As I am no longer on this list, please send all flames to me directly at
omega@torfree.net. Thanks!
SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD Part Four:
Tale of Darien
I Want to Return to that Negaverse.
NARRATOR: February. Today everything ends...yet is also about to begin.
DARIEN is riding his motorbike with AMY in the side car. He turns his
head to her, breathing out to fog up his helmet. AMY giggles.
SFX: CRASH!!!!
The motorbike crashes into a tree. The two lovers are thrown from the
vehicle and left in a dazed state, otherwise unharmed.
DARIEN: <eyes spinning, tongue hanging out> Oooh, I've been treed.
AMY: Since when is 'tree' a verb?
DARIEN: Haven't you seen Episode #53 of the American Sailor Moon?
Sirens wail as a police mini patrol car approaches. Two police women,
NATSUMI & MIYUKI, jump out out.
NATSUMI: What you maniacs think yer doin'?!!
MIYUKI: You broke several traffic regulations:
1) Driving under the influence of hormones.
2) Crashing into a rare breed of cherry tree (which is a
capital offense).
3) Driving on the wrong side of the road--
DARIEN: No, I was driving on the right side of the road.
MIYUKI: That's right!
DARIEN: No, it's supposed to be left!
MIYUKI: Then, were you driving on the left?
DARIEN: Right!
NATSUMI joins in the fun.
NATSUMI: Aha! So you admit it. You were driving on the right side.
DARIEN: Of course.
NATSUMI: You shouldn't be driving on the wrong side.
DARIEN: That's true if I was but I wasn't! I was on the right side.
MIYUKI: This is Japan where they drive on the left side of the road;
you, Sir, were driving on the right side.
DARIEN: Exactly my point, Ma'am.
MIYUKI: Huh? Oh, forget it.
MIYUKI rips up the ticket, and instead pulls out a tiny sealed packet.
MIYUKI: Here. Have a condom.
DARIEN & AMY: Wha?
NATSUMI: <glares> Miyuki!
MIYUKI: Just doing my public duty. Can't you see that those two are in
love? Us officers have to do what we can to prevent a greater
evil.
NATSUMI: <sigh> Los Angeles cops have all the fun.
DARIEN: <thinks> Shit! If they find out that Amy is under-aged, I'm toast!
The two cops take off in search of jay-walkers, kids playing hookie,
cracking down on fan-subbers, and other major menaces to society.
AMY: Don't worry, Darien. You've done your best.
DARIEN: Oh, please!
Before setting his bike upright again, DARIEN checks the sidecar.
DARIEN: Huh? What's this bloody glove doing in here?
NARRATOR: We were on our way to the theatre to see the 'Nausicaa of
Cagliostro's Castle in the Sky', and 'The Crimson Totoro's
Delivery Service' double bill, but my mind wandered and all I
could think about was how I wanted to return to that day...
Scene blurs out of focus.
Blur to close-up visual of DARIEN being kissed by someone whose head is
towards the camera, a blonde with 2 long ponytails. After a second
DARIEN, shocked and surprised, pulls away.
DARIEN: What's this for?
VOICE: <sensual female voice> Consider it a gift... to you.
Darien is speechless. We see that he had been kissing an Inflatable
Sailor Moon doll. It has a huge grin on its face.
DARIEN: Is this some kind of a joke? Stop pressing that horrid thing into
my face.
The doll, now with a sad expression, is moved away to reveal that it's being held up by RAYE, who had been speaking to him the whole time.
She has a huge grin on her face. They are standing in the arcade along
with LITA and ANDREW.
RAYE: Ha ha! What's wrong, stud-man? Don't you love Serena?
DARIEN: N-not as a plastic blow-up doll.
RAYE: What's a little rubber between you two lovebirds? Hee hee.
In the corner of the screen, the Inflatable URD appears angrily.
URD: By Schmitty-sama! How dare you insult me with this second-rate
immitation of Yours Truly?
DARIEN: I'm outta here!
NARRATOR: I couldn't tell Raye or anyone, but I was late for the meeting
with Sailor Suit Fetish-ers Anonymous.
ANDREW: <looking up from his chat with Lita> Oh bye, Darien. Say--
In walks a black-bearded man wearing a Sea CAPTAIN uniform, and a small
white dog.
CAPTAIN: Tintin!
LITA: Huh?
ANDREW: <annoyed> Shh! Please don't use that name here.
CAPTAIN: You've got to come with us, the Professor's being held hostage
in Gibberia.
