Greetings!

     

Here's a corrected version of my story, with a bit more stuff added to
existing sections.  As usual, I appreciate any and all C&C from anyone on
the list.

     Well here are my two cents worth.

     Morning  broke  in  Nerima  (smash!   ^_^).   Sunlight

     <groan> Just about everything else in Nerima has been damaged by Ranma 
& Co. at one time or another, why not this.

on Ranma.  After all, how macho can a guy be wearing a pink
gi with Hello Kitty stickers on the back of the top?

    Ranko was nearly hysterical, pointing at Ranma and
gasping for air in-between gales of laughter.  Ranma growled

     While I don't know what the stickers look like, I get the idea. Seeing 
Ranko's reaction provided a great deal of amusement.

his sister clean the training hall.  He smiled suddenly,
thinking how surprised his sister would be tomorrow when he
finally let loose.

                          ****

     When I got to this point, it felt like the story slowed down. Probably 
the revisions stopped at this point.

     *Whump!*   "Ouch!" she yelled as her breath  left  her
body  again.  She had never impacted with the mat that  many
times  before  in her life.  She stopped counting  when  she
reached  37.   `Where the *hell* did Ranma pick  this  stuff

      I have a suggestion for this scene. It would be entertaining to see 
Ranko's thoughts change from admiration to fustration. Some description of 
the beginning of the training session could accomplish this.

     Akane  did the only thing she could do in her  current
emotional state.  She fainted.

     I found the fact that no one seemed to notice this quite strange. I 
hope that something can be done about it.

     Based on  all of  the  excellent suggestions from  the
readers on the Fanfic ML,  I have *slightly*  (yeah, right!)
expanded on the training footage  between Ranma  and  Ranko.
Expanding  the fight  between Kuno  and Ranma is my next big
project.   I also corrected  some small  errors in the story
that were pointed out in e-mail.

     I'm kind of suprised that I noticed the corrections. Guess hanging out 
here has does something to you. Hopefully you get a few idea's.

     This is one story that I will read quite often.  Keep up the good work!



               Fozzy Bear
               (coutureg@comm.hq.af.mil)
               (fozzy@radix.net)