Yes, you read right. Here's ep. 2 of Schlock Treatment. Once 
again this was already written and further eps. probably won't be out 
for a while.

Calculator: Like next fall.

    Quiet, you! If you joined the ML after ST 1 was put out, I'd 
suggest either visiting AlberCrombie's FFML archives web page or 
putting out a general call for help as my copy of ep. 1 was 
accidentally deleted from my records. Sorry. *^_^*
As you recall, at the end of ep. 1, Ranma and Akane were just sent to 
"Nerimavale..."

----
    (Cut to Nerimavale opening and then the office of Drs. Tatewaki 
and Kodachi Kuno. Both are dressed in green medical outfits. Kuno is 
wearing some truly ridiculous cokebottle glasses that enlarge his 
eyes to huge proportion.)

Male Announcer: Nerimavale! "The Setup." Featuring Ranma Saotome and 
Akane Tendo.

Kuno: Ah, Mr. Saotome and Miss Tendo, how nice to see you. I'm Dr. 
Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Nerimavale. And this is my sister 
and fellow pstchopa--er--Realitologist, Dr. Kodachi Kuno.

Kodachi: We understand you've been having some trouble.

Ranma: (trying to break the handcuffs) Yeah! Lemme outta these things 
and I'll show you trouble like you wouldn't--

(Mikado pours water on him. Instant girl.)

Ranma-chan: AAAGGGGHHHHH! Not again!

(Mikado, in a stroke of luck, KO's her.)

Akane: Ranma!

Kuno: (Shining a penlight into Ranma's eyes.) Does he do this often?

Akane: Yes, everytime he's doused with cold water.

Kuno: Well, it's probably too late, but we'll see what we can do.

(Enter Azusa, in a nurse's outfit)

Kuno: Ah, Nurse Azusa, you've arrived.

Azusa: Loretta! (glomps onto wheelchair. Kuno and Kodachi roll their 
eyes while Mikado tries to pull her off.)

Mikado: Leggo, you stupid...

(Kuno pulls a contract out of a file and passes it over.)

Kuno: There are one or two formalities, Miss Tendo. A contract to be--

Azusa: LORETTA!! (Kodachi grabs her with her ribbon and tosses Azusa 
outr the doors to the office.)

Kuno: --signed. (Mikado begins to roll Ranma out of the office.)

Akane: I don't know. Could I do this later?

Kodachi: Of course you can. (Kuno glares at her. Cut to outside the 
office.)

Mikado: If I were you, I'd sign the contract...later.

(Cut back to the interior of the office where Kuno, in his rush to 
catch up to Akane, slams face first into the door. Cut to hallway)

Kuno: Miss Tendo! Just one or two details! Does anyone in Ranma's 
family have the same illness? A close family member perhaps?

Akane: I think his father does. Could we hold off on this please?

Kodachi: Of course. (Mikado and Akane round a corneer. Kodachi socks 
Kuno.)

Akane: Why shouldn't I sign now?

Mikado: I've seen the original movie. Don't sign.

(They enter a room with a sign over the door reading "Terminally 
Unrealistic Ward." Cut to the control booth where Renaldo is watching 
the rest of "Dating Disaster." Then back to the studio where Mousse, 
Soun and Kasumi are at the set.)

Male Announcer: Heeere's Mousse, of the eternally blind tryst, with 
yet another "Schlock Treatment Plot Twist!"

Mousse: As the eldest members of Akane's family, this should be 
pretty easy.

Kasumi: Yes, but about Ranma?

Mousse: Your last clue is...The Jusenkyo Springs. You have thirty 
seconds.

Soun: The Jusenkyo Springs?

Kasumi: Where Ranma and his father were cursed, remember?

Soun: I KNEW THAT!

Kasumi: I'm sure you did, Father. I mean, you've only told us about 
it since we were six, about the drowned people and animals and such...

Mousse: Which is a dead giveaway to?

Male Announcer: This fanfic's second plot twist, Mousse. A lifetime 
contract to appear on the second rate series "Delirious Dojo," with 
unlimited use of a new training hall.

