Ranma 1/2 : We Don't Need No Education
Episode 1
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic Series by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
// BETA COPY - NOT FOR GENERAL RELEASE
// Comments and Criticism to the list, or to
// twoflowr@glue.umd.edu. Don't make me beg. :)
(*Some* characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd
probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to
eat my own electronic organizer to live.)
(Author's note : This is a spinoff series, really, from Ranma
1/2. Trust me. It's just as whacked as the original is.)
-=-
"And THAT'S when I found out the ramen had some kind of weird
magical drug in it," Onsen Mark ranted. "After I had eaten it, of
course. And naturally, since she wasn't a student at this school
there wasn't much I could do in way of detention. I was
CONSIDERING giving that lout Ranma a few weeks of it for letting
her in the building, but he was already jumping out the window --
Out the WINDOW, of all places! -- to go fight that strange kid with
the umbrella that keeps showing up in class, and besides, Akane
pointed out the large hole in the wall the crazy purple haired girl
came in through of her own violition, and I haven't even MENTIONED
all those black rose petals I gotta clean up..."
Principal Kunou strummed his ukelele idly, listening to the
English professor rant and foam about current events. Principal
Kunou loved his school dearly, and had espirit up to here; but when
it actually came down to the little details, like budget reports,
equipment authorizational purchases or teachers complaining about
their jobs, he simply got bored and phased them out.
"...at least THERE, all you had to worry about was being
electrocuted and the occasional alien invasion!" Onsen Mark
finished. "KUNOU-SAN, you must do something about this... this
chaos!"
"Eh?" the Principal mumbled, mention of his name snapping him
out of the coconut fog his mind had become. "Oh, hai. Chaos.
Very bad indeed. I'll tell Hinako-chan."
Onsen Mark slammed his fist on the Principal's sky blue desk.
"That's not enough! Either you get these students under control,
or I QUIT!"
"Very well, if you quit, sionara," the Principal shrugged,
handing Onsen Mark a pink slip. "Thank you for choosing Furinkan
High for your educational needs."
Mark blinked, studying the tiny paper (which was written in
english, like all of the Principal's weird paperwork). "No, I
said, if you can't control them, I quit. Conditional."
"Yes, yes, you quit, I heard. Oh well. It was entertaining,
but now you bore me," Kunou-san said, tapping the button for his
Wilson trap door and sending Onsen Mark plummeting down a chute, en
route to the trash heap behind the building. How he loved that
trap door. Maybe he'd have an ejection system installed as well,
for variety. Up, AND Down. Ying and Yang. Very educational,
that.
Principal Kunou tapped the button on his hula-girl intercom
which he had recently purchased during his last trip to the
Promised Lands of Hawaii, Cradle of the World, Last Hope of Society
As He Knew It.
"Hinako-chan, take a memo," Kunou-san said. "'To Doc Martin's
Barber School -- Why haven't you recognized my skills and sent me
an honorary degree yet? Did you not recieve the last sixty letters
I have sent you? Your lack of attention is staggering. If you
were my student, I'd fail you. Maybe I'll make you an honorary
student just so I can fail you! HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME? SUBMIT OR
BE CRUSHED!!! Call again soon, hugs and kisses, Furinkan High
Principal and Overlord, Principal Kunou.' Oh, and hire another
English teacher."
*
Hinako frowned, finishing her notetaking. That was the fifth
English professor the Principal had gone through this semester!
Such a waste of resources.
Miss Hinako was a firm believer in resource management.
Anything which distracted from or impeded the educational process
had to be purged in order to maintain optimum student learning
potential! At least, that's what she thought when she was a big
girl. At the moment, she just thought it meant more annoying
paperwork, which wasn't fun or kawaii.
(Currently, Hinako-chan was quite -chan indeed, sitting on a
stack of dictionaries on the Swiss-designed ergonomic office chair,
looking like a kawaii little girl. She didn't look like a
Disciplinarian General of the school, but she was, by official
titling of the Principal. She liked the title. Thought it was
kawaii, in an intimidating sort of way.)
