Ack! I caught a few mistakes too late. They're corrected here.

Paul C.
--
   Okay, here's the completed new instalment of the round robin; what 
I've added before has been altered slightly, so I hope you don't mind...

Paul Corrigan
CON

                       THE STORY(?)

RANMA 1/2 ROUND ROBIN:  Hoops, Nerima Style

Through a long and amazing string of coincidences and a stunning
lack of violence on the part of all parties, the boys of Nerima
gathered together for a little shoot-around of basketball at the
local gym.   Surprisingly, nobody attacked anybody yet.

Hey, it's Nerima.  Stuff happens.

At first all was fine.  Mousse proved to be a sharpshooter (as long
as his glasses were on), Ryoga had inside post-up moves with so much 
power that he'd make Shaquile O'Neal envious, Ranma displayed an
all-around talent, and Kuno, amazingly, was a strong shotblocker.

Gosunkugi... well... couldn't shoot... couldn't dribble... in fact, there 
wasn't much he COULD do.

Well, he made quick passes.

And it was when Gosunkugi was caught under the basket that the
problems started.  For some reason he was wearing candles on his
head again, and then.....

*thump*bumb*wham*
"AGH!  I'm on fire!"

"Yeah, right, Gos.  You've been tossing bricks all day!" yelled Ranma.
"No, dummy," said Akane, "he's burning up!"
"WATER!  WATER!  WATER!"

*splash*

"oops."
"Pig-tailed girl?!??! When did you arrive?"
"Oh no."
"It matters not!  Come to my arms, my love!"
***WHAM***

       "RANMA!! How dare you strike my teamate??!?" Ryoga screamed, his fangs 
flashing dangerously in the gym's weak light

       "Since when did you care so much about Kuno, P-chan?" Ranma
questioned in mock innocence. 

       "That's not the poi--WHAT did you call me?  DIE SAOTOME!!" Ryoga 
cried as he engaged Ranma at half court.

       WHOOOSH!!!  The flames that had originated on Gosunkugi's head,
had reached the love potion he had been carrying in his pocket to try on
Akane after the game.  As the inferno that was Gosunkugi made it's way
toward the water fountain, Kuno stirred. He could feel someone leaning
over him.  His vision still blurry, all he could detect was long dark
hair.  This could be but one person...
       
       "Ahhhh, my darling Akane Tendo.  I see that you have come to waken
me so that I might rise like the Phoenix and display my awesome skill in 
this sport.  Fear not, my love, for your cheers are not in vain.  I
shall smite mine opponents with skill imparted to me by the gods
themselves.  But first, for inspiration in my coming competition, let me 
draw forth a kiss from your lovely lips..."

       Mousse had no idea where on the court he was.  He had gone up for
a rebound and someone had knocked his glasses off.  The last thing he
remembered was hearing a scream and inhaling the sickly sweet smell of
burning flesh before all hell had broken loose.  He saw a blurry form
lying on the floor and assumed(as he almost always did)that it must be
Shampoo.  He was about to declare his love for her when he noticed that
she was not moving.  He thought to himself: this is my chance; I'll wake
her with a kiss and she'll be mine.  Like one of those European fairy
tales.  He was so caught up in his vision he failed to notice that
"Shampoo" seemed to be saying something to him, in a decidedly masculine
voice.  As he knelt to confer conciousness upon her, Hikaru the Human
Torch ran by, being chased by Akane and her friends who were carrying
buckets of water.  Mousse smiled, one kiss and Shampoo would be his... 

       Nabiki had been watching the whole debacle from the stands(she 
had been taking bets against Team Ranma; the line was 6 points).  As 
Gosunkugi, by now a pillar of flame, ran by, Nabiki offered to sell him 
the fire extinguisher she had just grabbed from the wall.  Whether he 
heard her or not we might never know, for being unable to see in front of 
smoke and fire that made up his being he crashed into a wall and fell 
over.  This gave Akane and her friends a chance to catch up with him.  As 
they doused Gosunkugi with water, Akane heard a maniacal cackle that 
chilled her blood.  Kodachi Kuno had entered the building.

       "What have you done with my darling Ranma, you pig-tailed witch? 
Answer me, before I flog within a inch of your life."
       
       Ranma knew he was in trouble.  He had been holding his own against
Ryoga, but with Kodachi here as well things looked bleak.  It was time to 
invoke the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts Secret Attack.  
As he looked around for an appropriate escape route he saw something that 
gave him reason for pause.  Mousse and Kuno were on the floor in each 
other's arms.  As Ranma turned his attention back the battle he heard one 
thing.

