In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying that British land,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...

We'll send him lots of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some helpful friends.

Commentator Roll Call:  (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu!  (The egotistical God of 
Fanfiction, just ask him :))
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami!  (The helpful commentator)
John Wayne as Jadeite (The useless commentator)

If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life, 
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"

[We see Ami and Bailesu in the Theatre foyer. ] 

Ami: Please tell me Dr. Price didn't hire another Youma general as our 
co-commentator.

Bailesu: Dr. Price didn't hire another Youma general as our co-commentator.

Ami:  That's good.

Bailesu:  He hired a youma.

Ami:  WHAT?

Bailesu:  Well, the temp agency was out of Zombies or something...

[Jadeite walks in, wearing a blue jeans, a button white shirt and a 
cowboy hat and boots.]

Jadeite:  Yeehah!

Ami:  That is a Youma general!

Jadeite:  Having been unemployed since my death in episode 23, I jumped 
at the chance to get screen time.  [pauses]  This is a western, right?

[Ami and Bailesu facefault.]

[On the theatre foyer monitor:]

Dr. Price:  Well, boys and girl, today we've got a real treat for you!

Jadeite:  Do all the sailors die like the last one?

Dr. Price:  No.

Jadeite:  Does it have indians?

Dr. Price:  No.

Jadeite:  How about chewing tobacco?

Dr. Price:  It's a happy story about a magical girl.

Jadeite:  Great.  More mindless slaughter of my oppressed Youma kindred.  
By some annoying little cheerful girl.

Ami:  Sounds great!

[The clarion goes off and they all rush into the theatre.]

Tokyo, Japan: Nerima district.  Sometime in the past...

Jadeite:  Well, that's nice and vague...could be any time from yesterday 
to the Big bang.

Ami:  Shhh.  I'm sure we'll find out.

But instead, Kasumi was crying.  Concerned, Mrs. Tendo picked her
daughter up.  "What's the matter, Kasumi-chan?"

Ami:  Don't start sentences or paragraphs with but.  

"Because I said I wanted to be a magical girl!  A warrior for
justice!  Like the girls in Mahou Senshi Stardust... and everyone
just laughed at me!"

Jadeite:  That's cause magical girls suck!  I hate them!  Kill them!  
Kill them all!  HAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!

Ami:  Poor little girl.  

Bailesu:  Makes you wonder why she never learned martial arts...

Ami:  Good question.

           Episode 1: Shock!  Can Kasumi Save The World?

Jadeite:  Hah.  I bet she couldn't even manage to handle a wagon train.  
Now back in the day when I was making those westerns, ahh, those were 
the days...

Ami:  [thinking]  No flashback.  Please, no flashback.

The day's news offered a note of interest to her - the BFC, an

Ami:  What does BFC stand for?  You never tell us...

"Don't tell your father this, but I have envisioned you becoming a
talented cook as well as a martial artist."

Ami:  Why would she not want Akane to tell her father that?

"Finally, to Kasumi, my eldest daughter:  I leave you this heirloom
brooch and a reminder... Remember, you can always be anything you
want to be if you put your mind to it.  I have always had complete
faith in all of you.  Please remember that I love you, and I'm sorry
I couldn't be here to give you these gifts in person."

Jadeite:  At least she didn't find it in a crackerjack box, like in 
Lovely Candy Warrior Miyuki.  

Bailesu:  I just hope she doesn't get run over like Minky Momo did...

Jadeite:  This scene really evokes the Orson Wells Voiceover from 
Defender on that Man-o-war album for me.  

Ami:  I don't think that's the idea.

The junior business set rested on her desk.  Why was she feeling this
way?  She had already bought more expensive versions of everything in
the set, long ago...
Nabiki fell backward onto her bed and cried.  "Mom........."

Ami:  Nice Nabiki moment.

Jadeite:  Aww, poor little girl lost her mommy.  TRY BEING LOCKED IN A 
JEWEL FOREVER JUST BECAUSE YOUR BOSS WAS TOO STUPID TO LISTEN TO YOU!

Bailesu:  Stop whining, Jadeite.

Jadeite:  The worst part of it was being forced to listen to Michael 
Bolton forever.

Bailesu:  Ewww.

