The scene: a rented office suite in Washington, D.C. Two figures stand
next to a table filled with stacks of legal pads; one of them picks up a
pad, and pulls out a microcassette recorder. He pops it open, checks the
tape, and flips it closed as he walks into the next room.
Figure 1: Hey! You ready?
In a darkened corner of the room, a tall, thin figure stirs in his chair.
He groans, and shakes his head before standing up. His formerly elegant
clothing is now wrinkled and dirty.
Windir: What?
Figure 1: It's morning. You've had your night's sleep; it's time to do
the next episode.
Windir sits back down with a thump. He raises his hands to his eyes as if
to rub them, but looks up at the figure and lowers them with a
contemptuous snort.
Windir: It seemed to me that the rest was at least as much for *your*
benefit. <He frowns; purses his mouth as if mulling something over, then
smiles mischievously.> Wimp.
Figure 1: <Annoyed, rubbing his temples at the remembered headache.>
We'll be back in five minutes. Be ready.
We follow the figure back into the first room.
Figure 1: He'll be ready.
Figure 2: <Looking dubious> You're sure.
Figure 1: Absolutely. I *know* these net people, remember? That's why you
brought me in. <Puffs himself up> And I just want to say again that I'm
*proud* to be serving in this true and virtuous cause--
Figure 2: <Interrupting> Yes, yes, I know. <Looks as if he's not sure
bringing in the first figure was such a good idea.> I'm still not certain
*why* we're doing this. Is this really the best way to get what we need?
Figure 1: Trust me.
Figure 2: Uh-huh. <Rolls his eyes>
Figure 1: <Peering into the second room> All right, Windir, call your
friends and let's get this show on the road!
Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment Presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
======================================================================
----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
======================================================================
by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore, "Two Schmoes What Write
Fanfics."
Windir punches a phone number, then turns on the speakerphone. As the
phone rings, he pastes on a smile. With a click, the phone is answered.
Frito: Yeah?
Windir: Frito! My dear chap, how splendid to talk to you again.
Frito: WINDY!
Windir's pasted-on smile turns into something more natural.
Frito: What took ya so long!
Windir: Well, you know how it is, scheduling conflicts and so forth.
Figure 1: <Stepping in to cut Windir off> Alright, enough of the
chit-chat. Let's get started.
Figure 2 walks into the room, pulling out a pen and writing something on
a legal pad.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 6: Don't Get Mad...Get FURRYOUS!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With apologies to the creators of the characters herein.
"Sailor Slacker" and all miscellaneous accessories used with the kind
permission of Joyce "Azusa" Meadows.
Frito: Hey, dat makes her sound like a Barbie doll!
Windir: I think that was the joke, Frito. <Smiles>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Special thanks to Foxtrot for submitting to our horrific plans.
Additional Writers' Credits: John W. Biles and Rob G. Orick have
also provided valuable input and corrections.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTES FLOAT WITH THE AID OF BOATS, AND SO DO THESE QUOTES:
Windir: <Groan>
Frito: Ya hadda do it. Ya hadda use another cheesy cornball joke.
Windir: I thought "cheesy cornball jokes," as you so aptly put it, were
the point.
Frito: Yeah, but they gotta be *funny*!
The two start arguing.
Figure 2: <Breaking in> What happened to the woman that was with you
yesterday?
Frito: She couldn't come in today. Personal business, she said.
Several miles away, a slight figure clad in an iridescent green jumpsuit
and bright green eyes walks into the terminal at Dulles International
Airport. Her just-longer-than-shoulder-length blue hair is tangled and
tousled; not so much windblown as wind-tunneled.
Lyra: <Shaking cramps out of her left arm> I *hate* having to fly when I
can't afford a ticket! <She pulls an artificial forearm with a grappling
claw out of her jumpsuit, and examines it critically.>
PA: Delta flight 005 now deboarding from Kansas City. Passengers from
Flight 005 can pick up their luggage at Baggage Claim C.
Lyra: Could have been worse, I suppose...
She smiles as a large pet carrier comes rumbling up the conveyer belt.
The large, furry, reddish-brown animal inside growls and takes a swipe at
the nearest attendant. Lyra chuckles.
Lyra: Now to track down the address for that phone number...
"Ukyou?"
"Yes?"
"Am I imagining things or are those two ballistic missiles flying
over the DC skyline?"
Ukyou gulped, Gally's eyes went wide and Aaron's headache, which
he'd had since he was released, moved several steps closer to
becoming a migraine.
Windir: <Smiling insincerely> Poor fellow. I've had days like that.
Frito: You've *caused* days like that, ya jerk!
Windir: Really? I thought that was more your specialty.
Figure 2: <Whispered, looking at Figure 1> Baka.
All she wanted to do was go to the Ranmaverse. So she let
Happosai change her into Sailor Slacker, champion of leisure time.
But before he would take her there, the old letch had said that she
had to get rid of these ghosts that were hanging around the
Washington Monument.
But when she tried to take out Roy F**ker, Ryouga had shown up
>from nowhere and taken the full blast of her "Course Failing
Degradation." Now it looked like she was going to get into the
Guinness Book of World Records for shortest time spent as a superhero.
Windir: I rather like this line.
Frito: Yeah. <Soberly> Poor Joy.
"Which crazy woman in the red boots?" asked the still topless
Minmei. Serena and Slacker both clonked her one.
"I've wanted to do that for years," said Slacker.
Windir: I doubt she is the only one to so wish. For good reason.
The crowd of anime characters jumped back when Aaron sat bolt
upright, and expression on his face that could kill if looks were
lethal.
Frito: Uh-oh...
Windir: This should be "an expression." Reasonably nice, otherwise.
