Sly - Greasy, geeky, manager.
Matt - Guitarist, not the leader.
Jake - Guitarist, leader.
Sam - Asian girl keyboardist.
Tiff - Bass player.
Black Guy - Drummer.
Dirk Slade - Avant-garde musician.

				

				California Dreams:
                          		 A REAL "Bubble gum"
Crisis!
				    by Noah


	It is a perfectly normal day at a perfectly normal
yuppie high school.
The school's number one band, The California Dreams,  and that
greasy geeky
white boy that hangs around them are at their usual lunch table.

Matt: Hi guys!

Gang: Hi Matt!

Black Guy:(Struggling to sound black) Yo, um... What is up?
(Canned Laughter)

Jake: We just chillin' Black Guy.
(Canned Laughter)

Matt: What's for lunch today?

Tiff: Like tater tots in raspberry sauce!
(Canned Laughter)

Jake: Anybody seen the new Jim Carry movie yet?

	A tall freakish figure wearing a skin tight vinal suite
enters the
room. He pauses then walks to the table were are heroes are
sitting.

Dirk: Hello, I'm Dirk Slade. I hear you guys are musicians.

Sly: Go away FREAK!
(Canned Laughter)

Dirk: Ha ha ha, amusing. I'm searching for musicians for my new
project.
Do you know anyone.

Jake: Well, there's bad guitar Buffy. He knows all that crazy
Hootie and
the Blowfish stuff.

Dirk: Ha ha ha, amusing. I want to know if you know anyone
interested in
playing Avant-garde rock.

Sly: I thought Hootie and the Blowfish was Avant-garde rock!
(Canned Laughter)

Dirk: Ha ha ha...

ALL: AMUSING!

Dirk: Yes, well I shall continue my search elsewhere.

	Dirk leaves the cafeteria.

Black guy: What a freak! Um man.

Sam:(Struggling to sound Chinese) Ya, you say it.

Tiff: Like hey now, shouldn't we be nicer to him. I mean, us
musicians
should stick together. It's not his fault he's not as hip as we
are.

Sly: Ya! Maybe I can teach him how to dress cool!

Jake: Hey, let's ask him to sit in with us at our next gig.

Sam: Yes, great idea!

	Later that day in the hallway.

Tiff:(Very, very, very, very, very cheerfully)Like hi Dirk! The
guys wanted
to like know if you would like to like sit in with us at our
next gig at
the Juice Bar.

Dirk:(Very, very, very, very, very sarcastically) Oh yes, I
would love to
play with you hipsters?

Tiff: Great! I'll like tell the gang!

	Later that day at the juice bar.

Matt: Okay we've got a another very special guest for you. It's
guitarist
Dirk Slade!

Audience Member: Oh dear, I hope he's not as wild as that "Bad
Guitar" Buffy.

Dirk:(Insultingly, To Buffy as he leaves the stage.) I can see
they don't
call you BAD Guitar Buffy for nothin'.

Buffy: Wow! Thanks dude!

	The California Dreams go into one of their corny love
songs as Dirk
explores it's possibilities on the guitar, plying modally and
quickly but
staying in time with the rest of them music. The audience holds
there ears.
Many of them walk out.

	After the show, the Dreams(as they are known to their
fans) and Dirk
discus the show.

Jake: You moron! What in the wide wide world of sports were you
playing?

Sly: Please, I'll handle this. You moron! What in the wide wide
world
of sports were you playing?

Dirk: A dorian mode in the key of A minor.

Tiff: Listen buster, like your Macedonian toad at the flea of
Asia Minor
just cost us our job!

Dirk: Sorry, I thought they would dig it.

Sly: Well they certainly did not "dig it"! You, you, you, dork!

Dirk:(Monotonously) Look who's calling me a dork! Mr. silk shirt
and Dockers!

Matt: Hey! Their is absolutely nothing wrong with silk shirts
and Dockers!

Sly: Please, let me handle this. Their is absolutely nothing
wrong
with silk shirts and Dockers!

Black Guy: Where did you get your clo.. threads at um man.

Dirk: I melted down a bunch of old "Herman's Hermits" albums.

Jake: YOU BASTARD!!!

Sly: Please, let me handle this. YOU BASTARD!!!

	About a week later at school, posters of Dirk's band
"Dirigible Freeway" begin appearing everywhere around school.
The Dreams
immediately begin campaign to remove and deface them.

