On Thu, 2 May 1996, Joyce 'Azusa' Torres, Sailor Slacker wrote:
This has had some revision, but it could use some more. I would
appreciate any comments at all on this. I mean that. Any comments.
Anything. This is the story listed beside my name for the Fanfic panel
at A-kon, and I'd like to have it up on r.a.a.c. by then.
Couldn't hurt :)
Lita is the property of that brilliant woman who writes Sailor Moon.
Naoko Takeuchi (Hope I spelled that right.)
"Bills." Lita's brow furrowed. "My inheritance is almost gone."
How old is Lita in this story? She's 14 when Sailor Moon begins..15 or
maybe 16 by Sailor Stars...I get the impression she's older here, though...
I assume she doesn't have any close relatives she can stay with?
Lita reached for her shirt, but Matt stopped her.
"She'll want to see us like this," he said, his voice slightly
raspy. "Trust me." Lita's eyes widened, but she obeyed.
A girl stepped into the room and took off her sunglasses. "Tendo
Nabiki," she said. "You must be Lita."
Nabiki walked to a chair near the bed, still looking at Lita, and
sat. After a quiet minute, she glanced at Matt. "Please, Matt,
continue. Don't let me interrupt."
Yeesh!
Matt put two fingers under her chin and lifted her face toward him.
"Would I let you do anything that would hurt you?"
Ugh. What a bastard...I want his head ona plate...
Comments:
The Good:
This was a very powerful story...The characters were interestingly
depicted and the psyche of the "heroine" was interestingly explored. As
a piece of fiction, this is a very well done work.
Grammar and spelling were good.
Matt, while secondary, was an interesting character too, as was the
"initiatior".
We see Lita dealing with a common problem for a young person on
their own...lack of money.
The Bad:
I can't quite see Nabiki as a pimp...She's mercenary...but I don't see
her as doing that...Not to mention, she's only 17, unless this story is
substantially in her future...
Makoto has a lot more resources than just Matt...Especially if she's
only been dating this guy for one week...The Sailors are her closest
friends, and she ought to know she can rely on them. I'm sure Grandpa
would be happy to hire her as a acolyte at the Temple...He's been
pestering the sailors to be acolytes there for a long time...
The Ugly
Frankly, I almost completely disagree with your characterization of
Lita. While the characterization is well done and self-consistent, she
doesn't act AT ALL like her characterization in the Anime. There's no
way in hell she'd do prostitution unless she was a hell of a lot more
desperate. No guy would ever be able to pressure her into having
sex...she'd kick their ass if they tried. Lita is strong, not weak.
Where's the person who said, "I always get what I want" in this story?
The person who sacrificed herself to save her friends? The person who
staggered out of bed while seriously tired from giving blood to avenge
her injured best friend Ken (I don't know his jap. name)?
I don't see any way the Lita you've portrayed in this story could
have done any of those things.
If/When Makoto has sex with someone, it's gonna be because she wants
it. Not because she feels she's tainted herself by sleeping with the guy
once, not just because he wants it. Heck, she'll probably want it more
than he will...
While you have given Lita a self-consistent characterization in this
story, it doesn't match the series at ALL, except for her bad taste in
men (With Motoki/Andrew being the one major exception to that). I would
strongly recommend replacing her with someone in whom this behavior
pattern would be more believable.
Final Judgement
As a original story, this is very good. As a fanfic, it fails due
to bad characterization. IF you changed the names of Lita and Nabiki, no
one would ever be able to tell it had any real connection to those
characters or the backstories of their series.
This story had a lot of power, it definitely grabbed me and wouldn't
let me go. But I'd advise changing the names and simply keeping it as an
all original story, as several other people have advised. It just
doesn't fit with the two anime characters you've used.
I certainly hope to see more works from you!
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/falcon.html
http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html
If you've ever watched the game warden through a gun sight...
You might be a redneck.