"Right!" he yelled. "THAT'S IT! I WANT GODDAMN ANSWERS AND I WANT
THEM NOW!" His gaze fell on Ryouga, who was looking as if he wished he
was lost right now.
Windir: That's saying something, for him.
"You!" Aaron continued to rant. "What's the big idea of blasting
me?"
"I-I wasn't!" said Ryouga, taken aback. "I was aiming for the
blonde girl in the jeans!" Aaron rounded on Sailor Slacker.
"Okay, you, what's YOUR problem?!"
"Well, I wanted to go to the Ranmaverse, and Happosai said he'd
take me there if I--"
"HAPPOSAI?!" Aaron screeched. "That little panty-snatching pervert
is here, as well?!"
"Yeah!" Minmei piped up, giggling. "He gave me money for--"
"I DON'T want to know! What did you need money for any---"
"OHHHH, GUNDAM!" cried Aphrodite-A. Aaron looked up, got the
general idea, and got angry all over again.
"WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE CUT THAT OUT! DC has enough problems with
out two forty foot mechs having sex next to the Washington Monument!
And what are they doing here, anyway? Last I heard, only ONE mech had
landed here."
"That would be the SDF-1's bridge," said F**ker, trying to
placate the strange American.
"And you!" Aaron said, recognizing the speaker. "What are you
doing here? You're supposed to be dead! You too!" he added, seeing
Nina.
Roy briefly explained how he and Lusheeta had appeared on the SDF-
1 and how some tattooed woman had granted his wish to be with Nina.
"Tattooed woman?" Aaron asked. He looked around and saw the
Charge of the Bimbo Brigade beginning to edge away from the group.
"Gally!" he said. Gally, while normally not afraid of much,
hurried to stop the girls before Aaron decided to break his own laws.
"Okay," said Aaron, taking a deep breath. "What exactly did you
do?" The Charge of the Bimbo Brigade started to cry.
Frito: This entire thing is funny. I wouldn't change a bit!
Windir: It does have a certain je ne sais quoi, n'est-ce pas? It does
slow down a bit near the end, when the author switches to third person
narration of Roy's explanation. This is the part I wish were foreshadowed
better in the teaser from last episode. As it stands, the teaser does not
even begin to convey the delightful nature of this scene.
Voice 1: You think they're acting in character?
Windir: <Smiling and chuckling> I think they're acting *very* in
charcter.
Meanwhile, Ukyou leaned over to Ryouga.
"What did you do to him?"
"I don't know," Ryouga answered. "The Shishi Houkodan never acted
like that back in Nerima,"
"But we're not in Nerima," said Ukyou, "Maybe it has a different
effect on people here than in our own world,"
This was in fact the case. The negative ki created by Sailor
Slacker that Ryouga had absorbed was blended into Ryouga's own negative
ki that powered the Shishi Houkodan. Due to the odd changes of ki
between worlds, Aaron had absorbed both blasts and was venting it in
the only way most people knew how.
Windir: I'm afraid this explanation falls a little flat.
Frito: So whatta ya want ta see 'em do instead?
Windir: Erm... I'm not sure.
Frito: <Sarcastically> And here I thought you was the one with all the
answers!
Lyra: Unlisted number. <She attaches the end of her monofilament line to
the railing, and swings over the side of the roof.> "We're sorry, but we
can't give you that address." <Kicks the Bell Atlantic logo; one of the
letters goes out.> Right. <She reaches a window, opens it, and jumps in.>
Finally getting the story out of the three crying girls, Aaron
reached into his pocket, stomped towards the phone booth, put a
quarter in the slot and dialed the Baskin-Robbins number in reverse.
He waited for the flashy pyrotechnics mentioned in episode 5
to happened again.
All he got was voice mail.
"You have reached Skuld's programming, debugging and goddess
helpline. I'm afraid I'm not in right now, and Belldandy's off with
some PERVERT down on the Earth. I STILL can't believe she did that...
She actually left the HEAVENS to join that... That little... ARGH!
Anyway, if you need divine intervention, go bug my sister... You
can reach her at DRU-TOH-1-009-1. Oh, yeah. It's a buck ninety-five
a minute. If you need help with something computer-related, leave a
message after the beep. If not, hang up. *BEEP*"
Frito: <Laughing> I ain't surprised.
Windir: What?
Frito: Read that phone number backwards!
Figure 2 looks up interestedly at that. He mutters to himself for a
moment, gets an odd look on his face, and makes a note on his legal pad.
"Ryouga! Close your eyes, or you'll BLEED to death!"
"U... Urd-san..."
Ukyou reached behind her, and in one fluid motion sent a
four-foot battle spatula crashing down on the Lost Boy's head.
"It's for your own good, hon..."
Frito: Awww, that's cute!
"I wish that this whole mess never happened," said Aaron.
Urd frowned. "Is that REALLY what you want?" Aaron nodded.
Urd took in a deep breath. "REALLY?"
"Well... Maybe not REALLY... I..."
"Oh, APHRODITE!" yelled the Gundam Unit 2's sythesised voice.
Even through cheap military-issue speakers, it reeked of ecstasy.
The steam coming out of Miller's ears seemed to clear his mind.
He grit his teeth.
Frito: Bwa-ha-hahaha!
Windir shakes his head, but with a slight grin on his face.
Windir: It should be 'gritted,' though.
"I am VERY, VERY, sure, now!" Then, turning to the robots...
"Will you two STOP THAT?!? You're in the middle of DC, for cryin'
out loud!!!"
Urd smiled. "Oh, I don't mind... It goes quite well with that...
That MONUMENT..." Her face hardened. "Is that an official wish? You
wish that 'this' had never happened?"