  It sounded like a bell, like those found on...
  ...bicycles?
  "Nihao!"
  *Crash* went the bike through the gym window, landing at a rather high 
velocity on top of Ryoga. Just where Shampoo learned to ride that bike in 
such a fashion as to make Evil Knievel cringe has never been determined.
  Ryoga gasped for air. Having a bike on top of your ribcage doesn't help 
breathing one bit.
  "Shampoo bring airen nice lunch!"
  Ranma just stared at her.
  "You no are hungry yet? No matter, keep for later...Aiya! Why are you 
girl again?"
  "Get offa me..." wheezed Ryoga.
  "Out of my way, Chinawoman," said Kodachi, motioning to Shampoo to step 
aside. "I have some vermin to stamp out."
  "Hey, crazy girl, why you want beat up Shampoo husband?" 
  "This, my dear, could not possibly be your husband," replied Kodachi in 
a tone generally reserved for children or animals. "It is, as you can 
see," she continued, taking advantage of the pig-tailed girl's obvious 
distraction and seizing the opportunity to grab her by the arm and poke her 
chest (after the style of Nabiki Tendo), "a female. Now then, if you 
continue to interfere I shall personally see to it that you do not live to 
give birth to any degenerates like yourself."
  "Get...offa...me..." gasped Ryoga.
  "Kodachi, please don't do that..." started Ranma.
  "You save your breath for your prayers. Assuming you have a soul, of 
course...am I making myself clear, Chinawoman?"
  "That girl is Ranma, crazy girl. You no know much, yes?"
  Ryoga was now a remarkable shade of blue. "Shampoo..."
  Kodachi seethed. Foreigners! Idiots every last one!...She suddenly 
grabbed the pig-tailed girl's top and tore it top to bottom.
  "Hey, whatcha..." Ranma began again.
  "Quiet!" shouted Kodachi in response. Then, to Shampoo:
  "Does this look like Lord Ranma to you? Does it? Does it?"
  "That is Ranma. Cold water make him girl. You no know this?" responded 
the "Chinawoman." The Japanese amazed her sometimes.
  "What _are_ you _babbling_ about?"
  "I no lie. I see it many time. And cold water make me cat. You want I 
show you?"
  Ranma got a panicky look in her eyes and started to shake his head 
vigorously. Ryoga for his part was waving his arms about furiously, 
desperate for air. To an objective observer--Nabiki, say, who was watching 
all this with great interest--his antics were in fact quite amusing. Though 
of course not for Ryoga.
  Kodachi seemed to calm down a bit.
  "No, Chinawoman, that won't be necessary." She smiled a little. "Now I 
understand."
  Shampoo smiled. Finally! "Good. You are not as stupid as I think you 
are. Now you let Ranma go?"
  "Schizophrenia. Mental and physical degeneracy is quite common among 
rustics like yourself. Inbreeding's part of it."
  "Schizo-what? Airen, what she say? I no know big words crazy girl like."
  Ryoga was beginning to think this would be the end. What a way to go... 
strangled by a bike...
  Ranma thought for a moment. "Um...She says...you and the other Amazons 
are mad and brainless weaklings who get children by their brothers." It 
wasn't quite accurate, but it captured the sense pretty well. Or so Ranma 
thought.
  Shampoo thought about that for a moment.
  Ranma thought he heard a thunderclap.
  Shampoo slowly got off her bike, which fell to the ground with a 
clatter. Ryoga jumped up and gulped in air like a fish.
  "Come here, crazy girl. I no hurt you."
  Kodachi didn't trust the Chinawoman. Foreigners were sneaky people to a 
man. But the look in the Chinawoman's eyes indicated that she was liable to 
kill at any moment and thus not to be trifled with. She approached 
cautiously.
  And Shampoo took Kodachi by the cheek and kissed her almost tenderly.
  All the blood drained from Ranma's face.
  The complete opposite happened to Kodachi, who went as red as a radish. 
"Um...ah...please...um...I'm sure you're glad to know the truth but... 
aren't you being a little too affectionate? There are people here and..."
  Ranma decided to speak up. "Um, Kodachi...that was the kiss of death."

  Nabiki was so glad she had her camera. A picture of Kodachi and Shampoo 
together! And Kodachi blushing like _that_! If she knew Kuno-chan's sister, 
that could only mean one thing...she was actually getting off on it! 
Impossible! Not that she was to be blamed, if she was inclined that way... 
but Kodachi! Guess being in a girl's school too long'll do that to you...Of 
course it probably _was_ just embarrassment, but she didn't have to tell 
Sister Bernadette at St. H's about that. "Conduct unbecoming of a young 
lady"...tee hee hee! The blackmail money from "Lady Kuno" would put her 
through college if she played her cards right!

  "I'm sure that's perfectly acceptable where you come from," Kodachi went 
on, "but such displays really aren't appropriate in Japan and we are both 
girls you know, it just isn't done..."
  "Um...Kodachi..." Ranma interrupted.
  Ryoga took the opportunity to slip away. 
  Kodachi stopped and turned to Ranma, whom she had kept in a vice grip 
even when approaching Shampoo. "If _you_ of all people are going to _dare_ 
speak to _me_ before _I_ speak to _you_," she spat at the pig-tailed girl, 
all the while shaking her and giving her a look so vicious that it would 
have given an SS man the shivers, "much less address me as _anything_ other 
than 'mistress', you shall address me as Lady Kuno. Now then. What is it?"
  "You do realize she just gave her promise to hunt you to the end of the 
earth and kill you, 'mistress'?" said the pig-tailed girl.
  This preturbed Kodachi just a tad. Her only response was a rather 
apologetic "I'm sorry?"
  Shampoo stepped back a few paces, grabbing her bonbori from the back of 
her bike. They were there as insurance, in case she needed to deliver ramen 
to bad neighborhoods.
  Or send people who insulted her to hell.
  "Crazy girl...Nobody insult Shampoo and tribe that much for _ten_ 
_thousand_ _year_..."
  "Shampoo, don't..." Ranma began. He wasn't being allowed finish his 
sentences very often lately.
  "Quiet, airen. This girl no bother you any more when I finish." replied 
Shampoo.
  Then, to Kodachi...
  "_I KILL!_"

