Mine eye and heart are at a mortal war
How to divide the conquest of thy sight;
Mine eye my heart thy picture's sight would bar,
My heart mine eye the freedom of that right.
My heart doth plead that thou in him dost lie--
A closet never pierced with crystal eyes--
But the defendant doth that plea deny
And says in him thy fair appearance lies.
To 'cide this title is impanneled
A quest of thoughts, all tenants to the heart,
And by their verdict is determined
The clear eye's moiety and the dear heart's part:
As thus; mine eye's due is thy outward part,
And my heart's right thy inward love of heart.
William Shakespeare
Sonnet XLVI
Thy Inward Love
by Richard Lawson
Comments and Criticism welcome!
sterman@sprynet.com
Part II - Felt Yet Unspoken
Akane sat at her desk, completely ignoring the history book she had propped up
in front of her. Her mind was raging. Raging at the same person it was
always raging at.
"Baka," she mumbled to herself. Ranma could be such a loser sometimes. He
had pulled off that silly and dangerous stunt with his father this morning.
What's worse, he didn't even seem to understand why it was silly and
dangerous.
Then, later, she had stepped between him and Tatewaki when the latter seemed
bent on beating Ranma to a pulp. She had shouted at Tatewaki to put away his
toy sword and leave her and Ranma alone. After Tatewaki had gone away, she'd
looked down at Ranma, who had looked pretty shaken up. When she'd asked if
he was okay and tried to help him up, he'd pushed her away and ran off. The
idiot didn't even care about her.
To her disgust, she had covered up for him with Hinako-sensei, saying
that Ranma had fallen unexpectedly sick and had run home. Akane wasn't sure
how much Hinkao-sensei believed, but she had not pursued the matter. Still,
it made Akane feel strange to cover up for Ranma when he continued to treat
her offers for help like insults.
Then, on the way home, Nabiki had filled Akane in on Ranma's stupid comments
in the kitchen. His sheer insensitivity had driven Akane into a rage. He
was such a moron, he couldn't see beyond the end of his nose.
Akane stared at the words in her history book, seeing Ranma's face in them.
Why he drove her to such rages was a mystery to her. Whenever he seemed to
be behaving almost decently, he'd open his mouth and stick his foot into it
as far as he could.
Yet, sometimes, he could be so nice. She remembered walking through the
Higo Forest with Ranma after they had left Shinnosuke. He had, all by
himself and without coersion, reached back and taken her hand. She
remembered how good that had made her feel. He had a strong grip, too, and
a very nice body, muscular without being overbuilt, and eyes that you could
drown yourself in....
He also had an ego the size of a small planet. For some reason, he
considered admitting his affection for her an act of weakness. She wanted
to be nice to him, to admit how much he meant to her. She had given him many
opportunities to let his guard down so that they could talk freely about
their feelings, and he had botched it every time, often insulting her in the
process.
Maybe he didn't like her. She thought he did, but maybe she was hoping too
much, projecting too much of what she wanted to see in him.
And yet, there had been the battle at Jusendou, where she had heard Ranma
admit that he wanted to say "I love you" to her. But just before their
wedding, when she gave him yet another opportunity to open up, he'd backed
down, telling her that he hadn't actually said that he loved her. That had
hurt her terribly. Maybe, her fears kept whispering to her, Ranma had just
been suffering the affects of a difficult battle with Saffron and the shock
of Akane's apparent death. Maybe he had just been over-reacting, saying
things he hadn't really meant.
Akane gritted her teeth. She wanted to love him and all he gave her were
reasons to hate him. Today had been one example after another of why she
should give up on Ranma. He was insensitive, he was self-centered, and most
of all, he pushed her away when she wanted to get closer.
Akane had had enough. Just wait until she saw him next. She wasn't sure if
she intended to scream into his face or beat him into a pulp herself. She
figured she would just let the moment play itself out.
Akane grimaced; she'd forgotten about Auntie Saotome. She couldn't very well
beat on Ranma with his mother present. Auntie seemed very taken with Akane,
always encouraging her to further her relationship with Ranma. At the same
time, Akane sometimes felt a fleeting coldness from Ranma's mother that
belied her friendly smile. Akane wasn't sure where that came from, and it
bothered her deeply.
