[Editor's note: I'd been more-or-less joking when I spoke of reviewing 
the next parts of this, since I didn't think anyone would want *too* much 
attention from this pair. ;> But since it was requested... <evil g>]

The lights come up in the theatre, to reveal our old friends Windir and 
Frito. 

Frito: And NOW, almost LIVE from the Ramada Limited in Northglenn, 
Colorado, it's --

Windir: Boot to the Head!

Frito: OW!

Windir: Although we are, in fact, writing this from a hotel room in the 
Denver metropolitan area, this is in no way a reason to turn this review 
session into something that sounds like a cheap copy of a late-night 
comedy show...

Frito: Aw, but it's FUN!

Windir: AHEM... or, even worse, a <shudder> Lounge Act.

[Editor's note: Some people out there probably think the show's reached 
that level already... ;>]

Frito: Why, you... I don't care if ya *are* our author, I'm gonna...

[Editor's note: <Calls the artist over to draw in an anvil over Frito's 
head> Ah, Frito, you were saying...]

Frito: Eeep!

Windir: In any event... before we begin, I thought I might mention that 
today's session will be rather longer than usual. We will, in fact, be 
covering episodes 2 through 6 of Michael Loader's _The Nameless Saga_; a 
volume of material that approaches 100K in its original form. As a 
result, we are undertaking to limit the amount of commentary we add, and 
some of the responses may be briefer than one might expect.

[Editor's note: As if you two ever limited anything!]

  I live for C&C. Gowan, post it. :-)

Frito: Ya got it! He he he...

-------------------------Episode Two - Frankenstein, Eat Your Heart Out----

Kasumi: What are you doing?

Nabiki: Totaling up the amount of rare, antique chairs that were 
destroyed by the rampaging drug-crazed bikers.

Kasumi: What are you talking about? You saw what happened; 
Akane accused Ranma of hiding her meal, Ranma denied it and used 
the t-word, and Akane.....(gestures at the room)....I wish they 
would go outside before they argue. But there were no bikers, and 
we would never keep anything rare in the Dojo.

Nabiki: What the insurance people don't know won't hurt us. 
Besides, they're getting off easy. Akane causes far more damage 
than any drug-crazed biker could, although the policy doesn't 
agree, of course.

Frito: I always wanted ta know how that happened!

Windir: <Raises an eyebrow> That has always been one of the Great 
Unanswered Questions of Ranma, Frito. However, I agree -- it is a logical 
way for them to afford the repairs. And it gives a good insight into 
Nabiki's character.

Frito: Hey, I seen enough! I think I'm in love! <Leers at Nabiki on the 
screen>

(Kasumi wanders into the kitchen. A tired-looking Shinto Priest is 
packing up various equipment.)

Priest: The exorcism is done, ma'am. The kitchen is now safe. 
You'll get our bill in the morning.

WIndir: I thought this bit was rather amusing...

Kasumi: Oh, good. Daddy was so worried about the eldritch 
chanting coming from the Pop-Tarts box.

Frito: But ya gotta admit, dis one is even funnier! ROFL!

(scene changes to the street outside the dojo. Happosai, armed 
with a flashlight, is peering cautiously into bushes.)

Windir: This bit with Happosai is a nicely ironic spot of humor.

Nabiki: Oh. (looks a bit nervous, then shrugs and drains her cup) 
Okay.

Frito: Hey, NABS! Wake up! Ya *KNOW* where that came from! Ya oughta be 
more than just *nervous*!

Kasumi: Amazing how a cup of tea will reenergize you! I feel like I 
could clean the whole house...

Nabiki: I know what you mean.

Windir: I might have expected a bit of foreshadowing for Nabiki's 
actions, here.

(scene shifts to the street outside the dojo. Happosai is 
desparately fighting off what appears to be a giant ambulatory 
bread pudding. The thing is shifting its form to avoid Happosai's 
attacks, and attacking with tentaclelike pseudopods. The fight 
seems to be a stalemate.)

Windir: I'm afraid the description of Akane's ambulatory meal is a bit... 
drab. After the delightful kitchen scenes from Part One, I would have 
expected something a bit more eldrich.

Frito: Yeah! Where's da evil eyes? Da menace? Da sense of formless dread 
from beyond da depths 'a time?

Windir: Though it was perhaps the author's intent to have the monster be 
rather bland-looking...

Genma: (yelling) Don't worry, eldritch horror from the nethermost 
pits of Hades! We'll save you!

Frito: SEE! I *told* ya it needed ta give da sense of somethin' *really* 
horrible!

Windir: On the other hand, the author could merely be making an ironic 
contrast between Genma's remarks and the actual looks of the thing.

Ryoga: I don't know. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure how I feel 
towards you myself. On the one hand, you have made Akane very 
unhappy (his eyes go angry)...

Ranma: Me? How? I didn't DO anything!

Ryoga: ...but on the other hand, you probably saved all our lives by 
stealing her meal. (he looks curious) How did you manage that, 
anyway?

