Mr. the Rutsch[SMTP:jdrutsch@ucdavis.edu] wrote:

This is good commentary.  What I was trying to show was, with all of the 
unusual, bizarre things that happen in the Tendo home, Kasumi 
deliberately maintains an air of detachment that the other characters 
draw strength from.  Someone needs to be the anchor to normality, and 

Hmmm...the rest of the family drawing strength from Kasumi acting like a 
ditz?  I don't see how this'd be possible to explain.  

I wouldn't say she's acting like a ditz... it's clear from her thoughts that she knows EXACTLY what she's doing.

I thought this *was* the story I was writing.  Maybe I wasn't so clear 
on this, either.  How did you interperet the timeline of the story?

It was a "day in the life", but it occured over a week of so (from hair 
cut to Dr. Tofu's mom), and with enough flashbacks to seem free-form...

Huh??  It WAS a day in the life... the hair cut and Tofu's mom were flashbacks.  The story clearly started in the morning and ended in the afternoon of the same day.  All I can do is suggest you re-read it; you seem to have missed some of the time-jumps.

But more than that, it seemed more like a highlights reel of typical 
days...making things a *tiny* bit disjointed, and going a *tiny* bit against 
the day in the life type feel.  I think I'm overstating my personal 
preferences, so I won't continue...

How better to develop a character than to use typical occasions?  If extraordinary circumstances were used, Kasumi probably would be acting extraordinarily...  I say, GOOD JOB!

Again, good point.  I'll reduce the hair reference in the beginning. 
I'll work in some other early thought that will let the readers know 
where I'm headed, or maybe I'll wait until the apron.

Yeah...best to leter readers know where it's headed at the beginning.
But a central metaphor for the family would add a lot to the story, 
IMHO.  

I like the vagueness of the hair-intro... it just shows a young woman analyzing herself as she gets out of bed... doesn't everybody do that?  And it only has more meaning when the haircut flashback is revealed.

I wouldn't change a thing.
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As the colors fade away my love,
As the darkness turns to day above,
Celebrate the one you love.
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