It's been a real busy week, so apologies to those who's fanfic's I
haven't critiqued. And, for some reason, about 5 posts of mine never
showed up on the ML, so I'll have to redo them sometime too. Gah.
This thing, like much of my stuff, seems to be writing me instead of
the other way arround. Episode three is a bit more serious in tone than 1
& 2, although Bob knows it's no "The Letters" or "Winter's Tale"
tearjerker. It just has elements of relationship building, potential
danger to two cast members, and a nicely Psychological bit. The bad jokes
are still there as well. Erin, you should just LOVE the title. ;-)
Musical notes: Opening theme is still JnS, and Ranma's dream is to
Cheap Trick's "I Must be Dreaming", which has an appropriate name and
nice opening.
Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more...
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_ ___.-.__ /_ |
_ / \ _ (___ __) | |
| |\_/ / ` (___ __) |_|
| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. |
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____) The Nameless Saga
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Ranma 1/2 and all characters and backstory in this Fanfic are the
creations and property of the illustrious Rumiko Takahashi-sama. Trust us on
that. The Nameless Saga was written by Mike Loader and far too much coffee.
------------------------------Episode 3: Varaiyah Tea is the Spice of Life!
(Doctor Tofu's clinic. Ranma is lying on the examination bed,
unconscious and looking rather pale. Tofu is checking him over. In
a corner of the room, Akane is looking on worriedly.)
Tofu: Hmm. Very interesting.
(Tofu walls over to a cabinet, and begins to prepare a shot.)
Akane: Doctor Tofu, what's wrong with him? The bite didn't seem
that serious.
Tofu: The bite itself isn't the main problem, Akane. Whatever bit
him was poisonous. And as to the whatever - well, normally I
would say both of you are delusional, seeing as teacups aren't
noted for their savagery. But hey, who would believe in a boy who
turned into a girl without major surgery?
Akane: (very worried) Poisonous? He...he's not going to...
Tofu: (reassuringly) No, no, of course not. I'm going to give him a
general anti-toxin, and keep him here under observation for the
night. But really, Akane, he's in no danger. He's just going to be
very ill for the next few days.
Akane: I still don't understand how that cup could have come to
life like that. I recognized it; it's one of our teacups. We've had it
for years, and it never even so much as twitched before.
Tofu: (shrugs) Don't ask me. Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a
sorcerer.
Akane: Jim?
Tofu: Bones. (Points to a new skeleton in a corner of the office)
Betty was getting a little run-down, so I got this new one. I'm
calling him Jim.
Akane: Oh. (She thinks: Sorcerer....maybe Cologne could give us
some answers)
Tofu: (injecting the shot) There you go. You'll feel better in no
time.
(Ranma moans a little, and rolls over.)
Tofu: You might as well go home now, Akane. If he's well enough,
I'll send him back to the dojo tomorrow.
Akane: (hesitantly at first, then firmly) No....No, I'd rather stay
here tonight, Doctor Tofu. Just in case he needs anything. Is that
all right?
Tofu: Sure. I'll set up a cot for you in the corner. I'll be just down
the hall if there's any change, and I'll check in every once and
awhile.
Akane: (gratefully) Thank you so much, Doctor.
Tofu: No problem. It just means less work for me.
(Tofu leaves. Akane walks over to Ranma's bed, and sits down on
the edge of it. Ranma, still delirious, doesn't seem to be aware of
her presence.)
Akane: Ranma, you jerk, why did you have to be so careless? You'll
be fine, though, Doctor Tofu said so. You'll be fine.
(Ranma gives a low, almost inaudible groan in the back of his
throat, then a louder one. Akane takes his hand, and begins to
stroke his forehead.)
Akane: (soothingly) It's all right. You're going to be fine.
Ranma: (muttering) Akane...Akane....
Akane: Shh. I'm here. I'm here. It's all right.
(Scene changes to the outside of the Dojo, at night. Shampoo and
Kodachi, their clothing and hair singed, are lying flat on their
backs. After a while, Shampoo groans, and opens her eyes.)
Shampoo: (dazedly) Ohhh....what happen?
(She looks around, and notices Kodachi. Shampoo leans over and
shakes her.)
Shampoo: Wake up, Crazy Geranium Lady!
Kodachi: *moan* ...roses...*moan*..Uhh, what hit me?
Shampoo: A bolt of Ki-force. Since when Nabiki know how to do
that?
Kodachi: Since never. She sparred with my brother one day, about a
year back. It wasn't much of a contest, and Takewaki was pulling
his punches out of a sense of chivalry. Curse it all, Lotion, she
shouldn't be able to do that!