Frito: Ryoga's actin' a little weird, here. Is he *normally* dat 
reasonable with Ranma?

Windir: <Sarcastically> A nicely rhetorical question, Frito.

Ranma: Haven't you been listening to me?!? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! 
Nothing! Nil, zip, zero, nyet, nein, nada!

Ryoga: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. Right. I suppose it just got up and 
walked away? I don't believe...

(The door opens and one of the teacups enters. It hops, walks, and 
climbs its way to the tap, which it turns on. It procedes to fill 
itself with water. Then it hops down, and walks out, sloshing 
water all over the floor in the process. Ranma and Ryoga just 
stare.)

Ryoga: Then again, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Frito: <Snicker> Just imagine da look on Ryoga's face... 

(Break for Commercial)

Windir: I have to agree with the author's decision (stated elsewhere) to 
leave out the commercials in future episodes. While some of them are 
indeed humorous, they do not really add anything to the plot; in many 
cases they are actually distracting.

(The Kuno Mansion. Kuno, Kodachi, and Sasuke are eating a late 
dinner.)

Kuno: Dear Sister, what is the name of this most delicious spice 
you have added to the Ramen?

Kodachi: Tenopyhilac Tribarbitol, brother.

(Sasuke turns pale, and dashes off.)

Windir: This scene in the Kuno mansion comes across as rather stilted, 
especially Kodachi.

Frito: Yeah, but whatta ya bet that really happens at their house?

Windir: Perhaps, but I was not commenting on the likelihood of the events 
-- merely on the way they are conveyed, particularly the dialogue.

(Sasuke races for the door, which he reaches just in time to have 
kicked down on him. Shampoo stands in the doorframe, looking 
really pissed.)

Shampoo: Nihao, Crazy Orchid Lady! Return spices and book or 
prepare to die!

Frito: Why threaten ta kill her? Ya know she's gonna kill her anyway for 
stealin' da spices!

Kodachi: For the last damn time, these are roses. (tosses one at 
her) Now, what exactly is it that you want?

Windir: I'm afraid I can't see Kodachi using ordinary four-letter curse 
words. I would expect her to either use nothing -- and let her tone and 
actions convey her displeasure -- or use something rather more inventive. 
In fact, that is probably the major problem I have with Kodachi in this 
series -- her character is used very well, but her dialogue is often too 
pedestrian. I would expect something with just a bit more flair.

Frito: Ahhhh, ya just want her ta talk all fancy like you. <Does a 
double-take> Say, didn'tcha just say she was talkin' stilted?

Windir: There's a difference between "stilted" and "flair," Frito. Surely 
even *you* got that far in your language classes. As I suggested, showing 
some of her tone and actions would do much to accent her character 
without using more-or-less ordinary expletives.

(Zoom out on the mansion. Kodachi and Shampoo's laughter fill the 
ears.)

Windir: A truly unnerving thought.

Soun: The drivers these days. No respect for the rights of 
pedestrians.

Genma: Exactly. I think the maniac in front was American, too.

Soun: (sadly) Don't these tourists realize that they are guests in 
our country? 

Windir: The cameo with Bean Bandit was reasonably good...

Frito: ...but *dis* is stretchin' it, and it don't work well later on.

Windir: This might indeed reflect the attitudes of the average Japanese 
towards Americans, but complaining about it doesn't seem to be in 
character for either of them. I have not seen any of the stories 
involving Principal Kuno and his "Hawaii-mania," however, and their 
attitudes might be shown in one of those stories.

(Zoom on the dojo. Inside, Ranma and Ryoga are standing in front 
of Akane's door. Ryoga is holding a squirming bag.)

Ranma: Thanks again, Ryoga. I really appreciate this.

Ryoga: I'm doing this for Akane, not you. I don't like to see her so 
upset. So I'm still going kill you one of these days, make no 
mistake.

Frito: Yah, *right*! How's *this* help Akane?

(Akane exits with Ranma, helping him walk. Ryoga is still slumped 
were he fell, rubbing his head.)

Ryoga: Don't everybody thank me all at once...

Windir: I still believe this is being unusually... calm... for Ryoga. 

Nabiki: (Not looking up from the laptop) Go away.

Kodachi: AhaHAHahahAhaHAha! Shall we, Styling-gel?

Shampoo: That's Shampoo. Yes, we shall.

Windir: The vocabulary sounds a bit too erudite for Shampoo. I'd expect 
her to say something like "That Shampoo. Yes, we do." On to Episode 3...

The bad jokes are still there as well.

Frito: Yah, dey are!

Windir: <Wincing> I'd noticed. 

------------------------------Episode 3: Varaiyah Tea is the Spice of Life!

Tofu: The bite itself isn't the main problem, Akane. Whatever bit 
him was poisonous. And as to the whatever - well, normally I 
would say both of you are delusional, seeing as teacups aren't 
noted for their savagery. But hey, who would believe in a boy who 
turned into a girl without major surgery?

Akane: (very worried) Poisonous? He...he's not going to...