  While all the above was going on, Mousse prepared to kiss his beloved on 
her beautiful lips...
  He felt a tap on his shoulder.
  "Are these yours?" said a yellow shape.
  Mousse turned. Oh no..."Don't interrupt!"
  "Are these your glasses?" said the shape, offering something to Mousse.
  "Oh. Yes. Thank you," said Mousse, putting on his glasses. The shape 
resolved itself into Ryoga.
  "No problem. Have fun," said Ryoga with a slight smirk before wandering 
off.
  "Do not mock us!" shouted Mousse after him, before bending back down 
towards his prize.
  "Pig-tailed girl..." muttered Kuno.
  "Shampoo..." 
  Mousse saw for the first time whom he'd been planning on kissing.
  Oh _no_. 
  "Wait, you're not Shampoo..."
  Kuno's vision finally returned to him.
  That definitely was not the pig-tailed girl. 
  She didn't have glasses. 
  Much less have five-o'clock shadow.
  "Hmmm. Wouldst thou kiss _me_?"
  "Ah, well, you see..."
  "Astounding, that I, the great Tatewaki Kuno, should bewitch even the 
same sex. Alas, I fear I cannot reciprocate. Indeed, I find the idea of two 
men participating together in the act of love absolutely repulsive."
  "No...you don't...ah...it's not what you think..."
  Kunou rose to his feet. "So repulsive that I cannot allow people who 
willingly commit such acts to live. Especially," he continued, his voice 
becoming harsher now, "when they dare approach _me_!"
  "No...I'm not..."
  "_SODOMITE, PREPARE TO DIE!_"

  As it happened, Kuno and Shampoo said their respective battle cries at 
the same moment. If somebody had not stepped in at that moment, at least 
two people would have been seriously hurt.
  But nobody was, at least not quite then.
  There was supposed to be a game going on here. A game that bets were 
riding on. Much money could be won or lost depending on the outcome--if the 
game went on.
  If it ceased with no winner, nobody could lose or make money.
  Nabiki wanted to make money.

  "Kuno-chan! Shampoo!" called out everybody's favorite capitalist as 
she stepped down from the bleachers. "Stop!"
  "NO!" they called out in unison.
  "Hey, hey, hey. There is supposed to be a game going on here."
  "Thou wouldst put a game before honor, Nabiki Tendo?" said Kuno, 
absolutely incredulous that anybody could suggest such a thing. "Sometimes 
thou truly amazest me."
  "Ah, basketball is silly game anyway," put in Shampoo. "_I KILL!_"
  "No. No. Wait. Okay. Here's the thing. Now. I was planning on making 
much money on a basketball game and I'm damned if there isn't going to be a 
game today."
  "Thy point, Nabiki Tendo?"
  "Simple. Mousse, Shampoo, this side of me. Kuno-chan, Kodachi, the other 
side. Now. My idea. The four of you. Two on two. Mousse and Shampoo versus 
Tacchi"--Kuno shuddered visibly at that word--"and Kotchi. Winner gets to 
beat the tar out of the other until their honor is satisfied, or something. 
How does that sound?"
  Ranma goggled.
  "I don't know..." said Mousse. "I have no grudge against this man."
  "Basketball was never my forte..." added Kodachi. She remembered the 
Hinako business too well for her own comfort.
  "Fine. Let me throw in an added bonus. Okay. Kuno-chan, you and Kodachi 
win, I'll personally see to it that you get a romantic evening with the 
pig-tailed girl."
  "WHAT!" shouted Ranma.
  "Kodachi, you'll get to spend an evening with Ranma--and you won't have 
to share him with those other girls this time."
  Ranma facefaulted.
  "Oh yes, to be with my Lord Ranma, alone..." gushed Kodachi. "Oh if only 
he were here now..."
  "Well? Yes or no?" said Nabiki in her most businesslike tone.
  "Of course!" said Lady Kuno. "How could I say no?"
  "Kuno?"
  Kuno was shaken from his X-rated thoughts about the pig-tailed girl. "I 
accept."
  "Okay. Shampoo..."
  "I no want fight with duck-boy!"
  "You won't be. You'll be playing basketball. Now. You two win, you get a 
date with Ranma."
  Shampoo bounced up and down like a little girl. "Oh yes! Airen! Of 
course I play!"
  "And I?" asked Mousse.
  "No, you don't get a date with Shampoo," said Nabiki. She valued her 
life.
  "Then...?"
  "_You_ get to kick Ranma's butt all over town without resistance. 
Akane!" called Nabiki to her sister, who'd just come back from putting 
Hikaru out. "You'll help Mousse kick Ranma's butt, won't you?"
  Ranma began to get up.
  Akane thought for a moment.
  "He was about to eat Shampoo's food again."
  "Okay."
  Ranma went down again.
  "I accept," said Mousse.
  "All right _then_!" called Nabiki. "The four of you, positions! People, 
place your bets on the two-on-two China-Japan Basketball faceoff! Place 
your bets! Place your bets!"
  "I don't believe this..." said Ranma.
  "Believe it, Ms. Gourmet," said Akane. "My money's going on Mousse. By 
the way."
  "What?"
  Akane hit him over the head. Again.
  "In the name of all that's sacred will you put something on! Pervert. 
Putting on a display for the whole town. What _I_ have done to deserve 
being _your_ fiancee I'll never know. You deserve Shampoo, Kodachi _and_ 
Kuno..."
  Ranma went quite red.

  Everybody on the court took their positions:
  China Goal: Mousse
  China Forward: Shampoo
  Japan Goal: Kodachi
  Japan Forward: Kuno
  Referee: (found wandering the court, unable to find the door) Ryoga.

