Gee...so much love floatin' round the ML today. Anyway, we have a
name... Episode one is now "Guess what's coming to dinner", Thanks to Ben
D. for the name. The whole series (I see about 8 episodes) will be
refered to as The Nameless Saga, at least until I can think of something
cooler. Errata: The Opening Theme is JnS, the first season music. This
and the first were written to Devo's "Working In The Coal Mine", Cheap
Trick's "Reach Out" and "I must be Dreamin", KMFDM's "Juke-Joint Jezebel",
Gravity Kills's "Goodbye", Bach's Fugues and Toccatas, Countless stuff by
The Pogues, and Pink Floyd's "One of these Days". This should give you an
idea of my mental state, or province if you're Canadian. :-)
I live for C&C. Gowan, post it. :-)
------------------------------------------------On with the show----------
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| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. |
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____) The Nameless Saga
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Characters and Backstory by Rumiko Takahashi-MegaSan. Ranma = Hers, okay?
The Fanfic is the fault of Michael Loader. So there
-------------------------Episode Two - Frankenstein, Eat Your Heart Out----
(The dining room, later that night. Gaping holes and splintered
furniture seem to have appeared since the last episode. Kasumi is
trying to effect repairs. She is sweeping bits of table up when
Nabiki enters.)
Kasumi: Why hello, Nabiki.
Nabiki: (surveying the room) Boy, Akane sure did a number on the
place this time. (Whips out notebook) I'd better get started.
Kasumi: What are you doing?
Nabiki: Totaling up the amount of rare, antique chairs that were
destroyed by the rampaging drug-crazed bikers.
Kasumi: What are you talking about? You saw what happened;
Akane accused Ranma of hiding her meal, Ranma denied it and used
the t-word, and Akane.....(gestures at the room)....I wish they
would go outside before they argue. But there were no bikers, and
we would never keep anything rare in the Dojo.
Nabiki: What the insurance people don't know won't hurt us.
Besides, they're getting off easy. Akane causes far more damage
than any drug-crazed biker could, although the policy doesn't
agree, of course.
(The two work in silence. Eventually, they stop to rest.)
Kasumi: Would you like some tea, Nabiki?
Nabiki: Yeah, sure. Thanks sis.
(Kasumi wanders into the kitchen. A tired-looking Shinto Priest is
packing up various equipment.)
Priest: The exorcism is done, ma'am. The kitchen is now safe.
You'll get our bill in the morning.
Kasumi: Oh, good. Daddy was so worried about the eldritch
chanting coming from the Pop-Tarts box.
(He stalks out, muttering about horrible gibbering knuckles.)
Kasumi: Now let's see. (She picks up a near empty cannister)
"Varaiyah Tea"....that should make an interesting change. And
there's just enough left for two cups! (sets it on the counter)
(She puts some hot water on, and turns to get a teapot and two
cups. Behind her, on the counter, the cannister pulses with a
golden light...)
Kasumi: (Still reaching for the cups) A good cup of tea after a
good day's work is always so pleasant.
(scene changes to the street outside the dojo. Happosai, armed
with a flashlight, is peering cautiously into bushes.)
Happosai: (muttering to himself) Attack a old man, eh? Expose
himself in public, will he? Well, not in my neighborhood! We don't
go for sex perverts around here, and I'm gonna teach this one a
lesson!
(He briefly pauses his search to take out and fondle a bra.)
Happosai: (piously) Fear not, Nerima! Happosai will ensure that
perversion is driven from the city!
(There is a rustling in the bushes nearby. Happosai starts, then
dashes over.)
Happosai: Pervert! Feel the wrath of Happosai, defender of
decency! (Jumps into the rustling bushes.)
(The garden. Genma and Soun are sitting on the porch.)
Genma: Well, Tendo, that was quite an evening. The dining room is
destroyed, no one knows what happened to Ranma, and Akane
won't even talk to Kasumi.
Soun: Yes. You're right, we did get off easy. Imagine actually
having had to eat that meal.
Genma: I'd rather not, thank you.
(A scream is heard.)
Soun: That sounded like the master!
Genma: He must be in trouble!
Soun: We must go to him!
Genma: Otherwise, he may escape unharmed!
(They vault over the garden wall. The scene shifts to the kitchen.
Kasumi and Nabiki are finishing their tea.)
Nabiki: Oneechan, this stuff is great! Where did you get it? Any
chance of buying it directly from the source?
Kasumi: I don't know where it came from. It was in a cannister in
the kitchen. Akane must have bought it.
