Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment Presents...

A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production.


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    ---------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! ----------
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by Erin "God, am I twisted or what?" Mills
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With apologies to all creators of the characters herein
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EPISODE 1: "Welcome to America!"

    It was a clear night in Washington, D.C. The moon was shining 
overhead like a large shining thing. It was the kind of night where 
it seemed that just about anything could happen.
    In this case "anything" was going to be a disaster.
    
    The lights were on at the main building of Dark Streamline A.D. 
Viz-ion Image Entertainment's R&D lab. Inside, video technicians, 
scientists and some REALLY anti-social anime junkies were working on 
a new anime release that was going to bury the competition. 
    Namely, the world's first 3-D anime release.
    But, since the new equipment was so highly experimental, the 
first tests were being run on the competition's videos.

    "Resolution at 94%!"
    "Color steady,"
    "Increase the band width to sub-gx14!"
    "RESOLUTION! I repeat, we have 100% resolution,"
    
    The techs, scientists and junkies all cheered at the three 
dimensional scene from the "Ranma 1/2" video they were using for this 
first test, appearing in the test center...

    The Man in the Black Cloak stood with a start. It had begun! The 
first step towards the total breakdown of the universe! Now all he 
had to do was give those idiot scientists in D.C. a little push.
    The Man in the Black Cloak smiled.
    "Wait'll they get a load of this..."
    
    "Overload!"
    "What?!"
    "Overload! The 3-D system's gonna blow!"
    "Get everybody out!"
    "It's too late!"
    
    A massive blue glow filled the test center. Inside the the 
adjacent control room, the techs, scientists and junkies did NOT see 
the explosion they were expecting. Instead, they saw four human 
silouhettes appear in the glow. One had a long extension coming out 
the base of it's skull, something like a pigtail. Another had short, 
close cut hair, a third had some unidentifiable bladed weapon in it's 
hands and the fourth was apparently carrying a large backpack and 
an umbrella shaped object.
    The silohuettes  looked around, then the one with the umbella-
like object charged the far wall.
    "BAKUSAITENKETSU!!!" 
    The wall exploded into a million fragments. The sillohuettes 
dashed out into the Washington night.

    A tech turned to one of the scientists.
    "It appears that someone f**ked up,"
    "If you're gonna swear, swear, don't use this asteriks crap," the 
scientist replied.


    Aaron Miller loved D.C. He said it in exactly those words.
    "I love D.C. I love the people, I love the places. I love getting 
up in the morning and going to work at Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion 
Image Entertainment and being paid to watch all the new releases."
    But what he loved the most was Spring Break. Because he knew, 
that when Spring Break came around, it was time for Ye Olde Anime 
Con. D.C.'s biggest anime convention. Spring Break was usually the 
best time of the year for him.
    So it was perfectly natural that Murphy's Law was going to drop 
the whole mess right into Aaron's lap.

    Aaron walked down the alley. It was Spring Break again. He was 
out of classes at Georgetown University for a few days, and he'd just 
got off six grueling hours of anime viewing at Dark Streamline, etc. 
    He'd paid the registration fee for Ye Olde Anime Con this year, 
and was feeling pretty good.
    Then something landed on him.
    Aaron pushed and shoved to get whatever landed on him off, when 
it moved away on it's own. Through his blurry vision, Aaron could see 
not one, but two figures standing over him.
    "Way to go, Ranma, you killed him," said the girl with the short 
hair and the huge mallet.
    "Hey, he got in the way. Besides, if you hadn't got us lost, 
maybe we wouldn't have landed on him in the first place!" said the 
boy with the pigtail.
    "*I* got us lost!" the girl retorted. "Ryoga could probably find 
his way around better than you!
    "`Let's check out the rooftops', you said. `We can probably find 
them a lot eaisier.' I don't know why I listen to you, you baka!"
    "Who're you callin' a baka, tomboy!"
    "Hentai!"
    "Maniac!"
    Somewhere, in the addled blob of chemical byproduct that was 
currently masquerading as his brain, Aaron came to an astonishing 
revelation. The insults, the argueing, the total lack of 
comprehension of anything around them. These two had to be...
    "Ranma and Akane?!" Aaron cried, sitting up. The two main 
characters of "Ranma 1/2" looked down at him.
    "How do you know who we are?" Akane asked, "I've never seen you 
before," Ranma hoisted Aaron up, one-handed, by the lapels of Aaron's 
leather jacket.
    "Okay, pal, spill it. Who are you, where are we, and what is 
going on?"
    "Aaron Miller. Washington, D.C. and I have no id--OOF!" 
    The OOF was because Ranma dropped him after the D.C. came out.
    "Washington, D.C.?!" Akane asked. "You mean America?"
    "No," Aaron said sarcastically. "This is a new addition to Tokyo 
Disneyland. Of course, it's America!"
    "Then, why are you speaking Japanese?" asked Akane.
    "I'm not,"    
    "He's lyin'" Ranma suggested. "He's just some loon who's tryin' 
to pull a fast one. Let's go, Akane," The two of them turned to leave.
    "Then why are both of you speaking perfect English?" Aaron called 
after them.  The two teenagers froze and looked at each other.
    "I'm hearing English," Aaron continued. "Am I right in assuming 
that you're hearing Japanese?"
    "Come on, Akane," said Ranma, wanting to be away from this crazy 
gaijin freak. The two ran back down the alley. Aaron stood up and 
followed them. If they acted as usual, things were going to get very 
complicated in the next little while...