Shampoo: That's Shampoo. She has defeated me. Me, champion of
the Joketsuzoku! (Her expression goes grim) I deliver kiss of
death to her!
Kodachi: (rolling her eyes) And some people say I'M psychotic.
Look, while I'm as fond of a nice open fight as anyone else,
neither of us, quite frankly, can take her on openly. I think we will
have to resort to subtler means.
Shampoo: But honor demands...
Kodachi: Face facts, dear. She brushed us off like we were insects.
That wasn't a fight to her, it was an interruption. She was barely
paying attention to us.
Shampoo: So what can we do?
Kodachi: At the risk of sounding like my brother, I believe we
were defeated by foul sorcery. Doesn't that old hag have some
expertise in that area?
Shampoo: Of course! Grandmother! She know what to do!
Kodachi: Come on, then. Let's go get the old crone's opinion.
(Kodachi begins to stand up. Shampoo restrains her.)
Shampoo: Wait. Not until morning. Grandmother very bad-tempered
if woken up.
Kodachi: But...Well, what are a few hours? Okay. Come on, you can
stay at the mansion tonight.
(They slowly walk off.)
Shampoo: By the way, do you play Mah-Jongg?
(Scene changes to the garden. Ryoga is sitting on a rock by the
pond, looking depressed.)
Ryoga: Where could Akane be? Doctor Tofu's clinic isn't that far
away, she should have been back by now? I hope she's all right...
No, she's fine. (Bitterly) After all, Ranma's with her. He wasn't
hurt very badly, either. He's probably faking it, to get her
sympathy...he knows how compassionate she is.
(Visions of Akane and Ranma together flit through his head.)
Ryoga: (Really pissed now) I was the one who saved her! Curse you,
Saotome! I shall see you burn in Hell!
(He slams his fist on the rock, which shatters. Ryoga, suddenly
sitting on empty air, falls backwards into the pond.)
P-Chan: (Struggling out of the pond.) Bhwee.
(P-Chan walks sadly back towards the Dojo. The scene changes to
the front of the house, where Soun and Genma are just arriving.)
Genma: And their unhealthy fascination with handguns! Yes, Tendo,
we were very lucky today. That foreign lunatic probably would
have run us down or shot us without a second thought.
Soun: (Nodding sagely) You are right, Saotome. Why so many people
actually vacation in America is beyond me.
Genma: Yes...I have put Ranma in intentional danger many times, to
sharpen his skills. But not even I would take him to New York. You
have to draw the line somewhere.
(They open the front door, and stop dead. The house is so clean it
is actually sparkling.)
Soun: (With awe in his voice) Kasumi must be working rather hard
tonight.
(They enter, and look around. They are forced to squint because of
the glare from the sparkling floor and walls.)
Genma: It makes operating rooms look like a pigsty. You have a
fine daughter in Kasumi.
Kasumi: (from behind them) Thank you.
(They turn. Kasumi stands in the middle of the room, wearing a
pristine white dress and apron. In he hand is a mop, also
completely clean. She seems to be glowing slightly. On her face is
the normal Happy-Kasumi expression, but with a hard edge to it.)
Kasumi: Hi Daddy, Mr. Saotome. Did you have a nice walk?
Soun: Why thank you, dear, as a matter of...
Kasumi: (breaking in) Oh my. You've tracked dirt all over my nice
clean floor.
(Genma and Soun look where she is pointing. The camera zooms to
reveal one small dirt particle.)
Soun: That's all right, Kasu...
Kasumi: No it isn't, Daddy. The house must be kept clean. Could you
wait outside while I tidy this up?
Soun: (a bit annoyed, and not budging) Now wait, Kasumi, don't you
think all this is a bit...
(Kasumi grabs him by the neck and slams him up against the wall.
His feet are about an inch off the ground.)
Kasumi: (Still in her normal tone) You are filthy, Daddy. I try to
maintain a decent level of hygiene, and you smear muck over my
efforts. Really, I don't think you should be doing that.
Soun: (Struggling to breath) aaauggghhh...
(Kasumi tosses him out the door, one handedly. She then turns to
face Genma.)
Kasumi: As for you, Mr. Saotome...
Genma: (Dangerously) Watch it, girl. Try that trick with me and
I'll put you on the floor.
(Shot of outside the front door. Soun is lying in a heap. There is a
crash, and a unconscious Genma flies out the front door to join
him. Kasumi appears in the doorway.)
Kasumi: (Same pleasant tone but with evil-looking, nasty grin) Oh
my!