Tofu: (reassuringly) No, no, of course not. I'm going to give him a 
general anti-toxin, and keep him here under observation for the 
night. But really, Akane, he's in no danger. He's just going to be 
very ill for the next few days.

Windir: ...which doesn't quite reconcile with him being up and around the 
next day. True, Ranma does have dramatic powers of recuperation, but this 
is stretching things a bit far.

Akane: I still don't understand how that cup could have come to 
life like that. I recognized it; it's one of our teacups. We've had it 
for years, and it never even so much as twitched before.

Tofu: (shrugs) Don't ask me. Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a 
sorcerer.

Frito: Hey! Is *dat* Tofu? <Peers at the screen> I ain't *never* seen 
Tofu be hip before! 

Windir: It does seem a bit casual for him; he has always been serious 
when I've seen him. And the joke is hardly good enough for the author to 
make this change in Tofu's character.

Frito: Eeeh... Er... um... ahh, you're right -- *dis* time. It just ain't 
funny.

Shampoo: Wake up, Crazy Geranium Lady!

Kodachi: *moan* ...roses...*moan*..Uhh, what hit me?

Windir: This is one of the best instances of this particular running 
joke. As others have commented, this was funny at first, but does get to 
be a bit tiresome over the number of repetitions provided by the author. 
I agree he ended it in the logical place... so, given that, I would cut a 
few of the earlier "off-hand" references, and put the ones that are left 
in at strategic points, for the maximum humorous effect.

Frito: <Looks disgustedly at Windir> Hey, Windy, can't ya just say "Put 
'em in where they're funniest?"

Shampoo: That's Shampoo. She has defeated me. Me, champion of 
the Joketsuzoku! (Her expression goes grim) I deliver kiss of 
death to her!

Kodachi: (rolling her eyes) And some people say I'M psychotic.

Frito: Hehehehehehahahaha!
 

Ryoga: (Really pissed now) I was the one who saved her! Curse you, 
Saotome! I shall see you burn in Hell! 

Frito: Now *dat* sounds like Ryoga!

(He slams his fist on the rock, which shatters. Ryoga, suddenly 
sitting on empty air, falls backwards into the pond.)

P-Chan: (Struggling out of the pond.) Bhwee.

(P-Chan walks sadly back towards the Dojo. The scene changes to 

Windir: As does this. <Smiles>

Genma: Yes...I have put Ranma in intentional danger many times, to 
sharpen his skills. But not even I would take him to New York. You 
have to draw the line somewhere.

Frito: Dis... it's sorta funny, but it ain't quite there yet. Da wording 
don't sound right.

(They turn. Kasumi stands in the middle of the room, wearing a 
pristine white dress and apron. In he hand is a mop, also 
completely clean. She seems to be glowing slightly. On her face is 
the normal Happy-Kasumi expression, but with a hard edge to it.)

Windir: In general, this scene with Kasumi works quite well. The byplay 
is entertaining, and overall the author does a good job of showing the 
change in Kasumi.

(Shot of outside the front door. Soun is lying in a heap. There is a 
crash, and a unconscious Genma flies out the front door to join 
him. Kasumi appears in the doorway.)

Kasumi: (Same pleasant tone but with evil-looking, nasty grin) Oh 
my!

Windir: I might also put an undercurrent of satisfaction in her voice --

Frito: Aahhhh, stop tryin' ta write da story for him!

(The clinic. Akane is slumped on the floor against Ranma's bed, 
asleep. Ranma is tossing a little, zoom in on his face. Sweat is 
pouring from his brow, and his expression had a tortured look to 
it. The picture wavers, and we do a rapid zoom on his forehead 
that ends with a switch to Ranma running along a fence. The 
blurriness at the edge of the picture makes it clear that he is 
dreaming. He looks terrified, and a shadow behind him indicates 
that something is chasing him. He keeps running, but the shadow 
seems to be getting closer.)

Windir: As there has indeed been a plethora of comments on the dream, we 
shall refrain from adding our admittedly confused interpretations to the 
mix. For the most part...

...Ranma is in the middle of the dojo. His father and Soun are 
watching him curiously.)

Ranma: Dad! Something's after me! Help!

Genma and Soun: If we feed you to it, we'll be saved.

Frito: Even knowin' what da shadow is, I still ain't sure what dis is 
supposed ta mean.

  (Scene changes to the dojo's dining room. P-Chan has managed 
to open the door, and is walking across the room on his way 
towards the bathroom. He is leaving small, muddy footprints 
behind him.)

Windir: This is one of the most amusing scenes in this part... if only 
for the way it so completely plays against our normal view of Kasumi's 
character... :)

Nabiki: Buy Viz Video, by the way. I hear it has some new show, 
Raisin 1/2 or something, that might be a hit.

Frito: I gotta say it, dis joke is even too much for me!

Akane: WELL EXCUSE ME! I was just trying to make something you'd 
like! Is that such a crime?

Ranma: Yes it is, as a matter of fact. Theft, to be precise.

