(^_^)\ Konbanwa, minna!  I've been staring at this for the last few days, 
and have run out of ideas on what's wrong with it.

But, I _can_ claim that this writing is even worse than what Hitomi-san 
says her writing is at. ^_^;;

Well, have at it, my comments are in square-brackets...

----------

   <knock knock knock>  "Kandace, open up, this is your mother." <knock 
knock knock>
   "Mmm phrrrr?"  The example of human sleepiness shifted.
   <knock knock> "Kandace, I know you're in there, I can still see your 
morning newspaper through the mail slot." <knock knock knock>
   "Mmmmmr?"  The covered form shooks its head from under the tangle of 
sheets it called its bed.
   <bang bang bang> "Kandace, open your door for your mother, the 
neighbors are looking!" <bang bang bang>
   "Gmmb!", yelled the muffled head from the foot of it's "bed".
   <bang bang bang bang> "Kandace!  Open up or I'm getting your father's 
door ram! <bang bang bang bang>
   The jelly-rolled form stopped moving for a moment, then started 
stripping its bedsheet cocoon as fast as a bedsheet-cocooned human could.
   *Not again!*  "Mom, I'm coming, don't get the ram!", she yelled.  
*Dammit, the last time she did that, it cost me half a paycheck to fix 
the door.*
   Running out of the bedroom, tripping on her unmentionables, and 
almost sliding into the side of the fish tank, Kandace finally made it 
into the short hallway of her apartment.  Almost losing her balance 
walking on the tangle of shoes in the entranceway, she finally made it 
to the door, which frighteningly, had stopped being banged on.
   *Oh no, she's getting the ram!* Kandace opened the three deadbolts 
and the police certified barrier lock, two at a time, and quickly pulled 
the door open.  "Mom, don... waaagh!"
   Surprised by the door flying open, Mrs. Otonashi stared at her 
daughter, as were the tenants of the four neighboring apartments she 
woke up with her "knocking".  She then smiled warmly, then dropped the 
set of keys she was fishing out of her hip pack.  "Good morning dear, so 
nice of you to open the door for your mother."
   Across the hall, a neighbor's eyes bugged out wildly.  He slapped his 
hand over his face, then slammed the door, running inside screaming for 
tissues.
   "Kandace dear, let your mother in and close the door, before the 
neighbors start talking."  Mrs. Otonashi strode in past her puzzled 
daughter, and took off her running shoes.
   *Neighbors start talking?  Huh?*  Kandace closed the door after 
mother, "Talking about what, mom?"
   Mrs. Otonashi sighed.  "Maybe we shouldn't have let you move out by 
yourself so young, at least that way, we could have taught you some 
manners."  She looked at Kandace, "Honey, you should at least put 
something on when you answer the door."  A smile tugging at her mouth.
  *Wear someth...*  As realization hit, Kandace looked down.  "Aaagh!  
Mom, why didn't you say something before?" she complained, trying 
to cover up her upper body.
   "No manners at all.", she said to noone in particular.  "Candi, that 
would have been rude.  And anyway, I didn't see anything not to be proud 
of.", answered Mrs. Otonashi as she walked into the kitchen.
   Kandace looked at her mother's retreating back, blushing, as she was 
going back to her own bedroom.  "Mom!"
   "Now, if you'd use what you have, you could find someone responsible, 
like Mrs. Tanaka's boy.  You know, the Tanakas on the second floor."
   Kandace face-faulted.  *_That's_ why she's here today*  "Mom, will 
you please stop trying to fix me up with every "responsible young man" 
that you meet!  How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not 
interested right now!", she yelled through the walls, digging around her 
room looking for the blue robe she got from the hotel in America she 
went to on her last vacation.
   "I'm just worried about your future dear.", she paused at the doorway 
to the bedroom and frowned.  "Oh, you won't even be able to get a 
sanitation engineer's attention if you can't even keep your room in 
order."  She looked for a place to set down the tray, two cups of coffee 
and a Pop-Tart.  She was ready to give up, but then spotted a corner of 
the bed, and walked over to put the tray down.
   "Ha!  That's a good one, who'd want their home to smell like an 
incinerator complex?"  Kandace gave up the search for the robe when she 
realized it was still in the living room.  So instead, she gathered some 
clean(er) clothes to get dressed.
   "But they earn Y1000,0000 a year, that's enough to live comfortably 
in an apartment building.  So what if he has to take two showers before 
coming home, at least it'd be a comfortable home.  A small price to pay, 
if you ask me."  She took a sip of her coffee.
   "Fuf amm fot af'in foo." mumbled Kandace, as she was trying to choke 
down a piece of Pop-Tart.
   "Don't talk with your mouth full dear, it'll attract pests.  And why 
aren't you asking?  I'm your mother, it's my job to help you look out 
for available young men."
   Kandace rolled her eyes.  "Woi fee?  Fook omg," she swallowed the 
bite, and took two gulps of coffee, "I don't want to get married yet.  
I'm only 29, I have plenty of time to find someone later, like after I 
make captain."
   Mrs. Otonashi sighed.  "I know, I know.  But it wouldn't hurt if you 
kept in practice for when you _are_ looking.  Or maybe meet a few just 
for references, you know, get your name circulating around the locker 
rooms."
   "Mom," <chomp>, "ifs wy wife, han'f foo fef fee fiv if?" <chew gulp>
   "I know it's your life, dear, but I really hope I won't be the one 
saying `I told you so' when the time comes and passes."
   <gulp of coffee> "Why does it feel like we have this conversation 
every two weeks?" <chomp>
   "Because you go out to drink with your co-workers every other 
Wednesday night, and I have to come up to wake you every other Thursday 
morning."
   "Oh yeah," <finishes off the coffee>, "wait a minute, what time is it?"
   Mrs. Otonashi put her coffee back on the tray, picks it up, and then 
holds it out.  "Candi, it's the same time it was when you asked me two 
weeks ago, 8:50AM."
   "8:50!!  Why didn't you tell me!!!"
   With the fluid movement of a hurricane, Kandace Otonashi, Inspector 
for the Megatokyo Police Department, grabbed her jacket, picked up her 
left sock with her toes, dropped off her coffee cup on the tray her 
mother held out, and ran towards her apartment entryway.  Once there, 
she put her shoes on, then her left sock, thought for a while, and then 
reversed the situation on her left foot.
   Mrs. Otonashi walked out of her daughter's room, smiling, and shaking 
her head.  "Every other week", she mutters.
   "Later mom, don't forget to lock up on your way out!  Dammit, 8:50 
already?  I'm gonna be ...."


