Until It Sleeps' too much.

Thanks to:

Takahashi Rumiko: For giving me something to write about, and for creating
                  a family that makes mine look normal!

Kun-chan: For introducing me to anime and ruining my grades forever.

Mettalica: For depressing me enough to start this thing!

Apologies to Marisa "Misa-chan" Price, for getting in first. :}

Note: This takes place after the end of the Manga.

______________________________________________________________________________

[Story begins...]

[Part #1] Bridging the Gap

Akane and I were walking to school one day. We did not speak, our 
pride and inhibitions keeping us apart.

As usual, Kunou arrived, spouting nonsense. He challenged me to 
fight and I accepted.  I toyed with him for a few minutes, before 
felling him with a kick. Fighting always felt good. Especially when 
I was fighting for Akane. The day I allowed Kunou or anyone else 
near her was the day I would die.

After finishing Kunou, I turned to walk away. He grabbed my trouser 
leg in a feeble attempt to stop me. For a moment, I almost kicked 
him unconscious, just to get him out of the way. Then I turned and 
crouched down. I was sick of Kunou's nonsense and deliusions.

"Listen to me. " I said, my expression cold. "I am sick of you 
continually harassing Akane and me. I won't put up with any more 
of it. She's my fiancee not yours. Get it straight!" I stood up to 
go, when Kunou suddenly lurched to his feet in a frothing rage. He 
shouted all sorts of abuse before I caught him and slammed him into 
the wall.

I looked at him with frustration and anger. He was SO stupid. I 
glared at him for a moment and then spoke through clenched teeth, 
"Listen to me... Akane doesn't love you. She never will. She is my 
fiancee and it's gonna stay that way!" Kunou struggled to break free, 
my words enraging him beyond measure. I pushed him back and grated 
out, "Listen! I love Akane and I will never allow you to have her." 
Kunou slumped and seemed to lose all will. I sighed with relief. He 
had finally accepted.

Then something suddenly clicked. I remembered what I had said. I had 
let my feelings slip. Let them slip to Kunou. But worse. I had let 
them slip in front of Akane. I had said I loved her, but I had not 
said it TO her. I cursed myself for my own blindness. I had allowed 
Kunou to anger me, and I had ruined something very special between 
Akane and me. I turned and walked quickly away, unable to look Akane 
in the eye for fear of what I might see there.

Later that evening, she found me on the roof of the doujou. She 
walked over to where I was sitting and stood silently.

"Take a seat." I said, eager to break the silence.

She sat and looked out at the night with me. I waited for her to 
speak. She had come to me, so she could tell me what was on her 
mind. After a while, she spoke, her voice nervous, "Umm... Ranma?" 
she asked. 

I turned to look at her for the first time since the fight, and I 
was stunned by how pretty she looked in the moonlight. Finally, I 
realised I had better reply, "Yeah?" I said slowly, not sure what 
else to say.

She looked particularly pensive for a moment and then said, "D..
Did you mean what you s..said today?" stumbling over the words as
she did so.

I panicked. She was pushing for answers. "Did I mean what?" I 
asked, buying time.

"You know..." she prompted vaguely. I thought I did, but I wasn't 
sure.

I stared at her for a moment, unsure what to say.

"About what you said to Kunou..." she added nervously, her face 
becoming a little flushed.

I blushed too and looked down, embarrassed that I had let my 
feelings slip, and angry that I had not told her. "Did you..um... 
Hear what I said?" I asked, knowing the answer already. She wouldn't 
have been here if she hadn't.

"Hai." she said, "I heard what you said about me... Is it true?" she 
added. I noticed her hands twisting in her lap. They were like the 
daggers twisting in my heart.

I thought for a long time. Was I ready to admit to Akane that I 
loved her? How would she react? What would come of it? Finally, I 
sighed and said, "Do you really want to know?"

She nodded silently, her expression serious. I could see the tension 
in her eyes. She was concerned...and maybe a little afraid. Like me. 
Resolved, I got up and walked around the roof, checking for any 
intruders or observers who might ruin this special moment. Seeing 
none, I turned and walked over to Akane. I stood facing her as she 
looked up at me. For just a moment, my confidence wavered. I frowned, 
angry at my weakness, then I looked into her eyes and said, "Akane... 
I..." I fell apart, "I mean... What I said this morning..." I stumbled 
through the words, so nervous I could barely speak. She did not 
interrupt, though, and she did not look angry or cynical. On her face 
was a look of real interest and concern. I steeled myself and finished 
what I had to say, "I-I wasn't lying." I said lamely.