"Yeah."
"Can't win 'em all..." sighed the goddess. "One moment please."
Urd floated in a column of blue light for a moment, then returned to
the ground.
Windir: Poor Urd.
Frito: I thought ya didn't like her!
Windir: We have had our professional disagreements, but her heart is in
the right place. And she obviously does care about the situation.
"I'm sorry, Aaron Miller, due to orders from Floy we cannot grant
your wish."
Aaron cursed. Urd looked around at the chaotic group surrounding
them.
"However," she continued, "Certain persons and items are not
supposed to be here, so I suppose you COULD wish them away." A pause,
a lusty smile, and a few steps nearer our hero. "Or, CLOSER to you..."
Wink.
The pass was deliberately ignored.
Frito: You'se a better man den I, Gunga Din...
"Let's see..." said Aaron. He cast his eyes over the group. What
could Floy have in mind? Got it.
"I wish that the two mecha, the ballistic missiles, the SDF-1,
Captain Shroom-head over there, and this woman," he gestured at Sailor
Slacker, "Were gone."
"Hey! Don't you DARE call me 'this woman'!" said Slacker. "Whaddya
think I am? Minmei?"
Windir snickers.
"Huh?"
"Never mind, La Puta. You wouldn't understand..."
"Okay..."
"According to Floy, everything you just mentioned can go. ESPECIALLY
Gloval."
Frito: Aw! He was just havin' fun!
Windir: That kind of 'fun', Frito, can leave you in the asylum counting
your fingers and toes and giggling to yourself!
After a moment, the sound of a toilet flushing comes through the
speakerphone.
Windir: Better.
"Oh," said Urd. "Right." She cleared her throat, and smoothed her
dress. "Don't worry about the bill. Floy has given you unlimited credit.
What do you want removed first?"
"Let's get rid of the missiles. We don't need 'Aftermath' coming to
life."
"Approved..." There was a flash of light, and the two missiles
turned into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias, which crashed
precipitously to the ground. In later years, it would be the subject of
much learned discussion among mathematicians, scientists, statisticians
and naturalists as to why they should have landed exactly on top of the
Natural History museum. For now, all that mattered was that Washington
had been saved from nuclear annihilation.
Windir groans. The first figure groans. The second figure looks puzzled
for a moment, then makes another note on his legal pad.
"I'm going to ENJOY this one... Urd, get rid of the MECHS!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them!"
"Which one FIRST?"
"What???"
"It isn't MY idea; Floy told us YOU had to call ALL the shots. We
aren't authorised to make ANY decisions on our own."
"Oh. Well... The Aphrodite-A, then."
Windir: This sounds a bit contrived. I assume the author did this to
facilitate Chris Williams's dramatic entrance, to dispose of the
Aphrodite-A without losing the opportunity of Williams' dramatic 'saving'
of the Gundam. Nevertheless, I would appreciate it if the author would
find another way to do it.
"Which mech next?"
Aaron blinked.
"There's only one left..."
"Floy's orders, remember?"
Miller sighed.
"Ok, ok... The Gundam Unit 2."
"Your wish has been ap..."
"Oh, no you DON'T!" A voice from behind him.
<Great. Who is it THIS time?> thought Aaron. <With MY luck,
someone's zapped the AD Police here from BGC...>
Windir: As I said...
He turned around, and stopped.
<Damn; it IS the AD Police.>
In front of him was Gina, straight out of her appearance in 'The
Phantom Lady'. Shoulder-length black hair, red Rambo-style bandanna,
trim build and hardsuit, PLUS a very BIG, very MEAN-LOOKING anime-style
blaster, which was moving from targetting Miller, to Purpleton, to Urd,
the Bimbos, and then back to Aaron.
"The Gundam STAYS!" she said. In baritone.
[snip]
"The newcomer isn't an anime character," said Urd. "And..." She
smiled. "It's DEFINITELY a 'he'."
The armoured figure blushed, and began to stammer.
Frito: WIMP! What a babe!
Windir: Perhaps, Frito, but do remember that you have special tolerances.
The average male -- particularly the average anime-watching male -- would
undoubtedly react in a similar fashion.
Figure 2 nods, then pauses thoughtfully and mutters something about
wishing the girl were still here.
"It says..." He paused. Then blinked. Then looked up. "ANIME
LIBERATION FRONT???"
"That's me," grinned the newcomer. "Chris Williams, of the Anime
Liberation Front."
Frito: Uh-oh. Where are da black choppers?
"Haven't had the pleasure," said Chris, before turning to Joy. "Who
ARE you?"
"Sailor Slacker." Williams arched an eyebrow. "Er... Joy A.
Plains."
"YOU'RE Joy? So GREAT to finally meet you! Here for the con?"
Windir: Friendship is a wonderful thing, ne? I've seen this happen many a
time before.
"Well... Actually... I came here on a field trip with my comp.
myth. class, but I was hoping that..."
"Guys?" asked Aaron. "There's STILL a very BIG gun pointed at my
head, the Gundam is STILL here, and we STILL haven't settled exactly HOW
some Joe Schmoe ended up with Lodoss armour and a BGC blaster..."
Frito: Lodoss armour?
Windir: I had wondered about that. I am not familiar with Lodoss myself,
but I understand it is a sword-and-sorcery universe; I'm a bit surprised
to see that kind of armor mistaken for a hardsuit, as noted above.
"He writes dark 'fics, and posts them to this ML I'm on...."
explained Joy. "VERY dark 'fics."
"Hai," said Chris. "I convinced the chars that _I_ was behind all
these goings-on, and that if they didn't do as I said, I'd write a fanfic
featuring THEM, and bring it to life."
