Well, it may be a mad, mad, mad, mad world in which mad the cows roam, or
it may not.  You decide.  :P  *giggle*

Still unsubbed from the list; see you all in a month or so...

---------- Forwarded message begins here ----------

Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 07:20:52 -0500
To: rs87+@andrew.cmu.edu
From: ignatz@galaxy.galstar.com (Fran Stallings)
Subject: A hoot in the finest tradition of parody, perhaps worth passing.

Date: Tue, 14 May 1996 11:51:33 -0400
From: Mythteller@aol.com
To: storytell@VENUS.TWU.EDU
Subject: A hoot in the finest tradition of parody, perhaps worth passing.

                      MOODEST PROPOSALS
                   BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY

   NEW DELHI, April 2 (Reuters) -A Hindu group in India offered today
to shelter British cows threatened with slaughter because of mad cow
disease.
--The Times.

    "Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before
our very eyes in black and white.
-- A Cambodian newspaper, quoted in the Times, on using British cows
to detonate unexploded land mines.

  BERLIN, N.H. -Republican Presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan
today proposed that the United States import the 4.7 million British
cows affected by mad-cow disease and deploy them across the U.S.-
Mexican border to deter illegal immigrants.

  DALLAS -Ross Perot today attacked the idea of deploying cows along
the U.S.-Mexican border, saying that hungry illegal immigrants would be
likely to "take a bite out of 'em on the way over and then we'd end up
with tens of thousands of crazy Mexicans running around."  "I ask you,"
he told a crowd, "is that the America we want to leave for our
grandchildren?"

  FAIRFAX, Va. -The National Rifle Association today announced that it
has offered to send its entire 3.3-million membership over to England to
assist with its massive cow-culling effort.  N.R.A. executive Wayne
LaPierre said that if Britain did not have such stringent gun control
laws "they'd have been able to nip this problem at the start."  He
called on Congress to immediately repeal the ban on some types of
assault rifles, including the .50 caliber "Elsie Eliminator", so that
the membership can "do the job right."

  BOGOTA, -Luis Alfonso Maquilon Amaya, a head trafficker for the Cali
cocaine cartel, is reportedly trying to buy up all 4.7 million mad
British cows on the black market.  According to sources here, the plan
is to stuff the cows full of cocaine and ship them to the United States.
"Normally we have problems with customs when the bags break inside and
the animals make a big scene," a source said.  "but a vaca loca isn't
bothered too much by even a couple of kilos in its bloodstream."

  CANBERRA -The Australian government has said it will take delivery of
all British mad cows.  Trade Minister Tim Fischer said that the plan is
to "float the cows off beaches so the sharks will eat them instead of
tourists and the odd Prime Minister."

  LOS ANGELES -Entertainer Michael Jackson and Saudi Prince Al Waleed
Bin Talal announced today that they will create a theme-park home for
all British cows afflicted with mad-cow disease.  Stroking a cow's
forelock as he spoke at the press conference in a barely audible
whisper, the singer would not provide details of the amusement park or
venture to explain why people would pay to be with millions of mad cows
other than to say it would be "really, really wonderful."

  WASHINGTON -Mayor Marion Barry today offered to use Britain's mad
cows to fill District of Columbia potholes.  The one problem, he
said, is that there are only 4.7 million cows, and the District has
7.8 million potholes.

  JORDAN, Mont. -The F.B.I. plans to stampede more than four million
mad British cows in an effort to force the Montana Freemen to end their
stand-off, it has been learned.  F.B.I. director Louis Freeh declined to
comment on reports that British Hercules C-130 cargo planes have been
observed dropping large numbers of cows by parachute near the standoff
area.

  BEIJING -China announced today that it plans to conduct 'amphibious
mad-cow exercises" in the Taiwan Strait.  Secretary of State Warren
Christopher warned China's leadership that the U.S. viewed the
development "seriously."

  NEW YORK -The Council of Fashion Designers of America said today that
it would use British mad cows in runway shows.  "Fashion recognizes its
responsibility to help," said C.F.D.A. director Ferm Mallis.  "The cows
are very contemporary, they look great in leather, and their eyes have
the look."

  HOLLYWOOD -A group of actors and actresses has called on Prime
Minister John Major to "stop the slaughter' of British mad cows and "do
something positive instead, like vaccinate them or whatever." "We feel
the government hasn't done enough," said Liam Neeson.  Neeson said he
has felt sympathetic toward British cows ever since the filming of the
movie "Rob Roy," in which he escaped from soldiers by hiding inside the
carcass of a large, decomposing Hereford.  The group, Creativity United
to Denounce the Slaughter (CUDS) plans to distribute lapel udders with
ribbons.

  OAK BROOK, Ill -The McDonalds Corporation announced today its plans
to introduce a new line of sandwiches next month called Mad Macs.

-JD-       << Columbus Ilks, Central Ohio Division

             Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
           'twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge.
               How little do we know that which we are!
                     How less what we may be!

                       Lord Byron - Don Juan

Damon Casale, scyth@andrew.cmu.edu

				* Love *
                 Between two people, there is nothing that
                      can draw them closer together