RANMA 1/2:
                        SCHLOCK TREATMENT
            based on "Shock Treatment" by Richard O'Brien
                  and "Ranma 1/2" by Rumiko Takahashi
                  
======================================================================
    (We open with the "20th Century Schlocks" logo and theme music 
then cut to a darkened office where a shadowy figure, Renaldo Satori, 
sits smoking a cigar. The shot is in freeze frame while the credits 
roll near the bottom of the screen, during which we hear...)

Narrator: Once upon a time...in a town, uh, pretty far from yours, 
there lived a real strange guy. His life was strange, his friends 
were strange, *heh* even his FOOD was strange. But that wasn't what 
he wanted. He wanted to be normal, normal with someone else. a real 
kawaii girl. Trouble was, she was in the arms of...some other weirdo. 
(<boing>)

<Music: "Schlock Treatment Overture">
   
   (The frozen scene comes to life, showing the office to be the 
control booth of a large TV station. The NTV logo appears on the 
monitors as the camera pulls back to reveal that the control booth is 
inside a giant neon sign reading "Nerima---the Seat of Strangeness." 
The camera pans down to show the audience's seats where Nabiki, 
Shinnosuke, Sasuke, Ryoga and Shampoo sit chatting, while Gosunkugi 
looks over a clipboard. The Guide comes down a set of stairs and 
motions to the people in the seats that it's time. Everyone gets up 
and begins moving out of the seating area.
    The camera follows Gosunkugi as he walks up to a catwalk area to 
the dressing room, knocks and enters as Ms. Hinako comes out carrying 
some costumes. She continues walking on the catwalk, rounds a corner, 
and nearly runs into an anime extra playing make-up girl. Ms. Hinako 
pulls out a coin)

Hinako: HAPPO-FIVE YEN SAT-SU!

    (Said extra collapses on the catwalk, Ms. Hinako continues, 
passing another door, where Gosunkugi comes out. They pass each 
other. The camera returns to following Gosunkugi who walks down a set 
of spiral stairs. He comes off the stairs next to "Tsubasa's Tea 
Trolley." Tsubasa, disguised as a coffee pot, is serving various 
employees of NTV. Gos chats with them for a few seconds. The camera 
follows him as he passes MonLon and Lychee [in cheerleader outfits] 
who are not yet in their places, and walks onto the "Nerima" set. The 
"N" is done in a tasteful checkerboard pattern. Kasumi sits sewing at 
a table set in the "N's" alcove. The E is done in cinderblock, where 
Soun is leaning out to call to Kasumi.)

Soun: You'll do great, Kasumi!

    (Gosunkugi continues to the R, done in bamboo and looking a lot 
like the Jusenkyo springs, where the Guide is organizing his signs. 
The I is white with a huge red dot in the center. Ryoga, also not in 
place, is to the right of the I, adjusting his tie. The M is done in 
wood grain and looks like an insurance salesman's office. The A looks 
like the front of the Nekohanten. Shampoo is standing here, 
straightening her dress.
    Gos continues walking, pulls out a garage door opener and clicks 
it at the huge NTV door. The door slides open, admitting a mess of 
anime extras in various forms of dress. If one looks fast enough, 
they can catch characters from UY and Maison Ikkoku in the mix. The 
camera follows the audience. In the background, one can see Dr. Tofu 
and Ukyou preparing for the beginning of broadcast. In the wave of 
audience members we see Ranma and Akane. Ranma stops in the middle of 
the audience defiantly.)

Ranma: No way, Akane! I refuse to sit here for god-knows-how-long 
just to watch some stupid TV show being taped!

Akane: Come on, you baka! We promised everyone we'd be here!

Ranma: No way!
    
    (Akane brings out the ol' hyperdimensional hammer, clonks Ranma 
and drags him to their seats. As the mob gets seated, the camera pans 
upward to the neon sign, where the heart shaped windo we saw the 
control booth through earlier has been filled with a red plastic 
inlay. The camera zooms in on the plastic, then cuts to the monitor 
wall where the NTV logo reappears. Then we focus on one monitor where 
the opening of "Nerima Nagger" [a magazine type show] is playing. We 
then cut to a wide shot of the "Nerima" set, where everyone is in 
place [N=Kasumi E=Soun R=Guide I=MonLon & Lychee M=Ryoga A=Shampoo]. 
Nabiki turns to the camera and sings...)