She stared at me for a long time. I guess the realisation of what I 
had said was just beginning to sink in. Then she said, "R-ranma... 
Does that mean that you..." She trailed off, apparently unsure of 
what to say.

I had to turn away from her to compose myself, my emotions were getting 
so muddled. I took a deep breath and then turned back to face her. I 
took her small, soft hands in mine and got her to look me in the eye. 
We stared into each others eyes for a moment, each seeing the others 
reflection. She was so beautiful in this light, I had to tell her the 
truth. I smiled a little twistedly, and said, "It means that despite 
my better judgement... I do l-love y-you..." 

I'd finally spoken the words that had been burning inside me for all 
the months I had been there. I felt a momentary sense of freedom and 
then a sudden embarrassment. I turned away and walked to the far side 
of the roof, my face red.

I stared out at the night for a few moments and then she spoke. My 
heart skipped a beat as she began. So much rode on this... 

"Ranma..." she whispered, as I turned, "S-since... W-when?" There was 
still shock in her voice and a look of disbelief on her face. 

I walked quickly over to her and offered her my hand, to help her 
stand, "Since the day I arrived here." I said simply. Nothing more 
was needed.

She took my hand and I lifted her up. She blushed and said, "What do 
we do now?" 

I shrugged, it wasn't like I had any idea what to do. We had admitted 
how we felt, what came next was anyone's guess. "Nothing." I said 
simply, feigning disinterest.

She seemed surprised by this. "But-" she began, "If we... I mean..." 
She stopped, apparantly not wanting, or not knowing, what else to say.

I couldn't help but smile at her nervous and embarrassed face. "You 
don't want to get married tomorrow, do you?" I asked, jokingly, though 
I was curious, too.

"No!" she replied suddenly, causing me to raise an eyebrow. She had 
been rather quick with her response. She was clearly very confused 
about her feelings. Like me. I looked around for any visitors that 
might have been attracted by the sound. Seeing none, I said, "You 
better be quiet then. If our fathers find out, we'll be down the aisle 
before we know where we are." I was joking again, but it was now 
something that I thought of with interest and not fear.

She laughed lightly, a smile crossing her face. She turned serious 
again and looked up at me, "Then what do we do? I mean if we feel 
this way... Shouldn't we... Do something?"

I stared for a moment, wondering if she was propositioning me. After 
a moment, I took her hands and said, "Akane... Before I can marry 
you, I need to free myself of the curse. Otherwise it wouldn't be 
right... You have to understand... I can never be truly yours until 
I am truly mine..." I was deadly serious as I said this. I didn't 
want to burden Akane with my problems any more than I had. If she 
cared for me, and I cared for her, I had to put things right. 

She stared at me, eyes wide, "But... How will you..." she murmured, 
"After Jyusenkyou... You don't know where it is..."

Her words cut into me like daggers. She was right. I didn't know 
where to find a cure. If I left, I had no idea how long I would be 
gone. I nodded slowly, suddenly overcome with doubt, "I know..." 
I said, "I think, maybe, now is the time to search for it..."

Tears began to well in her eyes as she replied. "Why now?"

I smiled sadly, "Until now, I was afraid I would lose you. Now... 
Maybe..."

She stared into space for a moment, seemingly frozen. Then she 
looked up. "W-who would you lose me to?" she asked, curiosity in 
her eyes.

I shrugged. If I was leaving, I at least owed her answers, "Kunou... 
Ryouga... Some other jerk... I just couldn't risk it."

She seemed angry at the suggestion, "You know I'd never have Kunou! 
And Ryouga is just a friend."

I couldn't help but smile as she said that. Ryouga was a friend. 
Nothing more. "Good." I replied, pleased that I had beaten Ryouga, 
"Then I can go. I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise." 

Akane's expression became troubled. I saw the distress in her eyes, 
and felt suddenly guilty again. She looked up at me fearfully, 
"Ranma. Wait. Don't go... Not now... We've barely begun to...to..." 
she trailed off in dispair.

I put my hands on her shoulders to give strength. I looked her 
squarely in the eye. "Akane...chan..." I said, smiling at her 
distraught face, "I have to go... I want to be a whole man...for 
you..."

She nodded slowly and looked away, "I understand." she replied, 
weakly.

I stood up and walked a few paces away, "I'll leave tomorrow morning. 
The sooner I go, the sooner I can be back."

"Ranma! Wait!" she called, "Do you really have to go?"

