Actually, it did get my attention. I had some prollems with my account
yesterday, so I couldn't respond. :P
Thanks for the C&C, gang, there's a revision in the works. :)
So far, only one person liked the arrow out of nowhere, and most thought
it should be shrapnel, or something more high-tech. Maybe I'll change it,
maybe I won't. The arrow was the first thing to pop into my head, and I
sorta like it. Personally, I think anything else would sound a little
contrived. Of course, somebody shooting at Akane and not Ranma also seems
a little unlikely

I dunno... I tend to think of the arrow as more of a simile - an actual
arrow does sem sortof contrived, but the result, whatever the projectile,
is quite effective.

At first, I was going to have him kill several
attackers after her death, but I preferred having him show some emotion
other than anger for once. Ranma's first response to an attack is always
to retaliate...for once I wanted him to be a little less super-human.
We'll see what happens, I suppose. :D

Now here, I agree with you one hundred percent.

On the whole, I very much enjoyed the piece - one or two comments that I
would make:

1)  I like the apocalyptic feel - while you might make some changes to
increase dramatic tension - eg changes in pacing or more detailed
descriptions of the environment - I would NOT expand on what is going on or
why.  To know for sure that this was World War III or the latest Godzilla
attack would lessen the dramatic impact considerably.  The not knowing
lends an aire of surreal urgency that is quite potent.

2)  I also think that Nodoka's appearance is a little too convenient.
Though under the circumstances, I can certainly see Ranma talking to his
mother - more to her spirit than her person.  Given the situation, it seems
to me that it would be safe to assume that Nodoka, like all the others was
already dead, and that he was talking to her is a sign of the madness to
which his grief has now driven him.

3)  I'm not sanguine about the seppuku scene... I think it needs work, and
can think of two or three directions that it might be taken, but the story
is yours, so that will have to be as well.  Otherwise, the ending was very
well done.  Very depressing, but very well done.

Looking forward to the next version...

Zen-


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[[                  James Bateman (Otaku@nashville.com)                  ]]
[[ -The experiment has begun - A million monkeys at a million keyboards- ]]
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