Jeff
First of all, let me say I really appreciate such intelligent C&C.
- Boring stuff first: Word-wrap your story to 70
characters per line. It often went over, which
makes things surprisingly annoying to read. In
addition, every ' looked liked some random ANSI
value.
Thanks, this was all news to me. I'll reformat the next version.
like with "would the elves like breakfast too?",
where you're explaining her thought process,
she says something airhead-ish, and you don't explain
why she said it. It gives the impression that the
reason she said it is because she's an airhead.
I sort of was hoping that the end of the fighting between Akane and
Ranma would be the obvious reason for her intervention. "It had the
desired affect." was the line that I hoped would point this out. I'll
maybe spell this out a little.
In addition, you never really explain why she acts
like an airhead if she's intelligent. I'd like to
see that be a weakness in her personality, a neurotic
fear of acting intelligent...your Kasumi was a bit
too perfect. Plus the disparity would seem to be the
defining element of her personality...it really needs
to be better explained, however you choose to do it.
This is good commentary. What I was trying to show was, with all of the
unusual, bizarre things that happen in the Tendo home, Kasumi
deliberately maintains an air of detachment that the other characters
draw strength from. Someone needs to be the anchor to normality, and
Kasumi has set herself up as that anchor. You're right, I wasn't
entirely satisfied that I had made this point. I'll try to tie things
together a little better.
- The story seemed a bit long for what was
basically a "day in the life" type story.
You probably want to limit things to what
happens in one, typical day...maybe with occasional
flashbacks to her childhood or whatever. You
wouldn't have to change things much.
I thought this *was* the story I was writing. Maybe I wasn't so clear
on this, either. How did you interperet the timeline of the story?
Also, there were some scenes I don't think
added much to anything. Sorry that I can't
think of any offhand...
Let me know if they come to you.
- That Kunou buying photographs thing. Nothing really to add to that,
but that's one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a fanfic.
Thanks. When I was writing the "budget" scene, it occurred to me how
unlikely it was that a household of six could be supported on one man's
irregular salary. That's where I got the idea of Kuno being the
benefactor of the family.
That was great, when you incorporated in the
episode of Ranma where Akane has her hair cut.
However, you then did that something like 20 more
times, which was kind of over-doing it.
I think I'll remove the reference right at the beginning. You're right,
it's a bit repetitive to bring it up again later.
Kasumi's thoughts on hair. I expected that to be
some kind of a central theme/image to things, and
you seemed to build it up that way. But then
it was half-developed, and I wondered why it was
there, it seemed to be a vain concern that didn't
really fit into your Kasumi.
Again, good point. I'll reduce the hair reference in the beginning.
I'll work in some other early thought that will let the readers know
where I'm headed, or maybe I'll wait until the apron.
- The ending was cool. Kind of reminded me of
"Mi Familia"...although so did the whole fic,
to some degree. Which is a good thing. ^_^
If I may allow myself some self-congratulations, I really liked the
ending, too. I worked a long time trying to get the wording just right.
I liked how you used Akane and Ranma
as background characters, doing background
type things. However, the dialog didn't really
seem that Ranma-ish. Their argument
seemed pretty focused, considering it usually
takes their arguments two sentences to degenerate
into "You're uncute!" and "You're a pervert!"
My biggest problem, as a writer, is that I tend to make people talk the
way *I* talk. At the same time, I wanted the argument to be distinct
from the 100 or so similar arguments that have arisen in various
fanfics. That's why I did the elves thing. It also provided an easy
entry point into the argument for Kasumi. I'll think on this; maybe if
I'm redefining Kasumi, I shouldn't try to change everyone else, too.
- Talk about her going to college just didn't
ring true. She seemed too concerned with the
family. You've made her the backbone of the
family...and she knows it. I don't think Kasumi
would even consider going off to college unless
Nabiki and Akane are both off.
When Kasumi was thinking of college, she was thinking of Nabiki going to
college. One problem with a household of female characters is that
"she" can often be a confusing pronoun. I'll rewrite this to make it
more clear.
Haven't mentioned Nabiki yet. Love what you do
with her characterization.
Thanks again. Nabiki's character has degenerated into a stereotype in
so many fanfics, I wanted to try to hint at deeper things in her. My
next fanfic may be about her - she is my favorite character.
- Use of Japanese=bleh. Maybe it's personal
tastes, but I've always thought that it's a
kind of phoney way to immerse the reader in
Japanese culture. Plus the fact that most
readers (myself included, unfortunately), won't
know some or any of the Japanese words used.
I hadn't planned on using any Japanese. I wanted to name Kasumi's
mother, but it certainly wasn't my place to do so - only RT has that
privilege, IMO. I finally settled on the Japanese word for mother,
"Okaasan". And then it followed from that that her father was Otoosan,
she'd refer to Genma as her uncle, "Ojisan", etc, etc. I was also
considering putting in a quick note explaining all the Japanese terms -
one of the purposes of writing should be to educate in some way, too. I
don't want to go overboard, like I think they do in the DnR stories.
I'll think on this issue, and see if anyone else thinks this is a bad
idea.
But to repeat myself...wow!
Thanks Jeff. It's good to know, despite the problems you saw with the
story, you liked it.
Again, thanks ever so much for the excellent C&C.
-Richard
sterman@sprynet.com