Nabiki: Oh. (looks a bit nervous, then shrugs and drains her cup)
Okay.
(They get up, and go back to work. Neither of them notice the
teapot and cups suddenly flare with light, then sprout legs and
crawl away.)
Kasumi: Amazing how a cup of tea will reenergize you! I feel like I
could clean the whole house...
Nabiki: I know what you mean.
(scene shifts to the street outside the dojo. Happosai is
desparately fighting off what appears to be a giant ambulatory
bread pudding. The thing is shifting its form to avoid Happosai's
attacks, and attacking with tentaclelike pseudopods. The fight
seems to be a stalemate.)
Happosai: Die, you amorphous pervert!
(He pulls out a lit fuse bomb, and tosses it at the thing, blowing a
small hole in it.)
Creature: WWWWOOOAAAGGGHHHH!
(Genma and Soun arrive on the scene. They stare in horror at the
scene.)
Soun: My god! This is a nightmare! The Master is winning!
Genma: (yelling) Don't worry, eldritch horror from the nethermost
pits of Hades! We'll save you!
(The two rush forward, and grab Happosai.)
Happosai: Let me go! The pervert must be destroyed!
Genma and Soun: Our thoughts exactly.
(They toss Happosai into the hole in the thing. The hole reseals.)
Genma: Foul thing! You have eaten the master!
Soun: How can we ever repay you?
(The thing looks distinctly ill, which, considering the fact that it
has no facial features, is quite an accomplishment. It begins to
flow towards Soun and Genma, who begin backing away. The thing
flows faster.)
Genma: Tendo, while I would never run from a fight...
Soun: Neither, of course would I...
Genma: ....I just remembered an appointment I (he dodges a
psuedopod) have in town. I must be going. (He runs away)
Soun: Wait, Saotome! I shall come with you!
(Soun runs after Genma. The thing flows after Soun.)
Thing: WWWOOOOAAARRRGGGHHH!
(Scene changes to the Tendo bathroom. A nervous looking Ranma is
trying to hide under a pile of laundry, with little success. Ryoga
enters.)
Ranma: (not turning to see who it is) HonestAkaneIhadnothingto do
with....
Ryoga: Take it easy, Ranma. It's just me.
Ranma: Ryoga! Have you seen Akane? Is she still after me?
Ryoga: I don't know. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure how I feel
towards you myself. On the one hand, you have made Akane very
unhappy (his eyes go angry)...
Ranma: Me? How? I didn't DO anything!
Ryoga: ...but on the other hand, you probably saved all our lives by
stealing her meal. (he looks curious) How did you manage that,
anyway?
Ranma: Haven't you been listening to me?!? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Nothing! Nil, zip, zero, nyet, nein, nada!
Ryoga: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. Right. I suppose it just got up and
walked away? I don't believe...
(The door opens and one of the teacups enters. It hops, walks, and
climbs its way to the tap, which it turns on. It procedes to fill
itself with water. Then it hops down, and walks out, sloshing
water all over the floor in the process. Ranma and Ryoga just
stare.)
Ryoga: Then again, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
(Break for Commercial)
(Obviously animated scene showing two ludicrously steroid types
in spike-festooned clothing. One of the two punches the other,
who falls down spitting blood. The first guy then decapitates,
disembowels, mutilates, and chops up the downed fighter. Then he
eats him. Then he sprays some nearby children with machine gun
fire. Bambi bounds onto the scene, and the guy kills him, too.)
Voice-over: Now in stores, Final Lethal Raging Street Kombat
Showdown 7! More fatalities! More blood! More graphic depictions
of unspeakable carnage, with the new AUTO-DECAY feature that
lets you watch the corpses of your victims rot! Oh yeah, and I
think there's a part of the game where you get to fight, but I'm
not sure.
(The guy tears the head off a cute little puppy, then clubs baby
harp seals to death with a spiked mace.)
Voice-over: May not be suitable for children under 4.
(End of commercials)
(The Kuno Mansion. Kuno, Kodachi, and Sasuke are eating a late
dinner.)
Kuno: Dear Sister, what is the name of this most delicious spice
you have added to the Ramen?
Kodachi: Tenopyhilac Tribarbitol, brother.
(Sasuke turns pale, and dashes off.)
Kuno: It is delicious. May I inquire as to why you have not gifted
our paletes with this heavenly additive before?
Kodachi: Because it is illegal in over 50 nations, due to its
extreme lethality.
(Sasuke returns with a pill bottle.)