ANDREW: I'm tired of all that Gibberish--find someone else! I've retired.
CAPTAIN: Blisterin' Barnacles!
LITA and SNOWY the dog are not getting along.
SNOWY: GRR!
LITA: GRR!
ANDREW: Lay off, Snowy. She's a friend. Lita, what's with you?
LITA: Well, uh...
CAPTAIN: <to Andrew> C'mon, kid. I'll bet you miss hangin' out with a
real sailor.
Meanwhile in Negaland. GOMI is bowing before MARINA.
GOMI: Yes, my leige?
MARINA: While the Queen is away, I'm in charge. And I get to borrow her
shoes.
GOMI: So, what's it like?
MARINA: What is what like?
GOMI: What's it like to be in her shoes?
MARINA: <groan> Put a sock in it, footsoldier! Before I have another fit!
GOMI: But what will happen to the Queen?
MARINA: Her role has been played out. Now she goes where she belongs--in
the trashcan of history! Virginia?
VIRGINIA appears by her side. She has short white hair and wears a
blue tartan.
VIRGINIA: Your equitable sectarian is resiant to succour your polity.
MARINA: Good. I plan to invade the airwaves using specially edited footge
from Movie Maker 2000, recorded during his battle with the Scouts.
VIRGINIA: A sagacious prospectous which will licentiate us to perplex the
Terrans, thus our endeavour to coalesce with their positive,
somatoscopic parenchyma (whensoever they are weetless) shall be
felicitous.
MARINA: Um, whatever. We'll need to find an organization that will use
the footage and re-edit it into a show that will become our
Ultimate Weapon! An organization so evil, so...
VIRGINIA: Diabolic? Virulent? Mephitic?
MARINA: <slaps Virginia> No. Annoying! An organization that will corrupt
the masses.
GOMI: Why don't we phone up Streamline Video?
MARINA: What? That's perfect! Get in touch with Carl Macek--IMMEDIATELY!
After all, look at what he did with Robotech, and imagine what he
could do to a whole planet! Ha ha ha HAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Back on regular Earth, somewhere...
Oh, right... At Serena's home back in time when the doll was
discovered. The Scouts, LUNA, and ARTEMIS are there.
LUNA: <pointing out the window> She went that way.
MINA: Who, Luna? And what happened to Serena?
LUNA: I'm not sure but the one who's responsible just left after coming
through the mirror.
MINA: But who--?
LUNA: Our greatest foe yet!
Dramatic music (drum roll, please).
LUNA: An evil queen from the Negaverse!
The Scouts drop their shoulders, puffing out a breath of air in
frustration.
AMY: But it is always the Negaverse, Luna. I am sorry, but I cannot see
what makes this situation unique.
LUNA: Because without Sailor Moon, the Scouts are completely useless!
SCOUTS: HUHNNNNN?
LUNA: You all need a meatball-head like her, otherwise there is no way
the four of you would work together. Must I fight all your battles?
LUNA runs off with tears trailing from her eyes.
RAYE: <looks at doll> At least I don't have to hear Serena whine.
The doll's face has a frown.
RAYE: Serena always wanted to be like Barbie--now she really is an airhead.
AMY: Come off it, Raye. You're glad to see Serena reduced to a crude,
plastic replica of herself.
RAYE: Whaddaya mean? I love Serena!
AMY: Then why do you abuse her, you slap-happy bitch?
RAYE: <heating up> WHAT! It's called 'Tough Love', Egghead!
MINA: Better break it up, guys.
ARTEMIS: Yeah, there's nothing worse than a cat fight, and I should know
(I've got the scars to prove it).
Elsewhere...in the city. QUEEN Selenite, the one who look just like
Sailor Moon but has black hair, is enjoying herself immensely.
QUEEN: In this positive matter universe, I am here! I can destroy,
therefore I am!
QUEEN: I can see the litter strewn city streets;
Hear the endless barrage of impatient motorists, and the incessant
clackety clack of the subway;
Taste the polluted industrial air that I am breathing in;
Smell the peddling hobos who haven't showered in 3 years, stinking
of cheap wiskey and year-old dirty diapers--
She scans the decaying city around her.
QUEEN: --It's great to be alive!!!!
The QUEEN runs into Molly who is walking home from shopping.
MOLLY: Hi, Serena! Oh, I like your dyed-black hair. Are you a Goth Girl?
QUEEN: <thinks> How annoying this one is. <Out loud> Um, yeah. Ha ha. I,
ah, gotta run. See ya!