<Song: Nerima Anthem>

Nabiki: You'll find revenge-based plots
        and Magic verses
        and all sorts of
        Jusenkyo Curses
        In Nerima

Soun: You'll find a sparring ground (breaks block)
      And a fighting place.

Kasumi: And people sailing
        into Outer Space (everyone looks at her.)
        Hey, it rhy-imed.

Guide: You'll find odd engagements
       and bizzare plot twists
       Nerima give most real guys fits
       Kidnapping and forced dating
       Not that the girls aren't (whistles)
       Worth marrying.

Lychee & MonLon: You may say we're not all together upstairs
                 If you ask us, we just don't care
                 that "N-E-R-I-M-A" goes musical
                 Just for today!

Ryoga: If you think this whole idea is twisted.

Shampoo: You're gonna wish that you had missed it

Ryoga: 'Cause it's gonna get worse

Shampoo: Yes, it's gonna get worse

Both: It gets worse!

Audience: Nerima-ima, it's so nice to see ya!
          Its gonna a be a real weird day!
          Nerima-ima, we hate to leave ya
          Cause if we do
          We're pretty shue (read: sure)
          That we'll be arrested pretty soon!

Kasumi: This is the home of "Ranma 1/2"

Soun: The best series ever made!

Kasumi: Created by Rumiko Takahashi

Soun: It's the, um, best series ever made! (grins sheepishly)

Shampoo: Story-wise, we use a lot of plots

Ryoga; Cause weird ideas just work an awful lot

MonLon & Lychee: And Reality can go away and rot!

Audience: Nerima-ima, it's so nice to see ya
          It's gonna be a real weird day!
          Nerima-ima, we hate to leave ya
          Cause if we could
          We probably would
          End up in a jail cell somewhere

(Ryoga does a three-second drum solo with a couple of phones)

Audience: Nerima-ima, it's so nice to see ya
          It's gonna a be a real strange day!
          Nerima-ima, we hate to leave ya
          Cause if we did
          All of our kids
          Would burn the place down to the ground!

(End music. Audience sits. Cut to Ukyou sitting at a desk with Dr. 
Tofu. CAPTION: Ukyou Kuonji.)

Ukyou: Well, that shows the fanfic's off to a lousy start. So let's 
do something constructive, like talk to Dr. Tofu. 

(cut to Dr. Tofu. CAPTION: Dr. ? Tofu.)

Ukyou: Dr. Tofu?

Tofu: Yes?

Ukyou: Did you enjoy the first musical number of this fanfic?

Tofu: In a way.

Ukyou: I can tell you're lying through your teeth, Doctor. Are you 
perhaps one of those amongst us who lie for the sake of not hurting 
other people's feelings?

Tofu: Well, Ukyou, there are many things to consider when criticizing 
the writing capabilities of the author. There is syntax...

(During the above dialogue, Nabiki and her crew have come out to get 
some shots of the audience. She runs up to chat with Ranma and Akane.)

Nabiki: Hi, Ranma. Hi, Akane. Come to see "Dating Disater?"

Tofu: Grammar.

Nabiki: I'm beat! I tell you, it's a good thing Renaldo's paying me 
so much for doing this documentary.

Akane: Who?

Tofu: Spelling.

Nabiki: Renaldo Satori, he bought the station. (shudders.)

Tofu: Character development.

Nabiki: I tell you, that man has more money than anyone else in this 
burg.

Tofu: And, of course, whether or not the author will ruin you in 
later pages. And having said that, I can render my unbiased opinion.

Ukyou: Which is?

Tofu: No comment.

Ukyou: Well, thank you Dr. Tofu. And now, for some unashamed kissing 
of our sponsor's ass...