Sasuke: Here, take this, Master Kuno.
Kuno: And what is this, faithful retainer?
Sasuke: It is the antidote to the poison Mistress Kuno has laced
the food with.
Kuno: Ah, excellent! (swallows the pill) Kodachi, you must use
that poison again. It is far better tasting than most of your
others.
Sasuke: Indeed, Master...(stops in midsentence)...Hark! I hear the
sound of a intruder!
(Sasuke races for the door, which he reaches just in time to have
kicked down on him. Shampoo stands in the doorframe, looking
really pissed.)
Shampoo: Nihao, Crazy Orchid Lady! Return spices and book or
prepare to die!
Kuno: I shall retire to my study. You two ladies have my
permission to stay. Come, Sasuke!
(Kuno leaves. Sasuke weakly crawls out from under the shattered
door and drags himself after Kuno.)
Kodachi: For the last damn time, these are roses. (tosses one at
her) Now, what exactly is it that you want?
Shampoo: You have stolen Grandmother's spices!
Kodachi: Sorry, but no. I can think of no reason why I would ever
want to take some old Chinese hag's pathetic little kitchen set.
Why on Earth do you think I did?
Shampoo: I find this (holds up black petal) in kitchen this morning!
Kodachi: Let me see that. (takes petal, looks at it closely) I see.
Come with me, Hairspray.
Shampoo: That's Shampoo, psycho.
Kodachi: Whatever.
(Kodachi leads Shampoo down several hallways, until they emerge
in a huge greenhouse. Not surprisingly, all of the plants are black
roses.)
Kodachi: Ah, look at my beauties. Each genetically engineered to
perfection, each perfect in every way. HaHaHAhahahAha!
(This gets her a dubious/nervous look from Shampoo.)
Kodachi: Anyway, take a look at this.
(She takes a clear pitcher of water and drops the petal in. The
water begins to turn black. After a while, Kodachi takes out the
petal, which is now pink.)
Kodachi: You see? Its just a common inferior red rose petal dyed
black. No Kuno Black Rose petal would be caught dead hanging
around your grungy little lowerclass restaurant.
Shampoo: Then why...
Kodachi: Use your admittedly limited mind, Conditioner. Someone
is taking advantage of my undeserved reputation for villainy to
mask their own involvement.
Shampoo: That's Shampoo. Okay, I believe you. But who do
something so devious, underhanded, unscruplous, sleazy...
Kuno: (heard yelling) Sasuke! Nabiki Tendo will be arriving
tomorrow afternoon with more photos of her sister. Remove an
appropriate sum from the safe.
(Shampoo and Kodachi slowly turn to look at each other, and
slowly nod.)
Kodachi: What do you say we....
Shampoo: ...Teach Tendo a lesson? Crazy Lotus Lady has a deal.
Kodachi: ROSES, damnit, roses.
(Zoom out on the mansion. Kodachi and Shampoo's laughter fill the
ears.)
(scene changes to a steet in Nerima. Soun and Genma are still
running, and the thing is still chasing them. Problem is, Soun and
Genma are getting tired and the thing isn't.)
Genma: (panting) Can't run *puff* any further. We make *puff* our
stand here, Tendo.
Soun: (also panting, and crying) We shall go down together,
Saotome. Goodbye, *sob* my darling girls!
(The two back up against a wall and prepare to go down fighting.
The thing slides forward, and is about to attack, when...
...A car comes speeding down the road at about 210 mph, running
over the thing. The driver sticks his head out the window and
looks back.)
Bean: Sorry 'bout that.
(A horde of police cars, with some guy in front raving about
busting roads, goes roaring past in pursuit. They also flatten the
thing. Soun and Genma just stand there for a moment.)
Soun: The drivers these days. No respect for the rights of
pedestrians.
Genma: Exactly. I think the maniac in front was American, too.
Soun: (sadly) Don't these tourists realize that they are guests in
our country?
(They walk back towards the dojo. Zoom in on the now flat Thing.
Slowly but surely, it begins to pull itself up off the road.)
Thing: wwhhooougggaarrr...ppanntttiieeessss...wwwoohhhrrgghhh...
(It slithers away.)
(Break for Commercial)
(Clip showing a mountain lion rending a screaming child.)
Voice over: Between 1986 and 1995, over 300 people were killed
by mountain lions.
(lion settles down to snack.)
Voice over: The horrible carnage continued, until...
(Happy music starts to play, and the scene shifts to show a man in
a sea captain's uniform saluting the flag.)
