Hmmm...what I thought...liked it, but I don't know what I thought...

uh...great. :>

On one hand, a very interesting study of Kasumi, and a *fun* take on the 
first Richard Lawson story ("Heart of the Country"?), whether or not 
that was the intent.

it wasn't the intent.

At the same time, I think you glazed over some of the more interesting 
parts.  The stuff happening with Nabiki was really an aside and should 
have been written as such, and OS jokes just don't fit in the Ranma 
universe. 

actually, that was a mistake.  nabiki originally used coarse language
and kasumi reprimanded her, but i just changed her language to something
harmless.  i forgot to take out kasumi's rebuke.

You went into the right amount of detail about the Soun 
ickiness (leaving it a somewhat vague hint), and the delay in letting the 
reader knowing what was going on was very cool, but I would have like to 
have seen Kasumi more clearly defined as pathologically driven. 

Perhaps something more subtle than tape-recorder hypnotism would have worked 
better?  

i wanted kasumi to be using unorthodox methods as a kind of contrast to the
character we are used to seeing.

Perhaps more conversations where Kasumi acts stupid but subtly 
influences everybody, to replace the scene where she walks in on 
Genma&Nabiki?  

i'll write it and see what i think, then post it if i like it.

the whole fic was confusing. this is proof of that.  Kasumi was IN the guest
room putting the tape on ranma and nabiki and genma were watching her
but couldn't see who it was.  she left the guest room and pretended that she
hadn't been in there.

Perhaps have two scenes, one early on and one later in 

the fic, where pretty much the same thing happens, but it can be 
interpeted as really nasty once Soun's ickiness is shown?     

I also thought the prose was a bit clunky...you overuse run-on sentences 
in their conversations, and probably using run-ons outside of 
conversations is a no.  

yup.  i had a killer headache and then horrible nausea.  it's way too hot
in here.

signed, phoneynt

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       drward@richmond.infi.net