Kasumi: Nyannichuan?

Mousse: Absolutely correct!

Kasumi: Oh, how wonderful. (Author's note: Whaddya want? This is 
_Kasumi_!)

Soun: (Bawls in joy)

Mousse: Congrats and it's "Delirious Dojo" for Soun and Kasumi Tendo 
of Nerima, where they'll spend the rest of their natural lives!

(Soun is last seen being pulled off screen, still bawling, by 
Gosunkugi. Cut to Renaldo's office, where he's pointing at the 
screen.)

Renaldo: Gotcha!

(Cut to the Nerimavale office. Mousse and Kodachi are watching an 
instant replay of Dating Disaster. Kuno is doing some filing.)

Mousse: YES! She got it! How wonderful! Nyannichuan!

Kodachi: How unrealistic. Reality's our forte.

Mousse: And it's your speciality too!

(Kuno and Kodachi look at him.)

Kuno: I can't wait to get started on him. Really, Mousse, I hate to 
think what we'd have done without you.

Mousse: Well, I'd better come clean. It wasn't my idea to luck Ranma 
up here.

Kuno: Of course not! Akane Tendo would have to be out of HER mind not 
to put Saotome in here. But if she was so eager to foist him off on 
us, why wouldn't she sign the contract?

Mousse: No, it wasn't Akane. It was your new boss.

Kuno: Boss?

Mousse: Nerimavale's been bought out.

Kuno: Bought out?

Kodachi: Dear Mousse set it up.

Mousse: Ja! Er--I mean--Yeah. You endorse his Reality Rampage and he 
gives you a bunch of hapless extras to play with!

Kuno: HE?! (He knocks over the filing cabinet, which knocks over 
another one, which knocks over another one...) How dare this new 
character attempt to control us!

Kodachi: I don't think it's us he's going to control.

(Mousse and Kodachi bust out laughing. Kuno stands there, doing the 
Blue Aura Thing. Switch to the Terminally Unrealistic Ward. Mikado 
has just left. Akane is singing to Ranma (now male and still out
like a light.)  while walking around the cage he's been rolled into. 
Renaldo is watching from the control booth.)

<song: "In Some Way">

Akane: (Sings) If only you knew how to speak politely
               If only you weren't so damn rude.
               If you could talk nice
               And stop your fighting
               Then you'd see I still like you in some way.
               
               If that is too hard, then I am so sorry I know you
               It's almost impossible to show
               That I care about you
               But you can't seem to see it, cause something
               Keeps on going wrong
               
               So don't tell me some story
               You and I both know what you mean
               No, don't try to lie, Ranma
               You never could lie, Ranma
               'Cause under it all, you're not mean.
               
               I hope that the stay
               In here will help you realize it
               I hope that we can communicate
               
               But if you bothered to look, You just might find out
               That deep down I still like you
               That deep down I still like you
               That deep down I still like you
               In some way
               In some way
               In some way
               In some way.
               
(Akane arrives at the Delirious Dojo set.)

Kasumi: Oh, Akane, what's wrong?

Akane: Oh, Oneechan, it's Ranma... (Kasumi hugs Akane)

Kasumi: Don't worry Akane-chan, he's in good hands. But, meanwhile, 
look. (hands Akane a dress similar to what she's wearing. Akane loves 
it and tries to get in words of praise but Kasumi keeps talking over 
her. In the background the Satori's Simply Scrumptious Speedy Sushi 
commercial can be heard.) I call it an old look for an old favorite. 
I copied it from and old manga I found. What do you think?

Akane: Oneechan, it's--

Kasumi: I know, it's perfect. Come in, my favorite show just started.

Akane: What show?

Kasumi: Nerimavale!

(Cut to Ranma being socked over the head (again) by Mikado, afdter 
throwing Azusa out of the Unrealistic ward. Rennaldo is still 
watching him. Then cut to the monitor with the Delirious Dojo 
opening.)

Female Announcer: Fights start in the dojo. And where better to see 
this than in today's "Delirious Dojo!" With unwitting guest star, 
Akane Tendo.