Joy laughed. "I guess they forked the stuff over pretty quickly..."
Frito: He he he...
Windir: I shall refrain from comment.
"Your wishes have been approved." Twin streams of blue energy shot
out of Urd's hands, one going to Aaron's head, and the other to the
late Devil Hunter. After a lot of glowing, theme-song-playing and
ionisation of air, a healed Yohko stood upright, and Aaron, having calmed
down, collapsed on the grass.
Frito: Do we see Yohko again?.
Windir: This does point up one of the potential problems I see with this
series. With the sheer number of characters that are beginning to run
around, it will become (indeed, has already become) difficult to do
justice to them. This is not a problem with characters brought in for
brief cameos, or characters given a proper exit; but it becomes
disappointing when characters are more-or-less left hanging. For example,
Ranma and Akane have been more-or-less wandering around the city for the
last couple of episodes; Rick and Lisa have been missing for a while as
well.
"He could've just taken a TYLENOL," muttered Williams.
Frito: He he he... and just what did *you* have planned for dat wish,
otaku-boy?!?
With a *CRASH*, the office suite's front window shatters. The two figures
jump up and swivel to face the door; but before they can move further, a
slight, blue-haired figure appears in the doorway.
Lyra: Hold it right there!
Frito: LYRA! Ya made it!
Windir facefaults, and his head snaps around to look at the speakerphone.
Windir: You *knew* she was coming?
Figure 2: <Frowning at the speakerphone> You did a good job of hiding it.
Windir: <To himself> Amazing. He actually kept a secret.
Figure 1: I don't think you're gonna be doing anything, little lady!
<Pulls out a copy of F^3 and shows it to her, then holds it ready to
flash at Windir.>
Lyra: You'll kill him through blood loss!
Figure 1: <Gloating> That's right. So just settle down, or your friend
gets it.
Lyra: WHAT! <Begins to do the blue aura thing> Why, you little bastard,
I'm going to --
The second figure looks back and forth between the two, and shakes his
head.
Figure 2: Excuse me?
The two stop trying to out-stare each other, and turn to look at the
second figure.
Figure 2: Perhaps if we were to introduce ourselves? I am Agent Hiroshi,
from the Tokyo branch of the Department of Applied Actuality. My
compatriot --
Figure 1: Lieutenant Duggan, of the Reality Police!
Windir spins around to face Duggan.
Windir: I *thought* you seemed familiar!
Frito: Yeah, he was almost as big a blowhard as *you*, Windy!
Windir: <Frowning> But what are you doing here?
Hiroshi: I... requested his assistance. <He shakes his head ruefully> I
was sent here by the Department, to conduct an evaluation of some of
these so-called 'fanfics.'
Duggan: <Pulls himself up, and puffs his chest out> The Reality Police
are sworn to defend the truth and integrity of *all* fictional universes,
*especially* as they appear on the net! Those who meddle with the true
nature shall be punished!
Hiroshi: <Grimaces> Quite.
Lyra: But why...
Hiroshi: As you undoubtedly know, any foreign law-enforcement officer
coming to the U.S. always acquires a 'native guide' within the first half
of the story. I ended up with Lt. Duggan, as we are in something of the
same line of work. <Shakes his head again.> It was at his suggestion that
we asked your friend to assist us with our work.
Duggan: Alright, enough talking -- we've got a review to finish.
Hiroshi: <Sigh> Unfortunately, the convention also specifies that the
'native guide' will be brash and impolite.
Duggan: Just get on with it!
Windir: <Eying Duggan and his hidden tape uncertainly> Oh, very well.
"Hold it right there!" yelled a gruff voice. "You, with the gun and
the bandanna!"
"Uh-oh," said Aaron. "The Police have arrived..."
"I'll take care of them!" said Sailor Slacker.
Chris blinked.
"Uh... Joy? If you're going to try THAT, we'd be better off
with Minmei or Usagi..."
Lyra: Hentai!
"Oh." Miller frowned. "This looks bad..."
"No sweat, really!" said Joy.
"Being around these airheads," said Williams, gesturing to the
bimbo brigade, "must've gotten to your HEAD! It's the WHOLE of the DC
POLICE! LOOK AT THE CARS! THERE MUST BE TWO DOZEN!"
"Four dozen, actually," said a nearby policeman.
"See???"
Slacker just smiled, and pulled out her transformation wand.
Chris's eyes widened.
"Oh?" said Aaron. "You didn't KNOW? When she said she was Sailor
Slacker, she wasn't kidding..."
Frito: He he he...
Lyra: Oh, dear.
"WHAT? How did this HAPPEN?!?"
"It's a long story about a short pervert."
<I DON'T want to know...>
Windir: Intelligent of him..
Joy brushed herself off, straightened her hair, and cleared her
throat.
Then, she began to pose. While twitching her body in unbelievably
complicated spastic contractions, she intoned:
"I am Sailor Slacker, Champion of Leisure Time! And YOU," she
pointed at the police, "would force us to do work."
"Work?" asked a puzzled cop.
"You think it's FUN to fill out all the paperwork for bail? But
you won't get away with it! In the name of the Net, I will IGNORE YOU!"
"Huh?"
The anti-senshi waved her wand in a 'Z'-pattern.
"BACK-ROW.... SLEEP... ACTIVATE!!!"
Frito: Hey! Do ya think it would work in a theatre?
Windir: <Frowning> I would suggest that you *not* try it, Frito.
"Gotcha." Chris surveyed the crowd. "Hmm... First things first.
We've gotta find out what's causing all this, and get it under control."