Dirk: Sly,

Sly: Yes.

Dirk: I've seen rather a lot of my posters with childish and
crude moustaches
drawn on them recently. I was wondering if you knew anything
about it.

Sly: Um, yes as a matter of fact I did it. Me, me, me it was me!
Oops!!!
I mean um no, I don't know anything about it.

Dirk: Okay? Oh there goes the Principal. I've gotta groove.

	Dirk runs after the Principal.

Dirk: Principal, I was wondering if my group could play the
dance.

Principal: Why certainly boy, but you see the California Dreams
always play
at all our dances. So we'll have to have them play half and you
play half,
you see my boy.

Dirk: Yes sir.

	At the inhumanly clean place where the Dreams practice.
The gang
discusses the situation over bottles of Kiwi Strawberry
Cantaloupe-Mackerel
Avocado-Tangerine-Apricot-Mango Snapple.

Jake: C'mon guy's he's no threat. They'll boo him off the moment
he plays
one of them crazy scales.

Black Guy: Maybe we should get Buffy, just in case, um man.

Matt: Ya, and Doogie Bohonkas.

All except Matt: DOOGIE BOHONKAS!!!

Matt: That guy's kind of wild. I heard he plays a guitar in the
shape
of a "V"!

Jake: Come on, we gotta compete with that freak.

Sly: I suppose it's the only way.

	Later that day. The gang along with Doogie and Buffy
practice.
They play a bunch of extremely corny love songs. Along with a
few covers.

Sly: Ya that version of the "Friends Theme" should have 'em
rockin'.

Matt: Along with that crazy "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky".

	At the dance. The California Dreams finish their set.
The crowd treats
them the way the usually do, with mediocre applause.
Dirk applauds, whistles, hoots and screams sarcastically. They
exit the stage.

Sly: Totally rad show guys.

Dirk: Ya, I love that "Hokey Pokey".

Black Guy: That's "Hanky Panky" you dweeb! I mean: Dat's "Hanky
Panky"
Mutha-F*cka!

Dirk: What ever. Say any of you guys want to do a Beatles song
with me?

Jake: Oh boy, I love the Beatles. But they just got to weird for
me.
Which one, "All my Loving", "I Love Her"?

Dirk: Actually I was thinking along the lines of "Tomorrow Never
Knows".

Jake: No thanks dude, that's a little to wild for me.

	Dirk enters the stage along with his equally freakish
band. They play
one song which lasts the whole 45 minute set. It is a
demonstration of
dissonant chords, ironic lyrics, and raw energy. The audience
cover their
ears and about 20 minutes into it a few begin to dig it.

Sly: He's warping our audience! What are we going to do!!!

Matt: I don't know! If people hear him, they might like him.
This could be
the end of yuppiedom as we know it!

Jake: Then we'll be out of a job.

Sam: No job!

Tiff: Like guys, I have an idea. I like write for the school
paper. I'll
give him a horrible review under my pen name: Goofy Bassplayin
Blond.
People believe everything they read, or at least they should.

Matt: But you can't write!

Tiff: I'll just go though our school library's archives and get
an old bad
review and change the names around.

The article appeared like this:

				Dirk Slade Like Sucks!
				by Goofy Bassplayin Blond

	Go ahead call me reationarily. I like happen to object
to the musical
nonsense like currently being peddled in the name of rock and
roll by
Dirk Slade and his like group.
	
	At our like school's dance recenetly, I like listed to a
horrifying
demonsteration of what like appears to be a growing anti-rock
trend
eaxapli... exalpif.... shown by these formost componerennts of
what is
like termed avant-garde music.

	Melodicanically and like harmonianically their
inprovin...
improrvitat... makin' stuff up struck my ear as goobly greech...

	The sincer.. sincer... niceness of Slade is like not the
question here
to these ears like the sum like of like the sounds like remains
musical
like nonsense.

	The day after the article was printed. Dirk approaches
Tiff.

Dirk: I loved your article about me.

Tiff: Um, like that wasn't me.

Dirk: It was just like an article in "Downbeat" magazine about
'Trane and
Dolphy*. Only with more "likes" and more spelling errors.


		  		The End.

	*John Coltrane and Eric Dolphy, two highly criticized
jazz musicians.