Plot and characters based on plot and characters created by
Rumiko Takahashi and Steven Spielberg.
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wella, this is a rough beta, feel free to C&C it, I'll probbably
make changes in some places anyways.  Enjoy!
-rpm
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   Ranma wheezed and coughed, stumbing out of the cave, clutching a small
golden statuette.  It was SUPPOSED to have been a routine expadition, but
now his guide was dead, the natives must've been woken up, and the ancient
ruins were definitely trashed.  Ranma sighed as he stumbled slowly out of
the mouth of the cave, brushing off cobwebs. 

   <Oh well, at least I got the statuette...>

   "SAOTOME!"

   Ranma looked up and smirked.  "Oh, hey there P-chan."
   "SHUT UP!"
   "Whaddaywant _now_, Ryouga?"
   "The statue, Saotome, hand it over."
   Ranma couldn't help but laugh.  "Riiiight, stop wasting my time Ryouga."  
He confidently began to walk away when Ryouga suddenly belted out a loud 
sound, and dozens of them emerged from the forest:  primitive, savage, 
angry, and all looking right at Ranma.
   Killer Pigs.
   Ryouga smirked.  "It pays to know the local language, eh?  Now HAND 
THAT STATUE OVER!!!"
   Ranma quickly analyzed the situation he'd gotten himself into.  
Surrounded, unarmed, and vastly outnumbered.  That alone wasn't so bad...
well, not normally.  The problem was that he didn't feel too good about
taking on hordes of killer pigs.  Hordes of people?  Sure, THAT he had
experience in.
   "Alright, Ryouga, you win."  Ranma reluctantly gave the statuette of 
the golden pig to Ryouga, glaring at him angrily.  Their rivalry had 
always been intense, but ever since Jusenkyo things had gotten pretty 
ugly.  Everyone at the college knew about the dueling archeologists, but 
Ranma always felt that things were getting out of hand.  Ryouga had no 
such problems.
   "There's nothing you can get that I can't take away," sighed Ryouga as 
he admired the artifact.  Then he held it up and yelled, "BWEEEEEEEE!!!"
   All the pigs bowed in worship.
   Ranma took this moment to do what his father had taught him best: run.
   Ryouga blinked.  Then he looked at the retreating form of Ranma and 
grinned an evil grin.  He pointed at Saotome, then squealed, "Bwee bwee
BWEEE!!!!"  Immediately, the swarm of killer pigs chased after Ranma, 
while Ryouga stayed behind and laughed maniacally.

   "Gonnamakeit, gonnamakeit, gonnamakeit," muttered Ranma as he
approached the two-seater propellor airplane that was floating in the
river.  He looked behind him, and the forest errupted with swarms of small
black bweee-ing furies. 
   "START THE PLANE, HIROSHI!!!"  Ranma was 20 feet away, and closing in 
fast.  <Just... a little... further...>  "START THE PLAAAAAAANE!!!"
   Hiroshi looked up from the cockpit and away from his magazine.  He saw 
the swarm of piglet power bearing down on Ranma and muttered, "I don't 
believe it..."  Immediately, the engine roared to life and zoomed down 
the river.
   "WAIT FOR ME YOU IDIOT!!!" yelled Ranma.  He scrambled along the river,
paralllel to the plane, jumped for a vine, swung across gallantly, and
clonged his head against the side of the plane.  He slid off and began
sinking into water when he finally woke up and dragged himself... now
herself, back onto the wing and into the cockpit.  She sighed with relief
as the plane took off, leaving behind dozens of angry squealing pigs.
   "So, how'd it go?" asked Hiroshi.
   "Don't ask."
   Ranma closed her eyes and leaned back... then suddenly tensed up again.
Something... something was down there at his feet.  She peered downward to 
get a better look.
   -meow-
   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"
   "WHAT?  WHAT?" asked a startled Hiroshi.
   "THERE'S A CAT ON THE PLANE!!!"
   "Yeah, so?"
   "I HATE CATS, HIROSHI!!! I HATE'EM!!!"
   "Aw, c'mon man, they're just cute cuddly little things..."
   -meow-
   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGH!!!"