Well, paperwork or no paperwork, the school couldn't go
without an English professor. So, Hinako picked up the office line
and dialed out to the Board of Education.
'Hello, Board of Ed,' the voice responded.
"HIEEEE! This is Hinako-chan at Furinkan High!" Hinako piped
in with. "Ano, we lost our English teacher. Oh, it's so sad! We
sure could use another one. Can you send it today, pleeeeease?"
'Is this some sort of joke, kid?' the voice asked. 'Put
someone OFFICIAL on the line.'
Hinako frowned. Life was simpler in her younger form,
granted, but in a lot of ways... frustrating.
"Hai!! One second," Hinako said, setting down the phone,
hopping over the desk and out the door.
A few moments later, a hideous flood of yellow light surged
down the hall, and the screams of several students.
An absolute knockout of a woman, with long, curvy legs and
shapely hips walked back in a moment or two after that. For some
reason, she happened to have the same yellow dress Hinako-chan had.
Same size, too. She carefully lifted the dictionaries off the
chair, and sat down, fitting perfectly.
"Hello, this is the Disciplinarian General of Furinkan High,"
she said, voice dripping with ethos (and huskiness.)
'Uh, hai? How can we help you?' the man replied. You could
almost feel the steam over the copper phone lines.
"It's very simple, really. We require a replacement English
teacher for this semester on short notice," Hinako stated, twirling
the phone cord around one finger idly. "Would you happen to have
one available who could supply such a service?"
'Well, uh... no. I think you guys used the last one we had on
standby.'
Hinako frowned. "Are you certain?"
'There... IS another option.'
"We'll take it."
'But he's just a--'
Hinako hung up the phone.
*
.-----------------------------------------------------.
|Ranma 1/2 We Don't Need No Education OVA Special One!|
| Enter the Shiro! Will I Survive to Midterms? |
`-----------------------------------------------------'
*
Shiro looked up at Furinkan High School in awe, shock and a
kind of sinking feeling he was trying hard to ignore.
Awe, because this was his first teaching job. A REAL teaching
job. At a REAL SCHOOL! Okay, granted, it looked like every other
school he'd ever seen, but this was different; it was HIS school.
His new job, his new school. His school. Golly.
Shock, because he wasn't even done his college training in
education yet. It was almost like the tsunami of fate slammed into
the college of today and washed him to the job of tomorrow on the
surfboard of life. In the course of two days, it was suggested
(ordered, really) that he get alternative credit for all of his
classes by switching from his 18 credit semester to a full-time
internship at this. A school. A REAL school. His school. Gosh.
A sinking feeling, for reasons he couldn't explain. (It's a
shame humans ignore their dormant psychic powers of intuition,
really, it probably would have saved Shiro a great deal of mental
anguish in the long run.)
To a boy as optimistic, idealistic, and totally niave as
Shiro, the school was like looking at one of those pamphlets the
College of Education offers. Happy young boys and girls, playing,
studying, enjoying the primetime of their lives. Teachers
teaching! Coaches coaching! Trees falling!
Shiro blinked, and was rewarded with a large chunk of greenery
hitting his head for his own lack of attention. Lots of people
were around to see it fall, so it did indeed make a sound; all
Shiro made was sort of a sad little squeak.
"Hold still, Saotome, you wretch!" a voice boomed somewhere
over Shiro, as his world reeled from the double whammy of a trunk
in the face and leaves covering his eyes. From above came the
sounds of... fighting? Fighting at school? Surely something was
wrong here.
The young boy Shiro (not as young as the students, but close)
crawled out painfully from beneath the wreckage, just in time to
see what looked like a samurai warrior without the armor chasing a
boy who immediately used Shiro's head as a springboard.
Possibly from shock, possibly from concussion, or just to help
him deal with things, Shiro passed out.
*
Shiro woke, to find a wet towel over his eyes.
He pulled it away and sat up, inner ear immediately
protesting. He was in the nurse's office, likely; that explained
the beds, and various sick or injured students. Funny, there
shouldn't be this many occupied beds, accord to his training. They
always left room for a few more people, in case of disaster.
"Nurse Karou, got another for you," a female student said.
