This version makes a _lot_ more sense.  Good rewrite.
	You need to change when the commander gave up being a mech 
pilot.  The Clans have only been fighting the Inner Sphere for about 
seven years at this point.  That's not enough time for the Ghost bears to 
kill someone 20 years ago.
	The Batchall went well, except that I'm not sure escape counts as 
being freed from bondsman status.  I'd think the clans would just assume 
you were a bondsman with no honor.  Plus the terms of the fight are a 
little odd.  Why would Jade Falcons want Spheroid mechs?  They'd want 
something more (like the entire planet).
	Unless you pull something sneaky, there's no way eight Inner 
Sphere mechs will be able to fight eight Omnimechs.  I've beat two lances 
with one star before.
	Oh, and I think Herb's hair is half-blue, half-white, but I'm not 
sure about that.

Ross