This was written about three years ago, way before I heard of anime,
there was this writer of fanfics.  Y'see, I'm a Street Fighter fan,
even got a trophy from a tournament I won.  Anyways, this writer
started me wondering if maybe I should give fanfic writing a try.
She's got other stories, but I jsut wanted to put this one up
since it's small and funny.  She does write normally, in novelization
format, and I'll put her stuff up  (since there IS a lack of non-ranma
fanfics 'round here).  Hope ya like it...

-RpM
----------------------------------------------------------------------

If Guile had an advice column (#1)
If Guile and Chun Li had an advice column (#2 and #3)
If Vega and Chun Li had an advice column (#4)
If Ryu and M. Bison had an advice column (#5)


--  #1

Dear Guile,

There is this really handsome guy I like (he's soooo cute in that red
headband!) but he's avoided me for months--all he cares about is "the fight". 
So, I challenged him to a practice match, and kicked the tar out of him.  He
even agreed that I was "The Strongest Woman in the World"!  But then, when I
tried to kiss him, he pushed me away.  What am I doing wrong?

--Despondent Warrioress

Guile sez:

Okay, say you really like a guy and want to, you know, get a little closer to
him.  There are things you do, and things you do not do.  The things you do
include bashful looks, judicious flattery, letters, that sort of spiel.

What you do NOT do... is pound the poor sap into next year, force him to call
you "The Strongest Woman in the World", and then come on like the Succubus
Queen.  For God's sake, woman!  Haven't you ever heard of an ego?


Dear Guile,

I hate the Wandering Warrior.  I want to extract vengeance for the humiliation
he has inflicted upon me--I want to KILL HIM!  But he will not fight me in
single combat.  I've challenged, threatened...

--Seething Former Champion

Guile sez:

Have you tried saying "please"?
Geez, if he's not man enough to fight you, what do you care, anyway?  


Dear Guile,

I am trying to take over the world, but my criminal network is severely
hampered by incompetent help.  Just today, I had to put down yet ANOTHER
fruitless bout of infighting between a pair of raw-recruit, boxing
IDIOTS!  They are supposed to be STREET FIGHTERS, not CHILDREN!

I could kill them both, but I've been doing too much of that lately and we have
a personnel shortage--the reason that our acceptance standards have fallen so
low in the first place.  Well?

--The Lord of the Shadoloo

Guile sez:

I am still sworn to kill you.


-- #2

Dear Guile and Chun Li,

I am a sumotori who has trained from birth to one day earn the honor of
becoming a grand champion.  Yet now that I have achieved my life's dream, I
learn that the rest of the world does not even deign to call my discipline a
mere "sport", let alone a Fighting Art!  How may I act to correct this outrage?

--yokozuna

Chun Li says,

I have an idea.  What if you were to enter an underground, global blood sport
competition, and defeat all challengers?  That would prove the worthiness of
your style to the entire world!

Guile sez, 

Nah, it'd never work.  Go study aikido.


Dear Guile and Chun Li,

I am in search of a man worthy to be my husband.  I challenge my suitors with
my sword, and have vanquished all comers so far.  But, alas!  My endless string
of conquests is a lonely life.  Ah, cest la vie...

--master swordswoman & ex-kitchenmaid

Chun Li says,

I sympathize, sister.  And I thought I had troubles...

Guile sez,

Keep away from me. 


Querida Gaiel y Chun Li,

Yo odio a todos los feos.  LOS ODIO MUCHISIMO!  Los feos no merecen nada
clemencia, a fin de que QUIERA DESTRUIR A LOS TODOS!!!  JEE, JEE, JEE!!!

--el hombre mas guapo en el mundo

Chun Li says, 

You are sick.  You need help.  Please, accepting that you are ill is the first
step to becoming well.

Guile sez, 

I got this survival knife in my pocket that I wanna show you...


-- #3

Shitsurei-shimas, Gailru-san to Li Chun-san,

Watashi ni wa shoubu ga inochi des.  Hoka no hito wa sore-o  
nakanaka wakatte-kuremasen.  Sumimasen ga, doo sureba iin des ka.

--yasumanai samurai

Chun Li says,

Alas, O storm-tossed soul, I weep for thee.  If this lonely path is truly what
you have chosen for your fate, then no words can I offer to your avail.

Guile sez,

Am I supposed to UNDERSTAND this!!?  It's written in JAPANESE!!!!!


Dear Guile and Chun Li,

My boyfriend and I were engaged to be married... and then he left me behind 
to practice karate in some world-wide fighting contest... please, I am so 
lonely without him, what should I do?

Part of me is afraid that he will never come back, I don't know if
he will or not...  

--pining sweetheart

Chun Li says,

It is time to take matters into your own hands, sister.  Go to him.  Learn the
truth once and for all.

