Foxx wrote:

I'm going to post a bit.... but I'm not going to post the poem that actually
made someone cry.... it's not a good thing....

I'm glad she still speaks with me after that.....

You should post it. I'd like to read it. This one is good. But if I 
might suggest (as my poety proff would say) a word-ectomy. Huum...also, 
not sure how to explain it, keep it all in the character's pov? Also, 
it's brutal. Keep it that way. Don't soften it.

 
 -----------------------------------------
(Suggestions) 

We weep for the dead....

A touch of orange, darkening sky,
Longing, I sense
Leaving,

  My town, my home,

leaving, I'm leaving, forever

  Alone,

The light dims, the bullet

  Inside,

all I do, is wait

  For the darkness...

My one and only, the love, my life!
is hovering, spared...
I have faught<sp. fought> this war, forever,
Never dreaming my life

  would be gone....

Weep this day, weep for the Dead,
the thought of lifelessness

  Fills me...

I hear battle, horrible cries,
the enemy comes, my town

  Dies.

I tell her, "Run!"

  No hope for me,

"Go, my love."
A hug and a kiss,
I can only pray that she is spared...
I want to go

  With her, I stand,

but more bullets,

  I feel them,
  I know she must go
  Alone

I fall,

  In blood I lay....

My final words,
    "I love you....."

(origonal)

We weep for the dead....

A touch of orange from a darkening sky,
a sense of longing, a sense of goodbye....
Leaving my town, my beautious home,
leaving, I'm leaving, to be forever alone...
My light is dim, the bullet inside me,
all I shall do, is wait for darkness to find me...
My one and only, the love of my life,
is hovering over me, spared from the strife...
I faught this war, for ever so long,
I never had dreamed, my life would be gone....
We weep this day, we weep for the dead,
the thought of lifelesness fills me with dread...
I hear the sound of battle, a horrible war cry,
the enemy is invading, my town will die....
I tell her to run, no hope for me,
"Flee, my love, across the great sea"
A hug and a kiss, I tell her to run,
I can only pray that she is spared from a gun...
I try to go with her, I stand on my feet,
but more bullets tear through me, and I know I am beat...
Falling to the ground, in blood I lay....
Speaking my final words, all I can say...
    "I love you....."

Just some suggestions. ^_^

Shannon

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