Miller beamed. "Under CONTROL, I said. Not STOPPED. I just don't want
whoever-it-is beaming in the Lodoss dragons, or something."
"Neither do I, but even the mechs were..." Chris twirled his
blaster around. Aaron gulped. "Got it."
Windir: I had a minor problem with this. For someone who has had a
more-or-less 'take charge attitude,' as it were, Aaron seems to give in
rather easily.
Frito: So you're gonna argue in front of a blaster that could eat your
hand?
Windir sits in thought for a moment.
Lyra: Windir?!?
Frito: I shoudda guessed.
"We'll find her later. With all the OTHER characters running around,
someone who's out to decapitate thieves is the LEAST of our problems...
Right now, let's just finish our head count."
There was a collective groan.
"No pun intended," Chris said nervously. <Have to remember,> he
reminded himself, <do NOT pun in front of people who have access to
malletspace... I was lucky THIS time, but in the future...> Williams
cleared his throat, and continued.
Lyra: Hmmm... he seems a bit nervous for someone who was playing hardball
with a blaster just a few lines ago.
"Ranma and Akane are also around," said Aaron, "and Rick Hunter
and Lisa Hayes ran off some time ago... Then there's also Gally, and..."
"I KNOW that," said Chris. "You haven't been to the con yet,
have you?"
Miller shook his head.
"There's TONS of anime characters running around. Don't bother
trying to name them all. I just want to know who's HERE, so that we
can form GROUPS, and find out WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!"
Windir: This is slightly better, but still a rather cavalier dismissal of
those no longer present.
"Yohko, Sheeta and Minmei - you three can..." Williams frowned.
<What CAN they do?> "You three... Uh..."
"You three go off and look for Rick and Lisa," volunteered Aaron.
<Good...> thought Chris. <No way they can mess THAT up...>
Frito: He don't know them very well, do he?
Meanwhile, at a cheap hotel just a few blocks from the convention
building, an eighteen-year old girl and a gopher were busy playing
cards.
"I REALLY wish you'd told me you were a REAL gopher," said the
brown-eyed, black-haired girl.
The animal help up a sign: {I DID! I DID!}
Windir groans. Lyra shakes her head.
"Well, YES, but when people write things like that on the ML,
I don't usually BELIEVE it... At least I found SOMEONE to play
poker with, since they won't allow pets into the con building..."
She sighed. "Figures. For the second time in a row, I'm in a hotel
just BLOCKS away from all the action, and for the second time in
a row, I've blown all my cash on anime videos and can't buy a TICKET!
Just my rotten luck... And Viles, Orock and Williams were going to be
there, too..."
{FULL HOUSE.}
"Straight flush."
{!!!}
"You know what they say... Lucky at cards, unlucky at cons..."
She winked. "And you KNOW how good I am at poker games..."
Lyra: No, actually, I don't.
Windir: Hmmm. Yes, you weren't around for that, were you? Trust me. It's
better this way.
After smacking the gopher on the head soundly, Patricia opened the
window with a sigh. Nothing came in but the cold evening breeze.
"Must've been imagining things..."
"PRETTY LADY! PRETTY LADY!"
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
{DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PERVERT ON YOUR BOSOM?}
Lyra: <Chuckles> Poor Patricia...
Frito: <Disgustedly> Yeah, like AlberCrumb wouldna tried that earlier!
Windir: Not *everyone* is as... exuberant... at acting out their thoughts
as you, Frito.
"I'm SERIOUS! Note the height, and here's my bag... I can show you
the panties, if you like!" He pulled some polka-dotted, flimsy pieces
of cloth from his sack, and held them out in front of Collier.
"Hey, those are MINE!"
"You want them back?"
{I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.}
Lyra: I don't blame you. <Looks decidedly ill>
Windir: It is rather in character, though.
Hiroshi makes another note on his pad.
"Ok. I get the point. So I'm not exactly a silent warrior nun, but
I *STILL* won't go for it. Sorry if I don't trust you... But I don't usually
make a habit of listening to dirty old animated men's advice. I KNOW what
happened to Hinako after you gave her 'special abilities'..."
"Did you notice what she changes INTO, though?"
The woman's eyes widened. <He DOES have a point... In adult form,
she...>
"Even if you DON'T trust me, what do you think anything *I* give
a girl will do to them?"
Patricia smiled as she thought of the implications of that, and
snatched the wand.
Frito: <Sounding wounded> Hey, Foxtrot! Is dat really you?
Windir: Her motivation does sound a bit out of character, not to mention
a bit forced. Hmmm... <Looks over at Lyra, with a raised eyebrow.>
Lyra: I... don't think I'll comment. <Grins wryly>
In synch with the theme music that had started to play, Patricia's
skin cleared, her limbs stretched, and her hair lightened to a perfect
auburn. New curves formed and old ones were enhanced, features matured,
and, a whole new outfit rematerialised upon her. Taking the place of the
T-shirt and jeans came a jet-black bodysuit, topped by combat fatigues.
As a final touch, her ears stretched out and grew soft fur, her fingernails
extended, and a perfectly-formed, bushy tail grew out from where... Out
>from where tails USUALLY grow out from. The music stopped. The energy
flows ceased, and the transformed woman opened her eyes. Her GREEN eyes.
Frito: COOL!
Windir: Indeed, it does match her character.
Lyra: Her character? I *hate* coming in on the middle of these things!
Windir: ...which is, again, why I would wonder a little about the
author's decision to bring in personalities from the ML. Those of us who
have been around long enough to know them can be delighted or amused at
their appearances, but if the authors are trying for an audience beyond
the ML...
Frito: Yeah, but dat's *if* they're tryin' for a wider audience... and
even if they are, they've done a pretty decent job of introducin' 'em to
us.
