The lights come up in the theatre, to reveal the aristocratic elf and the 
greedy halfling. Frito pulls out a huge milkshake and starts slurping 
noisily, while Windir sips quietly at a bottle of Perrier that he managed 
to sneak past the ushers.

[Editor's note: Before we get started, I should mention that we've had an 
application from someone interested in joining the review team...]

Windir: Ah. A new addition. It would be good to have a compatriot with a 
greater sense of class.

[Editor's note: A greater sense of class?]

Windir: <Looking at Frito> It couldn't possibly get any worse.

Frito: Hey! <Gives Windir a dirty look> Well, maybe we'll get some guy 
with a sense of *fun* for a change. <Looks slyly at Windir> Who can talk 
English!

[Editor's note: Well, I'm still reviewing her application, so we'll have 
to see what happens.]

Windir and Frito: <In unison> Her?!?

Frito: Hey! If we get a *girl* on here, you ain't gonna let me talk 
hentai!

Windir: I must admit, the experiences I have had in the past with female 
critics leaves me somewhat dubious about the prospect...

[Editor's note: Hmm, this might work out better than I thought. Deal with 
it, guys, though I still have to interview her and decide. In any event, 
on with the review...]

<The lights go down in the theatre>

The following is the early draft of this fanfic, so PLEASE give large 
amounts of C&C. Also, tell me if you can think of a good name for the 
piece. Thanks. :-) -ML

Frito: Just remember, ya *asked* for it!

(Night. The camera pans across the rooftops of Nerima, coming to 
rest on the Nekohanten. Suddenly, from out of the shadows, a 
black-suited, masked figure appears. She stares at the 
Nekohanten, nods, and begins to slowly make her way towards it.

  The figure reaches a window, and begins to open it, then appears 
to reconsider.)

Figure: (in scratchy, my-voice-is-disguised whisper) They 
wouldn't....

Frito: He he he... it's cheesy! It's cornball! I *love* it!!!

Windir: Indeed, it does a good job of setting the tone and atmosphere of 
the story. The story is (as it stands) a lighthearted, entertaining piece 
of fluff, and this opening does a good job of establishing that.

Frito: Hey, what you callin' fluff?

Windir: Frito, do try to understand the proper use of literary criticism. 
"Fluff" is not necessarily a derogatory term, and is this case is 
possibly the most accurate term to describe this fanfic. I did not state 
that it was not good, or not entertaining.

Frito: Naahh, it still sounds like you puttin' it down.

(The figure takes out a pole, which was somehow concealed in the 
next-to-skintight bodysuit. Stepping back, she uses the pole as a 
lever to open the window. As it is about halfway up, a click is 
heard, and a barrage of about fifty butcher knives shoots out of 
the window.)

>From off Camera: MEEEEEYYYOWWWLLLLLL!

Figure: (impressed) I guess they would. Poor kitty.

Frito: A CAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO A CAT!?!

Windir: <Looking embarrassed> Frito, do please be a little... quieter... 
in expressing your opinions.

Frito: BUT HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO A CAT?

Windir: <To audience> Please excuse me for a moment. <He pulls a bulblike 
thing (trumpet players use 'em to mute their horns) out of pocketspace, 
and stuffs it into Frito's mouth, fastening it in place with duck tape.> 
There, that should bring you down to a more reasonable volume.

Frito: *Wuunh*! Wuunh wunh wunwunwunh...

Windir: <To himself> Hmmm. This might work out better than I'd planned. 
<A predatory smile spreads across his face.> Dear me, Frito, I'm terribly 
sorry. Do not worry, I shall endeavour to translate for you, to the best 
of my ability.

Frito: *WUNH*!?! Wuunh-wunh?

Windir: Yes, translate. It shouldn't be very difficult, as your speech is 
usually a series of variations on the same four or five concepts. 
"Where's the food?" "That's COOL!" "Oooh, what a babe!"...

Frito: Wunh!? Wuh wuh-wunh!