    (Cut to "Satori's Simply Scrumptious Speedy Sushi" set. Shampoo 
is standing at a blackboard in a gown and mortarboard. Several anime 
extra children are sitting on the flooe. Shampoo taps a pointer on 
the blackboard, trying to get the kids' attention, breaking it in the 
process. Failing to do so, she hurls the broken pointer at them.)

Shampoo: Okay. Let's hear five S's for today. S for...

Kids: Satori's

Shampoo: S for...

Kids: Simply

Shampoo: S for...

Kids: Scrumptious

Shampoo: S for...

Kids: Speedy

Shampoo: And S for...

Kids: Sushi! Yuck!

(REALLY fast cut to five S logo)

Female Announcer: Serving speedily, Satori's Simply Scrumptious 
Speedy Sushi slides soon into sad stomachs!

(cut back to studio.)

Gosunkugi: (over PA) Stand by for "Dating Disaster." Strike "Nerima 
Nagger."

Ukyou: Dr. Tofu, I want to thank you for that great interview.

Tofu: "Dr. Tofu?" Oh, come on, Ukyou. First names, surely.

Ukyou: Your first name is Shirley? No wonder you keep it a secret.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I KNOW Ukyou isn't that dumb, but I couldn't resist 
the old joke.]

Ukyou: Do you have time for a quick one, before you run off?

(Tofu sees Ukyou about to get hit by the E from the Nerima set and 
KO's the stagehand during...)

Tofu: Of course, that is, if you don't mind being seen with a 
secondary character like me.

Ukyou: Why, Dr. Tofu, since we're going to be the main rescue force 
in this turkey, you won't be taking a backseat to the action, unlike, 
say R---

Tofu: Shhh! Don't want to spoil it for the readers, now do we?

(They walk past the the audience, where a couple of unidentified 
voices say "Hi, Ukyou!" "Hi, Shirley!" Tofu shoots the offender a 
look. Nabiki intercepts them.)

Nabiki: Hi, Ukyou. You keep up that type of interview and you might 
be hired at one of the big networks. It'd be so profitable.

Tofu: A free thinker?

Ukyou: *Nothing's* free there.

(They finally come to Tsubasa's Tea Trolley.)

Tsubasa: (dreamily) Good day, Ukyou-sama.

(Ukyou takes a deep breath, unslings her four foot combat spatula and 
uses it to keep Tsubasa at bay.)

Ukyou: (Through clenched teeth.) Hand over two of the usual now, and 
I'll permit you to live with your spine intact.

(Tsubasa hurredly complies as the Guide and Gosukugi join them.)

Tsubasa: (in a hurry to change the subject) Hey, er, Guide! you gonna 
be watching "Dating Disaster?"

Guide: Oh yes, could be Mousse's finest hour.

Gosunkugi: Yeah.

Tsubasa: Yeah?

Guide: Oh yes. Could be change from very tragic story to very happy 
story!

(Cut to shot of Mousse, his back to the camera, dressed in an orange 
tuxedo, being fussed over by Ms. Hinako and the aforementioned make 
up extra. Cut back to studio.)

Gosunkugi: Yeah, one small step for him, one massive repair bill for 
NTV. I better go check on the Mousse, otherwise...

All: (General grunts of assention)

Ukyou: Good luck!

(Cut back to the hallway where Mousse is waiting. He waves awa Hinako 
and the makeup extra. They leave. Mousse turns, revealing that his 
normal glasses have been replaced with dark ones. He gropes his way 
along the hall, knocking over various items that have been left for 
that purpose. During all this...)

Male Announcer: And here he is, bringing the first plot twist of the 
story and a potentially embarassing moment for someone in our 
audience, "Dating Disaster's" host...Mousse!

Gosunkugi: Three seconds.

(Mousse bites the air. Cut to the studio proper. Gosunkugi runs from 
the hall where Mousse is lurking and signals the audience to go nuts. 
Mousse leaps out.)

Mousse: Nihao, Nerima!

Audience: Nihao, Mousse!

(Mousse dashes to the host's podium, knocking over walls, props and 
monitors in his rush.)