Shiro swivelled his head, again upsetting his headache, to see a
young girl with brown, pointy bangs drag in the samurai who wiped
him out. She had a few classmates assisting her, since the boy was
quite tall.
"I've got his usual bed cleared," a voice Shiro couldn't
source said. It wasn't a happy voice. Sounded a bit like
Professor Harumi from school, who had seven hours a day of freshman
classes to teach.
The girl and her partners dragged the samurai, who had
footprints all over his body, to a bed.
"Excuse me, Nurse?" Shiro offered, his first coherent words
since arriving on campus.
The Nurse pulled the curtain aside, that was obscuring Shiro's
view of her.
Shiro wished he could say the first think he noticed was her
beauty, which stretched to the heavens and beyond, without
comparison. Unfortunately, the first thing he noticed were the
rings under her eyes, a dark color that matched her slightly
unkempt long hair, contrasting off the white of a nurse's uniform.
"You're a bit tall for a student," she commented, with a tired
voice.
"Who, me?" Shiro asked, stupidly. "OH! No, no, I'm not a
student. I mean, I am a student, I'm just not a student here.
Although I don't know if I'm a full time student now that I've got
this--"
"Who are you?" the Nurse Karou asked directly.
"Uh, Shiro," Shiro said, climbing off the bed to properly bow
to the nurse. "I'm going to be the new English teacher here."
"Oh," Karou-san said, without enthusiasm. "I guess Mark
couldn't take it anymore."
Shiro looked around. "Um, Karou-san? If I may call you
that?"
"It's Karou Shi, actually. But Karou will do, or just Nurse."
"Ah, yes, Nurse. I was wondering, why are there so many
injured students here?"
Karou looked at Shiro like he had grown a another head. "How
many days have you been teaching here?"
"Uh, none, really. I just arrived."
"Oh," Karou stated. "You'll figure it out eventually. Trust
me on this."
*
Shiro was told to brace himself for entering the Principal's
Office, and was glad he did. He might have to bring sunglasses
next time.
The entire room had been done over in day glo colors, a
wraparound mural with a beachfront theme. Seagulls, cartoony but
loveable, cruised in still silence and watercolor paint. The
carpet had been colored the fine beige of sand, with the occasional
shell tossed around for color; plus, there was the huge sun lamp
stuck in the corner, blinding anybody who walked in, eventually
baking those who had to stay in here.
The Principal himself didn't seem to mind. A large, bulky
man, he wore clothes that matched this theme, which were sometimes
more painful to look directly into than the sun lamp. He had
shades on, and a smile that didn't just gleam, it reflected the
light with a little PINGGGG.
"Shiro-kun!!" he said, upon Shiro's entrance. The man got up,
and with two powerful sandal-clad strides, was pumping Shiro's hand
vigorously. "It is SO good to have you onboard here at Furinkan
High -- Bringing Education To The Next Level! Like it? I made it
up. You'd better like it. So, sit down, kick back, have a
margarita. Non-alc, of course, don't want you becoming a
boozehound and dropping the school into disgrace! Ha ha ha!"
"Uh, hi," Shiro said, not quite sure what else to say.
"So, Shiro-kun, got a last name?"
"Err, sir, Shiro is my last name."
"Ah, no, that's not how it works here," Kunou-sensei said. "I
recently wrote a rule into the school bylaws that all faculty will
adopt American naming patterns. Your last name is your family
name. We'll be filling out your checks this way, naturally."
"Oh, good," Shiro said, mentally preparing ways to explain
this to the bank so he could actually afford his rent. "My name is
Smi... Shiro. Shiro Smith."
"Smith, eh? That's an unusual name."
"Well, my father was american by way of Hawaii by way of Texas
by way of Kyoto," Shiro explained. "It's a long sto--"
"HAWAII!!" the Principal beamed, brighter than his 'sun'.
"Why, I didn't know you were native to the blessed isles! Why
didn't you tell me? How are they, anyway? Have they changed in
the last two weeks?"
"Uh, I don't know, I was two when we left," Shiro said.