  Nabiki, with some difficulty, directed Ryoga to the center of the court 
and gave him the ball (long forgotten in the confusion) and the whistle. 
"You know the rules, right?"
  "I think so..." said Ryoga.
  "All right. It's all yours. Ta ta!"
  Exit Nabiki, dreaming of the money she'd make and the trouble she'd 
cause Ranma no matter who won.
  "Okay..." Ryoga said to nobody in particular, and tossed the ball into 
the air, blowing the whistle for all he was worth.

  Next installment:

Ryoga blew the whistle and tossed the ball high into the air.

Kuno jumped, displaying a surprising ability to jump high.
Mousse jumped, matching Kuno in velocity and height.  They were like
two rockets, aimed for the ball.
And then Shampoo jumped...
And Kodachi...

The four colided rather spectacularly in mid-air and somehow managed to
slam their collective heads together, making a magnificent *KLONG* type
noise that any sound effects man would have loved to record.

"Jeez," said Ranma-chan, "guess they don't know the rules too much."

Ryoga approached the four carefully.  He knew that waking them up suddenly
was like asking for a punch (or bokken/ribbon/bonbori/misc. chain weapon) 
in the face.

"Um... hello?" he said cautiously, ready to spring back.

Nabiki shook her head.  "How pathetic, Kuno-chan."

"Ha!  Morons!" Ranma was enjoying herself a lot.  "Hey, Nabiki, I guess
the game is off, right?"

Nabiki narrowed her eyes in thought.  "Mmm.... no."

"No?  Why the hell not?!?!"

"Well, Ranma, correct me if I'm wrong, but a game of basketball consists
of four quarters, each being twelve minutes long, thus for a total of
fourty-eight minutes, right?"

Ranma frowned.  "How long have they been knocked out, anyways?"

"About five minutes.  Ryoga!  Wake'em up!"

"What?  Why me?" yelled Ryoga.  "Why not... um... Gosunkugi?"
------------------------------------
meanwhile...

Gosunkugi woke up, feeling dazed, sooty, and somewhat burnt.
His vision was still rather blurry. 

"What happened?" he said, as he looked around.  He felt bits of
broken glass in his pocket where the love potion he had once
was.  Now it was all gone... all...

"Uh oh."

That love potion was strong stuff, allegedly.  A dose and you'd be
in love with somebody.  Just a touch on the skin would start some strong
infatuation.

And that _was_ a wet spot he felt where the glass was...

He prayed that nobody was near.  He had to find Akane somehow.
Gosunkugi closed his eyes and stumbled around.

*WHAM*  "Ow!"

He hopped around in pain with a stubbed toe and his eyes now very
much wide open.

Ah, good, he thought, nobody here.  Just the soda machine, and the
water fountain.

He heard footsteps.  His head felt funny.

--------------------

"Ranma, where are you going?" asked Akane.

"To the soda machine.  I'm kinda thirsty.  Want anything?"

"Hm... no.  Hey, check on Gosunkugi while you're over there.  We left him
there to recover."

"Whatever," Ranma said, as she made her way out.

-------------------
Ranma approached the soda machine.
She saw Gosunkugi as she reached for the soda machine.
Gosunkugi saw her.
Time froze...
-------------------

Meanwhile, on the court, Nabiki was shoving Ryoga towards the
unconscious four.

"Dammit, wake them up!" she yelled.

"I'm not getting paid for this!" he protested.

"Do it, or _else_ I'll tell."

Ryoga turned white.  She knew!  She knew about him being P-chan!
But... but how?  No way!

"Ryoga, I mean it.  Now get moving."  Nabiki didn't know what Ryoga was
so afraid of, but she figured that everyone in this town had something
to hide, and with her reputation, they'd _think_ that she knew anyways.
She looked Ryoga over as he walked away.  Hm... not bad, not bad at all.
She felt that maybe it was time to get herself a personal thug.  Besides,
he's got a nice butt...

Ryoga carefully approached the unconscious four, just knowing that
disaster was waiting...

----------------
"Hey, Ranma, how's Gosunkugi?"
"Um... well... I'm not sure."
"You're not sure?
"When I got there, he was kissing the soda machine and wouldn't let me
get a drink.  The guy called me a pervert..."
"Ha.  That's no surprise."
"Shut up."
----------------

Ryoga pondered who to wake first.  Waking Kodachi might result in
getting poisoned.  He might end up in a blizzard of very sharp chained
objects if he woke up Mousse (or he might be called "Shampoo" and get
kissed, which he still didn't like).  With Shampoo, he might get his
skull caved in or get punted out through the roof.  Kuno would either
declare war on Ryoga or get smacked silly with a bokken.

"Hm... what to do, what to do..."

   It was perhaps just as well for Ryoga that the decision as to whom he 
should wake up would rather quickly become moot.

   It suddenly hit Ranma that there wasn't a soda machine there before.

   It is in the nature of most love potions that they usually induce one to 
fall in love only with the first human one sees. The case in _A Midsummer 
Night's Dream_ where the woman fell in love with the creature with a 
donkey's head is of course a notable exception.
   That didn't occur to Gosunkugi, however, who right now was seriously 
considering devoting his life to this soda can dispenser.
   "Be mine, be mine," he said to it, over and over, his eyes shut, while 
kissing it continuously.
   "You're really very nice..." said the soda machine in a sweet soprano 
voice.
   "Hm?" said Gosunkugi, surprised indeed that the object of his affection 
deigned to speak to him, or even could speak for that matter, much less in 
Kansai dialect. "What did you say?"
   Then he opened his eyes.
   The soda machine had adopted the shape of a cute schoolgirl with fairly 
short light brown hair decorated by a ribbon, wearing a yellow sailor suit.
   "I said you're really very nice," said the girl with the soda machine's 
voice, "but I'm afraid I only like girls. Have you seen Ukyo Kuonji 
anywhere?"
   Gosunkugi dropped to his knees and kissed the girl's hand.
   "Marry me," he said.
   "You what?" said Tsubasa.