Windir: Why, thank you, Frito. <Pats Frito on the back, smiling.> You 
have no idea how much I value your appreciation --

<With a mighty effort, Frito rips the bulb out of his mouth, removing the 
duck tape and a good deal of his 7-o'clock shadow in the process.>

Frito: EEEE-YOW! That *hurt*! <Glares at Windir> Boot to the Head!

Windir: OUCH!

Frito: <Grins nastily> Serves ya right.

<Windir gets back up off the floor.>

Frito: Anyway, as I was sayin', WHY A CAT?!? Why not a militia guy or 
somthin'?

Windir: I'm afraid that's simply not possible, Frito.

Frito: Huh? They's always peekin' into windows, so it ain't like it can't 
happen...

Windir: Perhaps, Frito, but I do believe there are no militia groups in 
Japan. Not in the American sense, in any case.

Frito: <Looking sheepish.> Oops. Well, hows about one of those Om 
Shin'riko people?

Windir: <Shaking head sadly> Frito, your spelling is as abominable as 
ever.

Figure: Why couldn't she have wanted me to break into a nice, safe 
bank, or the Imperial Palace, or something easy...(freezes)...ohshit.

Frito: <Snicker>

(The figure drops into a forward roll just as a pendulum blade 
swings down from the ceiling. The roll carries her just ahead of 
the sharpened spikes that sprout from the floor. She dives through  
the door to the kitchen just as a portion of the ceiling opens, 
releasing a stream of boiling oil. The figure stands, brushes 
herself off, and closes the door. We hear a thump, and two spears 
drive themselves into the other side of the door.)

Frito: He he he...

Windir: But wouldn't someone come to investigate?

Frito: *You* were da one who said it, it'sa piece a cheesy fluff! Deal! 
<Grins and leans forward in his seat, staring at the screen.>

Figure: That's it. I am definitely asking for more money.

Frito: BWA HA HA HAHA!

Shampoo: (rolls over, mumbles) Yes, oh yes, Mousse...

Figure: Huh? (facefaults, then claps hand over mouth)

Shampoo: ....Yes, you can come to me and Ranma's wedding. You 
stop chasing me? You throw yourself in volcano? (sighs with 
pleasure) Well, okay...

Figure: Oh.

Windir: Yes, I do believe the "Shampoo is a bimbo" faction has acquired 
another member...

<Frito slaps Windir on the back, cackling. Windir stolidly ignores him.>

(Shampoo stirs, rolling over on the cot. The figure freezes)

Shampoo: No, Ranma...move the cucumbers to left, *sigh*, the 
hedgehog should go there...

Figure: Urk. Yes, I am definitely gonna ask for more money.

Frito: *I* don't even wanna know!

<Windir facefaults>

Soun: (between mouthfuls) Ah, Kasumi, where is everyone? They 
will miss breakfast, and I will have to finish it by myself. (His 
eyes light up) After all, no point in letting good food go to waste...

Frito: He sounds too much like you, Windy!

Windir: Eh?

Frito: He's talkin' all formal, like Kuno.

Windir: Oh. <Grimaces in disgust. Dryly.> Thank you for the comparison. 
You are correct, though; his speech does sound rather stilted.

Kasumi: (splattered with food, but not seeming to notice) Good 
Morning, Mr. Saotome. I'm afraid breakfast is over, but I can heat 
you up some leftovers if you're hungry.

Frito: Yeah, that's Kasumi!

Soun: (also splattered, crying his eyes out) Yes, *sob* please do 
us the honor, *sob* OF DESTROYING AND EATING EVERYTHING IN 
THE HOUSE!!!!(cries some more)

Windir: The sentiment is correct, but I'm afraid that again the diction 
is not quite correct.

Figure: Uh, uh, uh. The money, first. (pulls off mask, revealing 
herself as Nabiki) I believe we agreed on 6000 yen?

Figure 2: (angrily) 6000 yen? You said 3000!

Frito: She don't trust her sister?