(She closes the door. Zoom out on Soun and Genma's motionless
forms.)
(Break for Commercial)
(Clip of a burglar robbing a house)
Voice Over: (with heavy accent) This scene is great fear of many
Americans, and for good reason. Due to new bill passed by
American Politburo, only the criminals will own automatic
weapons. Oh, sad times are these!
(Switch to the voice over guy, in Soviet military uniform,
standing in front of a base.)
V-O Guy: But silly American Politburo has neglected to ban T-23
battle tanks! or MIG 25's! And due to collapse of evil soviet
empire, you can get all these self-defence items at Crazy Ivan's
Used Armies. We have nuclear subs, good condition, for only a
3000 dollar downpayment. Or, for your lawn, the infamous
Bouncing Betty land mine for only 30 dollars apiece! Yes, that's
right: the very same Soviet-surplus mine even now killing troops
in Bosnia and civilians in Africa can be yours for only 30 dollars
apiece! And if you're a government or terrorist group, check out
our low, low prices on chemical and nuclear weapons! So come
down to Crazy Ivan's - Everything must go, and we don't care who
it goes to.
(End of commercials)
(The clinic. Akane is slumped on the floor against Ranma's bed,
asleep. Ranma is tossing a little, zoom in on his face. Sweat is
pouring from his brow, and his expression had a tortured look to
it. The picture wavers, and we do a rapid zoom on his forehead
that ends with a switch to Ranma running along a fence. The
blurriness at the edge of the picture makes it clear that he is
dreaming. He looks terrified, and a shadow behind him indicates
that something is chasing him. He keeps running, but the shadow
seems to be getting closer.)
Ranma: (panicking) Help! Somebody, help!
(Kuno materializes next to the fence, standing on empty air and
floating alongside Ranma.)
Kuno: But why? Isn't this what you want?
Ranma: What I want! Are you crazy!
Kuno: What we all want. But run, Saotome. I shall hold it at bay for
a while, although not even I can stop it.
(Kuno steps behind Ranma, his bokken raised in challenge. Ranma
keeps running. Behind him, he hears the sound of a fight between
Kuno and whatever's following him. Then he hears Kuno shriek in
agony, and he senses the shadow following him again. It begins to
pull closer.)
Ranma: No! Stay back! NO!
(Ukyo and Shampoo appear on either side of him.)
Both: We'll save you, Ranma!
(They leap behind him. Again, there are the sounds of a fight,
screams, and the shadow pulls closer.)
Ranma: Why can't I get away from it!
Ryoga: (appearing out of nowhere) Why don't you really try?
Ranma: What do you mean! I'm running as fast as I can! Help me!
Ryoga: I'd like to, Ranma. Nothing would please me more than to
see you get away.
(The shadow is almost on top of Ranma now.)
Ranma: (screaming) HELP ME! PLEASE, HELP ME!
Ryoga: (sadly) I don't have a chance. Neither did any of the others.
Goodbye, Ranma.
(He vanishes. The fence beneath Ranma flies apart, and he falls,
screaming...
...He is standing on a mountaintop in China. A fortress sits upon a
nearby peak. Ranma walks toward it, and is soon inside, in a vast
hall. A stone figure sits on a throne at one end.)
Ranma: Where am I?
Figure: Varaiyah. It is below.
Ranma: What is?
Figure: What you seek. Here it is now.
(We sense the shadow enter.)
Ranma: NO! I'm not looking for it, I have to get away from it!
(The floor disappears. Ranma falls...
...Ranma is in the middle of the dojo. His father and Soun are
watching him curiously.)
Ranma: Dad! Something's after me! Help!
Genma and Soun: If we feed you to it, we'll be saved.
(They grab Ranma, and throw him into a pit. Ranma finds himself
in a small room with a door at one end. Heavy footsteps approach
the door. Ranma turns and begins clawing at the far wall.)
Ranma: No...no....no...I must be dreaming...no....no..
(The shadow enters the room, and advances until it is right behind
Ranma. Slowly, sobbing with fear, he turns to face it. But it
seems to have vanished; Akane is standing there.)
Ranma: Akane?
(Akane's face suddenly swells, and her mouth becomes circular
and fanged like the teacup. As Ranma screams, the horrible mouth
lunges towards his face....)
Ranma: (sitting upright in bed) NNOOOOOO! DON'T....oh God.....
(Akane wakes up with a start, and sits down next to him.)
Akane: Ranma? What's wrong?
Ranma: (clutching her by the shoulders) Akane! God, what a
nightmare...where am I? What happened?