"Ohhh... so sad. So tragic. We'll have to get you on our
Faculty Spring Break Trip to Hawaii! But that is for the future.
For now, there is work to be done."
"Hai! I'm looking forward to it," Shiro smiled.
"That's good! I like spirit. Now, there are some EETSY
BEETSY rules to cover first," Principal Kunou said, picking up his
weird shrunken guitar Shiro didn't recognize and strumming. "Rule
One : I Am Always Right. Rule Two : When I Am Wrong, Please Refer
To Rule One."
"Err..."
"Rule Three," Kunou-san said, plucking out sick little notes,
"I Make the Rules. Nobody Else. Me. I Make All The Rules And
They Will Be Obeyed Without Question. Your Unswerving Loyalty Is
Duly Appreciated. By the way, you'll need to shave your head."
"Nani?!" Shiro gaped.
"Rule Three," Kunou-san reminded him, grinning.
*
Shiro contemplated the electric clippers Kunou-san had given
him, looking into the men's washroom mirror.
Wasn't this pushing things a little? Shaving your head for a
job, it was just... just... a bit odd.
Of course, this entire school was a little odd. It LOOKED
normal, if you could overlook certain elements... which... you just
couldn't. The principal's office. The various broken fountains
and pipes around campus; recent breaks, too. And that strange boy
the samurai wannabe was chasing was fighting someone ELSE in the
halls as Shiro passed, someone in yellow -- not a school uniform,
either.
But Shiro wanted to succeed at this! His first posting, his
first job! They'd never let him have another one if he couldn't
get THIS right, no way, no how. So... shave he would.
Shiro fired up the clippers, which did not sound like a
chainsaw, but were close enough.
"Hey, hey, WAIT!!!" a voice yelped in alarm, grabbing Shiro's
wrist before he could make the first swipe with the shaver.
Shiro blinked, as the shaver was wrestled from his grasp and
clicked off, effectively disarmed. The man who took it was panting
and wheezing from the adrenaline rush. Or maybe it was just the
thick sweater he wore.
"You almost shaved your hair off, man!" he said, in shock.
"Well... of course... I mean, the Principal--"
"Oh no," the guy said, slapping his forehead (with the hand
NOT holding the shaver). "Okay. Let me guess. English?"
"Why, yes, I'm the fill-in for the English class--"
"Okay. Rule One," the fellow started. "Principal Kunou is a
Nut. Rule Two, Never Shave Your Head. Sure, he brings it up
later, but he's more lenient with the faculty, since he NEEDS
us..."
"You teach here too?" Shiro asked.
"Hai. Oko-sensei, from Computer Science," the sweater-clad
man said, bowing slightly. "I teach Pascal. My sister Oki teaches
C++."
"See what?"
"++. It's a language, like English. You seem kinda young for
a teacher..."
"Oh. I'm a student, actually. The department insisted that
I needed some field training, though..."
"Suckered another one in. Ouch," Oko laughed. "Well, don't
worry, it's bad, but it's not as bad as it looks. The kids here
are just a bit... high-spirited. Some of them are really talented,
actually, even if they don't take my classes.."
"Wait. Back up. Suckered? How many teachers came before
me?" Shiro asked.
"Uh... okay, there was Mark... I think we had Urd for awhile,
'til she swapped to chem... there was this guy who kept ranting
about the springtime of youth... that drunk with the light blue
Nike running suit... a lot, really," Oko shrugged. "I'm sure
you'll do fine, though."
"Eh heh," Shiro laughed nervously. "Yeah... they're good
kids, really. Umm. One more question?"
"Shoot, bud."
"Where is my class, anyway?"
*
"*I would like to buy some bread and cheese,*" Shiro said, in
fluent English.
"*I could like to fry some red and peace,*" most of the class
replied.
Shiro sighed. Apparently, the other English teachers hadn't
had much success. But Shiro could persevere, and teach them; heck,
he had already made progress today! Before, it was Zed and Meece.
"Are there any questions?" Shiro asked, because he was told in
his own classes that it's important to encourage class
participation.