Akane slammed the book closed and threw it on the bed. It was all just too
much. Damn Ranma anyway for coming into her life. She'd been much happier
before he'd ever set foot in her house. Damn her father and Uncle Saotome
for arranging this stupid engagement. She should have been the one to
inherit the dojo; she should have been the one that protected the family from
danger. Why didn't Ranma go back and live with his mother and leave her and
her family alone?
Something tapped against her door. She stood still listening. After a moment,
she heard two slightly harder raps on her door. She could guess who it was.
Akane smiled an evil grin; she could beat up on Ranma in the privacy of her
room. She turned to face the door, hands on her hips. "Come in."
The door slowly opened and Ranma came in.
The smile disappeared from Akane's face. Ranma looked more wretched and
depressed than she had ever seen him. He couldn't even look her in the eye,
instead staring morosely at the floor. He closed the door behind him and
leaned against it, hands behind his back, the picture of unhappiness.
All of Akane's rage left her in an instant. Something had happened to Ranma.
He was hurting and needed help; right now, that was all that mattered to
Akane. "Ranma, what's wrong?" she asked, her voice echoing the worry and
concern she felt.
Ranma looked up at her, his eyes full of misery. He opened his mouth, but
nothing came out. He closed it and hung his head again.
Akane went over and pulled on his arm. "Come over here." She guided him to
her bed and had him sit on it. She pulled up her desk chair and sat directly
in front of him, their knees almost touching.
Ranma continued to hang his head. Akane leaned forward and put her head
below his, turning it sideways so he could see her eyes. He looked at her
for a long moment, then slowly lifted his head. She leaned back at the same
time. Their eyes never left each other.
Akane was quivering inside. This was very, very serious. She made the best
effort she could to set aside her anger and clear her head. She needed to be
very alert and responsive right now; needed to be able to think quickly and
well. For once, her martial arts training could be put to good use; she
could shut out the rest of the world and focus on the battle before her.
Well, not exactly a battle, but it helped her to approach this problem as if
it were one. Please, she begged herself, don't lose your concentration know.
She drew a breath, and tried to put some force into her words. "Tell me,
Ranma."
Slowly, painfully, Ranma began his tale. It started with stuff Akane already
knew, such as the scene in the kitchen and the fight at school. He continued
by telling her about the hours he spent sitting in a stream, thinking; his
attempt to talk to his father; his mother joining the conversation.
Here he stopped. She could see that he was shaking, the emotional impact of
what he was about to say affecting him as Akane had never seen anything else
affect him before.
This was her first critical point in the battle. Critical to what, she didn't
want to think about right now. All she wanted to do was make Ranma feel
better, to encourage him to continue telling her what was afflicting him.
Akane cast about her memories, trying to figure out what to do. Kasumi would
know what to do; if only she were here. A memory came to her, a time when
she had been very young and had fallen down and hurt her elbow. Kasumi had
bandaged it and then bent down to take a hold of Akane's hands, comforting
her. Akane remembered that this seemed to help. She reached over and grasped
Ranma's hands in hers, not taking her eyes away from his.
Ranma took a deep breath and continued telling her about the day's events.
His mother, telling him that he was losing on purpose. Telling him that his
father was a child, who became a panda to run away from the world. His
mother, telling him to become a good person before it was too late.
Then upstairs with Nabiki, eavesdropping as Ranma discovered bitterness
between his parents he never knew existed. His mother calling him immature.
His mother talking about how she discovered that Ranma would rather stay in
the Tendo house than with her, the hurt of this discovery evident in her
voice. The obsession his mother felt, the feeling he got that getting Ranma
married was the only way his mother would feel her life had been redeemed.
Ranma stopped for a while, and his eyes began to glisten. And then, the words
came out of him as if he couldn't stop. "I'm a bad person, Akane. I bully
people and say bad things about them. I don't give anyone any respect; I'd
rather punch them than be nice to them. I call you uncute and make fun of
you and fight with you all the time, and I don't care if you get hurt while
I'm doing it. I insult my father and make my mother feel unloved. Nothing
matters to me other than my stupid martial arts, and what does that get me?