    Elsewhere, Ryoga Hibiki was lost (big surprise). This wasn't 
anything especially new, just the circumstances. The last thing Ryoga 
remembered, he was about to trounce Ranma in front of Ucchan's when 
Ukyou and Akane showed up to halt the fight. There was a flash of 
blue light and then all four of them were in some sort of lab. He had 
panicked and blasted a hole in the wall of the lab and they had all 
run off.
    Somehow, they'd all gotten separated. Ryoga knew he had to find 
Akane and protect her from Saotome's clutches, before something awful 
happened.
    "Where is the Saotome dojo?" he demanded to the room he found 
himself in.
    The desk sergent looked at him with a look of disbelief.   

    "Ranma! Akane! Wait up!"
    "Get away from us, you loon!"
    "Look, if we could just talk this out!"
    "Ranma, stop!"
    
        Ranma did, allowing Aaron to catch up. Aaron looked around 
and turned to the anime characters.
    "Do you believe me now?"
    They were standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Akane turned 
to Aaron.
    "What's going on?"
    "I have no idea," Aaron replied. "Why don't you tell me your 
story? Maybe we can figure it out,"
    "Okay," 
    Aaron and Akane picked up Ranma from his face-fault and hauled 
him over to a park bench.

    Meanwhile, in Lafayette Park, Ukyou Kuonji was trying to figure 
out where to go. She knew she was in Washington, D.C. She was just as 
confused as everybody else as to what was going on. She now needed to 
figure out what to do.
    "Find Ran-chan, Akane and Ryoga," she thought, "Then try to get 
back to Japan. There's got to be a rational explanation for all 
this..."
    "Hey, sweet thing,"
    Ukyou turned to see several followers of the hemp movement 
beckoning her over.
    "C'mere sweet thang, we wanna talk to you," Ukyou smelled 
trouble. Her hand went to the bandoleer across her chest and withdrew 
two of her throwing spatulas.
    "Yes?" she asked. 
    "You gots any money for a few down and out souls?" one of them 
asked.
    "No," she replied.
    "I think you're lyin'"
    "Think what you want, good-bye,"
    "No, no, no," said the thug. "Y'see, we charge a toll to walk 
through this park. If you ain't got no money, we need to work out 
another form of payment. Get her!"
    Three of the thug's friends moved to grab Ukyou. 
    There were two flashes and two of the thugs dropped, howling in 
pain at the razor edged spatulas that were sicking into them. 
    The third tried to manuver around Ukyou, but she jumped ten feet 
straight up and over him, whipped out her four foot combat spatula 
and whacked the thug into dreamland. 
    The leader and the others moved toward her pulling out assorted 
weaponry.
    Ukyou smiled and reached into her shirt. She pulled out a small 
bag of flour and hurled it at the ground. Instantly,  a huge cloud 
surrounded her and the thugs.
    When the flour settled, Ukyou was standing victorious on a pile 
of moaning junkies.
    "Looks like America isn't *that* much different from Japan," said 
Ukyou.
    Then she heard the sirens.