Windir: This line falls a little flat; it's a little more sophisticated 
than one could expect from Ranma.

Kodachi: Great. And Nabiki was always SO concerned about our 
welfare before. She always did strike me as the disturbed type. 
AhaHahAHAha.

(Everyone stares at Kodachi for a second.)

Windir: I must admit to staring along with the rest of the crew. <Quirks 
an eyebrow and smiles slightly>

Akane: (under her breath) Thank you, Miss Stability.

Frito: He he he...

  Part four was a real pain to write for some reason. 

Frito: Don't worry, Oh Mighty Author... it turned out fine.

<Windir raises an eyebrow at Frito.>

--------------------------Episode 4: Cooking with Kasumi and P-Chan-------

Frito: I like da title here!

Windir: And the morning scene does strike a certain resonance, one might 
say. 

Frito: Yah. Like *you've* ever sat around in da mornin' watchin' TV!

TV: On a stranger note, Police in Nerima Ward have been barraged 
by calls from hysterical women, all of whom claim that they were 
assaulted by a amorphous creature who then made off with, uh, 
articles of their clothing. An investigation of Nerima's water 
supply failed to discover any hallucinogenic drugs, which, 
incidentally, the city has tested the Nerima plant for over ten 
times in the past year. City Officials had this to say.

(TV shows a dignified man in a business suit.)

Official: The place is full of nut cases.

TV: The Nerima Community Organization has turned out in protest.

(Ukyo, who had been paying mild attention, chuckles.)

<Our reviewers chuckle along with her.>

Ukyo: As pleasant as Nerima is, I have to agree with that official. 
Amorphous monster! (she laughs) Happosai has some competition 
as the Scourge of Nerima's Women.

Frito: Hey, Windy! She talks just like you!

Windir: Why, thank you, Frito.

Frito: That ain't a compliment!

(There is a loud knocking from the front of the cafe.)

Ukyo: (sighing) Damnit, the opening hours are posted right there on 
the door.

(She continues to watch TV. The knocking continues.)

Ukyo: (mutters) Idiots. (she yells) ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING! HOLD ON! 
This had better be good...

Frito: Now that's better.

Genma: Yes...it looked like a giant semi-liquid okonomiyaki, as a 
matter of fact.

(Ukyo's eyes light up with interest.)

Windir: And mine as well. Though I'm not exactly sure where the author 
made that connection before... it seems just a little too convenient, 
though I suppose it can be excused for the sake of the plot.

Cologne: I can't say that I approve of my granddaughter's choice of 
company. That Kuno girl is one taco short of a combination plate.

Frito: Dis don't sound right for Cologne. I ain't never heard her use 
nothin' like this modern slang stuff.

Akane: Wait a minute. This is ridiculous. Isn't there _anywhere_ 
in China controlled by the government? Didn't the Communists 
take over back in the fifties?

Windir: I had wondered about this myself...

Ukyo: I don't want you to fight it. I want you to distract it.

Soun: Distract it?

Ukyo: (firmly) I shall fight it. (she gets a distant look) This shall 
be the ultimate triumph of my art, to actually face an 
Okonomiyaki on the field of battle. This is what I have been 
training all my life for! 

Genma: You WANT to fight it?!?

Ukyo: (still miles away) I shall go down in history as the greatest 
practitioner of Martial Arts Okonomiyaki Cooking that ever lived! 
No, all I want you to do is serve as bait. This thing is mine!

Frito: Uh-huh. Right.

Windir: You must admit, it does fit in with the general theme of the 
series. 

(We open on Ranma and Akane running back towards the dojo. 
Ranma, for once, isn't running along the fence. Akane notices 
this.)

Akane: (in teasing voice) Suddenly afraid of heights, Ranma?

Ranma: (slows a bit, he seems a bit serious) No, I just..

(Flashback. Ranma is running along the fence. He looks terrified, 
and a shadow behind him indicates that something is chasing him. 
He keeps running, but the shadow seems to be getting closer.)

Ranma: (panicking) Help! Somebody, help!

(With a start, he comes back to reality. He has stopped running, 
and is trembling a bit.)

Windir: A nice use of the flashback, and showing the dream's effect on 
Ranma. In fact, I like the way this entire scene develops the 
relationship between Ranma and Akane, and shows them growing up just a 
little...

Akane: People get frightened. Especially in dreams, where you 
don't have any control. With all that poison in your system, it's no 
wonder that you had that kind of nightmare. The thing to do is just 
to try and forget about it.

Windir: ...though this sounds just a little too reasonable and 
intellectual for Akane.

<A large mallet appears out of nowhere and flattens Windir. Then the 
mallet and its wielder vanish back into malletspace.>

Akane: (in a playful tone) Baka. 

(She runs off towards the dojo. Ranma stands there for a second, a 
strange look on his face, and then runs after her. 

Windir: Again, this is well-developed. It also plays into the 
expectations and/or desires of many (if not most) readers... we see them 
relax a little more with each other, and grow closer together.