Trouble with princes, monsters, and curses." Again, he hung his head.
"I don't do nothing but hurt people. My life ain't worth nothing."
Akane's heart pounded in her chest. A feeling came over her, almost
overwhelming in its intensity; the sense that what she did *here* and *now*,
at this exact moment, would affect her the rest of her life, and Ranma's too.
She needed to say the right thing, or Ranma might never recover. He had,
at last, opened himself up to her, something she had fantasized about but had
almost given up on actually occurring. He was as vulnerable, emotionally, as
he would ever allow himself to be. If she didn't give him the answers he
needed, he might never give her another chance. He'd go back to the old,
closed up Ranma, and Akane would never forgive herself.
The only problem was that Akane had absolutely no idea what to say. She could
break bricks with her bare hands, she could sew (after a fashion) and she
could cook (even if no one else thought she could), but nothing she had ever
done had prepared her for this moment. She was terrified of letting this
chance pass her by, and she could feel herself begin to panic. Hold on girl,
she told herself. The battle is at its climax; don't cave in to the pressure
now.
She thought back, trying to recall similar circumstances. The only thing
that seemed to compare with Ranma's current suffering was Akane's reaction
to her mother's death. She had been very young and had spent the first few
months denying that it had happened, that Mother would be coming back from
whatever vacation she had decided to take. Kasumi had been patient with her
and had worked with her over the months, gently forcing her to realize that
Mother was never coming back, that it was not good for the rest of the
family for Akane to insist that Mother was still alive. And it had
finally worked; Akane had finally accepted, deep down, that Mother was
gone forever. Fortunately, the rest of the family was still there, and
she had drawn strength from them.
Unfortunately, she didn't have months to deal with Ranma's pain; she wasn't
sure if she had minutes. She needed something *now*, and she couldn't
give him what Kasumi had given her.
Akane's thoughts froze on that. What *had* Kasumi given her? Patience,
understanding, a gentle but firm guidance through a difficult time.
In short, love.
Akane drew a shuddering breath. She knew, now, what she had to do.
She released Ranma's hands. She reached up to cup her hands under Ranma's
jaw and gently lifted his head.
She stared into his eyes for a second, her whole being shaking with the force
of her emotions, hoping Ranma could see how she felt.
Then she leaned forward and kissed him.
She pressed her lips softly against his, parting her lips slightly, breathing
in his fragrance.
She felt Ranma go rigid. She continued kissing him, willing him to relax.
Please Ranma, she thought to herself, don't resist your feelings. This once,
don't run from yourself. Trust me, trust your mother. This is good, this is
right, let it happen.
Slowly, he did. Something drained away from him and left his body limp. He
leaned into her, finally kissing her back. She removed her hands from his
face and reached around behind him to grasp his shoulders. He put his hands
around her waist and held her tightly.
The kiss seemed to go on forever. Akane didn't want it to stop. Here was
her whole life, encapsulated in this moment. The most important person in
her life was in front of her, loving her, and that made life more beautiful
than she could ever have imagined.
Their positioning was awkward, though, and Akane began to feel her back protest
about the uncomfortable way it was being bent. Ranma's head was twisted at an
awkward angle; he too had to be feeling a strain. So the moment passed, much
to her regret. With tremendous reluctance, she began to pull away. Ranma
seemed unwilling to let it end also, but he too leaned back. They continued
to hold each other. Akane looked up into Ranma's eyes, smiling with him.
She got up out of her chair and sat on the bed next to him. She wrapped her
arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. He put his arm along
her back, his hand gripping her waist. She could hear his heart pounding,
and wondered if it had beat this fast during his fight with Saffron.
Somehow, she didn't think so.
She sighed, so full of happiness she couldn't contain it. Or terror; she
couldn't distinguish between the two right now. She was still shaking a
little under the impact of her emotions; Ranma seemed to feel it, and
tightened his grip on her waist. Akane closed her eyes, savoring the feel
of his body.
