Richard D. Lawson wrote:

Okay, here's another one, in the style of "Heart of the Home", only
without flashbacks.  It's also a little more grim; I didn't put any
humor in it.  Is this bad?

No. It worked well. ^_^
 

Let me know what you think.

I loved it! Give yourself a pat on the back! I started out going 'oh, 
great, another Nabiki as the cold hearted bitch' story but boy, was I 
proved wrong, neh? ^_^

 I'm especially interested in the
conversation under the tree; does it sound contrived?

I didn't think so. I found this dialouge to be though...

"Daughter, why were you late?"  Father had a stern look on his face.
"Your sister works so hard to make you a delicious dinner, the least
you can do is to be home in time to enjoy it."

Nabiki knew that look was all bluff; Father had no backbone at all.
She put the slightest bit of irritation into her tone.  "I wasn't
late, Daddy.  I'm here now, eating.  No need to yell at me."

As she predicted, his stern look fell off his face. "I...I was only
trying to...."  He trailed off, a vaguely hurt look on his face.

At least he's not crying, Nabiki thought to herself.  He could be such
a baby sometimes.  She concentrated on her dinner, which *was*
delicious.  Kasumi certainly did know how to cook them.

And here, Mr. Noone had a cameo. ^_-

She amused herself by using her abacus to confirm the computer's
totals.  Her skills on her abacus were second to noone in this day
and age.

Nabiki's spreadsheet was great! Loved the imagery of the little samurai 
and the wolves, they worked well. Though this spot here:

The wolf gave one final howl, this one so full of hate and triumph
that what remained of Nabiki's sanity fled.  It bent down and grabbed
her neck in its jaws and started tearing and the teeth were in her and
its breath was in her and it was killing her and she screamed and
thrashed but it was no good the wolf had her and she fell out of her
chair and screamed and tried to fend it off and screamed again and the
woman with the long pony tail was there and was trying to talk to her
and she shouted "Mother!" and hugged the woman tightly and sobbed and
the woman rocked her gently and comforted her and the wolf was gone.

IMHO, it's too fast and too chaotic and hard to read. I would suggest 
slowing it way down and describing it in almost minute detail. This 
would be more along the lines of a dream where the rotten thing, even if 
it happens in just a split second can drag out for eternity. Just a 
suggestion, though.

I really liked the way you handled Tatewaki and enjoyed the background 
info and explaination of why he and Kodachi are the way they are. These 
too paragraphs were great!

"My father was a businessman,"  Tatewaki said with an even tone, his
words less flowerly than usual.  "A very good one.  He spent all his
time on the business and made for the family a substantial sum of
money.  My sister and I grew up never knowing him.  Our mother was
very unhappy and she took out that unhappiness on us."

Tatewaki paused, the pain of some memory evident in his eyes.  "It
was almost a relief when she...died.  Father took time off from his
business to take care of the family.  It was his duty."  For the first
time Nabiki could recall, the word "duty" sounded like an epitath on
his lips.

Here:

"Thou hidest a thousand daggers in thy thoughts,
 Which thou hast whetted on thy stony heart,
 To stab at half an hour of my life.
 What! canst thou not forbear me half an hour?
 Then get thee gone and dig my grave thyself,
 And bid the merry bells ring to thine ear
 That thou art crowned, not that I am dead."

Nabiki gasped.  Tatewaki nodded and continued.

This quote didn't work for me, though the others did. I didn't get the 
point Kuno was trying to make with it, though obviously Nabiki did. I 
don't know if this will be a problem or not, see what the others say. 
(What piece is this from? It sounds vaugly like Richard the III...) If 
it is, then you might want to have Nabiki explain it in a side thought 
or something.

O.K. there's my take. I really enjoyed it and hope to see more of these!

Thanks for sharing it!

Little Windlily

"Many people have been hit by Cupid's Arrows. Akane and Ranma have been 
hit by Cupid's Hammer."