MOLLY: <thinks> Strange. Serena is acting awfully normal today.
The Scouts in civilian guise see MOLLY, now in a park approaching a
park bench.
AMY: Molly, have you seen Serena?
MOLLY: Yes. <pause> Can I sit down, cause I'm pregnant.
MOLLY sits on the bench.
MINA: You don't look it. How long?
MOLLY: Only a few days but doesn't it make you feel tired?
MINA: Are you sure its yours?
The QUEEN runs into LUNA.
QUEEN: You look familiar.
LUNA: <thinks> I've found her!
QUEEN: Kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it.
Kitty on my foot and I wanna touch it!
LUNA: Uh oh!
MARS: <voice from off-screen> We're gonna reign you in, Queenie!
The Scouts are in their costumes, ready to fight.
JUPITER: JUPITER DOOR-KNOB STATIC--ZAAAAAAP!!!!
A blast of electricity envelopes the QUEEN. When it's over, there are
several socks stuck to her.
QUEEN: That tickles. Hee hee! <looks down> What?
The skirt of her uniform is clinging around her waist.
QUEEN: Damn that static cling, you Sailor Slime! ROYAL SOVEREIGN COIN--
TOSS!!!!!
QUEEN Selenite dispenses coins in a rapid-fire manner, slicing JUPITER
like razors.
VENUS: That's enough, Metal Queen. FROSTED LUCKY CHARMS--YUMMMMM!!!!
VENUS shoots her Pink hearts, Yellow moons, Green clovers, and Blue
diamonds at her foe. QUEEN has her mouth open.
VENUS: Ha! You looked surprised.
QUEEN: JUNK FOOD PIG-OUT--BINNNNNNGE!!!!
She swallows every little shape.
QUEEN: They're magically delicious!
SFX: BONK!
QUEEN: <rubbing her head> Ow!
VENUS: You forgot about the purple horseshoe. Hee hee.
MERCURY: Time for the coup de grace. MERCURY SNOWJOB ON Y--
MARS: --Hey! I'm the one who's supposed to get the glory, Library Leach.
MERCURY: Oh, yeah? Temple Tart!
MARS: Oooo, nice comeback, Pencil Breath.
As the two begin to scratch each other's eyes out, JUPITER is helped
up by VENUS.
JUPITER: Now I know what grated cheese feels like.
VENUS: Well, it could've been worse...
JUPITER: ???
VENUS: ...It could've been me.
JUPITER: You vain little tramp! I'm gonna mash yer face into raspberry
jam.
QUEEN: While they're busy with bitter in-fighting, I'll use my ultimate
technique.
QUEEN Selenite pulls out her special sceptre and yells the magic
incantation.
QUEEN: Abracadabra Sailor Scouts Shazam--DISEMINATION!
The ensuing blast knocks the quarreling Scouts into dreamland.
QUEEN: <evil grin> You will all die! Ha ha ha! <suddenly cheerful> But
first I'll do some shopping. Giggle!
QUEEN Selenite merrily skips off in search of a Le Chateau, and along
the way, maybe stop off for a quick dougnut or dozen--and maybe a new
pair of shoes.
Due the disasterous encounter with Queen Selenite, the Scouts are
forced to consider auditions for Serena's replacement. At the temple
A line-up of hopeful girls take turns displaying their talents. The
first one is the Pretty Fashionable Judo Sailor YAWARA who appears
reluctant.
YAWARA: I just want to be an ordinary girl, fall in love, and listen to
idol singers.
Her Grandfather JIGILO is insistent.
JIGILO: Pah! Being a superhero is the perfect training for your Olympic
debut as Judo champion of the world!
JUPITER: Ah, mister...?
JIGILO: My friends call me Jigilo.
JUPITER: Alright, Jigilo--
JIGILO: --but you can call me Mister.
JUPITER: I'm sorry, Mister. Rejected. I'm the physical one of this group.
Grandpa Jigilo sticks out his tongue before leaving with YAWARA.
Next is Sailor Satsumi with her trusty, and cute, side-kick
Chibi-Totoro:
MEI: Haya-O! Hayyya-O!
Chibi-Totoro lets out a huge roar that shakes the foundations of the
temple.
VENUS: <picking herself up> NEXT!
...Sailor SKULD:
SKULD: I am Sailor Skuld, goddess of the future--and you're future's not so
bright, Nega-Virus! I'm gonna de-bug you into dev/nul!