Scene changes to 
the inside of the dojo. A terrified looking P-Chan is hiding behind 
a stack of mats in the dojo. We can hear Kasumi's voice in the 
distance.)

Kasumi: Oh, P-Chan! P-Chaaannnn! Kasumi's got a wonderful recipe 
for pork chops she'd like to try! P-Chan! You come on out, now.

Frito: Ha ha hahaha! Oh, P-Channnnn... Daddy's ready for lunch... 

<Windir smacks Frito.>

Frito: Hey, what'dcha do that for! Ya gotta admit, it was funny!

Windir: Yes, Frito, it was indeed funny. <Sighs> *You*, unfortunately, 
are *not*.

Frito: Awwwww!

(He tries to make a dash for it, but Kasumi throws her mop with 
deadly accuracy between his sets of legs, tripping him.

Windir: "Between his sets of legs" is awkward; "Between his legs" would 
be perfectly fine here.

Akane: I still don't understand why you changed.

Ranma: If Nabiki decides to stop us from getting our parents and 
Kasumi out, I want to be in a form that I'll feel comfortable 
attacking her in. You know I don't...

Windir: The author apparantly wants to set something up for later in the 
story, and this is certainly a reasonable way of doing it. However, the 
author might want to insert some reminder of this at a later point...

Frito: Yah, by da start of da next episode, I forgot all about it! It was 
confusin' ta suddenly see Ranma called a girl...

Windir: Not the only thing that has confused you, I am certain.

Ranma: Drop the pig, and back away slowly. Where are Pop and Mr. 
Tendo?

Frito: And we all know where *dis* came from!

Windir: No... I'm afraid I don't.

<Frito rolls his eyes>

Kasumi: They tried to come in, but they were so dirty...I had to 
throw them out, before they polluted the whole house.

Ranma: (quietly) Did you hurt them?

Kasumi: I don't know. They didn't move for a while, but they're 
gone now....how many pork chops do you want, Ranma?

Ranma: Give P-Chan to me, Kasumi. Please.

Windir: Ranma's short sentences do an effective job of conveying just how 
serious he is here... and the (quietly) tag helps as well.

(She walks back inside the house. Cut to a guy sitting in a chair, 
typing on a Mac. He has a slightly crazed air to him, and the near-
empty 2-gallon coffee mug sitting by him gives a likely reason 
for his hands shaking.)

Writer: (still typing furiously) Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket....

(A lightning bolt somehow does a U-turn through an open window, 
striking him. There is a flash of bright light, and suddenly he is 
standing in front of the Kuno Mansion.)

Writer: Huh? Isn't that....it is! My God, I'm inside the fanfic!

Frito: FLASHBACK!

Windir: It does make me wonder what sort of recreational mood-altering 
substances the author has been indulging in...

[Editor's note: Ah, Windir... and what about that little jar of nutmeg 
you keep on a shelf in the back of your closet?]

<Windir flushes>

Ukyo: But it HAS to show itself! (Raises her voice) CREATURE! HEY  
AMORPHOUS CREATURE! LOOK! 

(She raises her shirt. The entire street stops, and stares. Genma 
hastily covers Soun's eyes.)

Windir: UKYOU!

Frito: WOO, WOOOO! TAKE IT OFF, BABY! EeeeeeYOW!

Windir: Boot to the Head!

<Stale warehouse variety popcorn spills across the floor...>

  The following addresses questions asked about Nameless Saga pts 3 and 
4. Thanks to everyone who gave C&C.

Are Shampoo and Kodachi doing the name-thing on purpose?
  No. See my earlier posts on this subject.

Windir: That's as may be. There are still a few points (especially in the 
next episode) where it does in fact appear deliberate.

What is Ranma's dream supposed to signify? What's happening?
  I rewrote the dream bit about 4 times before I settled on the version 
seen in the draft. Hopefully, people realized what it was about; I didn't 
get much feedback on that part. The key to understanding it is that the 
shadow behind him was Akane all along.

Frito: Yeah, yeah, once we knew it was Akane, most of it made pretty good 
sense. 'Cept for the part we talked about above.

It's about time you put in Ukyo. Will she have a part in the next episodes?
  Yes, though I'm not sure how much of one. The opening scene of episode 
four, by the way, is pretty much how I start my mornings.

Frito: Yeah, I can see dat.

Wasn't the whole shirt thing out of character for a relatively 
levelheaded person like Ukyo?
  Ukyo is chasing her very own Great White Whale. Ahab would understand. 
Just call me Ishmael....

And this worked as well.

What's gonna happen with the commercials?
 I'm cutting them out of the future drafts. It was getting too damn hard 
to think them up, and they were holding up the story. I might space out 
the one I've already written in the final draft. I'm not sure.

Windir: As we stated above, I would be just as happy if the commercials 
were removed altogether.

---------------------Episode 5 : Ukyo vs. Okonomiyaki! Round one! Fight!---

Akane: I know that, really. But it there was just enough of the real 

Windir: A touch of grammatical glitching, here...

