(Okay, this is the rational part.  My other comments are going to be an 
attempt to remember exactly what I thought, said, or did on reading it 
the first time through ..)
(I'd just like to say that I LIKED the script format.  True, it doesn't 
allow for a lot of introspection, and I don't think I'd ever use it 
myself, but it has a lot more impact to say "Ranma cries" than "Ranma 
cried".  Also, I like the idea of this being a TV series ...)

	Perdita looked at her monitor, and smiled. She could relax, 
now.  The C-Kos would take care of that pesky clone, one way or 
another...  Whether he died of pain, or pleasure, it made no difference
to her, just so long as the duplicate was eliminated.

	Hum.  Perdita=Nabiki, nicht wahr?  Perdita = derived from from 
"perdre" -- to lose.  She lost Akane, at least ... blames Ranma?  FOR 
GETTING MURDERED?  Oy.  Wish I had copy of "Winter's Tale" ... hint.  
hint.

	Childra Jansen sped her way through the darkened corridors of
Kuno Hall.  She had little time to waste, and some of it had already
been spent on a visit to the graveyard to drag information out of her
'friend'.  The C-Ko had gotten Kim.  

	Who's her friend, and why does he/she know about C-Ko's grabbing 
Kim?  (Friend a ghost.  Hm.  Nah.  Couldn't be.)

	Ratiko eyed her slyly.
	"I thought it was RANMA you were... 'concerned' about. Why are
you suddenly worrying about KIM?"
	Childra didn't have time for this.  It was one thing to be
teased about her promiscuity on a Thursday evening at the pub, but 
now...

	Hum.  Childra's bi, I take it?

	The three plain walls had pictures of Ranma's ex-fiances on 
them.  One showed a giant Ukyou, done in dark shades of purple and
blue, demolishing a town with her spatula, crimson flames rising up 
around her. 

	Well, at least this actually happened.

	<Speak of the devil...> said Ranma to himself.  No sooner had 
he formed that thought than Kim opened her eyes.

	Better phrase:  "Your lips to God's ear."  Speak of the devil 
indicates appearance of someone (and usually negative connotation.)

	*That had better not be formaldehyde in that tank...* said Kim.
	<I think I'm gonna be sick> mumbled Ranma. <Tell me that's not 
what I think it is...>
	"She has never left you," said Lepi.  "In fact..." She pressed
a button on a nearby wall.  A spotlight came to life behind the tank,
its limelight cutting through the murk and making the contents of the
vessel clearly visible.
	Inside was the naked, grinning corpse of an elderly 
black-haired woman, tightly hugging Ranma's own cadaver.
	"In fact..." concluded Lepi Kodachi Demie, "YOU have never left
HER." She smiled.

	EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
	Boy, I bet Kim's glad she doesn't have a stomach at this point ...

				* * * * *

	Ranma smiled.
	"Seven hundred of them, you say? Ages sixteen to nineteen?"
	Lepi nodded, and winked.
	"Right this way, Ranma-sama..."
	*...*  Kim followed.

	Monty Python.  Quest for the Holy Grail.

	<Baka Rat,> thought Childra. <Attacking Ranma in the middle of
the Church of Kodachi... Looks like I'll have to go get reinforcements.  
I hope my 'friend' is still where I left her...> She turned to Kim.
"Take care of them. I'm going for help."

	Friend is a "her".  No.  It couldn't ...

	"Sorry 'bout this." He shoved her to the ground, then sprinted
towards the  pot below Ratiko, which he knocked over into himself.
Instantly, he found himself in spirit form at the spot where Kim had
been standing, looking at the same piece of floor that she had been
interested in.  Only, this, time, with his spirit eyes, he saw a girl.
A familiar girl, with dark close-cropped hair, and wearing a dress
in pastel shades of yellow and blue. She held a wooden mallet in her
right hand, and her eyes watered as she looked up at him.
	"Ranma?" asked Akane.

	<Long pause.  Chris stares at the monitor ... the name remains.  
So does the mallet.>
	May whatever deity, spirit, force, or philosophy you venerate 
bless you, Christopher Wilmore.
	<Faints.  A human spirit can only endure so much joy.>

Chris Davies.