<You may turn down the lights on your monitor>

In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying that British place,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...

We'll send him lost of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some helpful friends.

Commentator Roll Call:  (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu!  (The egotistical God of 
Fanfiction, just ask him :)) 
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami!  (The helpful commentator)
Zoisite (The useless commentator)

If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life, 
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"


[Iris open on the Theatre at the Computer Lab of Love.  Ami and Dread 
Space Pirate Bailesu are looking rather bored.]

Ami:  Please tell me we're not gonna have to see another Lemon Fanfic.

Bailesu:  Dr. Price promised no lemon at all in this one...

Dr. Price:  [on the intercom]  This one is a slasher flic.

Ami:  Oh great.

Dr. Price:  I've sent your old friend Zoisite to help you.

Ami:  He's dead!

Dr. Price:  So are you by the end of this.

Ami:  Oh great.

[Zoisite walks in.] 

Zoisite:  Hello, Ami-chan.

Ami:  Don't call me that!

Dr. Price:  This week, you're gonna review a little slasher flick called, 

"Teenage Wasteland"

The eight figures cautiously advanced along the huge
cave. Although deep underground, the slightly phosphorescent
mineral which covered the walls filled the large tunnel with
a phantasmagoric, blue-ish glow.

Bailesu:  Eight figures?  Which eight figures?

Ami:  Don't be impatient.  It's only the first paragraph.  Nice 
imaging here.  

   "C'mon guys! Hurry up!"

Zoisite:  Who's speaking here?

Bailesu:  What, you can't tell from the tone of her voice?

Zoisite:  I can't hear anything...

Bailesu:  You must be going deaf.

[Zoisite starts trying to clean out his ears.]

Ami:  It might help if we had some idea who was speaking...This statement 
is too generic to instantly tell us who is talking.

   "Of course I'm sure," the blue hair girl responded,
glancing at the screen of her hand-held computer.

Ami:  Actually, my hair is black with blue highlights.  And that should 
be "blue haired girl".

Luna, however, was unable to continue, as Serena suddenly
exploded.

Zoisite:  If only I had had such an easy time disposing of her...

Ami:  She's not dead.  It's just a figure of speech.

   "Girls, please ..."

   "Who do you *THINK*?!?"

   "Stop ..."

   "That's it Rei! I've had enough of you! In the name of

the moon I will ..."

   "Will you two cut it OUT!"

Zoisite:  This is making my BRAIN hurt!  I can't tell who's talking half 
the time!

Ami:  Given that we can't actually see who is talking in a written 
format, it would help to clarify who is actually speaking.  Some of it 
seems intuitively clear, but it makes it difficult to be sure.

   "I don't know Lita, but I'm getting awfully high
readings, they almost go off the ..."

Ami:  "I don't know, Lita, 

About twenty metres ahead of them a figure started to form
within the shadows.

Ami:  About twenty meters ahead of them, a 

The monster was at least two metres high, covered with a
thick black fur which nonetheless couldn't hide the huge
muscles which delineated its body. Its intensely yellow eyes
pierced the girls with their stare, the putrid stench of
rotten meat emanating from the metallic teeth in its mouth,
blood red saliva drooling down its chin, titanium claws
glittering from the oily poison which covered them.

Zoisite:  Eww, gross.

Ami:  Nice description, good use of multiple senses.  

Bailesu:  [hides]  I'll come out when it is gone...

The beast had somehow managed evade the fireball, leaping
with superhuman force straight towards her. She opened her
mouth in an attempt to scream.

Ami:  somehow managed to evade 

The brutal blow shattered most of the bones in her delicate
body, the claws easily ripping through skin and flesh,
almost cutting her in half, leaving a mere strand of sinew
holding her corpse together.

Zoisite:  [blinks]  What, she died that easy?

Bailesu:  [Hiding]  Don't ask me, I'm afraid to look.

Ami:  I don't think we've every faced anything capable of doing that, at 
least not that easily...

Zoisite:  If only I'd had this monster handy when I was trying to collect 
the Rainbow crystals!

