Skywise (Kelly) wrote:
 

hi this is my first fanfic C+C would definitly be appreciated
so would a good title but untill then I will stick with
 Warped reality

Hi Skywise. O.K. some C&C. Um...the introduction of the 'problem' is a 
little too abrupt, IMHO and Con reacts a little too calmly, don'tcha 
think? And a little too logically? The request to go to the embassy 
might be better handled as a suggestion from Ami? Maybe a way around 
this is to start with something like a police report describing a 
missing person and give us the date he showed up missing and then the 
date later in the embassy? Or something along those lines?

You might also want to give a little hint at why he's lost so many days 
and why he's in Japan. Is it a youma plot? Did he get abducted by 
aliens? I think you want this unknown, but so much lack of info will 
turn readers off.

Slow it down, give us more description of reactions. Let your characters 
talk and get into thier heads. You have a lot of opportunity to go into 
Con's character as he gets jumped from office to office in the embassy. 
That part is way to fast. (I kind of get the impression of reading a 
plot outline through that section).

You need to brush up on your mechanics a bit. ^_^ (but, hey, don't we 
all? Except maybe all those English majors out there...^_-) And choose a 
way to offset thoughts. Maybe put those areas in ** or []?

O.K. as always, these are just suggestions to use or trash as you 
choose. ^_^
Could you send the next part again? I got it with unwrapped lines so I 
was missing the ends of sentences.

Here:

 Conrad continued on undisturbed<.> <aA>t six foot
three not many people <tented>(tended) to bother the rather introverted young man.

"Oh what may I do for you sir?" she replied in almost perfect English.
Followed quickly by an apology that her English was so poor.

(don't describe it, do it.)

 The thought of amnesia really <scarred>(sp.) him<,>(.) <wW>hat have I lost(?) <aA> week(,)
a month(,) a year(?) <wW>ho knows what I have forgotten.  The onset of depression was
averted by the return of the energetic Japanese student.

        At the embassy after saying <goodby>(good-bye) they both just stood there for a
moment. Then <Ss>he said(,) " <hH>ere is my number and address in case you need any
help later<,>(.)  I would like to see you again if you are going to be staying in
Tokyo long."

(why would she? You need to give us a reason, I think.)

"Thanks Um, hey we have not been introduced yet, my name is Conrad
Borsting but you can just call me Con"

"Oh how silly of me My name is Mizuno Ami, well I will see you later then
goodby." after saying this she jumped back on the departing bus while Con
stood there with a look of stunned disbelief on his face.

(You might want to handle the into's earlier. I think Ami would ask who 
she's helping, neh?)

Laters!

Just call me 'Little Windlily'
(littlecritter@overyonder.com)