"Ranma, don't ever tell me again that you're worth nothing. You're...."
She gulped, afraid to say the next words, afraid not to say them. "You're
everything to me."
She stopped, trying to figure out what more to say. Her mind was racing so
fast that half-completed thoughts fled her consciousness before she could
grasp them. She needed to tell him more, needed him to understand more.
"You're not a bully, Ranma. I've never seen you attack anyone who didn't have
the ability to defend themselves.
"Your father forced you to hide from your mother, but you eventually fought
through the deception. You wanted to be open and honest with your mother,
and she knows that. She saw how much you wanted her to know that you loved
her.
"I could never figure out your father. You two insult each other all the time.
I think it's just that you two aren't good at expressing your love, so you
result to fighting and insults. Sounds like another couple I know." Akane
gave him a little squeeze.
"As for martial arts being worth nothing, think of all the people you've
helped. When that little girl came all the way from China to ask
for your help, you dropped everything to go with her and help rescue her
father. You fought for honor and life. You saved my life and, probably,
the lives of all those people who live in Jusendou. That is not something
a bad person does."
She stopped, hoping he'd accept this. She couldn't see his eyes, but she
could almost feel him reject her argument. "I only went because the
nannichuan was threatened. I only cared about getting my curse lifted."
Anger stirred within Akane. Stupid blind idiot! She fought to control it;
this was not the time to lash out at Ranma, no matter how tempted she was.
Instead, she lifted her head from his chest and put her face in front of his,
looking into his eyes. "Answer me truthfully, Ranma. If Plum hadn't been
from Jusenkyou, if she had just been a little girl whose father had been
kidnapped, would you have gone and helped her?"
Ranma looked at her, his focus moving from one of her eyes to the other and
back. Finally, he took a deep breath. "Yes. Yes, I would have helped her."
Akane smiled. "See? You are a good person." Several images flashed through
her mind, of Ranma doing various stupid things. "Sometimes" she amended.
"You do bad things too, Ranma. So do I. No one's perfect. Not even Kasumi."
Ranma gave her a weak smile at this. "The point is that you have to try to
make up for the bad things you do, and look for opportunities to do good
things."
He considered this for a moment, then smiled. Their faces were so close,
she hoped....
He drew her into him, and Akane made a small sound as their lips found each
other again.
They kissed for a long time, the position right this time. Akane began
hoping that he would pull her down onto the bed; they would be more
comfortable that way.
The thought of where that might lead was enough to snap her back to reality.
She hastily pushed Ranma away from her. She put her hands on her lap and
looked down at them, blushing furiously.
Ranma sounded irritated. "Whatcha do that for?"
Akane's emotions were in an uproar. She was feeling as much fear as desire;
these were strange and scary things she and Ranma were doing. It was easy
to convert it all into anger. Anger was never far from the surface in Akane,
anyway. She cast about for something to be angry about; there was never a
shortage of reasons to be angry at Ranma. She latched onto the first thing
that occurred to her, something she thought a lot about. "What about Shampoo
and Ukyo and Kodachi? Are you going to do anything about them? Or are they
going to destroy your home and our wedding over and over again until we all
die of old age?"
Ranma scowled. "It ain't my fault...."
"It is your fault because you let it go on! When Shampoo discovered that
stupid broach and she didn't seem to like you anymore, did you let her go?
NO! You went and made sure that she would always be hanging on to you,
because it pleases your stupid ego to have girls chasing after you!"
Ranma flinched, and a stricken look came over his face. His obvious guilt
caused Akane's anger to cool down to a mild irritation. "Look, Ranma, I know
that you don't force people to become infatuated with you. But you don't
discourage them, either, at least not very well. I think if you tried hard
enough, you could get them to stop coming after you."
Ranma looked confused; he obviously didn't know where to begin. He reached
over and took her hand. "Akane, do...do you think you could help me?"
Akane melted inside. Ranma needed her, had asked for her help. This made
her feel good inside in a way that made kissing seem a foolish fancy. "Oh,
Ranma...." She could feel the tears forming in her eyes. "I will always be
here to help."