Kodachi: These are ro...(she breaks off) Shampoo! You got it right!

Shampoo: So did you....Kodachi.

Windir: This does indeed make the running joke sound deliberate, since 
Shampoo gets her real name right and says it in a deliberate fashion.

orders. No one seems to be paying any attention to him. Shampoo 
and Kodachi are sitting in a pair of deckchairs towards the rear of 
the bridge, playing Maj-Jongg.)

Frito: Uh, there ain't gonna be enough room for deck chairs in da connin' 
tower of a submarine! 'Specially a WWII submarine!

Ryoga: What the hell is that?

Ranma: Dunno...it looks like something Akane would cook.

(Out comes the mallet. Akane, unseen to Ranma, prepares to send 
him into low earth orbit.)

Ranma: (snapping his fingers) Wait a minute! It IS something 
Akane cooked! That's the runaway dinner!

(The mallet halts an inch from Ranma's head. Akane sheepishly 
puts it back into malletspace just before Ranma turns to face 
her.)

Ranma: (amazed) You wanted us to eat THAT?

Akane: (defensively) Hey! It didn't look like that when I cooked it!

<Frito snickers; Windir chuckles>

Ryoga: (nervously breaking in) Er, excuse me but, uh, it's 
_looking_ at us....

(Ranma and Akane break off, and turn to regard the thing. It is 
somehow managing to stare at them without eyes.)

Ryoga: (in a small voice) I wonder if that's a friendly stare or a 
how-would-they-taste stare?

Ranma: I don't think it's either, actually.

<Frito nods and laughs>

Thing: Wwhoogharrrgghh....Pppprreeettttyyyyy Laaaadddiiiessss...

Ranma: (upset) Hey! Who're you calling a lady?

Frito: *Dis* is where I got boggled... by dis point I forgot he'd changed 
ta fight Nabiki.

Ryoga: (through gritted teeth) I could really use some help here...

(Suddenly, a throwing spatula whizzes through the air, slicing of 
the pseudopod holding Ryoga. Pan across the street to where Ukyo, 
Soun, and Genma have just arrived.

Frito: Ta-DA! Bum...ba-da-dum...ba-da-dum-bum-dum... <Starts humming the 
William Tell Overture>

Ukyo: First you get the shape right.....

(Whipping out the combat spatula, she neatly flips the charging 
thing over her head and into the ground behind her. It gets a flat, 
pancakelike shape.)

Ukyo: (in a dreamy, singsong voice) ....then you prepare the grill..

(She throws a spatula at a pair of power cables overhead, 
severing them. The ends fall atop a air vent grating, which begins 
to crackle with voltage.)

Ukyo: Then you cook it.....

(She spatula-flips the thing onto the grating. It begins to spasm 
and bubble.)

Ukyo: And finally, you slice it into bite size pieces!

(She walk over, pulls out a rubber-handled mid-range spatula, and 
quickly hacks the thing up. The others just stare.)

Ukyo: Hungry, anyone?

Windir: A *very* nice action scene, here.

Ranma: (disbelieving voice) That must have taken up all of 20 
seconds. How...

Ukyo: My art is swift and sure, especially if you're a Giant 
Animated Hentai Okonomiyaki. That was exactly the sort of thing I 
was trained for.

Akane: (incredulous) You were trained to kill giant living 
okonomiyaki?

Frito: I'm with Akane here!

Windir: You must admit, though, it *was* funny. <Chuckles>

(Cut to the sub's bridge. Kodachi and Shampoo are still playing 
their game.)

Kodachi: ...and the little slut called me a psycho, right there!

Shampoo: What did you do?

Kodachi: I denied it, then broke both her kneecaps.

Shampoo: (giggles) That so appropriate! 

Kodachi: (also giggling) Isn't it?

Windir: I like this developing friendship... though it portends grave 
things for Nerima in the future.

<The opening theme to Toccata and Fugue in D Minor plays again, with 
thunderclaps slamming into each other in the distance...>

Windir: And now, we come to a part of the story that I didn't 
particularly care for. The slapstick around the harbor was mildly amusing 
at rare points, but did not seem to mesh well with the rest of the 
plot... and really did nothing to advance the plot, beyond the obvious 
method of getting to China.

Genma: (solemnly) The Mermaid's Armpit. You will never find a 
more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Soun: They have a good salad bar, though.

Ranma: (openly skeptical) Do you really expect us to find a boat in 
there?

Frito: I gotta agree with Ranma... but I'd take it ta cover the whole 
scene.

(Ukyo has walked over to a table where four scruffy-looking 
Gaijin are drinking.)

Ukyo: Excuse me, but do any of you know where I could hire a 
boat?

Gaijin 1: Oi dunno. Lotsa places.

Gaijin 2: But if ya want a good seaman atta low price, I'd try 
Shinshiro Kuga. He's the man I'd be hirin' if I had ta take an ocean 
voyage.

Frito: Ah, HAH! *DAT'S* why da author put dis in! Viva da Institut Rats!