Did I? Did I really have to go? Yes. I did. I was too afraid to stay. 
I turned and simply said, "Do you really need to ask? You know what 
it's like to feel incomplete... Don't you?"

She bowed her head. A look of defeat passing over her. I turned to 
face her, "You DO understand, right?" I asked. I wanted her to let 
me go. I knew just leaving would be very hard.

She nodded from her bowed position. "I do... I do understand..." she 
whispered, somewhat regretfully.

She looked so miserable and so upset. I foundered for a moment, 
wondering what I could do for her. Suddenly a feeling hit me and I 
went with it. I walked back over to her and just put my arms around 
her. I didn't want to hurt her like this, but there was no other way. 
"I'm sorry, Akane-chan..." I whispered, the name suddenly coming so 
easily, "I HAVE to go. To do any less would demean the value of what 
we feel..."

She pushed herself away from me and stared at me longingly, "So you're 
going in the morning?" she asked.

I sighed. Although I felt a need to go, I felt a desire to stay. I 
loved Akane and I did not want to hurt her or be apart from her, but 
the need was too great. "Yes." I said, "I may as well get it over 
with..." As I spoke those words, I swore to myself that I would return 
as soon as I could.

"Will you tell our fathers?" she asked, curiously.

I panicked for a moment. There was no way they would let me go out in 
search of a cure without marrying Akane first. I couldn't do that. The 
risk of her becoming an instant widow was too great. There had to be a 
way...

Then it came to me. "In a note..." I replied.

She took this in and sighed, a look of resignation and defeat on her 
face. I put my arm around her to comfort her as best I could, and led 
her down from the roof. I did not speak again, and neither did she. We 
were both too caught up in our own thoughts and emotions, and the 
conversation was too painful to continue.

[Part #2] The Journey

Which leads me to where I am now. I am leaving the doujou to chase
the spring of drowned man, or some other cure to the curse of 
Jyusekyou. I walk away from the house, determined to come back to
my fiancee soon. After finally expressing my feelings, the last thing
I want to do is leave... Yet that is what I am doing.

I look back momentarily at Akane as she waves goodbye. I walk quickly 
away and then pause, looking back again. I see her sitting on the 
ground, crying into her hands. I feel a wave of guilt wash over me, 
as I know that I am the cause of her sadness. I waver, unsure what to 
do...

I want to go back and comfort her. To tell her that I have to go for 
her sake. To tell her that I will be back soon. To tell her that I 
don't mean to hurt her. But I cannot. I watch for a moment and she 
gets up and walks away. 

I sigh and turn back to my path. I walk out of Nerima and do not look 
back. An painful sense of guilt at causing Akane's tears is already 
building inside me. 

The journey takes me away from the only place I could ever really call
home. I left my mother when I was too young to remember, and I 
travelled for many years. My only real home is the doujou... The place 
I am leaving for a reason I am not sure of. The place where my fiancee 
is. I had told Akane I loved her, and I do. I do love her, and yet I am 
leaving. Why? 

I leave Nerima and head out into the world. I am searching for 
something that may not exist, and I see now, that I have left the 
solid, tangible things behind, to go in search of a dream. Dream or 
not. I must find it if I am to have peace.

But is it peace that it will bring me? Do I really care about a cure? 
Or am I hiding from admitting that I love Akane and want to marry her? 
How can that be? I said I love her. She loves me. What do I have to 
fear? I don't know...

I walk on, hoping the answers will come to me on the road. The road 
winds on for miles, eventually bringing me to Jyusenkyou. Of all the 
place on earth to end up, I am at the one I despise most. I look down 
on the valley of the cursed springs. I cannot help but scowl at the 
sight. There are too many bitter memories here... Of the curse... Of 
Saffron... Everything that I have done began and seemingly ends here. 
I am trapped. Cursed by luck to return here again and again. I give 
the valley one last hateful look and then head for the guide's house. 

A arrive at the house to find it looking the same as before. The 
guide's daughter, Plum, plays outside, seemingly unconcerned by the 
evil of the lands that surround her home. I walk up to the door and 
knock.

It opens and I face the guide. He is a strange man and seeing him 
brings back many strange emotions. Feelings of frustration and anger. 
But I don't hate him or blame him for what has occurred here. That is 
not his responsibility. I ask him about the nannichuan. He looks 
sadly at me and says that it has not returned after the destruction 
of the Dragon Tap. 

I turn and walk away. If it is not here, there is nothing more to be
said. He calls out, saying that it might be back at any time. I do 
not stop or turn. If I am to find a cure, and the strength to face 
my feelings, I cannot wait time. Time is of the essence and I will 
not waste it here.