Mousse: 10-Q, 10-Q! Before we get started, Renaldo Satori's paid me 
an obscene amount of money to plug his new show, the "Reality 
Rampage" show. And we just happen to have the host and his (sigh) 
lovely co-host here in the studio with us, Ryoga Hibiki and the 
(sigh) wonderful Shampoo!

(Cut to a monitor showing Ryoga and Shampoo standing up in the 
audience. The monitor cuts back to Mousse.)

Mousse: Get a camera up there, for crying out loud!

(Cut to Ryoga and Shampoo looking at each other. The camera is 
ALREADY on them.)

Mousse: That was an exemplary performance in the commercial, Shampoo.

Shampoo: Screw you, Mousse.

Mousse: (sighing) Got a good show for us tomorrow night, Ryoga?

Ryoga: Not if everything goes the way the script---(Shampoo socks him 
in the stomach) OOOFFF!!!

Mousse: Good! I'm gonna be there, like everybody else who sticks 
around until the end of the fanfic!

(Cut to Ukyou and Dr. Tofu, watching the show on a monitor.)

Ukyou: Ryoga Hibiki with Shampoo. God, the writer must be blinder 
than Mousse. Still, the more lost the man, the bigger the bimbo.

Tofu: Isn't that Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo in the audience? What 
an interesting couple they are. More than anyone else in Nerima, they 
showcase all the great anime slapstick bits. Rumiko-sama must be 
proud.

(Cut back to Mousse.)

Mousse: And now, would the couple who are the focus for this whole 
thing, and the only way we can move the plot along, come down here 
please? You!

(Cut to Ranma and Akane.)

Akane: That's us, Ranma!

Mousse: What's the hold up? Come on, you guys, we've only got a 
limited amount of disk space!

Ranma: I am NOT going down there, Akane!

Akane: We've got to! Everyone's waiting!

(Gosunkugi stakes a voodoo doll. Ranma collapses and is dragged down 
to the set. They are seated.)

Mousse: All right, face the cameras and introduce yourselves, as if 
nobody knew who you were!

Ranma & Akane: Well, I'm---Oh, sorry.

(Cut to the control room. On the monitors, Akane is introducing 
herself. A light comes on and Renaldo Satori swings into view. He 
looks an awful lot like Ranma only with his hair slicked back, no 
pigtail, and he's dressed in a white suit.)

Akane: I'm Akane Tendo and this is my, er, um, (mumbles something 
unintelligible) Ranma Saotome.

Mousse: Say Ranma, we've been digging up some rather personal dirt on 
you. Haven't we Akane? (Akane hesitates. Cut back to studio.)

Mousse: Haven't we Akane?

Akane: (Not knowing what he's talking about.) Uh, yes, it's rather 
disturbing.

Mousse: Disturbing?! Face it, Akane. (Pours a glass of water on 
Ranma.) Ranma's and aquatranssexual!

Ranma-chan: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Mousse: It looks like a Reality Check for this ridiculous coupling, 
eh?

(Cut to a neon sign reading "Reality Check" that points down a 
hallway.)

Mousse: Tell me, Akane. Do you watch "Nerimavale?"

Akane: (in as much shock as Ranma.) Uh, yes?

Mousse: Yes! NTV's most popular hospital series rip-off, starring 
those psychotic favorites, Tatewaki and Kodachi Kuno, Realitologists 
par excellance. I'd suggest, if you'll excuse me for butting in, 
Akane, that you send Ranma to them for treatment.

Akane: I don't know. I mean, sure, he's a self-centered hentai baka--

Ranma-chan: HEY!

Akane: But Realitiologists just seem---

Mousse: No, no, no, Akane! remeber, the rest of the plot depends upon 
this!

Akane: Good point.

(Cut to Ukyou and Dr. Tofu.)

Tofu: Kuno...Kuno...

Ukyou: Mousse brought them over from Okinawa.

Tofu: Oh?

Ukyou: (nods) They had a very popular series together. It's still 
rerun in the slums. You must have seen them in "Nerimavale."

Tofu: No, I never watch TV.

Mousse: ...so there's only one thing to do. One, two, three!

(Gosunkugi holds up a sign saying "Nerimavale.")

Audience: NERIMAVALE!!!!