Voice over: ...until, at great risk to himself and his crew, Captain
A.J. Williusun heroically slammed his oil tanker into the Oregon
coastline, destroying the area's ecosystem, and driving the
mountain lion to extinction. The northwest was safe once again.
(Shot of cheering crowds. The music swells.)
Voice over: Scumco Oil knows that the survival of the human race
comes above all else. And we're proud to save lives by driving
dangerous predators like the mountain lion and spotted owl to
extinction. Scumco: Humanity Uber Alles.
(End of commercials)
(Zoom on the dojo. Inside, Ranma and Ryoga are standing in front
of Akane's door. Ryoga is holding a squirming bag.)
Ranma: Thanks again, Ryoga. I really appreciate this.
Ryoga: I'm doing this for Akane, not you. I don't like to see her so
upset. So I'm still going kill you one of these days, make no
mistake.
Ranma: Huh. Right.
(He knocks. After a few minutes, Akane answers.)
Akane: Hello, RyogRANMA! YOU...(Out comes the mallet...)...BAKA!
(Ryoga hastily steps in front of Ranma)
Ryoga: Akane, listen to me. He may be a jerk...
Ranma: HEY!
Ryoga: ...but I don't think what happened at dinner was his fault.
Akane: (still mad but no longer violent) Oh really? And why is
that, pray tell?
Ryoga: Because we saw a teacup walk into the bathroom and fill
itself.
(Silence. Akane stares at the two, who have absolutely straight
faces.)
Akane: Someone must think I'm awfully stupid.
(She begins to shut the door. Ryoga grabs it. Out comes the
mallet.)
Ryoga: Akane, waitURK!
(Wham. Akake slams Ryoga in the head; he drops like a stone. The
bag flys open, and the teacup rolls out. It stands up. Akane
stares.)
Akane: Then again, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
(Suddenly, the teacup sprouts big, sharp, nasty fangs from around
it's rim. It snarls, and leaps for Akane's throat.)
Ranma: AKANE!
(He lunges, swinging his arm out in an intercepting punch. It
connects, but the cup bites down hard on his arm and begins to dig
in. Ranma screams in pain.)
Akane: Ranma! Let go of him, you little monster!
(She swings the mallet like a baseball bat, striking it from Ranma
and onto the floor. It stands, wobbling a little, and prepares to
charge again.)
Ryoga: Uhhhhh...my head....(he sees the teacup, and slings a
headband at it. The cup is cut in half. Ranma, holding his shoulder
tightly to stop the flow of blood from his wound, walks over to
inspect it.)
Ranma: This thing is actually bleeding....It's flesh!
(He slumps a little, the blood is really flowing from the wound.)
Akane: I think we'd better take you to Doctor Tofu.
Ranma:Naw, that's..(A wave of dizziness rushes over him, he
sways)...Okay. I'll go. But I think you're gonna have to walk me
there.
(Akane exits with Ranma, helping him walk. Ryoga is still slumped
were he fell, rubbing his head.)
Ryoga: Don't everybody thank me all at once...
(Scene changes to Nabiki's room. Nabiki, sitting on her bed with a
laptop, is typing at a furious rate. There is an intense, maniac
gleam in her eye, and she appears to be glowing faintly. Suddenly
the window is shattered by a thrown gymnastics club. Shampoo
and Kodachi jump through.)
Shampoo: Nihao, Thief. Where you put spices?
Kodachi: Any last words, Nabiki?
Nabiki: (Not looking up from the laptop) Go away.
Kodachi: AhaHAHahahAhaHAha! Shall we, Styling-gel?
Shampoo: That's Shampoo. Yes, we shall.
(They jump, screaming, at Nabiki. Without apparant effort, Nabiki
grabs them in midair, one in each hand. She throws them into the
far wall. They leave dents.)
Nabiki: Now go away. Before I hurt you.
(Shampoo and Kodachi stagger to their feet and exchange grim
looks.)
Shampoo: Crazy Hibiscus Lady ready for second try?
Kodachi: They're roses, for Pete's sake.
Shampoo: Who Pete? Why he drink sake?
Kodachi: Figure of speech. GET HER!
(They charge, waving bonbori and razor hoops. Nabiki stands and
faces them.)
Nabiki: You asked for it. TAO-KIKOUSHO!
(Twin bolts of Ki-energy shoot from her hands, slamming Kodachi
and Shampoo out the window.)
Nabiki: Good riddance.
(Nabiki resumes her frantic typing. Her body begins to pulse
rapidly with golden light....)
END OF EPISODE TWO