Ami:  Frankly, I'm glad you didn't.  I assume this must be some really 
important creature if it is that powerful.  Senshi don't die easily.

 For an instant the five remaining girls stood 
paralyzed, unable to believe their eyes.

Zoisite:  Wait, five sailors, one dead, who's the extra one?

Bailesu:  Maybe she didn't really die.

Ami:  She was ripped in half.  Not to mention the author says, 
"remaining".  But since he never did say who all was there, I guess we 
have to guess.

The girls began chanting in unison, both their faces masks
of fury and determination.

Ami:  faces' masks 

magical energy which caught the creature in midair. With
inhuman speed the monster somehow managed to twist itself,

Ami:  With inhuman speed, 

which covered its ribs was scorched away, the flaming fur
still attached to its body painfully burning the skin
beneath, the nauseous stench of burning meat soon filling
the cave.

Ami:  Good imagery again.

The demon savagely snarled, a howl of pain and fury. And yet

Ami:  fury, and yet 

it somehow managed to control its trajectory, spinning in
the air and landing on its feet, directly in front of the
two sailor senshi.

Ami:  How, telekinesis?  Superior agility?  Holds a gun to the author?

In an instant, its right hand shot out towards Mina. The
girl, stunned by the creature's inhuman resilience and
speed, tried to step back, but it was too late. The enormous
hand surrounded her neck, immediately cutting the air flow
to her lungs. As she desperately tried to break the steel

Ami:  Note:  The Senshi can survive deep vaccuum without exploding or 
dying of air loss...at least not immediately.  As seen in the Sailor 
Moon Z movie.

Bailesu:  He probably hasn't seen that.  I assume from the names he is 
going by the NA Dub.

Ami:  Well, it's largely academic given what happens next.

grip, the hellspawn closed its fist, crushing 
her windpipe, snapping her neck, and ultimately beheading the girl.

Zoisite:  Go, go, monster!  Kill 'em all!

Ami:  Hmph.

to evade the beast's fangs to no avail. As soon as he made
contact with the metallic teeth the monster's mouth

Ami:  teeth, the 

A whooshing sound ripped through the air as the monster's
arm lashed towards her. The back of its fist struck her face
before she managed to finish the spell. The blow instantly
destroyed her head, splattering small pieces of skull and
brains in all directions within a fine mist of blood.

Ami:  The question again comes to mind why this monster wasn't deployed 
earlier...Given it is so powerful and effective, why wasn't it used earlier?

Zoisite:  I don't care as long as you ALL DIE LIKE I DID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sailor Mercury's face was a contorted expression of barely
controlled panic. Everything was happening so fast that by

Ami:  Sailor Mercury had a contorted expression of barely controlled 
panic on her face.

the time she managed to slap Serena out of her hysterical
frenzy her teammates had been slaughtered. Sailor Moon was

Ami:  frenzy, her

Zoisite:  Slaughtered.  I like the sound of that.

Bailesu:  Watch out or you're gonna be dead again, Zoisite.

But the monster had other plans. Unable to approach the girl

Ami:  However, the monster  

Ami:  You don't normally start a sentence or paragraph with But

Bailesu:  But what if you want to?

[Ami mallets Bailesu.]

suddenly saw Amy literally blown off her feet by the force
of the impact. Before the cat could do anything, both

Ami:  literally knocked off her feet

Ami:  You wouldn't normally say that an impact "blows" you off your 
feet.  As compared to a wind.

corpses landed heavily on her, crushing her 
underneath their combined weight.

Zoisite:  FINISH THEM!

[Mortal Kombat music begins to play.]

Slowly the beast advanced towards Serena, who lay on the
ground, curled up, whimpering in terror. A small figure
stood a few metres behind her, in the shadows. This went
unnoticed by the creature as it approached the helpless
girl.

Ami:  I assume the small figure is the fifth person who was left after 
Rei died?

Zoisite:  Death.  Such a beautiful word.

Before she manage to fire, however, the monster smashed the
tip of the baton with one powerful blow. Such was the force
of the impact that the sceptre was actually torn from her
hands, breaking three fingers of one hand, four in the
other, including her right wrist.