I walk out of the valley of Jyusenkyou and begin my search...

[Part #3] Return

And so here I stand. In the street outside the place that was home 
to me so many years before. It is strange that I, after all my 
experiences and battles, should feel fear in coming home.

Home... Something I have not had for ten long, painful years. I never
did realise how lucky I was. I had a family, friends, freedom and a
fiancee I never appreciated until it was too late. I never really 
appreciated any of it. And that is the source of my guilt. A guilt 
that has tormented me on my journey.

In all the time I spent with Akane, I caused her nothing but trouble
and heartache. I was never kind to her. Never friendly or supportive.
I was rude. Rude and abusive. I was everything that I have come to 
despise, and I hate myself for it.

But now the time for recompense is here. I have waited so long for 
this. After striving to find a cure, I am finally home. But I am 
afraid...

Afraid of what has changed. I look around and see very little that 
I know. The houses have changed, indeed, the people have changed. I 
have not seen familiar face for all of the time of my exile, and 
that frightens me beyond measure. 

I fear. 

I fear that I have taken too long. What if Akane has forgotten me? 
What if she has...has...married someone else... Then what? What will 
I do? My entire life amounts to this...

I shake my head. Second guessing myself will only drive me mad. I 
cast about looking for an anchor of reality, and I find it. The 
Doujou. The one thing that still seems certain. Even after all this 
time, it remains unchanged, unaltered. Seemingly untouched or 
effected by time. 

The same cannot be said of me. 

I have changed. Changed in so many ways that I do not recognise 
myself at times. My clothes are dirty and worn, as is my soul. I 
have seen and experienced too much to ever go back to being what I 
was. And I am at peace with that. I am glad that the man I am is 
different from the boy I was. Time does indeed change all things...

It leads me to wonder... What effect has time had on Akane? After 
finally confessing my love to her all those years ago, I left her. 
Alone. 

At the time, I thought I was going to China to find a cure for my 
curse. In leaving, I brought down a far weightier curse upon myself... 

The curse of guilt. 

As time passed, it became clear to me that I was not chasing a cure, 
I was running from my emotions, and it was a race that I could not 
win. I held the lead for nine and a half years... Then it hit me. I 
had betrayed Akane. I had failed the person I loved most in the 
world. I had run and hidden for all that time, and now, I must go 
and pay my penance.

I look up at the gate and, after a moments hesitation, I open it and
step through. I walk up to the door and knock. I hear faint sounds of 
someone speaking and the sound of footsteps, just as it begins to rain.
I look back over my shoulder to see a soft, drizzling rain falling on 
the ground outside the porch. 

After a moment, I hear the click of a lock turning. Then nothing. I 
wait. Finally, when nothing seems to be happening, I knock again. 
This time, the door swings open.

Akane stands in the doorway looking at me with love filled eyes. I 
stare. She, like myself, has changed. In my memory, she was a pretty 
girl. Now, I see she has become a beautiful woman. I cannot help but 
almost begin to cry. She stands in front of me, seemingly in shock, 
and I know, she has waited for me. The joy I feel is indescribable.

I see her expression change, from a sort of shock to disbelief and 
finally to relief. I see her waver, as if she is tired or lost. I 
step forward to comfort her. I take her in my arms and I understand. 
She has suffered. Suffered for me. My guilt washes over me in a 
searing wave. I berate myself. I am responsible for causing such 
pain, and I feel a sense of utter wretchedness because of it. I 
need to speak. To say how sorry I am. To say how much I missed her. 
To say how much I love her.

"Akane..." I manage, but then I choke up, the guilt and self loathing 
tearing through me like a knife.

She looks up into my eyes and I see nothing but love and joy in her 
face. "Hai, Ranma." she says, "Welcome home..." 

I hold her again, as tightly as she held me before, as if she could 
shield me from my responsibilities. "I'm sorry, Akane... I-" I begin, 
but she stops me, putting her finger to my lips.

She smiles almost sadly at me and says, "I know... Just promise never 
to leave again."

Tears begin to form in my eyes as I look at her. I love her so much. 
More now than ever before. I know will never leave her again. Ever! 
I have caused her too much pain, and I will spend the rest of my life 
healing it. She showed faith in me, and I will do the same.

"I promise..." I whisper, my voice constrcited by emotion. I have 
never in my life, been more certain of a promise. I will never leave 
her alone again. 

This I vow.
______________________________________________________________________________
                                  - Fin -