Okay, in my most recent fanfic, "The Right Side of the Ledger", Nabiki
had a nightmare. At the very end of the nightmare, I describe her being
attacked by a wolf. Some people thought the final paragraph a little
too hard to read. I wanted it to be sort of stream-of-consciousness,
like dreams really are. But if people are spending too much time trying
to sort out what's going on, it might be lessening the impact the dream
is supposed to have.
So let me give you three versions of the end of Nabiki's nightmare. Let
me know which version you prefer.
First, the version that appeared in the story:
The wolf gave one final howl, this one so full of hate and triumph
that what remained of Nabiki's sanity fled. It bent down and grabbed
her neck in its jaws and started tearing and its teeth were in her and
its breath was in her and it was killing her and she screamed and
thrashed but it was no good the wolf had her and she fell out of her
chair and screamed and tried to fend it off and screamed again and the
woman with the long pony tail was there and was trying to talk to her
and she shouted "Mother!" and hugged the woman tightly and sobbed and
the woman rocked her gently and comforted her and the wolf was gone.
Here's basically the same words, with more punctuation:
The wolf gave one final howl, this one so full of hate and triumph that
what remained of Nabiki's sanity fled. It bent down and grabbed her
neck in its jaws and started tearing. Its teeth were in her; its breath
was in her. The wolf was killing her. She screamed and thrashed but it
was no good; the wolf had her. She fell out of her chair and screamed
and tried to fend it off. She screamed again. The woman with the pony
tail was there and trying to talk to her. Nabiki cried "Mother!" and
hugged the woman tightly. The woman rocked her gently and comforted
her. And the wolf was gone.
Here's a longer version, dragging out the bad part:
The wolf gave one final howl, this one so full of hate and triumph that
what remained of Nabiki's sanity fled. It bent and licked her neck, its
rough tongue scratching her neck like sandpaper. With a growl, it
opened its jaws wide and clamped down on her neck. She could feel its
teeth penetrating her; she could feel her own blood filling her throat.
It began to shake her like a doll, and she could feel her flesh giving
way. Tears of helpless fear streamed down her face; feebly, she managed
to raise one of her arms an inch. The wolf laughed at her, somehow. In
its eyes, she could see it promise that the terror would never end; she
would never die and never stop feeling its teeth.
Nabiki screamed and fell out of her chair. She thrashed and cried but
it was no use; the wolf had her, would always have her. She screamed,
her scream full of denial and despair. Then she saw the woman with the
long pony tail, and the woman was trying to talk to her. Nabiki cried
out "Mother!" and hugged the woman tightly. The woman rocked her gently
and spoke soothing, comforting words. And the wolf was gone.
Well, which of these did you like better? I still kinda like the first
one for its stream-of-consciousness image; but I also like the third one
- it's a little more graphic. Which do you think evokes a better image
of terror and despair?
Thanks,