   The aforementioned Ukyo Kuonji had just arrived at the gym to bring 
Ranchan his lunch. Finally. Thank God. She'd have been here long ago, but 
fate had seemed to be conspiring against her all that morning. It had been 
almost impossible to find someone willing to look after the shop that hour 
while she was out. Oh, Ukyo, I can't come in, I've a hangnail! God 
almighty! Sometimes girls disgusted her. Perhaps she should have remained a 
boy.
   At the moment, as it happened, she was very much in a masculine mode, in 
a man's shirt and trousers (complete of course with spatula bandolier and 
the Ukyo Special on her back), her chest bound underneath, and her hair 
in a ponytail. She could still fool anyone who knew no better, she had to 
admit she was proud of that. A fellow from the local economic development 
bureau had been at Ucchan's earlier having an early lunch, ostensibly, but 
mostly asking her all sorts of questions. Asking him all sorts of 
questions. Government types like that, all people with whom her 
relationship was purely business as a matter of fact, she still had think 
she was a man. In this world men got taken far more seriously.
   What with that and having to work as long as she had (for want of 
someone to fill in) she'd had no time to change into anything more 
feminine. Mind you, Ranma seemed to prefer her this way, he'd said so 
himself more than once. Maybe there was hope yet. God knows what occupied 
his mind late at night!...Anyway, it was no great loss, she knew the 
principal came into the gym now and again to go swimming, he was a great 
one for swimming. And she was damned if she was going to blow her cover and 
be forced into a girl's uniform and be made take home economics.
   She remained a boy to three classes of personal enemy: government 
officials; school officials; and a certain other transvestite from the 
Kansai.
   The three T's: tax collectors, teachers and...
   Through the door she went, and around the corner into the corridor 
leading to the basketball gym.
   Just in time to see Tsubasa Kurenai being lavished with kisses by Hikaru 
Gosunkugi.
   For a moment she just stared.
   She could die in peace. She'd seen everything now.
   Then it took all her willpower not to explode with laughter.
   But no. This was an opportunity too good to pass up.

   "You what?" said Tsubasa.
   She spoke to me again! thought Gosunkugi.
   "So, you enjoying yourself then, Tsubasa?"
   If Tsubasa had known no better--which of course he did--he would have 
believed the familiar voice from behind him to be a man's, a fairly 
pleasant sounding tenor.
   Pleasant when it was not addressing him, that is.
   Mind you, usually it screamed at him. Right now it was matter-of-fact 
mixed with a little bit of sarcasm and--disappointment?
   He turned to face Ukyo, who right now appeared as manly as she got. Her 
face was expressionless.
   "Oh...hello, Ukyo!" said Tsubasa in his cutest voice. "Thank God you're 
here! Could you beat this nutter up for me?"
   "Who's your new boyfriend then?" said Ukyo, in a tone now dripping with 
jealousy.
   There was something very odd going on here, thought Tsubasa. Men asking 
for his hand in marriage? Ukyo jealous?
   "He's not me boyfriend!" he whined. "He's annoying me!"
   "Oh is he now? Well you don't seem to be making much effort to stop him 
annoying you, are you?"
   "Calm yourself Ukyo, I came up from Osaka to see you again let go you 
pervert and I came here because I heard Ranma would be here Let Me Go and 
you seem to like him so I thought you might be here..."
   "Is that how you say 'how do you do' to the love of your life then? 
Letting total strangers paw you right in front of them?"
   "You don't understand, love kiss me one more time and I'll break your 
skull, I don't know this fella at all..."
   "You don't? What sort of moron do you take me for? Sure amn't I just 
after seeing you and him all over each other, and you telling him how" 
(Ukyo's horrible parody of Tsubasa's voice on) "'really very nice'" 
(parody off) "he is? I suppose he must _be_ very nice."
   Ukyo now seemed about to cry. "And me here thinking you loved me, God 
what a twit I am...how could you do this to me, Tsubasa?"
   Tsubasa was near panic. "I do! I do!"
   "And Gosunkugi of all people! Great taste in men you have, Tsubasa," 
Ukyo went on. She approached the fairly confused Gosunkugi and made as if 
to look him over. "He's twice the man I am, anyone can see that. Good God," 
she continued, grabbing Hikaru's biceps, "what bulging muscles he has! Sure 
he'll be far better able to look after you than I'd ever be."
   "Ukyo, listen to me now..."
   "It's no use," lamented Ukyo. "I see it now. You need a real man like 
Gosunkugi, not me." She sighed. "What am I going to do without you at all, 
Tsubasa...Mind you it's probably for the best, I suppose. God works in 
strange ways, after all..."
   "Ukyo..."
   "Goodbye, Tsubasa," said Ukyo, in her masculine voice. "If you ever 
loved me at all be happy with him for me."
   Then, in her natural voice, to Gosunkugi:
   "You win, Mr. Gosunkugi. Congratulations. I hope you'll be happy too. 
Look after him, won't you?"
   "Him?" said Gosunkugi.
   "What, don't you know?" said Ukyo, suddenly looking as if she was going 
to burst out laughing--which made sense, because she was, any second. 
"That's a guy!"
   And she ran down the corridor to the gym, laughing maniacally like the 
presently unconscious Lady Kodachi Kuno, and waving the Ukyo Special this 
way and that and jabbing with it at anything in sight in sheer mirth.
   "Ukyo! Come back! Ukyo!..." Tsubasa thought he was going to cry. 
"Come...you're _nasty_!"
   "Marry me," said Gosunkugi, who by now had resumed his embraces.
   "I can't," replied Tsubasa. "She's right you know. I really am a guy."
   Gosunkugi gave the lovely girl before him an odd look. A man? 
Impossible. She was playing hard to get. But she had spoken to him again...
   "Marry me."   
   Tsubasa now brought into play something he only used in dire 
emergencies--his natural, masculine voice. "I _said_ I'm a _guy_."
   "Marry me."
   With all his might Tsubasa forced Gosunkugi away and pulled off his top 
to reveal his flat chest. "LISTEN YOU BLOODY PERVERT, I'M A GUY OKAY? AND 
IF YOU TOUCH ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL RIP YOUR BLOODY HEAD OFF! DO YOU HEAR 
ME?" he yelled, in as uncute a voice as possible.
   Gosunkugi for a moment looked shocked. Why was his love so angry?
   He glomped onto Tsubasa again.
   "Marry me."
   "Oh s---"
   (Expletive deleted courtesy of Viz Communications)