(Cut back to the dojo. Kasumi is pouring Akane some tea. A TV is 
blaring in the background, showing a commercial for a teapot. 
Nerimavale is on and we can hear Kuno and Kodachi's words in the 
background. Ironically enough, their words match what the characters 
are thinking.)

Male Announcer: So if you're tired of tea that tastes terrible, try a 
teapot that tirelessly turns out terrific tea that totally tops them 
all!.

(Cut to the audience. Akane's voice can be heard over the studio 
speakers.)

Akane: Thank you, Oneechan.

(Cut back to the dojo. Soun comes in, wiping sweat off his brow.)

Female announcer: When that elder of yours comes in from the training 
ground with a thirst that no tea can satisfy, make sure there's a can 
of Jusenkyo Lite in the firdge. He'll thank you for it, and he'll 
thank Jusenkyo.

(With nothing to drink in the fridge, Soun turns and begins to play 
shogi against himself, behind Kasumi and Akane. Akane has changed 
into the outfit Kasumi made for her.)

Soun: Kasumi, why is your sister dressed like you?
    
    Kuno: It's a case of mistaken identity.

Kasumi: I just wanted to try it on, Father.

Akane: I think it's very nice.

Kasumi: It's a new synthetic

    Kuno: Synthetic.

Kasumi: From America.

    Kuno: We'll bury 'em.
    
Soun: Kasumi, she doesn't care.

    Kuno: Akane doesn't seem to care.
    
Kasumi: Is something wrong, Father?

    Kuno: A slight problem.
    
Kasumi: You seem so distracted.

    Kodachi: What?

Soun: It's just this whole thing with Ranma.

Kasumi: He's being checked up.

Soun: He's getting his head shrunk! I've never really trusted 
Realitologists.

    Kuno: There are so few people who trust Realitologists.

Akane: Poor Ranma.

    Kodachi: Yes, poor.
    
Kasumi: At least he's getting help.

    Kunos: (laughter)
    
Kasumi: And at least he hasn't ended up like that Taro boy.

Soun: What are you talking about? Pantyhose Taro's one of the finest 
martial artists I've met.
        
        Kunos: (more laughter)

Soun: I just feel sorry for him having to spend so much time with 
Happosai.

Kasumi: You should be.

    Kuno: Yes, you should.

Kasumi: Seeing as they found him behind the old dojo...

    Kodachi: What a discovery.
    
Kasumi: *Wearing* the underwear Happosai made him steal.

    Kuno: What a shocking experience.
    
Akane: Hanes.

(Soun looks disgusted, then looks down at the shogi board and 
realizes he's checkmated himself. He stands up and heads for the 
door.)

    Kodachi: Don't think about it.
    
    Kuno: I'm NOT thinking about it!
    
Soun: I'm going to train for a while. Outside.

(He slams the door.)

Male announcer: We return to Nerimavale after this.

Kasumi: Oh my, you shouldn't have said that.

Akane: Why?

KAsumi: Father prefers BVD's

(Cut to audience. Kasumi's last line has just been repeated.)

Audience: ME TOO!!!

<song: "Thank God I'm A Dad!">

(Cut to Soun meditating as a garage door opens up. He stands and 
begins destroying variousitems like stones, boards, walls, etc.)

Soun: (sings) A dad should make the rules
              Be a friend
              And read the news
              A dad should be a man
              Assuming he can
              
              Try to be a father
              And the master of his daughters
              A man should be the reason
              For a home to break..
              
(cut to the Audience.)

Male MI characters: Don't be remorseful
                    Be forceful
                    Discipline is best!
                    
Female MI & UY Chars.: Better be sure then
                        That children
                        won't listen.

Male UY Chars.: Before you ground the rest.

Audience: So always remember to be firm but fair.

MI men: Please listen

UY men: But kissin'?

(cut back to Soun)

Soun: Don't you even dare! (begins breaking more stuff.)
      
      A dad should lay some tar
      Fix a roof
      and wash a car
      And he should know where his daughters are.
      