Akane: (soothingly) The teacup poisoned you. You're in the clinic.
Doctor Tofu says that you'll be fine, just a little weak for a
while.
Ranma: What was that thing? What could it have been doing in the
dojo?
Akane: I don't know. Tomorrow, when you're better, we'll go to see
Cologne. Maybe she can tell us what's happening.
Ranma: (in tired voice) Okay, tomorrow. God, what a dream....
Akane: Go back to sleep. You need your rest.
Ranma: Sure...(He falls asleep)
(Akane pulls the blankets over him. She regards him for a few
seconds, and then slumps back against the side of his bed and
falls asleep.)
(Scene changes to the dojo's dining room. P-Chan has managed
to open the door, and is walking across the room on his way
towards the bathroom. He is leaving small, muddy footprints
behind him.)
P-Chan: (sounding tired) Bhwee.
Kasumi: (from behind him) Oh my!
(P-Chan freezes, and then slowly turns around. Kasumi, a butcher
knife in one hand, is staring at him and the muddy tracks. The
Happy-Kasumi expression seems strangely predatory.)
Kasumi: (reprovingly) Now, P-Chan. You've gotten mud all over my
nice sterile floor. Whatever will we do with you?
P-Chan: Bhwee?
Kasumi: (brightly) Oh, I know. We'll make a glazed ham out of you!
P-Chan: BHHWWEEEEEEE! BHWEEEEEEEEEE!
(P-Chan scampers away, with Kasumi in pursuit. Scene changes to
Nabiki's room. Nabiki is on the phone, still typing away at the
laptop.)
Nabiki: Have we obtained controlling interest? Good.
(Phone makes talking buzz)
Nabiki: If Disney won't cooperate voluntarily, we'll send them a
message. Have Death-Commando Team 5 board a plane for Orlando
immediately.
(Crashing noise comes from out in the hall)
Nabiki: Buy Viz Video, by the way. I hear it has some new show,
Raisin 1/2 or something, that might be a hit.
(Scene change to P-Chan, who is hiding under a cabinet.)
Kasumi: (looking around the room) P-Chan! Oh, P-Chan! Come out,
come out! Kasumi has a nice little surprise for you...
(She leaves the room. P-Chan sighs with relief, until he hears a
hissing noise behind him. He turns, and sees the teapot advancing
on him. The spout is swaying in a manner similar to a snake, and
is noticeably fanged. P-Chan squeals, and dashes off.)
(Break for Commercial)
(Shot of everybody's favorite purple dinosaur talking to a bunch of
kids.)
Barney: Hi, kids! Today, we're going to talk about what to do when
your parents aren't home!
Voice over: Yes, that lovable guy Barney is back, with an all new
tape! Coming out in April, you too can buy your very own copy of
Barney's Fun Indoctrination Session!
Barney: If Mommy and Daddy leave their credit cards lying around,
what do we do?
Children: (together) Mail Barney the card and pin number!
Barney: Very good! That goes for loose cash, too. And when Barney
and his friend Guido arrive to take the appliances in your house
away for repairs, what do we do?
Children: (together) Open the door!
Barney: And what do we tell the police?
Children: (together) Big Bird did it!
Voice Over: Yes, introduce your kids to the magic of Barney today!
Barney: Remember, kids, Barney loves you much more than Mommy
and Daddy do!
Children: (together) Heil Barney!
(End of commercials)
(Morning at the Nekohanten. Cologne, looking rather peeved, is
rearranging jars and bottles.)
Cologne: (muttering) Something's not right. First my herbs and
spices being stolen right out from under my granddaughter's nose.
And NOW she didn't come home last night. Hmph. I don't know
whether to be upset or worried.
(Someone knocks at the door.)
Cologne: We're closed! Come back tomorrow!
Ranma: Its me! Open up, you old ghoul.
Cologne: Hold on. (she opens the door) Son-in-Law! Come in!
(Ranma and Akane enter. Cologne looks less than thrilled to see
Akane, but doesn't say anything.)
Ranma: We've got a few questions for you.
Cologne: All right. (Peers intently at Ranma) What's wrong with
you, son-in-law? You look like hell.
Akane: That's what we wanted to talk to you about. He was bitten
by a teacup.
Cologne: A what?
Ranma: A teacup. Me and Ryoga found it wandering around the dojo.
We caught it in a bag, but it got loose, grew fangs, and attacked
us.
Akane: And my dinner that I cooked seems to have walked off by
itself. By the way, thanks for being so reasonable with Nabiki. I
though you'd never sell me anything.