"It IS! It's FOXTROT!" Foxtrot, a.k.a. Sailor Spam, squealed with
delight. "Oh, I LOVE you! I don't CARE if you're the most despicable
character in all of mangadom, I STILL want to hug you!"
The lecher was still in shock from the no-holds-barred
transformation... Not that he would have RESISTED, in any case.
Frito: EEEEK! Foxtrot, you don't know where he's been!
Windir: No, Frito, I fear we all know *exactly* where he's been.
Lyra: Uh-huh. Maybe he's got her under hypnotic compulsion, or something.
Just as Sailor Spam grabbed Happosai and held him to her chest,
she was startled by a knock at the door. Before she could react, it
collapsed inwards, and a tall, brown-haired, pony-tailed boy in a
Ranma 1/2 shirt fell into the room.
"Help me!" he yelled. "My .sigs have come to LIFE, and they're
AFTER MY HEAD!"
Foxtrot and Happi stared at him. He stared at the two of them.
In particular, he noticed the fact that one of them was securely attached
to the chest of the other.
"Uh..." he stammered. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"Come on, Virgo!" cried a voice from the hall. "I saw him head
THIS way!"
Frito: BWA-HA-HA-HAHAHAHA!
Windir snickers, tries to hold it in, and ends up falling out of his
chair laughing. Hiroshi and Duggan stare at him.
Lyra looks at him puzzledly... until, with a quiet BAMF!, a small bag
pops out of the story and lands at her feet.
Lyra: <Picking it up> Hmmm. "Property of Kun-chan?" <She opens it, to
reveal about a tablespoon's worth of powder, then closes it again with a
shrug.>
"All the better for us, though... Nothing to interrupt us
while we have a look-see... First, we should..." He was interrupted
by a loud THUMP coming from a few stalls away.
"What was THAT?" asked Slacker nervously.
"Let's find out," said Aaron. "Chris; you have the blaster. Cover
me, just in case it's someone dangerous."
"Gotcha."
Windir: This seems a bit more in character for Aaron.
"Hey, don't leave us ALONE!" whined Serena. "I'm SCARED! It's so
empty, and I..."
Frito: Speakin' of in character... <Snickers>
"Oh, be quiet!" said Plains. "Do you guys mind if we tag along?"
"It's only a few metres away, for Pete's sake!"
"Well, do you?"
"No... I guess not..."
"Good."
The group turned around the corner cautiously, not knowing what
to expect... Would they see zombies? Vampires? Negaverse youmas?
*GASP!* went Serena.
"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Sailor Slacker tore at her hair.
"The HORROR!" yelled Williams.
"What is THAT?" Miller asked, trembling and biting his fingernails.
Windir: An excellent spoof of anime conventions. And other conventions as
well. <Smiles>
Hiroshi: <Muttering to himself> Spoofs we can deal with. <Makes another
note.>
In front of them was a pile of stuffies. A LARGE pile of stuffies.
And they weren't just ANY stuffies. These wore blue jeans and red T-shirts,
labeled 'University of Maryland Security'. From behind large gold-framed
glasses, hazel button-eyes glinted evilly, and the goofy grin on the
dolls' faces was perfectly matched by their arms' 'Come to Mama!' pose.
"Please tell me those aren't..." Slacker was afraid to finish the
sentence.
"They are," said Williams, sweat dripping down his forehead. "They're
Jimbo Viles plushies."
Frito: AIEEEEEEEE!
Lyra: Is he really that bad?
Windir: Dear me, no. He was actually a quite pleasant young man when we
met him.
"But who could be so SADISTIC as to release these upon an unsuspecting
world?" asked Aaron.
Lyra: I thought he wasn't familiar with the online fanfic world? How
would he know?
Windir: The context would suggest that the dolls are sufficiently
horrifying on their own.
"The Fanfic panel members. Who else?"
"But that sound... Don't tell me these dolls can move on their OWN..."
said Miller. <If they can, I'm OUT OF HERE.>
Windir: As I said...
"I hope not, but..." There was another thump. One of the dolls had
slipped of the pile and fallen to the floor. "There must be something UNDER
them! Quickly, everyone! Tear the pile apart!"
"We have to TOUCH them?"
"They're ICKY!" complained Serena.
"Don't you want to know what's under there?"
"Not THAT badly," said Joy.
Frito: Hey, I touch worse stuff than that all da time!
Windir: Undoubtedly.
The two boys started digging through the plushies, tossing each one
safely out of visual range. They had only been at it for a few seconds,
when it became painfully obvious what the grotesque mound had been
concealing.
"Serena," said Chris. "You might want to see this..."
"What is it?" Sailor Moon walked over and peered over Aaron's
shoulder. "It's Jupiter, and Venus! But... But... Their HEADS ARE GONE!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Duggan grimaces and looks aside. His eye falls on the small bag, which
Lyra is still holding.
Duggan: Hey, what's that?
Lyra: Er... nothing, I think.
Duggan: I want to see it.
Lyra: <Getting angry> I told you, it's nothing!
Duggan: Give it to me! <He walks up and grabs her arm.>
Lyra: Why, you bastard!
She slaps him with her left hand... with the force of her prosthetic
forearm behind it. Duggan flies several feet, and something falls out of
his jacket. She glares at him, and tugs the bag open.
Lyra: Here! Take it! <Throws the bag at Duggan>
Duggan sees the bag coming at him, and reflexively bats it away... right
at Windir. The powder puffs into Windir's face.
Windir: WAAA-CHOOO!
Lyra: Uh-oh...
Hiroshi: Well, whatever was in that bag, he's got a full dose of it now.
