At 02:20 PM 01/2/96 -0500, THEE Space Gopher wrote:
[From a rustling of the bamboo, a small furry head appears in Panda's
sanctorium. He spies the chaos involving a bleeding Panda, a confused
Tigress, and a very flat Nabiki. *piku, piku*]
"DAMNIT! PANDA! Can't we leave you alone for five minutes? I go off to
beat up those snotty punks of Orick's and come back here to find that you
got shot! What happened?!"
"OUCH! Er, well, it was like this..." and Panda proceed to explain what the
hell had happened. Which from his stand point was, "I came out to get some
new bamboo shoots and I got shot."
"Uh, huh. Saf? Did you see any of this?"
"Nope, I just got here."
"So who shot him?"
"Uh, maybe it was this girl." Panda said as he slowly rolled off of his
duff and off of Nabiki. She looked like a cookie cutter, the way she was
pressed into the ground.
Nabiki, sat up; she was looking very two dimensional. "...erk..." Tigress
helped her up and proceed to dust her off. "Did you shoot Panda?"
"Well, yeah. Remember, we were trying to figure out if Panda's scream or
not."
"So you shot him," The Gopher said.
"Yeah."
Panda rubbed his injured leg. "Couldn't you just scare me, pun at me, or
maybe just *ASK*?" It was obvious, the overgrown teddy bear was a little
miffed. Granted, given the current situation, that was to be expected.
"That hurt!"
Or make me read "BG Cross"? Then I'd holler for sure ;)
"Well, it was supposed to. If it didn't, you wouldn't scream," Nabiki
countered. Panda pondered it over for a few moments, "you've got a point
there."
Gopher and Saf looked at each other with annoyance in their faces. It was
amazing the lack of logic that flowed through the fluff of Panda's brain.
Somehow, Gopher was willing to bet that if Nabiki had asked him to stand up,
smile, and get shot, he would.
"Well, did you get the results you wanted?" Panda queried Nabiki?
"Yeah, but I don't remember how it sounded; something about a 450lbs trauma
occuring to me. Could we do it again?" Little stars glittered in the back
of her eyes. "I mean, of course without sneaking up on you, this time."
Then she added in a sweet voice, "I would *really* appreciate it." She
reached over and picked up the rifle.
"Well, if it would help...." Panda started to hobble over to a clearspot in
the bamboo.
"WOAH!!! HOLD IT!!! AND STOP!!!" Gopher and Saf cried. Everybody else
stopped and looked at them. Gopher continued on, "You are *NOT* going to
shoot Panda, again."
"Exactly," Saf added. "There are other ways to make pandas scream." She
walked behind Panda. He followed her as far as his head would turn. "See,
very few people know that pandas have panic buttons on their backs."
"We do?"
"See, not even the pandas themselves, know. All you have to do is push it,
like this." There was a small 'click', and then Panda screamed.
"YEYAAAAHHRRGHGHGHRH!!!!!"
[Panda's Note: I KILLED myself laughing here. Sorry to all you folks reading
my fanfic. It won't be finished now due to the Gopher's spamfic here<g>]
Nabiki covered her ears. "That sounded terrible. I think the previous
scream sounded better."
Gopher thought about it and agreed, then he said, "well, let's try this..."
Reaching into hammerspace, The Gopher grabbed on to a big mallet, and
proceeded to whack Panda on the toes.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! OUCH!OUCH!OUCH! **FIDDLESTICKS**"
[NOTE: 'Fiddlesticks' is a trademark of VIZ translations dept.]
Actually, the original "Holy Mother of God!!" outburst would fit here. He sounds
a lot like Chris Farley from SNL ;)
"Hmm, that was amusing," Nabiki said. "But what else can he sound like?"
"Uh, I dunno. Let's find out...." Saf answered.
Panda looked at the bunch of folks standing around him and decided that this
was going to be a very annoying day.
A squeaking sound from behind the assembled group drew their attention to
the metal doorway that led in to Panda's compound. Standing in the
doorway was a Panda with a bottle of saki and a deck of cards, with a
thin, chinese zookeeper standing next to him, who wore very thick glasses. The
cigar in Panda's mouth fell to the ground.
Panda: "What the hell are you doing with my stuffed robot panda bear servant?
HEY! He's got a hole in his leg! [Panda spots Nabiki with the rifle] And YOU!
What is this some kind of riffelry . . . riflrely . . . rufflery . . . SAF! How the hell
do you say that?"
Saf: "Riflery"
Panda: "Right! Thanks![Turns back to Nabiki] What is this, some kind of
riflery competition? Gopher! What are you doing here? Are you actually
condoning this kind of behaviour?"[The Gopher's jaw drops as he contemplates
this panda's fluid use of the words "condoning" and "behaviour"]
The Gopher, Blue Tigress and Nabiki all stare at the ground, realizing that
they have been taunting a stuffed robot duplicate of Panda, who isn't as
"fluff-brained" as he first appeared. The robot panda wanders off into the bamboo grove and begins picking tender shoots, his left leg making funny
metallic, rattling sounds as he moves. The group looks up expectedly as Panda
continues.
Panda: "Okay, I can see that no real harm's been done. Just *ask* me first
if panda's scream before ya go shooting up the neighbourhood, okay? There
aren't that many of us left, ya know! Alright . . . [Panda reaches down and grabs his cigar. After tapping it a few times, he replaces it casually in the corner
of his mouth and chomps on it a bit. He then looks at the cards and the full
bottle of saki in Chang's hands and smiles a sly grin] "Anybody for a game of-
poker?"
Panda
********************************
BG Cross
The Dark Traveller
askuse@execulink.com
Co-Maintainer of the Fanfic ML FAQ
********************************