  ===================================================
        Ranma 1/2:  Raiders of the Nanban Mirror
  ===================================================

   Classes.
   He hated'em.
   Ranma sat in his archaeology class, nearly falling asleep in the
process.  Why listen to this, he wondered, when he got tons of field
experience anyways?  Besides, the professor, Soun Tendo, kinda rambled
sometimes.
   Ranma didn't notice all the female eyes aimed at his snoring,
semi-conscious form.  Or, the professor's.
   "RANMAAAAA!!!"
   "AAAGH!"
   "Stay awake, son!"
   "Ah... y-yessir."  <Stupid class...>

   After class came the much-dreaded talk with Mr. Tendo.  He wasn't going
to like the news.
   "So, Ranma!  Nice to see you made it back alright!"
   "Thanks, Mr. Tendo."
   "Akane's looking forward to seeing you again.  She even cooked dinner."
   <Oh no.>
   "So, how was the expadition?" asked Soun as they walked through the
university museum. 
   "Um... er... well..."
   "Okay, so let's see the statuette, son!"
   There was an alarming silence.
   "Well... it went like this..."
   Ranma explained.
   Soun listened.
   A full minute passed....

   "RANMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

*

   The next day, Ranma sat in the campus caffeteria, his ears almost
healed from the ringing noise it gained when Mr. Tendo went off into his
Anything Goes Archaeology And Martial Arts Screaming Demon Head Attack.
He sighed.  It wasn't easy being an archaeologist, and it wasn't easy
being a martial artist.  It was hell being both.
   "Mr. Saotome?"
   Ranma blinked out of his thoughts and looked at the person speaking to
him.  It was a man in a plain black suit, hat, and dark sunglasses.
   "What?"
   "You Ranma Saotome?"
   "Yeah, who wants t'know?"
   "Just call me Daisuke.  Japanese Govornment, sir.  Follow me."
   They entered an empty auditorium and made sure it was empty.
   "Mr. Saotome, have you heard of the Nanban Mirror?"
   "Um... lessee... ancient mirror that was able to take it's owner
through any place and time, according to the legends, and even bring other
things to the owner."
   "That is correct."
   "But s'just a legend.  The thing don't exist," said Ranma confidently.
   "How about if I told you... it did exist."
   "No way."
   "Way."
   Ranma blinked.  "Um, what?"
   "Our sources have found out that leads have been uncovered that
indicates the Mirror DOES exist."
   "Who?  What?  Tell me!"
   "The problem is... the problem is WHO has found these leads.  You see,
there are two powerful orgainzations, both of which we strongly suspect of
anti-govornment operations, that have been hunting for the mirror.  The
Joketsuzoku and the Kuno Foundation."
   "Whoa, that's serious.  Good thing they're not working tog-"
   "They're working together."
   "Oh man."
   "We need you to be our man for this operation.  Find the Mirror before
they do, and bring it back, or destroy it."
   "You can count on me."
   "Good, now here's all the leads we've gotten so far.  For the past two
years, the Kuno Corporation has been hiring the archaeologists and
scouring the earth for supernatural relics.  Mr. Kuno himself is obsessed
with the occult.  Just recently, however, he's been focusing on China, and
just last week our spies managed to overhear this message."  He handed a
piece of paper to Ranma, who read it slowly.

   // Quinghai excavation proceeding.  Find headpiece, staff of Lo Chan.
Prof. Kounji, Japan.//

   "Prof. Kounji?  Hey, I knew that guy!" said Ranma.  "Pop usedta work
with him for a while!" 
   "We found it somewhat suspicious that they mentioned him in this
message." 
   "What?  Hey, Mr. Kounji was alright!  In fact...y'know, he was real
obsessed with finding that thing too.  You guys oughta talk to him." 
   "We tried, Mr. Saotome, but we have yet to locate him." 
   "Well... let me look..." 
   "You mean you'll find the mirror for us?" 
   "Hey, wait a sec..." 
   "Thank you, Mr. Saotome!  You're doing your country a great service! 
Good day!" 
   "What???  Wait!"  <Oh well> thought Ranma, <At least I can visit 'ol
Ucchan again.  Wonder how he's been.>