Windir: She doesn't trust anyone, Frito.

Frito: Sez who!

Figure 2: (grimly) This, Nabiki, is going to show Ranma once and 
for all.

Nabiki: If you say so. C'mon, let's go before they miss us at 
breakfast.

(Nabiki leaves. Figure 2 hesitates for a moment, then hides the 
bag behind a stack of practice mats and follows her. As Figure 2 
moves out of the shadows, we see her face. It is....Akane?)

Windir: I always thought that her inordinate determination to cook would 
lead her to a bad end...

Frito: Yeahright, Wind-bag! Ya just wanna sound like ya know somethin' 
more den everyone else, for once!

Windir: <Dangerously> For once?...

<Frito wisely remains silent>

(The dining room. The hole in the wall has been covered by nailed 
boards. Genma-Panda and Soun are playing their usual Shogi game. 
Both of them are still a mess. Kasumi and Ranma-chan are 
attempting to clean up the mess. Although Kasumi seems to be 
enjoying herself [The Kasumi Housework Hum pervades the air], 

Frito: <Snicker>

Ranma: Over the walls, the ceiling, my old man...

(Soun bursts out crying yet again at this reminder.)

Genma: (via sign) 'Show respect'

Frito: *That's* da thing!

Windir: But shouldn't he hit Ranma with the sign first?

Akane: That's...That's no problem, Kasumi. I'll just fix me and 
Nabiki something.

Nabiki: Will you look at the time! I have a deal going down in just 
five minutes, lost track of time, no time to eat, silly me, gotta 
run, bye! (She darts out the door.)

<Windir smiles. Frito chuckles.>

Ranma: (seriously) Akane...I know we fight a lot, and, well, I know 
I always say I could never like such a violent, macho girl, which 
is true and all, but....

Akane: But?

Ranma: ...But I guess I do care a little about you (Akane looks 
touched), even if you are uncute, and, well, that's why I'm going to 
ask you...

Akane: (In soft, hopeful voice) Ask me what, Ranma?

Frito: Awww. This bit really works for me, Windy. I mean yah, it copies 
what they do in the show, but ain't that the point?

(Their eyes meet)

Ranma: Akane...

Akane: Yes?

Ranma: Please don't make yourself breakfast. You have your whole 
life ahead of you, don't throw it away like this!

(In the dining room, Soun, Genma, and Kasumi watch as Ranma 
comes flying through the wall, a dented pan covering his head)

Akane: (through the new hole) RANMA NO BAKA! Hmph.

Windir: Yes, brilliantly executed and right on target. A *perfect* 
mimicry, and very effective.

(Break for Commercial)

Announcer: Is your cat tired of the same old cat food?

Windir: I'm afraid this commercial is a bit too 'over the top,' even for 
a Ranma burlesque. Not the idea of a commercial, mind you, but the 
commercial itself. 

Frito: Aw, Windy, you're just too much of a <pitches his voice in a fake 
'haut culture' tone> 'feline fancier.'

Windir: <Giving Frito a Look> And you are not?

Frito: <Squirming> Aw, Windir... <Disgustedly> Yeah, yeah, I didn't like 
it neither.

(Akane is sitting on the roof, alone. She seems upset.)

Akane: Baka. Why can't he just be nice to me once in a while? He 
knows how hard I try to cook, but he just keeps insulting, and, 
and,....why can't he just try my food?

(flashback showing Akane's food doing assorted threatening 
things.)

Akane: Well, maybe I do need some help with my cooking - but 
that's why I had Nabiki get those spices and the cookbook! 
Tonight, I'll make them all a meal fit for an emperor!

(Akane stands. The sky goes dark, and lightning flashes.)

Akane: Ranma, you WILL eat my cooking, and LIKE it!

(Thunder crashes)

Frito: Where's da organ music? He he he...

Windir: Yes, Toccata and Fuge in D Minor would be appropriate here.

Voice from next door: Will you hold it down!

(Sky returns to normal)

Akane: Sorry.

