On Sun, 19 May 1996, Richard D. Lawson wrote:

This is my first-ever attempt at a fanfic.  It's a Ranma 1/2 story.  It's pretty serious for Ranma, 
but it's a story that I've always wanted to tell.  Please let me know what you think; I'm very 
interested in some Commentary and Criticism.

Wow!
Very impressive, especially for a first story.
Some C&C:

- Boring stuff first: Word-wrap your story to 70 characters per line.  It 
often went over, which makes things surprisingly annoying to read.  In 
addition, every ' looked liked some random ANSI value.

- Most of the characterization was *neat*.  However, there were a few 
complaints...although maybe I'm missing out on something.  Anyway...there 
were a few places, like with "would the elves like breakfast too?", 
where you're explaining her thought process, she says something 
airhead-ish, and you don't explain why she said it.  It gives the 
impression that the reason she said it is because she's an airhead.  In 
addition, you never really explain why she acts like an airhead if she's 
intelligent.  I'd like to see that be a weakness in her personality, a 
neurotic fear of acting intelligent...your Kasumi was a bit too perfect.  
Plus the disparity would seem to be the defining element of her 
personality...it really needs to be better explained, however you choose 
to do it.

- The story seemed a bit long for what was basically a "day in the life" 
type story.  You probably want to limit things to what happens in one, 
typical day...maybe with occasional flashbacks to her childhood or 
whatever.  You wouldn't have to change things much.  Also, there were some 
scenes I don't think added much to anything.  Sorry that I can't think of 
any offhand...

- That Kunou buying photographs thing.  Nothing really to add to that, 
but that's one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a fanfic.

- That was great, when you incorporated in the episode of Ranma where 
Akane has her hair cut.  However, you then did that something like 20 more 
times, which was kind of over-doing it.  BTW, if you do make it what 
happens in one day, make it a day from one of the early mangas, perhaps the 
hair-cut one.  R&A's relationship is just starting out, and you proved 
that Kasumi deals with it in a *very* interesting fashion.

- Kasumi's thoughts on hair.  I expected that to be some kind of a central 
theme/image to things, and you seemed to build it up that way.  But then 
it was half-developed, and I wondered why it was there, it seemed to be a 
vain concern that didn't really fit into your Kasumi.

- The ending was cool.  Kind of reminded me of "Mi Familia"...although 
so did the whole fic, to some degree.  Which is a good thing.  ^_^

- I liked how you used Akane and Ranma as background characters, doing 
background type things.  However, the dialog didn't really seem that 
Ranma-ish.  The fight at the beginning...since when has Akane been so 
concerned about Ranma getting dirty, or damaging the dojo?  And why does 
she mention elves?  Their argument seemed pretty focused, considering it 
usually takes their arguments two sentences to degenerate into "You're 
uncute!" and "You're a pervert!"

- Talk about her going to college just didn't ring true.  She seemed too 
concerned with the family.  You've made her the backbone of the 
family...and she knows it.  I don't think Kasumi would even consider going 
off to college unless Nabiki and Akane are both off.  And she'd probably 
stay for Soun's sake, even then.

- Haven't mentioned Nabiki yet.  Love what you do with her 
characterization. 

- Use of Japanese=bleh.  Maybe it's personal tastes, but I've always thought 
that it's a kind of phoney way to immerse the reader in Japanese culture.  
Plus the fact that most readers (myself included, unfortunately), won't 
know some or any of the Japanese words used.

But to repeat myself...wow!  

Hmm...meant to make this private.  Oh well.

All of this has been IMHO,

Jeff

****jdrutsch@ucdavis.edu***********************Jeff Rutsch************* 
"Ranma's not a boy...he's a girl!"
"Akane is MY fiancee!  You TOUCH her, and I'll KILL you!"
"Ranma, change back into a boy while I buy you some time."
"But if I seem to act unkind/it's only me, it's not my mind."
"Ranma [sic],/give your heart to Akane [sic]. /Soon,/right away."
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