*

   In a fairly large log structure, high in the snowy parts of the
mountains of Japan, a crowd was watching a rather intense confrontation.
At both ends of the room, two figures eyed each other, with spatulas at
the ready and ingredients all layed out.  Cheers of 'Joe!  Joe!  Joe!'
and 'Ukyo!  Ukyo!  Ukyo!' were being shouted.  Everyone knew, these two
men were the greatest chefs in the region.
   The hourly bells chimed on the clock, and suddenly the two cooks
started grilling at lightning speed.  Suddenly, one of them shouted
triumphantly and held up a fully done okonomiyaki, with sauce.  The other
cook wasn't even half done.  The crowd cheered, much money was won or lost
(depending on how they bet) and the winner, clad in traditional
okonomiyaki vendor clothes, with long black hair tied back into a
ponytail, closed up the place.
   "Ah, got'em again," the cook said.
   Suddenly, there was a burst of cold air as someone entered the
resteraunt.
   "Hey buddy, we're closed."
   "Hello, Ucchan."
   The okonomiyaki chef froze in place.  "Ranchan?"
   "Hey, Ucchan, good t'see ya again!"  Ranma stepped forward with a silly
grin and patted 'Ucchan' on the shoulders.
   "Ranchan, is it really you?"
   "Y'remember me, don'cha?"
   "I always knew I'd see you again," said Ukyo, reaching for a rather
large metal spatula.
   "So, how's things-"
   "DIE!!!"
   The sound of somebody hitting the walls repeatedly boomed into the
night, and then the front door burst open with Ranma flying out of them.
   "AND DON'T COME BACK!!!" yelled Ukyo.  With a slam, the doors shut, and
Ukyo went back to the bar.   A high-caffiene soda was poured and
rather violent and foul curses were muttered.  "The nerve of him... I
oughta... why that..."
   A minute later, the doors slammed open again.
   Ukyo turned around angrily.  "DAMMIT I SAID WE'RE.. who the hell are
you?"  Standing in the doorway were several tall and EXTREMELY muscular
women, all wielding mallets.  Two of them held the door open, and a man in
heavy white robes and massively thick glasses strode in.
   "Ah, we are not here for food or drink.  Allow me to introduce
myself.  I am... Mousse, of the Joketsuzoku.  You," he said, blatantly
pausing for effect, "are MISS Ukyo Kounji?"
   Ukyo's eyes opened wide in surprise.  "How'd you-"
   "We know alot, Miss Kounji.  And we know you have a certain ... 
<another blatant pause for effect) item which we are interested in."
   "Oh?  Which one's that?"
   "It is a ... (yet another pause for drama) golden disc, with a jewel in
the center.  We wish to... acquire it."
   "That's annoying, y'know," muttered Ukyo.
   "What is?"
   "The dramatic ... (blatant pause for effect) thing that you do."
   "I... do that?"
   "Alot, yes!"
   "How odd... I don't notice it.  Do you?"  Mousse looked at his troop of
Amazon women as if asking them.  They shrugged and shook their heads.
"Anyways, we're here for the headpiece to the staff of Lo Chan, and are
willing to make you a... generous offer."
   "You did it again!" yelled Kounji.
   "Did... what?"
   "THERE!  One more time!"
   "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"
   "That dramatic pause stuff!"
   Mousse, already fairly agitated, had enough.  "THAT'S IT!!! LADIES!"
Before she could react, several titanic women grabbed Ukyo and held her in
place.  Mousse pulled out a long stick with a duck plushie attached to the
end.  He held it in the fireplace briefly, then approaced Ukyo with a
definite menace in his voice.  "You WILL tell us where the headpiece is,
or ELSE!"  He waved around the burning duck-staff menacingly near her
face.
   The doors dramatically burst open yet again, and Ukyo was wondering how
much it was going to cost her to get the door restored.
   Ranma shambled in again, and right by several of the goliath women.
"Now waitaminute Ucchan!  What'd I... I... hey, who're these guys?"
   Ukyo scowled and looked away.  <Idiot.>
   Mousse paused again, but this time purely by surprise.  "Saotome?"
   "Um, yeah, who're you?"
   "SAOTOME!!!"  Mousse swung at him with his burning staff.
   "Hey!  Get that flamin'duck outta my face!"  Ranma quickly dodged the
staff, and punted Mousse into a wall.  The flaming waterfowl dropped to
the rug on the floor, which was unfortunately somewhat soaked with alcohol
from the somewhat drunk dinnertime crowd that was there earlier.  Everyone
stepped back in surprise as the curtain and floor burst in flames.  Ukyo
used the distraction to pull free of her captors and scramble away,
pulling off a titanic spatula from the wall.  She immediately started
swiging at Amazons left and right.  She didn't notice a certain medallion
that flew out of her shirt pocket as she was fighting. 
   Ranma was a bit busy himself, as one particularly huge Amazon with a
titanic mallet was swinging at him.  He managed to grab a hold of the
handle, and struggled to get the mallet out of the amazon's hands.
   Mousse, shaken a bit, got up and saw the two locked in combat.  He
motioned for two other amazons and pointed at Ranma.
   "Mallet them, mallet them both."
   The Amazon's eyes opened wide in surprise, then she quickly took her
megamallet (with Ranma still holding on) and whapped the other two amazons
into the floor, and in the process, flung Ranma away and right into
Mousse.
   Ranma landed head-first into the wall, while Mousse just landed on his
back this time.  He stood up, wincing, then bent down to peer into a
flame.
   "The medallion!"  Mousse reached in to grab the medallion, held it
tight, raised it in triumph, said, "AAAAAAAH!  HOT!"  He dropped the
medallion and made a Mousse-shaped hole in the wall.
   Then Ranma woke up.  He slowly pulled himself off of the wall and then
noticed something shiny on the floor.  "Mmm... gold medallion."  He
reached forward and grabbed the locket.
   "AAAAH!  HOT!  HOT!  HOT!"
   Ukyo appeared behind him and clonked him with her spatula.  "Of course
it's hot, stupid!  It was in a fire!  Now c'mon, let's get outta here!"
She scooped up the medallion, then ran from the burning buliding with
Ranma right behind her.

