At 02:35 AM 2/1/96 EST, you wrote:
Hello everyone, especially Todd Hill!
Greetings and Salutations!
I came across your story in the ML and I have to say that I liked it a lot.
The reason why I'm posting this to the ML and not just mailing it to you
is because I want to let every one else know that when I make comments,
I make comments, and if you ask for criticism, you're gonna get it, and
when I write, I write with a vengeance.
Okay, Fire away! ^_^
I'm going through the story as I comment, that's just the way I do things.
I'm practicing to be an English teacher, so be prepared.
Ahh, you're going to be a teacher. I've traveled that road myself, and
found an empty pot at the end of that rainbow. Hence a change of majors my
junior year at college.
I like the character of the vendor. He's appropriately enigmatic, except I
would lose the leisure suit. Too many '70's flashbacks for most of us
Americans.
I wanted to make the vendor's appearance as notorious and obvious as
possible. He does assume disguises whenever he's operating (except when
he's selling the broach to Ranma) to keep Ranma from finding out who he is.
Why would Nabiki be mad at him for losing the rebate money? The story says
that he got it from Nabiki, but the onion money is Kasumi's. And since he
got the onions anyways, she wouldn't be mad at him either.
She wouldn't be mad at all.
I re-wrote that section after reading this. The point I was trying to
convey is that Nabiki would've hounded him endlessly for spending a lot of
money on what she would consider junk. Kasumi would only get mad if her
life depended on it. ^_^
If he lost most of his ability, he would have also lost the agility that
allowed him to walk on the tops of fences.
I re-wrote that section to better explain that part too.
I think you should have shown more of the training between himself and Ranko,
describing his first training lesson as well as his last. It would have lent
more depth to your characterization of Ranko and the New and Improved (tm)
Ranma.
I'm going to tackle that in the near future.
I like his response to Ranko's indignation towards his sexist comment. If
Ranma were like this in the manga and anime, he wouldn't get into half the
trouble he finds himself in. Then again, if he was, then he wouldn't be
the Ranma that we all know and love. Quite frankly, I think this is how he
will be when he matures, and I'm looking forward to the change.
I thought hard on that one. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get him out of
that situation so neatly. But inspiration hit <wham!> and that line was the
result.
Why would anyone as cool as Ranko watch a stupid show like Rescue 911?<g>
I was wondering the same thing myself... ^_^
You need to use a better phrase than "belltone ring of truth". I know what it
means, but barely.
belltone was removed...
Was there something in the okonomiyaki or is this another example of the New
and Improved (tm) Ranma?
The okonomiyaki was standard issue. The talk with the vendor was supposed
to be the thing that affected Ranma.
For greater effect, you might want to switch around the order of the two
sentences, "..wedding date been set" and "...proposed to anyone..." with the
word "proposed" emphasized.
Done.
Other than what I've said above, this is a great fan fiction piece and
I'm very impressed with it. The story and narration shows depth and
maturity and a willingness to go ahead and make Ranma a more mature
character. On the "Foxtrot Scale (patent pending)" of one to 15,000
punches in the head from Ranma, it deserves the full 15,000 because this
is a great story.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. It's amazing that I've gotten such a
good response to this story. I did horribly in my high school english and
college composition courses.
Goddess Foxtrot the Furryous
reader of fan fiction,
writer of dreams,
and all that stuff.
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**also available at <xtsebastian@ccvax.fullerton.edu>**
**cause that's where I get all the stories and spam*****
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Later, | "I remember when 'RIF' used to stand
Shadow Stalker | for 'Reading is Fundamental...' "
(Protoculture Addict) | - anonymous victim of the AT&T GIS
(Moderator: The Robotech Echo) | 'Reduction in Force' (IE 'layoff')
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