   Ukyo bounded into the gym, laughing and giggling like there was no 
tomorrow. This was great. This was just great.
   She saw Ranma, and, homing in on him at top speed, jumped high into 
the air and gave one last jab with the Ukyo Special before reaching 
ground level and glomped onto him with full force, kissing him full on the 
lips in a manner normally associated with the presently outcold Shampoo.
   All this surprised Ranma just a little.
   "Well hello there, Ranchan!" said Ukyo in her cutest voice, after 
breaking off the kiss, but still similng like God knew what. "How are you 
then? Who's winning the game? Sorry I'm late, couldn't get away from the 
shop. Are you hungry then? I brought you some lunch, how does some..."
   "Woah, woah, woah, slow down," said Ranma. "Geez, what did _you_ have 
for breakfast?"
   "Yeah," said on ominous voice from behind. "Why are you in such a good 
mood all of a sudden?"
   Ukyo turned her head and saw Akane for the first time. Right now the 
energy that Ranma's plain fiancee was giving off could have lit up the 
whole gym for a fraction of the cost of electricity, if it had not been 
daytime.
   "You two make a cute couple," said Akane through her teeth, clenching 
her fists all the while. "So who's going to be your best man, Mr. Kuonji?"
   Ukyo noticed for the first time that Ranchan was in his female form.
   She let go. Aggravating Akane was not a good idea. Not that she was 
worried about herself, but she'd rather Ranchan didn't get hurt.
   She didn't break her smile though.
   "I'd no time to change. Anyway. Guess what I saw in the hall, Akane."
   "_What_?" growled Akane.
   "Hikaru Gosunkugi..."
   "Yeah, so?"
   "...making out with Tsubasa Kurenai."
   "Making out with _who_?" said Ranma.
   Akane's glow disappeared. She unclenched her fists.
   This was _weird_.
   "Tsubasa?"
   Ukyo nodded. "Aye. Saw the whole thing I did!"
   "Um...did Tsubasa like it?" said Ranma.
   "Not at all! I come into the hall and see Hikaru all over him. Tsubasa 
says" (Tsubasa parody on) "will you beat this nutter up for me love?" 
(Tsubasa parody off)
   "Did you?"
   "No. The little sod deserves what he gets."
   "So what did you do?"
   "I told them I hoped they'd be very happy together."
   "You gave Tsubasa..." began Ranma.
   "...to Gosunkugi?" finished Akane.
   "You really hate him, don't you, Ucchan?"
   "Ukyo, that was cruel. Tell me the truth. Are you really a girl?"
   "What?" replied Ukyo. She thought Akane knew she was a girl.
   "No girl would be that cruel. You can't possibly..."
   But there was nobody there but the lad from the Kansai who, with a heavy 
heart, had wished Gosunkugi and Tsubasa the very best.
   "A girl?" said the young man. "Do I look like a girl to you?"
   What had remained of Akane's anger dissolved as she broke into titters 
along with Ukyo.
   Ranma rolled his eyes. Girls.

