The storyline looked like it has potential, but you need to structure it
better. By the end, it was so jumbled together it was tedious to read.
Don't forget to indent paragraphs, and when a new person speaks, make it a
new paragraph. There's something to be said for good ol' fashioned English
skills:) Do that and it'll look a lot better:) Other than that, looked
okee to me:)!

  
          +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++/--i--\
          =         ~~~*~~~Shampoo~~~*~~~         ||\___/| 
          =   Nekohanten's Resident Bonbori Babe  ||o - o|
          =    and Member of the MFW & cavalry    | /---\
          =     (Juan Valdez!) Highlander ML      E/^ ^ ^\W              
          ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ \m___m/ 
   "Live by the sword, trip and fall on your sword, die by the sword."