Windir sways dizzily for a moment. Then he sees the F^3 video that fell
out of Duggan's trenchcoat.
Lyra: Windir! DON'T LOOK!
Windir stares at the tape for a moment... then leers, and picks it up.
Lyra: <Uncertainly> Windir?
Frito: What happened?!
Windir: <Snickers, then looks up and sees Lyra> Ah, pretty lady! Come
here, and soothe my passion!
Lyra: <Horrified> Windir!
Windir jumps at Lyra; she breaks the attempted glomp and slaps him.
Lyra: Hentai!
Windir stirs groggily for a moment... then gets up again and starts
moving towards Lyra. She backs away slowly, then turns around and runs
out of the office. He gives chase.
Frito: <Shouting> Hey! WHAT HAPPENED!
Hiroshi: Well, it seems my compatriot tried to take a bag of something
from your lady friend, and in the fight, it hit your other friend. <He
steps over Duggan, who has fallen completely unconscious, and picks up
the bag.> It says, "Property of Kun-chan"?
Frito: Passion spice. <Starts chuckling wryly> Well, if it hadda happen
to anyone...
Hiroshi: Yes, I think I see. <Looks thoughtfully at the F^3 video> He
chased her out of the office...
A high-pitched scream is heard outside.
Hirosi: ...and apparently out of the building as well.
Frito laughs.
Hiroshi: How long do you think it will last?
Frito: Aw... probably 'till they get back here! <Cackles>
Hiroshi shakes his head, grinning slightly...
The lights come up in the theatre, to show three figures. Two of them are
somewhat travel-worn, and the third is reveling in an atmosphere of
terminal grease.
Lyra: <Looking suspiciously at Windir> You're *sure* that stuff's worn
off, now.
Windir: <Thoroughly embarrassed> Yes... yes, dear lady, I can assure you
that all traces of that... <Shudder> *stuff* have left my system.
Frito: Aww! Too bad!
Windir and Lyra: Boot to the Head! <Synchronized THUD!>
Frito: OW!
Lyra: <Relaxing a little> It was a rather entertaining little adventure,
wasn't it?
Windir: Entertaining? <Raised eyebrow>
Frito: Well, dey picked a good story, ya gotta admit!
Lyra: You know, I do hate to leave things unfinished...
Windir: And you are suggesting?
Lyra: Well, we *could* finish the review.
Windir: <Looking like he wants to be convinced> Perhaps, though we *are*
busy...
Frito: Aw, come on, Wind-bag! It's too good ta leave right there!
Windir: Well, I suppose we could. <Smiles> Now, where were we...
"Doesn't she use a bowie knife?" he asked. "These cuts are CLEAN,
almost as if..." A pause. He looked up at the still-wailing Serena, then
frowned. <Her tiara... But... Oh, deity...> "Miller, we're in trouble. Let's
get out of here. NOW."
Frito: Uh-oh...
"Why? What's wrong? I've dealt with Gally before; she's on OUR side!"
"It wasn't Gally."
"Then what happened to them?"
"I'll tell you!" said a familiar voice. "Those FAKERS finally became
REAL 'senshi'... As in, 'death in battle'."
Lyra: It's not Serina... but would even Usagi know enough to make that
statement?
Windir: Perhaps she's smarter than you give her credit for.
Lyra: Really. <Looks at him with raised eyebrow.>
"Serena, I didn't know you were a ventriloquist... And it ISN'T
FUNNY!" Sailor Moon had stopped crying, and was simply staring behind
Aaron and Chris, along with Slacker.
"She... ISN'T a ventriloquist..." mumbled Slacker.
"Then..."
"AND MY NAME IS *USAGI*!!!!!!"
"_That's_ what I was trying to tell you, Aaron. It seems the subs
have met the dubs..."
"Uh-oh... Chris... Will I regret it if I turn around?"
"Very likely."
"Thanks." Aaron closed his eyes.
Windir: This sequence is really written quite well. A classic bit, but
executed very well.
"Well, someone should do SOMETHING, before they KILL each other!"
said Aaron.
"You're saying that would be BAD?" Chris arched an eyebrow.
"Well... No... Not BAD, per se... BUT IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!"
Windir: Indeed.
Lyra: But which part?
Frito: Aww, they're cute!
"I'll just take them BOTH out," said Williams, and raised his blaster.
Before he could aim, one of the Moons rammed her elbow into the
other's stomach, knocking her wand into a neat parabolic airborne
trajectory.
"Grab it!" she yelled.
"Got it!" A new voice. Male, and from the sounds of it, and even
those two words made it painfully clear that he didn't have a very talented
voice actor.
Windir: This part, at least, is accurate.
<Fantastic. ANOTHER one to deal with. If Urd hadn't made me immune
to headaches, I'd probably be unconscious right now...>
Lyra: Ah, so *that's* why he did it!
Frito: Hey, didn't ya miss that part?
Lyra: I read up.
Frito: Oh.
"The dolls!" screamed Serena. "They've come to LIFE! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
The DIC-dubbed Sailor Moon fainted.
Lyra: Shouldn't that be AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE?
Frito: She's a dub! What did ya expect?
"Jimbo Viles, I presume?" asked Chris.
"The same," nodded Viles.
"Aren't you going to introduce me?" said a female voice, coming from
where Jimbo had just arrived.
"Oh! Sorry! Williams, Plains... And..."
"I'm Aaron Miller."
"Miller. Got it. Meet my new fiancee, Mizuno Ami."
Sailor Mercury's black hair looked blue in the fluorescent light.
She smiled as she stepped out, and latched onto her iinazuke's arm.
Frito: Hey, he actually found her! Congrats!
