I'm sorry...I got this far and had to stop...the Crys Saga was bad enough at
times without having what looks like somthing a lot like it starting
up...anyways...as useful C&C, you might want to describe just what "Robert"
and "Dion" *LOOK* like...(Another of the reasons I like prose...it almost
forces you to describe things very well) this entire thing (as far as I read
anyways) needs more description! We didn't know Robert was wearing ANYTHING
until Ranma pointed out a chain...how did Robert know he had MOVED somewhere
to ask "Where am I?" afterthe flash of light, etc...in short...it needs
work...lots of work...

Thanx for the c&c, i realize im not a very good writer..but im working on 
it! and by the way, i liked the crys-saga alot, i dont see why others
hated it so much.

The Crys Saga is an excellent example of the Mary Sue syndrome, which has
been in fanfics for a long time.  In it, the author becomes the main
character in the story, usually ending up fixing the problems of the various
characters, and generally being an idealized portrait of the author.

I am not a fan of them, but if you liked the Crys Saga, check out the
Twisted Path series, and *shudder* Misadventures of a Foreign Exchange
Student.  Oh My God! is also an example, from Oh My Goddess fics.

As for your story...well...we'll start with this:

im

I'm


OK?  Hope this helps a bit.  Sorry to be so brusque.

--Sean Gaffney
--"You git!  I thought you were dead!  Git git git!" - Benny, No Future