Skuld Mallet--CRUNCH!!!!!
AMY: Rejected!!!
Skuld holds the handle of her mallet to her chin, tears welling in her
eyes.
SKULD: <sadly> But why?!?
AMY: I'm sorry, but we can't have two geniuses in this group who share the
same voice actress.
SKULD: That's 'genii' not 'geniuses'. <sticks out her tongue> BEEDAH!!!
...Nurse Angel Sailor LALIKA.
LALIKA: Sacred Power! Sacred Wish! Come!
Holy Light! Noble White! Scream of Life of Holy Earth
A Promise from Heaven!
There is a blinding flash and Sailor MARS desperately tries to avert
her eyes.
MARS: HISSSSSS!!! KEEP THAT LIGHT AWAAAAYYY!!! AWAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! HISSS!
JUPITER: Holy Shit!
...Devil Hunter YOHKO.
YOHKO: You may call me Youma Hunter Yohko. Oh no! There is a demon in
our midsts.
YOHKO pounces on Sailor MARS and tries to behead her with her sword.
MARS: REJECTED!!!
...Sailor C-KO, a blonde cry-baby.
C-KO: I WANT MY MOMMY!!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
VENUS: Separated at birth?
JUPITER: No kidding!
MERCURY: Well then, I think we've come to an unanimous decision.
JUPITER: <scratches her head> Yoo-nanee-muss? Uh...
VOICE: Wait! There's one more!
In the doorway, stands Darien wearing his top hat and mask which is
incongruously mis-matched with his sailor outfit, the skirt barely
making any kind of decent covering over his hairy legs.
MERCURY: <embarrassed> Oh My!
MARS: What the hell are you doing?
MASK: <high-pitched voice> I am the Pretty Scout Sailor Mask!
<covering his lips> Hee hee.
VENUS: If you were to be a Scout, who'd do your old job?
MASK: That's easy; I've already found a replacement.
MASK points to the doorway. Standing there is a woman wearing a funny
red mask, gloves and boots, and nothing else but a rose in her teeth.
MASK: Introducing Kekko Mask!
JUPITER: Get out, you goofs!
Sailor MASK departs with his friend.
MARS: If Darien joined, he would be the most *sexist* Sailor Scout.
MERCURY: <blushing> Nice legs, though.
----------------COMMERCIAL BREAK------------------
TV VOICE-OVER: Stay tuned everynight for The Sailormooners!
Scene at an apartment. ZOYCITE is in the kitchen preparing dinner.
MALACHITE walks in.
MALACHITE: Hi, Honey! I'm home!
ZOYCITE: The Nephlite souffle is almost ready, dear.
MALACHITE: Good, 'cause I'm starved!
ZOYCITE tastes a sample of his cookery. He tries not to gag.
ZOYCITE: <to himself> Damn. It needs a little something. Maybe a dash of
Zoy Sauce will do the trick?
He summons his power and aims intently at the food.
ZOYCITE: <yells!> ZOY!!!
MALACHITE: Careful! You know I like my victims bloody rare.
They sit down to eat there meal. MALACHITE takes the first bite and
begins to choke.
MALACHITE: UGHH!! This tastes like horseshit!
Canned laughter.
ZOYCITE: <crying> I'm so sorry. <sob> I try so hard to be a good little
wife and...
MALACHITE: There, there. I didn't like Nephlite that much anyway.
ZOYCITE: <smiles> You didn't? Thank you. I knew you hated his guts so I
left that part out of the recipe.
Canned laughter.
TV ANNOUNCER: And there are plenty more laughs where that came from. Look!
ZOYCITE is washing the dishes while MALACHITE is in the bathroom.
MALACHITE: <voice heard> You haven't been having an affair, have you?
ZOYCITE: <nervous> N-no...of course not, dear.
MALACHITE: <voice heard> Are you sure nobody came over here while I was at
work Scoutbashing?
ZOYCITE: You're just being paranoid. What in the Negaverse would give you
that idea?
MALACHITE: The toilet seat is up!
Outside the apartment, a figure can be seen under the bathroom window.
He's desperately clawing at his tongue. It's the City Hunter, RYO
Saeba.
RYO: Shit! Not only do I have a jealous husband to worry about, but I
thought Zoycite was a girl! <gag> <spit> <blegg> And why couldn't I
find that out *before* cunnilingus!
At MINA's place, she and ARTEMIS are having a serious talk, after all
that has happened recently. They are sitting on the bed.