Guile sez,

And if he dumps you, get a cat.


Dear Guile and Chun Li,

I am striving hard to raise my infant son while my husband is away.  I wish I
could contact him, but he is constantly travelling around the world; my
penned letters cannot reach him because the forwarding address is 
constantly changing.  Would you know of a way that, with the blessing of the 
Enlightened One, my thoughts might go to him?

--wife of a Kabaddi Master

Chun Li says,

Hm, a way to nearly instantly send messenges to someone who could be anywhere 
in the world... sorry, I can't think of a thing.
 
Guile sez,

That fool had... no business deserting you.  No right.  He...
He should go home... should be a family man.  He...

Chun, you're gonna have to continue this without me.                                                                
_______________________________________________________________
--Special thanks to Alsdorf Yuri-sensei, my Japanese tutor, for fixing a few
things before this was posted.

And now it's time for...
              THE SPANISH TRANSLATIONS YOU KNEW ALL ALONG...

"Yo odio a todos los feos.  LOS ODIO MUCHISIMO!  Los feos no merecen nada 
clemencia, a fin de que TODOS LOS QUIERA DESTRUIR!  JEE, JEE, JEE!"
"I hate the ugly.  I HATE THEM VERY MUCH!  The ugly deserve no mercy, so I WANT
TO DESTROY THEM ALL!  HEE, HEE, HEE!"

"Los combatientes guapos no pierden las batallas nunca."
"Handsome fighters never lose battles." (from any type of SF II)

"Las gracias por un tiempo bellisimo."
"Thank you for a gorgeous time." (from SF II for the SNES)

Additional notes:  "h" is silent in Spanish; however, the consonant "j" is
pronounced similar to "h".  
Unlike standard formal English, standard formal Spanish DOES permit and utilize
the double negative to emphasize a negative sentence.  "no... nada" and "no...
nunca" are perfectly grammatical in Spanish & make stronger statements than 
single negatives.


"THIS WORLD EXISTS ONLY FOR THE BEAUTIFUL, SO NATURALLY ONLY A GORGEOUS HUNK OF
A MAN LIKE ME COULD WIN!"  Vega stands tall, stroking his long blond hair, and
adds "THE UGLY DESERVE NO MERCY... SO I DESTROYED THEM ALL!  HEE, HEE, HEE!!!"
--Carlos Vegaverde (from SF II CE & HF)

I told you, you knew the translations all along...  


-- #4

"Okay, now as you know Guile became too upset to continue this column  
after #3 and left... but fortunately, I've managed to find a  
last-minute replacement.  Ladies and gentlemen, meet Vega."

[seconds go by...]

"Say hello, Vega."
"!Hola!  Jee, jee, jee..."
"Now we all know that Vega used to have a few problems, but he says  
he's feeling much better now, and he works cheap."
"I would do this for free!  It is a pleasure to merely exist adjacent  
to one of such radiant beauty, senorita Chun Li..."
"Um, thank you, I think.  Oh, and Vega, not so close with the claws,  
all right?"
"But I designed them myself... don't you find the tracings  
beautiful?"
"Yes, yes, very pretty.  Okay.  So, let's get started... hm, here's a  
letter that Guile and I never got around to answering, earlier..."

Dear Guile and Chun Li,

I was wondering what you might have to say about the initiation an  
interracial relationship... white guy, Asian woman.  (Hee, hee, just  
LOOK at who I'm asking).

--interested fellow

Chun Li says,

No innuendoes, now!  Guile is married, remember?  As to your  
question, let me think about it for a moment... do you have anything  
to add, Vega?

Vega dice,

Es muy evidente que el hombre tiene que conquistar a la dama linda.

"WHAT?  'It is very obvious that the man has to conquer the pretty  
woman?' Vega, what kind of advice is THAT?"
"It is a traditional theme in my country's culture...  Here, let me  
show you..."
"Hey!  Please, Vega, no."
"Don't you like...?
"We agreed that we are together to give_ advice_."
"But you are so beautiful..."
"No means no.  Move it or lose it."
"You are not even giving me a chance."
"This is your last warning before I show you why I am the STRONGEST  
WOMAN IN THE WORLD!"
"I would like to see you try!"

Dear Vega and Chun Li,

I subscribe to a refreshingly interesting Internet newsgroup with one  
flaw... there seems to be a great deal of "flaming" and general  
nastiness all around. What can I do about all the constant, senseless  
sniping?

--sadly concerned

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"SUPININGU-BADDO-HUIITO!"
<ooof>
"This is the kick that strikes like LIGHTNING!  YAH!  YAH!  YAH!"
"My CLAWS!  You broke my CLAWS!"

