This is ..... G R E A T!!! of course, we are both writing along the same
vein....

A couple of comments:

Again, Akane was hit with the sense that what she did in these moments was
critical.  Critical to what, she didn't want to think about right now.  All
she wanted to do was make Ranma feel better, to encourage him to continue
telling her what was afflicting him.

Akane's heart pounded in her chest.  More strongly than ever before, almost
overwhelming her, Akane had the feeling that what she did *here* and *now*,
at this exact moment, would affect her the rest of her life, and Ranma's too.
She needed to say the right thing, or Ranma might never recover.  He had
opened himself up to her, something she had fantasized about but had never
expected to actually occur.  He was as vulnerable, emotionally, as he would
ever allow himself to be.  Ranma was giving her this opening, this
opportunity, and he might never give her another.  If she didn't give him
the answers he needed, he would close up and go away,  and she would never
forgive herself.

Too much repititions in these two paragraphs!


Same problem here... you use the SAME quote twice... and a LONG one!! What
did he have, a tape recorder? ^_^

Ranma stopped for a while, and his eyes began to glisten.  And then, the words
came out of him as if he couldn't stop.  "I'm a bad person, Akane.  I bully
people and say bad things about them.  I don't give anyone any respect; I'd
rather punch them than be nice to them.  I call you uncute and make fun of
you and fight with you all the time, and I don't care if you get hurt while
I'm doing it.  I insult my father and make my mother feel unloved.  Nothing
matters to me other than my stupid martial arts, and what does that get me?
Trouble with princes, monsters, and curses."  Again, he hung his head.
"I don't do nothing but hurt people.  My life ain't worth nothing."

She stopped, trying to figure out what more to say.  Her mind was racing so
fast that half-completed thoughts fled her consciousness before she could
grasp them.  She needed to tell him more, needed him to understand more.

Ranma stopped for a while, and his eyes began to glisten.  And then, the words
came out of him as if he couldn't stop.  "I'm a bad person, Akane.  I bully
people and say bad things about them.  I don't give anyone any respect; I'd
rather punch them than be nice to them.  I call you uncute and make fun of
you and fight with you all the time, and I don't care if you get hurt while
I'm doing it.  I insult my father and make my mother feel unloved.  Nothing
matters to me other than my stupid martial arts, and what does that get me?
Trouble with princes, monsters, and curses."  Again, he hung his head.
"I don't do nothing but hurt people.  My life ain't worth nothing."

There are some beautiful moments in this story... please keep writing it :).

misa
Marisa Price
marisa@gladstone.uoregon.edu
Anime Page!!! http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~marisa/
Mermaid Saga WebPage!!
http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~marisa/mermaid.html
Member of COR and UDIC.