Ranma smile tenderly and reached over to brush her tears away. They stared
at each other for another long moment. Akane knew that a threshold had been
crossed here, and hoped that they would never lose the ground they had
gained today. These feelings were so precious, she decided, that she would
do anything in her power to make sure that they never stopped feeling them.
Like Ranma's mother and father had.
That thought caused her to lose her smile. She wondered if Ranma's parents
had ever felt this way, and what had happened to make them to fall out of
love. She remembered, too, what Ranma had told her about his parent's
conversation: if Uncle Saotome could help her and Ranma, then maybe there
was hope for him and Auntie Saotome.
That gave her an idea. "Ranma, let's start with your father. Maybe he has
some ideas about your other fiancees."
"Pop?" Ranma looked incredulous. "What could he possibly know that would
help us at all?"
Akane smiled and put her other hand on his cheek. "Trust me, Ranma-chan."
Ranma smiled back. "Okay, Akane-chan."
They kissed again, this time less desperately, more a reminder of what had
happened than anything else. Akane stood up and pulled Ranma to her door,
preparing to lead him downstairs to find his father.
There was a tremendous crash from next door in Nabiki's room. Akane and
Ranma blinked at each other, then hurried into the hallway.
Nabiki's door was open. Inside could be heard voices: "Saotome-kun, get off
me, you've landed on my knee." "I'd do it if you'd unwrap your arm from
around my neck, Tendo." "Daddy, you're going to wreck my stereo, be careful."
"Genma, Soun-san, if you will let me...lift your leg a little...that's it."
There was the sound of bodies shuffling, then Auntie Saotome backed out of
Nabiki's room. She turned and looked at Ranma and Akane. A huge smile
appeared on her face. "There you are! I am so happy for you two. When can
we set the wedding date?"
Ranma looked embarrassed and angry. "Mom! You were listening, weren't you?"
Akane's father came through the door, tears streaming down his face. "Akane,
my little girl, you've made your poor father so happy!" He gripped her
shoulders and squeezed them affectionately before dissolving into sobs.
"So you finally found the guts to kiss her, eh, Ranma my boy? That's the
spirit!" Ranma's father had a satisfied look on his face. "We'll make a man
out of you yet."
Auntie Saotome gave a small laugh, and her eyes flicked over to her husband.
"That's not what I meant, Genma" she chided gently, still smiling.
Ranma was getting more and more outraged by the moment. "You all were
listening! Nabiki, this is your fault, isn't it! You promised!"
Nabiki had just entered the hallway, a smug look on her face. "I said I
wouldn't dream of it, Ranma. The first time I have a dream about
eavesdropping on you, you can have my apology."
Ranma seemed to swell, towering over her. "Man oh man, if you weren't a girl
I would..."
"Now now, Ranma, don't crowd her like that, it isn't polite."
Ranma's jaw dropped open. "Kasumi?!"
Kasumi stepped daintily out of Nabiki's room, not looking the least bit
embarrassed. "It's so good to see you and Akane getting along so well.
Don't get too carried away, though, you're not married yet."
Akane knew that something should be happening to her blood pressure. She
should be joining Ranma in yelling at everyone. Somehow, though, the fact
that their families had overheard her and Ranma made it seem all the more
real. It was set into everyone's minds, now, and neither she nor Ranma could
pretend that it hadn't happened.
Seeing Ranma gape at Kasumi made Akane laugh. Nabiki started giggling, too,
and it wasn't long before a bewildered Ranma was surrounded by laughter. He
looked so lost that Akane, still laughing, reached over and took his hand.
He looked down at her, blushing slightly at her very public display of
affection. After looking into her eyes, though, Akane could see him set
his embarrassment aside. He started laughing too, squeezing her hand under
the cover of all the commotion.
Akane's spirits rose to new heights. They had a long way to go, she knew,
before they got married or anything like that. Yet somehow she had never
felt closer to *being* married, even on the day of their supposed wedding.
This, she supposed, was real love. Somehow they had neglected to say that
word to each other.
Akane knew, though, that now it was only a matter of time.
Gripping her fiancee's hand, she smiled at her laughing family.
END PART II