Kuga: I like your spirit, boy. Okay, I'll take you. 500,000 yen.

Ranma: Deal. Let me get the others. How soon can we leave?

Frito: So where'd he get da money? Hey, Ranma, which bank did ya use? 
<Mutters something about "security cameras... time locks...">

Happosai: Oh well. I suppose I'll have to make do with what's at 
hand. (lecherous grin) Anything to eat?

Kasumi: Roast duck. (her expression goes predatory for a second) 
Put up quite a fight, it did....would you like some?

Frito: Wak!

Windir: Poor Mousse.

Happosai: That's me girl!

(He bounds into the house. Kasumi gives an angelic smile, and 
closes the door.)

Frito: <Incredulous> And she didn't kick da guy out for bein' dirty?!? 
He's gotta be da dirtiest guy in da world -- 'cept for me, of course.

  Felix is real, and behaves exactly as portrayed. Fear her.

Frito: <Uncertainly> Felix?

--------------------------------Episode 6: Slow U-Boat to China_---------

(We open on a weatherbeaten sign reading simply, "94". As the 
camera pans left, we see a pier, covered with barrels and boxes. A  
somewhat shabby-looking trawler is tied up at the end of the pier. 
Enter Ranma and Co.)

Windir: Again, I'm afraid the naval antics don't do much for me here... 
though they are thankfully less pronounced than they were in the previous 
episode.

Ranma: CAT! There's a cat on this ship!?!?

Frito: Me-YOW! Hehehe...

Kuga: Yup. Old Felix is probably the most vicious, evil-tempered, 
bloodthirsty cat that ever stalked a deck for prey.

(Ranma looks decidedly nervous.)

Ranma: She isn't, uh, around much, is she?

Windir: The author might want to mention her gender in Kuga's prior 
speech.

Kuga: (cheerfully) Oh, she gets all over the ship. Locking the doors 
doesn't seem to help, she just gets mad and chews through them.

Ranma: (weakly) Chews through them?

Kuga: Wear heavy blankets at night. She'll go after your feet if she 
can't find any rats.

(Ranma's eyes roll up into their sockets, and he begins to 
collapse. Ukyo catches him.)

Frito: Awww, poor Ranma. <grins evilly>

Windir: That's right... you are a cat person, aren't you?

Kuga: What's wrong with the boy?

Akane: He's, uh allergic to cats.

Kuga: Too bad. I'll get a bucket of water to bring him around.

Everyone else: NO!!!

Frito: Like dat's gonna help! They're sittin' in da biggest bucket 'a 
cold water in the world!

(Scene changes to the inside of the Tendo dojo. Happosai is hiding 
under a table, a look of panic in his eyes.)

Happosai: Must remember....leave Kasumi alone in the future.....

Kasumi: (voice from a distance) Oh, Master Happosai? Where are 
you? I've got dinner all ready....

Happosai: (relieved) Maybe she was just in a bad mood.

Kasumi: And after that, I've got a few vials of hydrochloric acid 
and a sandblaster that should get some of that dirt off you.

Windir: Ah, here we are. I had wondered about this.

Frito: I'm just surprised he got that far inside da door!

Happosai: Or maybe she's really, really upset.

Frito: Better run, Happy-boy... <snickers, then builds into a 
full-throated evil chuckle>

Kasumi: You must be cleansed! Everyone must be cleansed!

Happosai: Never!

Frito: Hey, where's da witty comeback?

Windir: It does fall a little flat, doesn't it? Perhaps if he did some 
kind of action at this point, like clutching the sack of panties 
protectively, that might work better...

(He opens a door, and dives through, slamming it behind him. 
Kasumi stops short.)

Kasumi: Oh my!

(We follow her gaze. The nameplate attached to the door reads, 
"Nabiki Tendo, CEO")

Happosai: (from behind the door) Well, hello dear (glomp) 
Waitaminute...ohno....AAAUUUGHHHHTTTTGGHHH!!!! HELP!!!

Windir: Do we ever see what happens to him?

Frito: Hey, chill! We still got parts 7 and 8 ta go!

Shampoo: We no torpedo Ranma!

Kodachi: Of course not. We need to find a way to get him off the 
boat. If we can't, we'll just cripple the scrap heap he's in, pick 
him up, and then send the shorthair hussy and the spatula slut to 
the bottom.

Shampoo: Good idea, Ko-chan. But what if he mad at us?

Kodachi: We try to keep out of sight at first. Hopefully, we can 
sink them without Ranma ever seeing us.

Windir: That's odd. I'd always thought she was more intelligent than that.

Frito: <looking shocked> INTELLIGENT?! She's a FRUITCAKE!

Windir: Well, yes, but an intelligent fruitcake. Perhaps she's been 
hanging around Shampoo too long by this point.

(A moving patch of white down the corridor catches his eye. He 
runs after it. As he approaches it, we see that it's a off-white 
cat. The cat, while having a few scars and slightly matted fur, 
seems to look rather cute.)

Ryoga: Felix?