A hand went up to Shiro's right, which Shiro recognized. A
boy in an odd red satin shirt -- again, lack of adherence to the
school uniform -- stood up.
"Yeah, I was wonderin', why aren't we being told anything we
could actually USE in America?" the boy asked.
"Well, umm... er..."
"Ranma," Ranma filled in.
"Well, Ranma, these phrases are very useful," Shiro said,
trying to find a good use he could mention. "Say... well, say you
were on vacation in Disneyland--"
"I thought Disneyland was in Tokyo," a random student said.
"No, it's in Florida," another replied.
"Please, please, Ranma has the floor," Shiro said. "Anyway,
um, so you're in Disneyland, and you have an urge for some bread
and cheese. You wouldn't be able to get any. Um. If you didn't
know that phrase."
"Yeah, but who eats bread and cheese?" Ranma frowned. "Now,
if *I* was looking for food, I'd go for some sukiyaki and ramen!"
Shiro was about to explain that Mickey Mouse didn't provide
sukiyaki when the wall collapsed.
Shiro ducked under his desk, which was standard procedure for
an earthquake, but there were no aftershocks. Just a really high
pitched laugh, and :
"Aya! Ranma want ramen, Shampoo provide!"
"Shampoo, we're in the middle of class!"
"Good food wait for no one. Say aaaah."
"Aaaahh..."
"RANMA! How can you think about food at a time like this, you
baka?"
"Hey, who you callin' a baka, you tomboy?"
And a multitude of crashes, which were probably desks being
thrown. Shiro considered the relative merits of just staying
hidden under his desk, but that would be cowardly -- this was HIS
class, after all! And he would control it!
"Now, see here--" Shiro started, crawling out from under the
desk.
The room was empty, in a state of ruins, and one window had
been broken open.
Shiro gaped, and ran to the window, careful not to touch the
broken glass. Fortunately, they were on the first floor, so nobody
fell and got hurt; but for some reason, several of his students had
taken this opportunity to catch a little sunshine and start hitting
each other.
"Hey, class isn't over!!" Shiro called out to the short-haired
girl who was swinging her backpack at the strange girl with blue
hair, and big... spherelike things on sticks. "Get back in here!"
The schoolgirl, surprised by Shiro's voice, didn't quite do a
correct follow through on her swing, and Shiro got a great view of
a schoolbag coming at him, before he blacked out.
*
Fighting off the sense of deja vu, Shiro got out of the health
room bed.
The room was a bit different than his last visit; it was
empty. In fact, the lighting had changed, moonlight streaming in
through the solitary window, instead of sunlight. How long WAS he
out? What happened?
"Hell of a first day, huh?"
Shiro turned, noticing Nurse Karou sitting at his bedside for
the first time.
"You could say that," Shiro said, rubbing the spot where the
Nurse had put several band aids. "Where is everybody?"
"Home," Karou sighed, putting the wet washcloth away. "School
ended a long time ago. Your students say they're very sorry, and
the nice girl with the maces gave you a bowl of ramen in apology.
I wouldn't eat it, mind you."
"Why? Bad seasoning?" he asked.
"No, Tricholaral SO-4 Phosphate. It stimulates the sexual
desire functions of the brain."
Shiro grabbed his nose, fighting the oncoming bleed.
"Sheesh, you're jumpy," Karou said.
"What on earth would a student want with THAT?!" Shiro asked.
And Karou did something that probably should have been done
before Shiro came within six miles of the building. Something that
was so totally important that everybody had totally forgotten to
tell him.
She told him about Ranma. And all his little friends.
*
Shiro stared at the wall, numb from shock.
"Lesse, did I leave anything out..." Karou thought. "Well,
there was this crossdressing boy who liked disguises that came
around looking for Ukyou and caused a few scenes, but that was
minor. I haven't seen him in awhile."
"Gosh..." Shiro mumbled.
"It's Kunou and Ryouga who are the real troublemakers, and
Kunou moreso," Karou explained, like she was describing the
weather. "Ryouga doesn't go here, after all, he just shows every
week or two. Then there's Shampoo. Hinako-san has the
construction crew on speed dial. Poor girl just doesn't know about
doors, really..."