Frito: MUHUHUHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHA! <Rubs hands together>

Windir: Frito, I'm afraid your 'evil laugh' hasn't improved any since the 
last time you tried it.

Frito: Aw, *shucks*.

Kasumi: The dojo, on the other hand, can't. Father has been crying 
more then his normal four times a day, and Nabiki is beginning to 
run out of dodges to pull on the insurance people. If this keeps up, 
we might be in real financial trouble.

Windir: I always wondered how they managed to maintain their insurance.

Frito: Yeah, but is dat really Kasumi? She's too in touch!

Windir: She sounds uncharacteristically sober, yes. I think it's the 
phrasing, more than anything; rather too formal.

<Frito starts chuckling -- >

Windir: <Gently> Ah, Frito... do you remember what came to pass the last 
time this happened? And what we agreed would take place if it happened 
again?

Frito: Urk!

Windir: I'm glad you agree.

Kasumi: You see? That's just the sort of thing she'd get upset at, 
and the kind of thing you have to control. For example, I never 
mention my intense desire to carve the little sucker up and serve 
him in a nice orange sauce, which I'll probably do one of these 
days, because I know it would upset Akane.

(Ranma and P-Chan stare at Kasumi in horror)

P-Chan: Bhweeeeeeee! Bhweeeeee! (scampers out the door as fast 
as his legs can take him.)

<Frito starts laughing silently, too hard to make a sound. Windir resists 
for a moment, lips twitching, then breaks out with a guffaw and joins 
Frito in rolling on the floor. After a few moments, they manage to stop 
and climb back into their chairs.>

Windir: <Wiping eyes> Ahem. Yes. Well, this does do a good job of showing 
a decidedly odd edge to Kasumi...

Frito: Ya know, it'd be even better if she just gave this creepy little 
smile when she said dat...

Soun: WE...(sways, Genma steadies him)..we have been bonding, 
shee...

Akane: I see. (Gets a crafty look) Daddy, can I make dinner 
tonight?

Soun: Of coursh you can, my darling girl. (sways into the house)

Genma: (via sign) 'Tendo! Think what you just said! TENDO!'

Windir: "Tendo-kun," perhaps?

(Waving his arms, Genma frantically rushes after Soun. Akane 
smiles evilly, and closes the door.)

Frito: Ha! Evil is right, and ain't it *great*?

Akane: (a bit flustered) Why, that's...that's very gracious of you, 
Ranma. I'll put some extra effort into it.

(She darts off for the kitchen)

Kasumi: That was very good of you, Ranma.

Ranma: Maybe, but why do I feel like I've just done something 
horrible?

Frito: Because you HAVE done somethin' horrible, you DIP!

Windir: <With a twinkle in his eye> Oh, come now. It can't be *that* bad. 
And it was a rhetorical question, after all. <Smiles>

Frito: <Suspiciously> Are you still holdin' that grudge against 'im, 
after what happened in #ranma!?

Soun: Saotomes, for the sake of your lives flee! Honor demands 
that we face this horror, but there is no need for you to suffer as 
well!

Genma: My thoughts exactly. Come on, Ranma, let's get going...

Frito: Heeeee.

Ranma: I can't. I...I promised Akane I'd eat dinner.

Genma: Son...Maybe I've been too hard on you. I know your life is 
rough, but there's no need to do this! You have your whole life 
ahead of you!

Frito: Genma no BAKA!

Windir: Frito, I do believe you are getting a little far into this one.

Happosai: It was horrible! I had to beat him off! I feel unclean!

Frito: <Sarcastically> Ain't *that* a switch!

Ranma: (with evil grin) No, never! As a matter of fact, would you 
care to stay for dinner?

Ryoga: D-dinner?

Ranma: Yup. It'll make Akane very happy...

(Ryoga is wary, but doesn't see the trap)

Windir: The last phrase is perhaps a bit obvious.

Ryoga: In that case, I accept. By the way, where is Akane?