Felix: Mrrooww?

Frito: Awww... KAWAII!

Ryoga: (incredulous) You're the monster ship's cat Ranma is 
scared to death of? You?

(Felix rolls over on her belly, and begins to purr. Ryoga bend down 
to pet her.)

Ryoga: Aww, how cute. Kitty like that?

(Felix continues to purr.)

Ryoga: This just proves Ranma's cowardice. Imagine anyone being 
scared of you.

Felix: Mrrrooww?

Frito: He don't know her very well, do he?

(Switch back to Akane and Ukyo's cabin.)

Akane: So, then you stir the batter at 2000 degrees?

Ukyo: No, 200. Akane, I don't think you..

Windir: This is one thing I *do* like about the ship scenes... the chance 
it gives us to see the relationships growing.

(Ryoga slowly realizes that nothing is on him.

Frito: Kun-chan? Ohhhhh, Kun-chan.... 

He stands, and we 
see that his clothing is shredded. He had some big, nasty looking 
cuts and gashes.)

Frito: MEDIC!

Akane: (shocked) My God, Ryoga, what happened?

Ryoga: (hysterical) The cat! The cat! I was just petting it, and I 
must have rubbed it the wrong way, and then it was all over me, 
biting and clawing and spitting.....

Windir: The poor man probably has little experience with cats. This is 
normal behavior. Really.

Ryoga: It's not natural! It's a demon from Hell! It's evil!

Frito: Evil! EVIL EVIL EVIL...

Windir: <Whap!>

Frito: Erp. Thanks, I needed that.

(Felix turns the corner.)

Ryoga: THERE IT IS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

(He dives through the hatch to his and Ranma's room, and bolts it 
behind him.)

Felix: Mrrrroooowww?

Akane: Oh, what a cute little kitty!

Ukyo: Isn't it?

(They walk over, and begin to fawn over the cat. Felix just poses 
for them.)

Windir: You have to admire her, really. 

Frito: Cats are like that.

(Switch to Ranma and Ryoga's cabin Both of them are huddled 
together in a corner.)

Ryoga: (clutching his umbrella) It's not natural! I tell you, Ranma, 
Satan lives in that cat!

Ranma: (barely in control) Just keep a sharp eye out...

(A rat scuttles across the floor. The two jump, and then relax 
when they see what it is.)

Ryoga: (fervently) If we live through tonight, I'm never going near 
a cat again!

Ranma: Yeah, Ryoga. Join the ranks of us "stinking cowards."

Ryoga: Shut up, and get ready to run if you see a bit of white come in.

Windir: This was a good bit. You can see the comradeship underneath the 
sparring...

(A crewman enters the bridge, bearing two steaming bowls of 
ramen.)

Shampoo: (surprised) That was fast.

Crewman: Mistress Kuno insists on speed. (he shudders) So we're 
fast. Really fast. In fact, we had it prepared before she ordered it 
cooked.

Shampoo: (puzzled) How you know, then?

Crewman: It's a gift.

Windir: One I devoutly wish that I never have to learn.

Frito: I can just imagine that... he he he...

Shampoo: Sluts die at bottom of sea!

(She slams her hand on the console to punctuate her words. One of 
the bowls of Ramen spills onto an instrument bank. Sparks fly, 
and smoke begins to billow out of the panel.)

Kodachi: (sees the smoke) Wha?.....Fire! Fire!

Sasuke: Aye-aye, Captain. Firing both tubes.

Windir: This bit of slapstick leaves me with mixed feelings. It's funny, 
and reasonably well done, but it *has* been done. Time and again.

Sasuke: We can use the torpedo destruct button, just like James 
Earl Jones!

Kodachi: Great! Where is it? 

Sasuke: (points to the flaming console) Right over...oh. Oh dear.

Sonarman: Captain! I've got something....

Kodachi: (wincing) Explosions?

Sonarman: No..I thought I heard singing.

Frito: Tom Clancy, report to the courtroom please? Tom Clancy, to the 
courtroom?

Ukyo: What was that? A dolphin?

(The shape breaks the surface of the water. The triangular fin 
identifies it fairly easily.)

Ryoga: (bitterly) We should be so lucky.

(The shark makes a beeline for the floundering Ranma.)

Ukyo: Ranchan! Look out!

(Ranma, still slightly dazed, begins to turn.)

Akane: (aghast) What have I done? Ranma!

END OF EPISODE 6

Frito: AAUUGHHH!

Windir: Now, Frito, this is a *series*. We *know* he won't die.

Frito: Yah, that's what Talia said!

Windir: Hmmm....

Frito: So... what'cha think?

Windir: I'm enjoying this story quite a bit. It lost direction on the 
docks, but it's made a reasonable recovery -- probably because it reduced 
the number of bad sea jokes, and focused on the characters instead.

Frito: And da bad cat jokes?

Windir: <Looking embarrassed> Well... cats are like that.

Frito: Two thumbs up?

Windir: Yes. And FINISH THE NEXT PART!



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

..Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.