"What is it, oneechan?"  Akane studied her sister.  Whenever Nabiki
was this happy it often meant she had some sort of scheme in mind. 
Akane had no intention of getting caught up in another one of her
sister's plots.

Ami:  Whenever Nabiki was this happy, it often

\>She would have to be a bit more subtle if she wanted to get any money

out of them.  And subtlety just happened to be a skill of hers. 

Ami:  them, and subtlety

Besides, if she truly felt like being compassionate she could give

Ami: compassionate, she

"*Report!*" a lod voice snapped curtly from a nearby television

Ami:  a loud voice

There was certainly nothing about the community center that looked
out of place - but then again, didn't all sterotypical evil monster
traps tend to look perfectly harmless before they were triggered?

Jadeite:  Yeesh, give away our trade secrets, will ya?

All Nabiki could do was scream.  It was, after all, clichd dialogue.

Ami: cliched

The youma had cornered Nabiki.  Like Akane, Nabiki did have a fair
amount of martial-arts experience under her belt.  Akane was the one
with all the practical experience under her belt, though.  Nothing

Jadeite:  This metaphor is repetitive.

Bailesu:  This metaphor is repetitive.

Ami:  This met...you get the idea.  You might want to switch metaphors 
for the second sentence.

quarters. What was a youma doing here, anyway?  The whole mess sounded to
Nabiki like it was lifted from the plot of a television show...

Jadeite:  How delightfully post-modern.

Bailesu:  Where would Nabiki expect a youma to be?

Jadeite:  At the dojo, announcing it's engaged to Ranma, of course.

Bailesu:  Ahh....didn't think of that.

Now, if she had only come prepared for a youma...

Bailesu:  How would Nabiki prepare for a youma?

Jadeite:  Don't ask me.  I never had any trouble controlling my youma.  
My boss was another question, though...

attacks to throw herself 
behind a nearby corner.  "Where are you, little girl?  Come on out, I'm

Ami:  beyond a corner?...behind a corner just sounds kind of odd...

It was a pity Kasumi couldn't feel the same way.  She wondered - what
if there were more youma attacks?  Was it entirely up to her to
defend the power of good and the lives of people everywhere?  She had

Jadeite:  You'll dye horribly!  That's what!  HAHAHAAH!!! Just like Minky 
Momo!  I remember the look on her face when I ran her over!  My greatest 
triumph!  BWAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

[The theatre doors open.  A female figure stands sillhouetted in the 
doorway, a glint of red hair showing.]

Figure:  So, I've finally found you!  Now, you'll pay for wrecking my 
career with that truck!

Jadeite:  [sweat drop]  You...You're dead!

Figure:  So was the entire cast at the end of the first season of Sailor 
Moon...And guess which half got to come back...

Jadeite:  [nervously]  The good guys?

Figure:  You've got that right!  

Jadeite:  [stands and adjusts his cowboy hat]  If it's a fight you want, 
pardner, I'm happy to oblige!

Figure:  Fight?  I think not.

[The wall smashes open and a monster truck crashes through the theatre.  
Bailesu grabs Ami and dives into the bomb shelter.  Jadeite stares in 
horror at the truck....driven by Minky Momo.]

Jadeite:  But you...in the doorway...right there...AAAHHHH!!!!

[He gets squashed flat.]

Minky Momo:  [from the doorway]  Too bad you forgot there have been TWO 
Minky Momos. 

[She leaps into the Monster Truck and roars off through another wall of 
the theatre.]

Bailesu:  I swear, next time we ought to just kill the guest commentator 
ourselves and spare the wear and tear on this place...

Ami:  Yep.

"Kasumi-chan... Remember, you can be anything you want if you put
your mind to it.  You can do anything you want..."

Bailesu:  Except now she's reluctant...so why did she change her mind 
over the years about being a magical girl?

Ami:  I suppose we'll find out.

Bailesu:  An interesting story.  The only real question is what tone are 
you trying to set?  Post-modern poking fun at the genre?  The relatively 
serious tone of the sequence with the Tendo girls reacting to the gifts 
from their mother?  Having had my head eaten recently over questions of 
tone, I pass the warning on to you.




John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu   http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/index.html 
"Love is the image you place around your significant other, and how close 
it is to being true love depends on how closely he or she fits into 
the mold."--Orlando de La Cruz