"Why... WHY hasn't the Principal done something!?"
"Who, Kunou-sensei? Feh. He can't. Ranma's one of the few
folks who can get away with anything," Karou stated. "The
Principal has tried to stop him, but couldn't. Secretly, I think
Kunou-sensei likes the mayhem. He likes students with spirit, and
those guys have spirit to spare."
Shiro laughed slightly. "That's so... strange. What an
interesting school! Dangerous, but interesting. Mind you, I THINK
I'm going to have to turn down my internship here... I bruise
easily..."
Karou sighed, rubbing her temples. "I figured. There's no
shame in it, really. Get out while you can."
Shiro pondered this, something in his brain not quite
clicking. "Wait. Karou, if you don't like it here, why don't you
leave?"
"I can't," Karou said. "Someone... someone's got to look
after these kids. Toufuu-sam...-sensei mainly handles Ranma and
Akane, but the others... they get just as injured, and they need
help. If I left, this place would fall apart."
"Ohh," Shiro said, nodding. "A sense of duty. Very good."
Karou yawned, deep, and long. Shiro blinked, realizing the
extent of the Nurse's fatigue; it was hard to see in the light, but
if it was possible, she looked worse than she did when Shiro first
met her. Not WORSE, as in ugly, just... unhealthy.
"Maybe you should get some sleep," Shiro suggested.
"Duty, yes, very good," Karou said, barely hearing Shiro.
"I'd pass off the duty, if I could find someone else that could
handle it... like you, I was a temporary replacement, but I was the
only one who stayed more than a week..."
"Oh."
"It's an exhaustive job. I can't recall the last time I got
a good night's sleep. But hey, it's a living. A lonely, boring,
horrible living, but a living..."
"Ummm..." Shiro started.
"I put your coat and things over there, with mine," Karou
said, pointing to another bed. "I also got out a resignation form,
figuring... well, like I said, no shame. Was nice knowing you.
Hang on, I'll fetch'um."
"No, it's okay, miss..." Shiro said.
Karou was fast asleep, the horizontalness achieved by leaning
across a nearby bed enough to put her under. Zzzzzzzz.
At that moment, looking at the tired, overworked, but still...
rather kawaii nurse, Shiro had a Moment. It was a moment of
realization, a moment of clarity; one of those sweet moments where
everything in the universe clicks into place, and everything
becomes understandable.
Then he lost it, distracted by a large posted of Kunou-sensei
reading 'ALOHA! DON'T DO DRUGS' in neon yellow. But he managed to
scrabble for that Moment and recover it quickly.
The realization was this : He didn't really feel SORRY for
Nurse Karou. Or pity. He... he loved her.
No, he didn't know where THAT notion came from. But something
about her, the way she talked, how she carried herself despite the
burden, Shiro found amazing... the strength she employed in life,
without appearing superhuman. He was never really comfortable with
girls, who were usually very chatty with him or very aloof, since,
frankly, he was sort of a nebbish... but Karou just talked to him.
Straightforward. Not unkind, not kind. It was unique. It
radiated something he hadn't felt radiated before, and he was drawn
to it like a moth to flame, despite moths being burned alive and
crashing from the fires they're drawn to. In short, the full
story, the gist of it, was love.
Maybe he'd put off resigning.
Maybe he'd just sort of hang around and see if he could bring
his English class back on the path of righteous eduational merit.
Maybe he'd have to get a towel to stop the nosebleed he got
from pondering could be done about a heavy sleeping nurse on a bed
in an empty school building.
One thing at a time, mind you.
*
COMING SOON :
OVA 1 : Enter the Shiro! Will I Survive to Midterms?
OVA 2 : Veteran of the Physics Wars! Dr. Hentekosuki vs.
Gobugari-sensei!
OVA 3 : A Stressful Spring? Karou-san Gets Away From It All!
OVA 4 : Oko-kun and Oki-chan's Big Secret? The Mystery of 302A!
OVA 5 : I WILL Kill You! The Great English Class Tournament of
Champions!
OVA 6 : Final Days? No Tenure for Furinkan!