Ranma: (with wide, lazy grin) She's in the kitchen. Fixing dinner.

(Zoom out on the Dojo as Ryoga's scream fills the air.)

<Frito sniggers>

Windir: Yes, an appropriate ending to that scene. 

(Commerial Break)

(The Pillsbury Dough Boy in a kitchen)

Windir: This one is perhaps a bit better than the last one... but it 
doesn't really fit the environment. 

Frito: Yeah... just what are the Yakuza like, anyhow?

(A dark and stormy night. We zoom in on the dojo. Bach's Toccata, 
the organ bit that gets played in b-horror movies, is heard. The 

Frito: Ya see! They *do* know dat song!

zoom enters the kitchen, as the music swells. Akane is cooking. 
About seven different pots, cauldrons, crock-pots, etc. are 
bubbling and fuming. Jars and vials are spread accross the room. 
Akane is chopping vegetables.)

Akane: Oh, this meal will be the best they'll have ever eaten! 

(She begins to sing her Happy Cooking Song, which clashes 
horribly with the Toccata. 

Frito: Maybe ya could do somethin' with da harmonics, like they did in 
dat Robotech book...

Windir: Book? Oh. Yes. "The Sentinels." <Shudder>

Behind her, unseen, a tentacle rises out 
of a pot and reaches for her. A crab-like claw from the crock-pot 
intercepts it, and the two begin to fight.)

Crock-Pot: (in croaking, distorted tone) Ia Cthulhu R'lyeh.... 

(Eventually, the tentacle-thing is dragged into the crock-pot. 
Hideous crunching noises are heard, and then a faint burp. Akane, 
of course, hasn't noticed any of this.)

Windir: <Snicker> The writer obviously has a true gift for slapstick 
comedy.

(scene changes to the dining hall. Genma, Soun, Nabiki, Ranma, 
Kasumi, and Ryoga are staring at the kitchen door anxiously. A red 
glow is coming from under the door.)

Genma: Do you think she's alright?

Windir: "all right," I believe.

Kasumi: I'm sure she is. (turns to Ryoga) Can I get you anything, 
Ryoga?

(Ryoga backs away from her, a look of fear in his eyes.)

Ryoga: That's okay, Kasumi...just stay back...

Frito: [Editor's note: How many different ways can I come up with to have 
him burst out laughing?] 

Windir: <Smiling> Another payoff for that excellent joke a bit earlier.

(He walks over to the red-glowing door, and knocks)

Ranma: Uh, hello? Akane?

(Akane opens the door. The kitchen is obscured by fog and glaring 
red light. In the background, we hear chittering and cackling.)

Ranma: Akane? Are....is everything okay in there?

Akane: Yup. No problem. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour, 
I just have to finish the teriyaki chicken...

Demonic Voice from Kitchen: THERE IS NO TERIYAKI, ONLY ZUUL!

Akane: Whoops! Have to get back to work! (closes door)

Frito: And nobody comments?!?

Windir: They *have* been living in a Takahashi story for several years, 
Frito.

Frito: Oh. Yeah. Right. <Shakes his head back and forth> Sorry.

Akane: As you can see, I made..(Notices empty platter)...MY DINNER! 
WHERE IS IT?

(As everyone else looks puzzled and relieved, the camera zooms in 
on the open kitchen door. We see a shadowy blob move out of sight. 
Camera fades.)

Frito: Another great place for some of dat organ music!

Windir: Perhaps another demonic laugh would be better.

Frito: Anyway... thumbs up for part 1! Can't wait to get to part 2!

Windir: Frito, we *have* part 2. And part 3.

Frito: Yeah, but we was tryin' to get this out before Wednesday, right? 
Remember, da author said somethin' about his mail feed goin' off then?

Windir: Ah, yes. I had forgotten. Until next time, then.



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

..Hello. I'm afraid I'm not sapient right now. Please leave a message, 
and I'll get back to you when I reach a higher evolutionary plane. Thank 
you.