Chun Li says,

YAH! <fireball> What was the question again?

Vega dice,

<backflipping> I forgot.

Dear Vega and Chun Li,

Oh, by the way I am a guy, and just want to clarify that I would be  
interested in an Asian female, not Guile (hehe).

--interested fellow

"NOOOO!  NOT THE FACE!  NOT THE FACE!"
"All RIGHT, then!"

Chun Li says,

Well, if you are patient, open, and RESPECTFUL OF HER PRIVACY, then  
she will surely tell you how she feels one way or the other... am I  
RIGHT, VEGA?

Vega dice,

<disdainful sniff>  This isn't fun any more.  I'm leaving.  


"Oh, great.  Now what am I going to do?"
__________________
--special thanks to Nick, for helping me dream this up (heh, heh,  
heh)

Quickie rundown on the previous column's Japanese:  Ryu said, "To me,  
the fight is my life.  Other people have a hard time understanding  
this.  What should I do?" & signed it "yasumanai samurai" (literally,  
"warrior who does not rest"--'cause he's constantly in search of the  
fight).


-- #5

"Ryu, please.  Someone has to keep this column going now that Guile and Vega
have departed..."
"Li Chun-san, sore-o dekimasen."
"Oh, come on Ryu, of COURSE you can do this... and why are you calling me
'-san'?  'Miss' Chun Li?  I thought we were closer than that, friends..."
"I use '-san' to show my respect for you."
*feminine sigh*

<enter a third player>

"YOU!  What are YOU doing here!!??"
<bow>  "Merely inquiring after a complaint from one of my people... Vega was
referring to you with Spanish words that I shall not repeat in polite company. 
Since you did him no true harm, milady, I shall be lenient and present you with
a warning only... this one time."
"You MURDERER!"

<patient, restraining hand on sleeve>  "You do not know that.  You do
not have any evidence."
"I SAW him kill my FATHER!"
"Then it is your word against his."
"Admit it, Bison!  You slew my father in COLD BLOOD!"

<produces little black book>  "Hm, your father... US air-force pilot?"
"No!"
<flip-flip>  "Tall man with an orange beard?"
"No!"
<flip-flip>  "Black leather jacket, likes to wear cowboy boots?"
"NO!"

"Li Chun-san..."
"That does it!  Right now, the worst thing I can do to you BOTH is to let YOU
take over the column!"

Dear Ryu and M. Bison,

I seek to attain mystical harmony and a higher level of consciousness.  Yet my
own inward self comes between my meditations and my goal of enlightenment. 
How may I transcend past my own limitations?

--humble practicioner of Kabaddi

Ryu-san to iimas,

Learn about yourself through the fight.  Practice the fight.  The fight is all.

M. Bison dictates,

Bah, what is there to advise you upon?  If you want something, take it.  If
something gets in your way, destroy it.  If someone tries to stop you, kill
them.

Dear Ryu and M. Bison,

I have a friend who has as good as withdrawn from the world.  All he cares
about is the struggle, now.  How can I help the **** IDIOT see that there is
more to life?

--concerned dock worker on the East Coast

Ryu-san to iimas,

The only thing to be concerned about is the fight.  Study the fight.  The fight
is all.

M. Bison dictates,

If your friend does not act as you wish him to, then he has outlived his
usefulness.  Should you have any difficulty in diposing of him, then I have
people who work for reasonable rates.

Dear Ryu and M. Bison,

You think that you are going to survive this tournament to see the next.  You
think wrongly.  Your contracts are both going to be... Terminated.

--the Master of All Shadows

Ryu-san to iimas,

All that matters is the fight.  I shall continue the fight.  The fight is all. 
Shitsurei-shimas <bow>

M. Bison dictates,

No... it can't end like this... it can't... ("Terminated"?  HE is going to find
me!  I have to get away from here.  I have to get far, far, AWAY...)

<suddenly and simultaneously>  "Sonic BOOM!"  "YAH YAH YAH YAH!!!!"

[dramatic pause]

"Wait one moment... Chun, no one's here.  You said that M. Bison was--"
"He must have left!  We were too late!  I don't see Ryu anywhere, either..." 
*feminine sigh, again*
"Don't worry about Ryu, Chun.  As for M. Bison... if we stay, he may come back,
and then he is MINE."
"Guile--you agreed that we would cooperate to bring him to justice for his
crimes, remember?"
"Oh, yeah... 'justice'."  (The surest justice there is... a quick snap of the
neck).
________________________________________________________________

Yes, I know it's getting weirder.  Thanks to Cassandra for ideas...
..and to Tin-Yau Fung, for a lively debate about the title "-san"...
..and to Robert Chan for good intentions... *sigh* 

Bethany Cox
coxb@carleton.edu