"The son of a gun actually DID it," said Slacker. "Has she seen
the TAPE yet?"
"Tape? What tape is she talking about, dear?"
Jimbo began to sweat. Copiously.
Frito: He he he...
Windir: Yes, an apt (and humorous) reference.
Frito: Poor Jimbo!
Lyra: <Looking confused> What?
"I want to get to the bottom of this just as much as YOU do," said
Viles. "Not get RID of it, mind you," he smiled at Ami. "But make sure
that continuity and characterisation are kept in order. There's been an
awful lot of gaffes in that area lately..."
"That's only to be expected when you bring fictional characters into
the real world." Aaron smirked. "Can't keep spatulating people when you'll
get
arrested for it."
Windir: Indeed.
Hiroshi: Yes, that does explain it rather well, ne?
All: Where did you come from?!?
Hiroshi: I thought it would be best to follow up on this, given the...
ah, circumstances, under which we parted.
Lyra: <Suspiciously> Where's Duggan?
Hiroshi: I left him unconscious on the office floor. <Smiles> The
convention says I have to *acquire* a native guide; it doesn't say I have
to keep him!
Frito: Uh-huh. Right.
Hiroshi: In any event, I wanted to thank you for your assistance. I was
able to collect the information I needed.
Windir: And?
Hiroshi: I don't think the authors have anything to worry about at the
moment. They've done tolerably well in keeping things in character --
and, as I just said, putting characters in the 'real world' will change
their behavior in some ways.
Lyra: Not everyone's! <Chuckles> Remember Minmei...
Hiroshi: Er, yes.
Frito: We was just finishin' up the review; want ta join us?
Hiroshi: Why not?
"Anyway, what can WE do about it?" asked Chris.
"Not much, right NOW... But THAT'S what I have to talk to you about."
"Huh?"
"I see that Joy has ALREADY found one of the anti-wands."
"Anti-wands?"
"The dubbed ones. They're mirror images of the genuine wands. CURSED
mirror images. That's why the DIC versions of SM are so awful."
Windir: That *does* explain a lot...
"And then, the dubbed sailors..."
"Are evil."
"And Serena??? She seemed so... Sweet..."
"She's the WORST!" shouted Usagi.
"No, she isn't," said Viles. "She's too innocent to have ANY
alignment. Sanctas simplicitas. For the North American release, they
cut her IQ in half."
Hiroshi: Yes, I had noticed that. We were considering some action. For
that matter, we still might, since S.O.S. appears to have succeeded...
Windir: Er...
Frito: I don't wanna know.
"This," he said, holding it aloft, "is now a PURE, unfocused,
transformation wand."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," he said, "that it'll work for ANYONE who even SLIGHTLY
mirrors the original holder's persona."
"Serena was a bimbo, not too bright, not very studious, and... You're
saying that..."
Frito: Yipe!
Jimbo smiled, and held the wand up.
"MASTER-OF-THE-ARTS COSMIC POWER!"
Rainclouds swooped in from nowhere, pouring sheets of water all over
Viles. Gusts of wind picked him up and spun him around in the air and
lightning bolts struck at him, all while Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries
played in the background. In a few seconds, he began to CHANGE. He
shrunk somewhat, the loss in stature going towards increases in the
chest and elsewhere, his features softened, skin smoothed, and body and
facial hair dissipated into nothingness. That on his head (HER head?)
grew to waist-length and turned bright red. The red UMS shirt and blue
slacks fused together, then morphed into a red sailor fuku with blue
trim, graced with a large blue bow. A belt buckle flew off, grew, split
into two and attached itself to the long crimson hair, dividing it into
two huge ponytails topped by jeweled 'meatballs'. Finally, what had
been normal tube-socks grew into white knee-length boots with blue trim,
matching gloves materialised upon perfectly- manicured hands, and a
golden tiara, complete with a red jewel at its center, formed across the
forehead of the newest senshi.
The music stopped, the clouds dissipated, and a dripping wet woman
struck a pose.
Frito: WOAH! BABE ALERT! BABE ALERT!
"Say hello to Sailor Critic!" she cried. She looked down at herself.
"Now I see why Tuxedo Kamen doesn't use one of these..."
Lyra: <Smiling slyly> Frito, just remember who she was *before* she
changed...
Frito thinks for a second...
Frito: EWWW! I think I'm gonna vomit...
"I *do* hope this isn't permanent..." muttered Mercury.
Frito: You said it, sister!
<I *do* hope this is permanent>, thought Aaron. Chris handed him
a tissue to clean up the dribble that was falling down his chin.
Windir: Is this really the way he'd react? He hasn't really shown signs
of being a hentai before. <Looks at Lyra> And, as you said, think of what
she was before...
"And now," said Sailor Critic, holding out two OTHER transformation
wands, "About that offer of mine..."
Frito: <Backing away> Uh-uh, no way, ya ain't gettin' me ta use one of
*those* things!
===================================================================
Aaron: Well, this is just lovely. Now, not only do I have to worry
about a mess of rabid anime characters wandering around DC
destroying everything in sight, I've got a mess of slightly deranged,
heavily armed and/or super-powered otakus to deal with.
And on top of that, it seems as if the subbed universes and the
dubbed universes are colliding in the real world.
(Cut to a shot of two Happosais staring at each other)
Windir: Oh, dear.
Lyra: This ought to be fun!
Aaron: And you don't even want to know what's happening in the
streets...
(Cut to sign that says: "This Scene Was Cut For Your Own Good,
Communications Act of 1996")
Windir: Thank goodness.
Frito: Awww!
Aaron: Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":
"Senshi Muyo! - No need for Senshi!"
[Editor's note: Eeep!]
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
..Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.