Cologne: What are you talking about, girl?
Akane: The spices and cookbook you sold to Nabiki, of course.
Cologne: So THAT's what happened to them! Girl, I didn't sell
anybody anything. That stuff was stolen the night before last.
Akane: (shocked) STOLEN? When I get my hands on Nabiki...I'm so
sorry, Cologne!
Ranma: Wait a minute. You were cooking with Cologne's spices?
The same kind of stuff that makes people love other people, or
can't stand hot water, or any of the other hundred things the old
troll here has done to me? Those spices? WHAT THE HELL WERE
YOU THINKING, AKANE?!?
Akane: WELL EXCUSE ME! I was just trying to make something you'd
like! Is that such a crime?
Ranma: Yes it is, as a matter of fact. Theft, to be precise.
Cologne: Shut up, Son-in-Law. Now Akane, what exactly did you
try to make?
Akane: I was going to combine the Teriyaki Chicken with the Wu-
Shu Pork, with a stew for a side dish.
Cologne: Hmm...How much Varaiyah Tea did you put in the sauce for
the pork?
Akane: Most of the cannister.
Cologne: Girl, that recipe called for half a teaspoon!
Akane: Yes, but that was just for one serving. The meal was going
to be for about seven people, plus leftovers.
Cologne: Dear, that cookbook was written for the Grand Feasts. If
you had read the introduction, you would have noticed that one
serving feeds 500 people.
Akane: (in a small voice) Oh.
Ranma: So what does that mean? What's this Varaiyah Tea stuff,
anyway?
Cologne: It's been called the Spice of Life. A pinch of it will
enhance perceptions, quicken reflexes, and speed up mental
processes. Warriors used to take it before going into battle.
Ranma: So? What does that have to do with the teacup, or Akane's
meal disappearing?
Cologne: In large doses, the tea can actually bring inanimate
objects to life.
Akane: So my meal is...
Cologne: ...probably roaming the city, yes. Still, its a good thing no
one ate any of it.
Ranma: Yeah, that's generally the case with Akane's meals.
(Akane glares at him.)
Akane: But why would eating my meal have been bad, if it does all
those positive things?
Cologne: That was in small doses. Large amounts grant you great
power, but also affect the mind. The user's desires and traits are
amplified and twisted, often in a negative, dangerous manner.
Ranma: They go nuts. Right.
Akane: Wait a minute...would a cup of tea be considered a large
dose?
Cologne: Yes. A safe dose would be a single tea leaf.
Akane: If that cup came to life through contact with the tea,
wouldn't that imply that someone in the house had drank a cup?
Ranma: I hate to say it, but you've got a point. (looks worried) But
who? I wasn't either of us, and it probably wasn't Ryoga.
(The door opens, and Shampoo and Kodachi enter.)
Cologne: Granddaughter! Where have you been?
Shampoo: I stayed at Crazy Petunia Lady's mansion.
Kodachi: Roses, dear.
Shampoo: (in ashamed tones) Grandmother, I...I have been defeated
in battle.
Cologne: (with disapproving look at Kodachi) Not by her, I hope.
Shampoo: No. By, (she gulps) by Nabiki Tendo.
Akane, Ranma, and Cologne: NABIKI?
Kodachi: She took both of us out at once. Threw us into a wall, and
then Ki-blasted us out the window. The little bitch didn't even
raise a sweat.
Akane: But that's insane! Nabiki's had some training, all the
Tendos have, but I can beat her easily every time we practice. She
shouldn't be any match for either of you!
Ranma: (Grimly) I think we know who drank the tea now.
Cologne: If you're right, Son-in-Law, she's a danger to everyone
she meets.
Akane: (gasps) Daddy! Kasumi! Mr. Saotome! She wouldn't hurt
them, would she?
Cologne: Not if they stayed out of her way. But she'd have no
qualms about killing any of them if she felt it would advance her
interests.
Ranma: Wait a minute! Nabiki may be an amoral blackmailer, but
she wouldn't...
Cologne: She isn't the Nabiki you knew. This Nabiki could care less
about whether any of you live or die.
Kodachi: Great. And Nabiki was always SO concerned about our
welfare before. She always did strike me as the disturbed type.
AhaHahAHAha.
(Everyone stares at Kodachi for a second.)
Akane: (under her breath) Thank you, Miss Stability.
Ranma: But can't we just stay out of her way until it wears off?
Cologne: (slowly shakes her head) Not with a dose that size. If it
isn't purged from her system within two weeks, the effects will
become permanent.
END OF EPISODE THREE