MINA: I can't believe that Serena is the glue that binds us. Oh, Artemis.
I feel cold--come closer.
ARTEMIS: <surprised> Wha--?
MINA: You've been my faithful friend all these years. I've just realized
that despite bad times, you've always been there for me, and I don't
know what I'd do if you were gone.
ARTEMIS: Y'know, Mina. Truth is, I've always wondered if we could,
y'know...<blushes> uh, be more than friends...
MINA: Oh, Artemis! You feel the same way (after all this time sleeping in
the same bed).
ARTEMIS: Meow Meow!*
MINA: And I've heard plenty about your love-making.
ARTEMIS: Oh, its nothing.
MINA: That's what Luna tells me.
ARTEMIS: <sags> Our relationship was fast and furious--I was fast and she
was furious.
MINA: Well, since we're not keeping secrets from each other, I must say
I've always admired your beautiful fur.
ARTEMIS: Really? I've always admired yours.
MINA: <blushing> You've been peaking!
They both laugh and MINA giving a heartfelt hug to ARTEMIS, her true
friend.
ARTEMIS: Y'know, I wouldn't mind some heavy petting.
*'Meow meow' is a Japanese sexual expression, as if you didn't know!
NARRATOR: But as one relationship was beginning, another was ending. I was
sitting next to Serena on a parkbench, having trouble breaking
the news to her.
DARIEN is sitting on a park bench with the Sailor Moon DOLL. He is
having trouble--
NARRATOR: Didn't I just say that al--
DARIEN is sitting next to a DOLL, not Serena.
NARRATOR: Don't interrupt me when I'm interrupting!
DARIEN: <looking down> Serena.
The DOLL looks on impassively.
DARIEN: I... really... don't think we should... see each other anymore.
NARRATOR: The look in the doll's eyes told me she couldn't understand why.
So I tried to give her the benefit of an explanation.
DARIEN: Because...I must...
NARRATOR: She was in completely shock; she told me to stop joking. Well,
actually, I lied; she didn't really say anything at all. Some
people are just unable to say what they feel.
DARIEN: Because...I must leave. I really enjoyed all the times I've spent
with you, but it's not possible for us anymore. You've been a real
doll but I'm afraid our relationship was artificial from the
beginning; it's been blown out of proportion...I'm sorry.
With nothing further to say, DARIEN gets up and walks away, leaving
the DOLL alone with her tears. Thus ends the dramatic scene.
Moments later, DARIEN returns to discreetly pick up the DOLL.
Around the same time, QUEEN Selenite is invading the downtown,
ruthlessly bargain hunting, harassing salespeople for service, abusing
her credit privileges, and more. No clothing store is safe!
QUEEN: And this new dress, Oh Marina will be so jealous! <squeals> Ooooh!
...But the QUEEN makes an incredible discovery, as she passes the
cosmetics counter.
QUEEN: OOh! Black No.1! It's the right shade of black lipstick. It can't
get blacker than this, and I can't even get this stuff back home.
But first, I'm gonna eat some sweets. Giggle!
QUEEN Selenite suddenly grabs her forehead.
QUEEN: What's wrong with me? Why am I behaving like a giggling schoolgirl?
Gotta buy a gun--there's no way I can live like this. Oh NegaGod!
I'm turing into Serena the Hyena. WHAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
MERCURY: There you are, you Negalomaniac.
The Scouts are here. Yay!
QUEEN: <sniff> How did you find me?
MERCURY: With our deductive reasoning and intelligent strategy...
MARS: Actually, we lucked out. We followed the trail of ravaged fashion
boutiques.
VENUS: And the trail of clothes all over the sidewalks.
QUEEN: What? <looks down> There's a hole in one of my shopping bags??!?
WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Erm. Um, no matter. I will destroy you
all!
JUPITER: Awright! Let's break her crown.
QUEEN: ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL T-SHIRT--ENGUUUUUUULF!!!!
An over-sized (probably XXXL) t-shirt engulfs Sailor MARS from head
to toe. Invisible underneath the mass of cotton/polyester blend, MARS'
contours can be seen struggling to get out.
JUPITER: Sailor Jupiter Mad! GRR. Sailor Jupiter Smash!
QUEEN: Whatta temper, you stupid, ugly amazon.
JUPITER: I am not ugly!
QUEEN: MARY KAY COSMETIC--STAAAAAAB!!!
QUEEN Selenite stabs JUPITER with a tube of lipstick.
