Hi Jon!

"Meanwhile..."
by Jan Sacharuk

*giggle* Um...you've been to Jusenkyo, eh? ^_-
(and I am teasing you! Don't take offence, please!)

Well, this is my first fanfic, ever. And this may be my first post to
this list, ever. I've been lurking for months, now, enjoying the fanfics,
reading what I could. I've picked up a lot of great ideas, but this 'fic,
fo my knowledge is completely original...to an extent of course. I've got
more notes after the story, so I'll let you read those. Enjoy!

Glad you desided to participate and hope you continue to do so! I did 
enjoy it but major depressomatic!

As he died, his
life didn't flash before his eyes, hers did. Her face, he body, her life. Their
life.

This was nicely done and powerful!

O.K. Two big things stood out.

1. One is a continuity problem. Where did Nadoka (sp?) come from? If the 
others are dead, I would assume she would be also. And even if she 
wasn't, how would she find them in this chaos? You either need to add a 
part where they've got a 'shadow' or something or rethink that. It was 
just too convienient (a rabbit hat) for her to show up right then and 
there for no apparent reason except you needed her there. The other 
thing that goes with this is the seppuku. Go to the library or wherever 
and do a little research on that custom. Two things really stood out. 
First, why did Ranma even pull the knife if he wasn't going to do the 
cut and second, she would have cut his head off at the neck, not 'clove 
through his head'.

2. Now this is just a suggestion. I feel like you were going for a 
misdirection here with who the male with Akane was. For a few 
paragraphs, I thought it was Ryoga. You might want to play that angle 
up. It would give a little added 'umph' to the end of the story when 
your reader finds out it isn't.  

And the arrow problem might be solved by by describing it as a piece of 
debris that pierced her like an arrow? *shrug*

This may be a little twisted for my first (perhaps only!) 'fic. Ah well.
:)
C&C is greatly appreciated. I'd really like to know. :)

Hope you continue writing!

Thanks for sharing it.

Little Windlily
(dragoncritter@overyonder.com)