    "And that's the whole story," Akane finished.
    "So," Aaron said. "Not only are you two here, but Ukyou and Ryoga 
as well. You were in Nerima one minute and then D.C. the next,"
    "Sounds like something out of a comic book, doesn't it?" Akane 
said. Aaron began to laugh.
    "What's so funny?" asked Ranma sternly. Aaron shut up.
    "I'm afraid I have some bad news," he began but was interrupted 
when a police car passed by and he heard the radio message through 
the open window.
    "One-eighty-six, report of an assault in Lafayette Park. 
Perpetrator is about sixteen, Asian, and was reported carrying 
a...spatula?"
    Aaron stood up. "Come on,"
    "What?" 
    "I think we just found Ukyou,"
    
    "Oh, come on, lieutenant!"
    "No, Miller!" said Lt. Chuck Mallory. "There's no bail for 
the Kuonji girl. She roughed up some kids in Lafayette Park, for no 
reason," 
    "I saw those kids, Chuck, they shake down anyone they see as easy 
prey. How were they to know she could swing a spatula like that?"
    "That's another thing, we're not so sure she's alright upstairs," 
said Mallory. "She's got no ID, no passport, and no SS number. Toss 
her and that four foot spatula in with that nutcase with the umbrella 
and the neverending bandannas and that's a full day,"
    "Did you say umbrella and never-ending bandannas?"
    "Yeah, said his name was Hibiki. Ryoga Hibiki. Came barging in 
here looking for some sorta dojo. Then he attacked a couple of 
officers when they tried to get him to calm down. We tossed him in 
the lockup. Tried to get rid of that damn bandanna, but there was 
just another one under it, and another and another. And before you 
ask, NO, there's no bail for him either. At least, not until we 
figure out just what the hell is going on!"
    Aaron sighed, and did what he always did whenever he wanted 
Mallory to do something for him.
    "All right, Chuck, you win. I'll tell you what's going on,"
    "Really?"
    "You're holding one person who just happened to be lost and came 
in here for help. He's not exactly the social type true, but your 
boys over reacted. Admit it, which one of them acted aggressively 
first? I lay even odds your rookies pulled their guns, right?"
    Mallory grumbled. Aaron pressed on.
    "And your holding a girl who was simply defending herself when 
she was accosted, using an unusual weapon true, but do you think any 
jury's gonna convict either of them? Let 'em go, drop the charges, 
and I won't say anything about how the D.C. police treated some Asian 
friends of mine!" Mallory's face had turned a shade of purple by that 
time.
    "Tell Blevins to let 'em out, and don't let me catch your friends 
again or so help me, you'll be in there with 'em!"
    "Pleasure doing business with you, Lieutenant," Aaron said on his 
way out the door.

    "Thank you, Miller-san," said Ukyou.
    "You have my thanks as well," Ryoga added.
    "Call me Aaron. I keep looking for my father whenever I hear the 
phrase Mr. Miller,"
    "How'd you get them to drop the charges?" Akane asked.
    "A great American tradition called blackmail. Lt. Mallory's so 
afraid of being exposed as the bigot he is, he'll do anything short 
of false arrest or murder to shut me up,"
    "Well, now what?" Ranma asked.
    "I think I need to explain a few things to you guys. I don't 
suppose you've got anywhere to stay?" The four anime stars looked at 
each other.
    "I thought not," said Aaron. "Come on, you can stay at my place. 
My roomates all went home for Spring Break anyway,"
    "Thanks a lot, Aaron,"said Ranma. "I guess you're not quite the 
loon I thought you were,"
    "Thank you, Ranma," Aaron said, bowing mockingly. "It's a rare 
honor to have four well-known fictional characters staying at my 
place,"
    "FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?" the Nerimites yelled.
    "Oh, hell," said Aaron.
    
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Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":

    "Things go from bad to worse. After explaining to the "Ranma 1/2" 
characters that they don't really exist in this world, we have to 
figure out who's killing off some of the local street punks and 
taking their heads to the police. I'll give you three guesses as to 
who it is,"

(Insert clip of Gally trouncing Grewicica)

    "And the first two don't count,"
    
    Be here for: "Law vs. Justice---What Do You Mean They're Not the 
Same Thing?" next on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!"

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Brought to you by

Erin Mills
Mill0622@badger.snow.edu
All DETAILED flames, questions, comments, and incoherent ramblings 
are accepted.