      And know the right occasions
      To inflict some light abrasions
      A dad should be the ideal man               
      
      Mothers and Brothers?
      Thank God I'm A Dad!
      
      (As he sings the last verse, the garage door closes, revealing 
the Ranma 1/2 logo on the front of it. Cut to Nerimavale conference 
room. Azusa is being forcefully removed from the dessert cart. 
Mousse, Kuno and Kodachi sit at the table.)

Mousse: What an excellent meal! I must know what spice you used 
Kodachi-chan.

Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHOHO! I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill 
you.

Kuno: With Speedy Sushi Satori in charge now, even your poisions seem 
delectable, sister.

Mousse: Renaldo is a genius, mister, as you will see! (pushes a 
button. Mikado wheels in a TV on a cart, which Azusa immediately 
glomps.)

Azusa: ALPHONSO! (Mousse casually wraps a chain around her and throws 
her out during...)

Mousse: Nerimavale will be number one in it's time slot now that 
Satori happens tro be interested in...Reality.

Kodachi: Our field!

(Cut to NTV Research Lab. Dr. Tofu and Ukyou are disscussing the 
events of the fic up to this point.)

Tofu: You know, I'm convinced this is some sort of cheesy dub.

Ukyou: Cheesy dub? That's a little paranoid, isn't it? 

Tofu: Oh, I don't know. Remember "My Youth in Arcadia?" That got 
hideously dubbed and was never watched again.

Ukyou: Sounds like Ryoga. I never watch him at all now.

Tofu: (laughs)

Ukyou: Not since Satori gave him a leg up.

Tofu: Ah, yes, Renaldo Satori. You know it's amazing that his Reality 
Rampage is being financed by the most unrealistic food known to 
mankind. (Laughter. Cut to conference room.)

Mousse: Who do you think wrote the next episode? (Holds up a folder 
with the owrds "The Ranma & Akane Show" in a heart on it) So that 
Akane will be free to star on the Reality Rampage show.

Kuno: *We're* the doctors.

Mousse: Who trusts doctors?

Kodachi: Why Akane?

Mousse: Everybody loves the tomboy type. (bites into eclair) 
Especially Renaldo.

Kodachi: So it would seem.
    
    (Mousse and Kodachi burst out laughing. Mousse sprays eclair 
chunks over Kuno, who sits and does the Blue Aura Thing again. Cut to 
Research Lab. Knock at the door.)

Ukyou: Come in. (laughs)

Ryoga: Oh, hi.

Tofu: Hi.

Ukyou: Hi.

Ryoga: Just stopped by to give you this, Ukyou. (hands her an 
envelope.)

Ukyou: Thanks.

Ryoga: No problem.

Shampoo: (enters) Nihao!

Tofu: Hi.

Ryoga: Strasvweetya!

Ukyou: Bonjour.

Principal Kuno: (Sticks his head through the door) Aloha!

(Everyone looks at him as he leaves.)

Ryoga: Well, we'd better go. Big night tomorrow and Renaldo's 
watching.

Tofu: Oh, yes.

Ryoga: Yes.

Tofu: Yes.

Ryoga: So, I guess we'd better head out.

Ukyou: Bye.

Tofu: Auf Weidershen!

Shampoo: Dosvidanya!

Ryoga: Ciao!

Tofu: Au Revoir!

Principal Kuno: Aloha! (once again, everyone looks at him. Ryoga and 
Shampoo leave and the door shuts. Ukyou stands up and opens it.)

Ukyou: Oh, Ryoga-kun?

Ryoga: Yeah?

Ukyou: Piss off!

Ryoga: Same to you, lady!

Ukyou: (Slams door) God, I hate toadies like him! (opens envelope) 
Oh, just perfect! The Nerima Nagger's been... (sits)

Tofu: Silenced. (drops an acupuncture needle into his stationery 
holder.

======

    That's the end of Episode 2. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to 
rest my aching fingers and watch some quality cinema. Namely "Psycho!"

    Jya ne!
    
                                ---Erin 2.5