Hello everyone, especially Todd Hill!

I came across your story in the ML and I have to say that I liked it a lot.  The

reason why I'm posting this to the ML and not just mailing it to you is because 
I want to let every one else know that when I make comments, I make comments,
and if you ask for criticism, you're gonna get it, and when I write, I write
with a 
vengeance.

I'm going through the story as I comment, that's just the way I do things.  I'm
prac-
ticing to be an English teacher, so be prepared.

I like the character of the vendor.  He's appropriately enigmatic, except I
would
lose the leisure suit.  Too many '70's flashbacks for most of us Americans.

Why would Nabiki be mad at him for losing the rebate money?  The story says that
he got it from Nabiki, but the onion money is Kasumi's.   And since he got the
onions anyways, she wouldn't be mad at him either.  She wouldn't be mad at all.

If he lost most of his ability, he would have also lost the agility that allowed
him to walk on the tops of fences.

I think you should have shown more of the training between himself and Ranko,
describing his first training lesson as well as his last.  It would have lent
more
depth to your characterization of Ranko and the New and Improved (tm) Ranma.

I like his response to Ranko's indignation towards his sexist comment.  If Ranma
were like this in the manga and anime, he wouldn't get into half the trouble he
finds himself in.  Then again, if he was, then he wouldn't be the Ranma that we
all know and love.  Quite frankly, I think this is how he will be when he
matures,
and I'm looking forward to the change.

Why would anyone as cool as Ranko watch a stupid show like Rescue 911?<g>

"Woah" is really spelled "whoa".

You need to use a better phrase than "belltone ring of truth".  I know what it
means,
but barely.

You could at least describe the "aura thing".  It's not in good form to assume
that the reader knows what you're talking about.

Was there something in the okonomiyaki or is this another example of the New
and Improved (tm) Ranma?

"Kempo", not "kenpo".

For greater effect, you might want to switch around the order of the two
sentences, 
"..wedding date been set" and "...proposed to anyone..." with the 
word "proposed" emphasized.

Other than what I've said above, this is a great fan fiction piece and I'm very
impressed with it.  The story and narration shows depth and maturity and a
willing-
ness to go ahead and make Ranma a more mature character.  On the "Foxtrot
Scale (patent pending)" of one to 15,000 punches in the head from Ranma, it
deserves the full 15,000 because this is a great story.

Goddess Foxtrot the Furryous
reader of fan fiction,
writer of dreams,
and all that stuff.
************************************************************
**also available at <xtsebastian@ccvax.fullerton.edu>**
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