Mousse: Nihao! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if the 
fanfic actually goes anywhere! 

(The set lights turn off. The set lights turn off. Cut to Ukyou and 
Dr. Tofu who are staring in confusion at the monitor. Cut to the 
Nerima sign where Renaldo's silhouette can be seen behind the plastic 
insert . Cut to Dr. Tofu looking up at the sign, then back to the 
"Dating Disaster" set.)

Mousse: (to Akane) Congrats. You've made a wise choice. (Ranma-chan 
stands up)

Ranma-chan: I'm NOT going, Akane!

Akane: What do you mean, you're not going? The rest of the fanfic 
says you have to go, Mousse's made all the arrangements...

Ranma-chan: Exactly! I don't need treatment! (knocks over the podium 
in anger.)

Mousse: But you need a good plastic surgeon, eh, toots? (laughs) 
Doesn't SHE, extras? (Audience laughs. Gosunkugi rolls out a TV Ranma 
and Akane can watch commercials on.)

Akane: I've had it with you and your ego, baka! You're going and 
that's (punches Ranma) final!

<Song: "Kickin' in the Kitchen" Note: The male announcer's voice can 
be heard throughout the song. His lines are in brackets.>

Male announcer: It looks like Ranma and Akane will follow the master, 
and here's some prizes from "Dating Disaster!"

Ranma-chan: (sings) Dear bokken
            [Why not beckon with a bokken?]
            Why does my heart feel broken?
            Oh, Nunchuk
            [How much nun could a nunchuk chuck?]
            Don't put the lumps on me!
            [Check this out!]
            Oh, Katana
            Why does she always seem to wanna
            Be kickin' in the kitchen
            Or fightin' in the dojo all night?
            
            Dear sai blade,
            [There's no need to sai!]
            I'm in dire need of some aid
            Oh, Ma-ace
            [Mace up your mind!]
            Can't you help me save face
            Oh, Katana
            Why does she always seem to wanna
            Be kickin' in the kitchen 
            Or fightin' in the dojo all night?

Akane: (sings) Everything used to be just fine
               Then he came by
               And I started to lose my mind
               
               Stainless steel katana
               Why does he always seem to wanna
               Be kickin' in the kitchen 
               Or fightin' in the dojo all night?
               
(Mousse passes behind them and nods.)

Akane: (sings) Fighting staff
               [You'll never be understaffed...]
               Do I have a reason to laugh?
               Oh, plywood
               [Here's a REAL a-ply-ance!]
               Don't split apart on me!
               Oh, katana
               Why does he always seem to wanna
               Be kickin' in the kitchen 
               Or fightin' in the dojo all night?

(The lights come up, and Mikado comes skating in, pushing a 
wheelchair.)

Male Announcer: And now, back to "Dating Disaster" and for those of 
you who are "Nerimavale" watchers, you've recognized out not-so-
surprising guest, and heeere's Mousse!

Mousse: Hey! It's Mickey from "Nerimavale!"

Mikado: (punches Mousse) Mikado.

Mousse: Whatever.

Mikado: I've come for (sees Ranma-chan, then looks back at Mousse) 
Mr. Saotome? (Akane purs hot water on Ranma.) Yes, Mr. Saotome! 
(pushes chair over to Ranma.)

Mousse: Ranma will be fixed with this plot twist! (grins evilly)

Mikado: Nothing too serious, I hope.

Akane: No, just the normal problems.

Mousse: Just the "normal" problems, eh, viewers?

(Mikado, in order to get things moving, gets the jump on Ranma and 
handcuffs him to the wheelchair and pushes him out, while Akane turns 
to the cameras...)

Akane: (sings) Please tell me, bwana
               Why does he always seem to wanna
               Be Kickin' in the kitchen
               or fightin' in the dojo all night?

(She follows Mikado down the hall to Nerimavale.)

Male Announcer: (laughs) Well, Mousse has done it again. Instigated 
yet another cheesy plot twist!

Mousse: The lovebirds are on their way! (lights out. Mousse turns to 
Gosunkugi.) As is the plot.

======================================================================

    END OF EPISODE 1 C&C gratefully accepted.