   Several minute later...
   Ranma and Ukyo were trudging through the snow.
   "Um, Ucchan, you haven't said a thing."
   Ukyo ignored him.
   "Ucchan, c'mon, we used to be best friends, man."
   "I'M A GIRL!!!"
   Ranma blinked.  "Um, what?"
   "I AM A GIRL!!!"
   "Heeey, you didn't go to Jusenkyo, did ya?"
   *CLONG*
   "Ow!  Hey, sorry, sorry!"
   The two trudged further along, Ukyo feeling still very angry, and Ranma
in shock.  "Y'mean... all this time," he muttered, "a girl?"
   "Shut up, Saotome."
   "NOW what're you mad about?!?!" yelled Ranma.
   "You mean... you really don't know?"
   "Know WHAT?"
   "YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!!!"
   "Of course!  Pop had to go take that job at some university!"
   "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING ME!!!"
   "Huh?  Why?"
   "I... am.... no, I WAS... your FIANCEE!!!"
   Ranma turned pale with shock.  "WHAT?!"
   "I was SUPPOSED to be YOUR WIFE, except YOU and YOUR FATHER ran off!!!"
   "I... I didn't know!  I swear!  It's pop's fault!  I had nothing to do
with it!  It's NOT MY FAULT, I SWEAR!!!" 
   Ukyo sighed.  "Well... dammit, like it or not, I'm stickin' by you
now."
   "Huh?"
   "You owe me, Ranchan, ya got my resteraunt burned to the ground, and
I'm not leaving ya until I get all my money back."
   "WHAT?"
   "I'm your new damn partner!!!"

-end part 1-