   Meanwhile, out on the court, the living proof that Akane's 
non-femininity litmus test was not terribly reliable was not in a good 
mood. It is not often that Nabiki Tendo is observed to glow like her 
younger sister, so it was a shame that nobody could capture it on film. 
Gosunkugi might have, but he was otherwise occupied.
   Ryoga still hadn't made up his mind as to whom to wake up. Her threat to 
reveal his secret, whatever that was, hadn't helped him make a decision, 
just scared him.
   Stick method hadn't worked. Time for the carrot approach.
   "Listen, Ryoga. You wake them up, and if they lay a finger on you I'll 
personally see to it any medical expenses are paid for."
   Ryoga blinked. That was awfully generous of Nabiki. It might cost more 
than what she'd make on the game.
   "You'd pay for it?"
   "No, I'd personally see to it that whoever hurts you pays for it. They 
won't, I sue. Not as if they don't owe me a mint each as it is."
   "Each?" Ryoga knew about Kuno's photo collection--everyone did--but...
   Nabiki indicated Kuno. "Photos. Lots of photos. Some quite disgusting, 
and I've seen disgusting. Ranma owes me a bundle too. Hot water, Christmas 
presents for A-KANE ahem. Anyway." Then Kodachi. "Plants of all kinds, 
and pharmacological supplies. Some almost impossible to get legally in 
Japan or anywhere else."
   "Then where..." Ryoga began.
   "Never you mind." Nabiki pointed to Shampoo next. "The pharmacological 
supplies again, in raw form mostly. And fake residency papers." She 
indicated Mousse. "I forged papers for him too. _And_ I've been keeping  
the lot of them one step ahead of the cops for months. So. They touch you, 
I can have Kuno-chan do time for having child porno, Kotchi for drugs, and 
send China girl and duck boy packing back to Red China. Or at least 
threaten it. I don't have to actually do it. As a matter of fact I'd prefer 
not to."
   "Why not?" Nabiki would prefer _not_ to rid Tokyo of these people who 
helped Ranma make Akane's life such a burden? thought Ryoga. Was blood not 
thicker than water? Had Nabiki no sense of justice?
   "Because they drive Ranma nuts. True confessions time. I don't like that 
little jerk. I've hated him since the day he showed up. He causes nothing 
but trouble. He and his big fat pop eat our food and trash our place on a 
regular basis. People come looking for him either to kill him or marry him 
every day, it seems like. Only reason I haven't told his mom about his 
secret a long time ago is I know dad and Akane would never forgive me. 
Akane. He treats _Akane_ like complete crap. I hate that. Always flirting 
with other girls right in front of her. Especially with that wierdo chick 
who acts like a guy half the t--S---! [Trish Ledoux was here]" Nabiki 
pointed to Ukyo, who was at that moment glomping onto Ranma for dear life. 
"There he goes again! Right in front of her! God, I wish he'd go off with 
Kuonji, he'd be out of our house and off my freaking back. Point is, the 
more miserable he is, the happier I am. Besides, their credit is good. So 
are you going to wake them up or not?"
   Nabiki figured that if she spoke Ryoga's language she couldn't go wrong. 
It helped that she really didn't like Ranma or the way he treated Akane, so 
the speech wouldn't sound fake. Of course she wasn't terribly fond of her 
sister either. Spoiled little brat, always daddy's little girl, always got 
her way if she cried, or screamed, or hit someone hard enough. She'd only 
gotten worse as she got older. Hell, she probably deserved Ranma. But that 
didn't matter right now. Besides, badmouthing Akane in front of Mr. 
Get-me-upset-and-I-blow-up-your-house was not a good move.
   "Yes!" shouted Ryoga. "I'm with you! Ranma Saotome, today is the day I 
destroy your happiness!"
   He moved towards Shampoo...

   "Marry me," said Gosunkugi.
   "Look," said Tsubasa, in his natural voice (but a bit more calmly now) 
"are you going to go away and leave me the hell alone, or do I have to beat 
the tar out of you right here?"
   Gosunkugi glomped onto his beloved again. What was her name...Tsubasa? 
"Wings?" A perfect name for an angel...
   "Let's never be parted, Tsubasa my love."
   Tsubasa sighed. It had hit him that beating the tar out of Gosunkugi 
wasn't an option. There seemed to be a great number of martial artists in 
the Furinkan neighborhood of the Nerima Ward of Tokyo, and he didn't know 
how good this fellow was. Besides, he didn't want to ruin his complexion. 
To be anything less than presentable, to show signs of defilement in the 
presence of Ukyo, the deity he adored...
   An idea struck him.
   He was next to a basketball court, where a game was in progress, he 
knew. If he could lose himself there...
   "Tell you what, Gosunkugi..."
   She spoke to me! thought Gosunkugi.
   But suddenly there was nothing in his arms but...a basketball?
   "...if you catch me," the basketball said in Tsubasa's voice, "you can 
have me!"
   The basketball slipped from Gosunkugi's arms and bounced off towards the 
court, Gosunkugi in tow...

   Akane saw the basketball enter the court and bounce rapidly towards the 
other end.
   She then saw Gosunkugi chase the ball inside, making protestations of 
undying love all the while.
   She blinked.
   "What the..."
   Ukyo looked to see. "That'll be Tsubasa, I think."
   "Woah," said Ranma. "He's gotten good."
   "Aye, that he has," Ukyo replied. "I'm jealous, you know. Sure he never 
dressed up as sports equipment for me."
   "What?"
   "I'm joking, I'm joking. God..."
   Ranma's breathing resumed.