JUPITER: AAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm bleeding!
MERCURY: It's just red lipstick. It will come out in the wash.
QUEEN: You are all hopeless, Sailor Saps! You couldn't defeat me the last
time.
VENUS: That's because we didn't realize the value of teamwork.
MARS takes off her shirt (the over-sized one. Sheesh).
MARS: Yeah, when we work together we're unstoppable.
JUPITER: It's good to have friends.
QUEEN: <gag> Can I have a burger with that cheese! Aargh!
VENUS: When you've got cheese, you've got choice. Quick, Mercury, while
she's gagging on the Sailor Says Special.
MERCURY: MERCURY ZIP-LOCK BAGS--FREEEEEEZE!!!!
The QUEEN stiffens but instead of freezing, her skin starts to crack
and peel.
QUEEN: What's happening? Ah...
MERCURY: Your shopping spree of terror is over. You see, although you've
have found a way to cross over to the positive universe, the
effect is only temporary.
QUEEN: <panicking> I'm reverting back into anti-matter.
MERCURY: Your molecules are as unstable as a central American dictator.
You can't exist in this world.
QUEEN: That means all my plans have been for nothing. But if I revert back,
the collision of anti-matter with postive will result in a massive
conversion of energy, destroying this whole planet in the process.
If I can't have the world, no-one will! HA HA HAA HAAAAA!!!!!!
Just to annoy everyone by cutting away from a climatic scene, we
return to Serena's place where DARIEN is talking to Serena's MOTHER.
MOTHER: Have you seen Serena? Her friends were here earlier but I didn't
see her leave with them... <notices plastic doll that Darien is
hiding> What's that behind your back?
DARIEN: Oh, uh, this? It's a Sailor Moon doll for Serena's brother.
I need to talk with him.
MOTHER: Sammy is the biggest Sailor Moon fan around. Come right in!
Darien reaches upstairs and approaches SAMMY's door.
SAMMY: <muffled voice from inside the room> Sailor...Moon!!! Oh!
Oooooohhhh!!!!
DARIEN: <thinks> Poor sap doesn't realize that Sailor Moon is really his
sister. <outloud> Sammy? It's Darien. Can I speak to you for a
minute.
Several seconds of quick rustling. The door opens.
SAMMY: It's Darien the Defiler. Whaddaya want?
DARIEN sees the collection of SM dolls including the one from IRWIN.
SAMMY: You've been seeing my sister for a couple of years now.
What are your intentions--honourable or dishonourable?
DARIEN: You mean I get a choice? Listen, it's important that you look
after this doll for me.
SAMMY: <grins> Oh cool!
DARIEN: And I need to get into Serena's room to ah... pick up something
I lent her. Yeah, that's it.
SAMMY: What am I? My sister's keeper? Go ahead--I don't care. You burn
her room down. I wish Sailor Moon was my sister instead of that
whiny loser.
SAMMY blissfuly hugs his new doll as DARIEN enters Serena's room.
DARIEN: <thinks> My subconcsious psychic rapport with Sailor Moon tells
me that I will find the answer here. Amy also told me that it had
started here.
DARIEN goes through her dresser drawer, feeling her collection of
panties.
DARIEN: Mmm. Silky smooth. Wait! I'm not here for that now...
He looks into her closet and pulls out a couple of dresses.
DARIEN: Too bad she's not a size 10. <sigh> I can resist everything except
temptation.
He notices the mirror.
DARIEN: I sense something from within it.
He stands before it and studies it carefully. Deep within two-
dimensional reflection, he examines the incredible phenomenon.
DARIEN: Ah ha! I knew it! I am a handsome guy!
Alas, DARIEN trips and falls toward the mirror.
END OF PART FOUR
SAILOR SEZ: Tuxedo Mask here. Breaking up is hard to do, especially
when your girlfriend is a plastic blow-up doll. Guys, if
your gal is annoying you or just plain boring you, dump her.
No need to make a big deal out of it, just say that the world
will end if you stay with her. But seriously guys, why
agonize over a chick? You gotta learn to love yourself!
Tuxedo Mask Says!
(theme music has been deleted for those not blessed with deafness)
NOTES: Tintin, the cartoon series - Colin O'Meara does the voice of Tintin
(Andrew on Sailor Moon). Susan Roman is Snowy (Sailor Jupiter)!
A few scenes featuring Darien are spoofed from The Orange Road
Movie: I Want to Return to that Day.
--------------
$100 REWARD
for anyone who
can find my