Zoisite:  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ami:  One more crack and you're gonna get it.

[Bailesu runs for the blast shelter, remembering the fate of the last 
reviewer.]

The creature grinned, looking around at the carnage. It knew
it had done well. Its masters would be pleased, perhaps they
would even offer to heal the painful wounds it had suffered
during the battle.

Ami:  What, this is just some joe schmuck monster?  Kills us all 
singlehandedly, which no other creature has ever managed, and its 
just some stupid goon?

Bailesu:  I take it your suspended disbelief just stopped being suspended?

Ami:  I'm getting there...

A few metres away stood a lonely little girl in a sailor
fuku, quietly glaring back at it. Her expression was calm,
almost featureless. Only her large honey eyes showed any
glimpse of emotion.

And fear it was not.

Zoisite:  Eh?  Who's this?

Bailesu:  And why has she been sitting around on her ass the whole time?

The girl somehow managed to twist her body in mid-air so as
to evade the bulk of the creature's body. Instead she passed
right besides it. In one blinding move her fist shot out,

Ami:  Instead, she

Ami:  In one blinding move, her fist

was happening both her feet smashed against the back of its

Ami: happening, both 

touching the ground she performed an impossible somersault

>from the monster's back.

Ami:  touching the ground, she

She turned around. Only the bodies of Serena and Tuxedo Mask
remained, as the monster had suddenly turned into a small
card which had quickly burned away. She carefully positioned
Serena's body on top of Tuxedo's, gently placing his arms
around her. She silently stood besides them for a minute.

Ami:  Why would Ail and Ann send a monster to a deep cave?

Zoisite:  Who cares! It killed all of you!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[There is a bright flash of light and Sailors Mars, Moon, Venus, and 
Jupiter appear around Zoisite.]

Zoisite:  I think I'm in serious trouble....

Moon:  First you, then we're gonna find the author of this fanfic and 
punish him in the name of the Moon!

[Zoisite flees into the sunset with the Sailors chasing him.]

Bailesu:  [peeks his head out]  Is it over?  Is it safe for me to come out?

______________________________________________________

Further comments on this story:

The characterization and writing is good in this story.  

The only major problem is that it remains unclear until the end of the 
story as to who all exactly has gone into the cave....And you constantly 
have to guess who is speaking.

However, the plot bothers me for several reasons.

1.  The least important reason is that it is antithetical to the spirit 
of the series to simply slaughter all of the characters.  But especially 
in fanfic, it is a matter of to each their own.

2.  The second, and larger problem is that since it seems that Gally was 
there the whole time...WHY THE HELL DID SHE JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH 
THEM DIE?  The ending makes it stone cold clear that the monster doesn't 
have a chance in hell of beating her.  The reference to eight people and 
later five makes it clear she was there.  SO why does she just stand 
there and let them be slaughtered?  She's not a moron...The rest of them 
panicking, not fighting together well, etc is totally in character, but 
it makes NO sense to me that she just waits until everyone else is a 
corpse to do anything.

 
3.  The biggest problem:  Why the hell wasn't this monster used earlier?  
If it is capable of easily slaughtering the senshi, why wasn't it 
deployed at some earlier point?  Let's face it, the Youma generals were 
supposed to be the biggest badasses in the Youma legions, and they 
weren't 1/10th as deadly as this thing.  Beryl possessed by Metallia 
couldn't even take down Sailor Moon by herself...but Joe Monster, who 
can't even count on getting medical help after his battle kills them 
all?  I can't buy it.  If this was something/one important, I might be 
able to buy it...but this is just a joe blow among youmas/cardians/etc., you 
insinuate...and thus the fact that it kicks ass doesn't make any sense in 
comparison to the power/success level of past 
youmas/cardians/daemons/evil wombats.  

Well, there's my $.02.




John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu   http://falcon.cc.ukans.edu/~ranma/index.html 
"Love is the image you place around your significant other, and how close 
it is to being true love depends on how closely he or she fits into 
the mold."--Orlando de La Cruz