   "Yes!" shouted Ryoga. "I'm with you! Ranma Saotome, today is the day I 
destroy your happiness!"
   He moved towards Shampoo...
   ...was hit by a flying basketball...
   ...and was trampled by Gosunkugi, who then proceeded to run over the 
four unconscious martial arts basketball players, thus waking them up more 
or less simultaneously.
   Kuno was the first to speak.
   "Who doth rouse the great Tatewaki Kuno from his slumber?"
   Nabiki sighed. "You weren't slumbering, you were outcold." She pointed 
to the culprit, a scrawny guy with bags under his eyes. She knew that kid, 
real weirdo, liked stalking Akane, came to photo club now and again...what 
was his name? "It was him. He's got the ball, by the way, you might want to 
get it off him. You do want that date with your pig-tailed cutie, right?" 
(At least, Nabiki thought it was the ball. The real ball had rolled away 
again to parts unknown, and besides Nabiki didn't care too much about the 
ball, as long as some basketball was played some time that year.)
   Gosunkugi had by now caught up with the ball--Tsubasa, that is--, had 
dived to the ground to finally grab it and was now lying flat on 
the floor of the court, clutching it for dear life.
   "At last, you are mine...I will never let you go..." he whispered 
softly...
   "I beg to differ," said a voice.
   Gosunkugi knew it. Kuno.
   He looked up from the floor.
   Above him were Kuno, Kodachi, Shampoo and Mousse, who by now had gotten 
to their feet and looking to get their ball and continue the game. None 
of them were very happy.
   "Gosunkugi," said Kuno, "thou hast served me well in the past, but do 
not think that that will prevent me from giving thee a taste of my blade if 
thou dost not relinquish the ball this instant. Do so, or I fear thou shalt 
not have the honor of serving me again."
   "Keep in mind, Gosunkugi," Kodachi followed, "that I can get pictures of 
Lord Ranma from Nabiki Tendo just as easily as from you. They will, 
however, cost me twice as much. So be a good chap and hand over the ball, 
won't you? I'd rather not do something I'd regret. Even my pocket money 
only goes so far."
   "Give us ball, voodoo boy!" shouted Shampoo. One of the advantages of 
having a limited vocabulary is that one feels no obligation to make a long 
speech out of a simple request.
   Mousse's request was the most conventional. "Hand over the ball."
   Normally a death threat from Kuno or his sister alone, never mind from 
both of them coupled with implicit threats of violence from Mousse and 
Shampoo, would have sent Gosunkugi into panic. The present situation should 
have killed him through cardiac arrest.
   But not here. Not now.
   After all, it was not just him now, but Tsubasa.
   "Never!" said Gosunkugi. "We're in love! We're going to get married and 
have lots and lots of children, all as beautiful as she is!"
   Kuno blinked.
   Kodachi blinked.
   Shampoo blinked.
   Mousse blinked.
   Kuno turned to his sister. "Sister, if thou wouldst put this cretin out 
of his misery?"
   "Are you sure brother? You'd rather not do the honors?"
   "I fear that, powerful and well ableto bestow heaven's punishment for 
such perversions though I might be, I would be far too sporting to send 
this wretch to the underworld in as horrible a fashion as he so richly 
deserves for lusting after an inanimate object. However, sister, thou hast 
no such scruples. I have seen thee in the gymnastics ring, and may I say 
that the beatings that thou givest thy opponents, while not so sporting, 
are however far more satisfying to behold, especially in the case of 
creatures like this one. So, if you would?"
   "You flatter me, brother. But you are my lord. The honor is yours." 
Playing along with Tatewaki's delusions of grandeur could be quite fun 
sometimes, Kodachi thought. "However, may I point out that you are the 
offensive player and therefore you are the one who must get the ball if we 
are to score?"
   "Thou speakest the truth, sister. But thou mayest pass the ball to me, I 
believe. And in any case thou gettest enjoyment out of abusing such as this 
one?"
   "Well, yes, but still it's been a long time since you gave anyone a good 
thrashing, brother. I don't want all the fun, you know."
   "You want beat up voodoo boy, Mousse?" said Shampoo.
   "You don't want to, Shampoo?"
   "He beat me, he marry me. You no want that happen me, right Mousse?" 
said Shampoo, wiggling like mad.
   "Gosunkugi beat you? How could he possibly do anyone, never mind you? 
You can beat anyone, my love!"
   Except Ranma. Nobody could beat Ranma. Damn him! he thought.
   "Everything is possible, yes, Mousse?"
   Nabiki's glow, which had dimmed a little after she had convinced Ryoga 
to wake up the players, was now twice as bright as before.
   "WILL YOU DORKS STOP CLOWNING AROUND AND PLAY BASKETBALL!" she yelled at 
the top of her lungs.
   Someone tapped her on the shoulder.
   "Upperclassman Tendo..."
   Nabiki turned. It was Ukyo.
   It hit Nabiki that she'd never gotten that close a look at Ranma's 
pretty fiancee before. She looked at Ukyo for a moment. Hmm. Pretty 
fiancee or not, in her man's clothes Ukyo made quite a handsome guy even 
now. Nabiki knew that before people found out Mr. Kuonji's secret at 
Furinkan he--she--had gotten herself quite a few female admirers. Nabiki 
had even made a bit of cash taking photos of him--her--whatever. Hmmmmmmm. 
Not bad at all. No wonder she'd broken so many girls' hearts, she ought to 
be an actress. And she was available to boot...Nabiki shook herself 
mentally. Jeez, what the _hell_ was she thinking?
   Ukyo wondered why Nabiki was blushing. She decided not to mention it.
   "What are the odds on..."
   "What?" said Nabiki, in a distracted tone. "Odds? No more bets, the 
game's in progress."
   "I meant what are the odds on Gosunkugi?"
   "Umm...10,000 to 1?"
   Ukyo thought for a moment. "Ah, what the hell. 500 yen on Gosunkugi."
   Nabiki shrugged. "Done," she said, taking the money.
   Ukyo chuckled to herself.
   "This is gonna be cool."
   For her, this could not have been a better day.

   "Okay, Mousse," said Shampoo. "We race for ball. You get ball and toss 
to me, you get date. Okay?"
   A date? With Shampoo? "You're on!"
   Kodachi, for her part, used a time-tested psychological ploy on her 
brother.
   "All right then. Last to the ball's a rotten egg!"

   The four rushed towards Gosunkugi and Tsubasa...

   Next instalment:
   Us Against the World! Gosunkugi's Game of Love!
   (to follow when someone writes it...your turn!)