[
 The mumbling is supposed to make sense.  I know, I stuffed my face with 
  crackers to find out what it's supposed to sound like.

 I made the numbering the way it was, since that's how (I think) Japan 
  counts large numbers.

 The pacing is wrong for what I want to do.  I'm looking for more of a 
  slow morning, before Kandace notices the time, then all hell (is 
  supposed to) breaks loose.  Help!!
]

==========

   ".... late again.  If you're going to go out drinking, try to control 
yourself or get a more effective alarm.  Dismissed."
   Dejected, slightly droopy, and hintingly disheveled, Officer Carlson 
walked (well, alright, mostly walked and stumbled a bit) out of Seargent 
Marx's office to the smiling glances of his coworkers as they got to the 
task of beating the paperwork down to a less embarassing height.

   *OK, no one noticed me come in yet, so I'm safe for now.*

   "So, Mark, still unable to call enough defenses to ward off the 
alcohol brigade?", quipped Inspector Igarashi from across the wardroom.
   "Eat me.", snapped Carlson, quickly feeling pinpricks the size of Mt. 
Fuji poking through the pudding of what he used to consider his brain.  
"Aa- ittete..."
   That brought another grin to everyone in the office.

   *Just a little further to my desk, and I can say that I was in 
records for the last hour.*

   Igarashi, spotting a coattail slowly crawl behind his inbox, smiled 
widely.  "Oooh, nice comeback, but isn't that Candi's line?"
   "I told you before!", screamed Kandace, jumping up to Igarashi's 
desk, grabbing hold of his tie.  "Never. Ever. Call. Me. Ca ...", freezing 
in mid-scream when she realized what she was supposed to be doing before 
she heard her hated nickname.
   Upon detecting the enraged screaming of his missing inspector, 
Seargent Marx smiled, took a slow, relaxing, deep breath and bellowed, 
"Otonashiii!!  Get in heerrreeeee!!!"
   When the building stopped shaking, Kandace let go if the the mangled 
tie, got off Igarashi's desk, brushed off her skirt, and hissed, "You 
_will_ suffer.  Slowly, painfully, in a bright place, and wearing a 
dress."  Turning away, she then composed herself to meet her fate.
   "How about something in blue?  I've heard that it brings out the blue 
in my eyes.  Oh, and do you have something in a size 10?  I've gained 
weight.", said Igarashi, trying not to break out into laughter.
   Kandace seized up, not expecting such a mocking response to her 
threat.  She spun around suddenly, wearing a false smile, "Say, this 
looks like that file I was looking for on that civil disturbance case 
from Tuesday.", then proceeded to slowly pull out the bottom-most 
manilla folder from the 50cm tall stack of cases from his inbox.
   Igarashi's eyes went wide at the realization, jumping out of his seat 
to try to keep the distance between the top of his "cases-in-progress" 
and his desktop from growing.  Alas, all in vain, as an "Eeep" escaped 
his lips, the mound of paper fell on his approaching head, burying the 
playful inspector under his responsibilities.
   "Oh, oops, my fault,", said Kandace, wearing an playful grin, "I was 
looking for file 04121-62038-0425-0055, not 04121-62038-0425-0056.  Five 
and six look sooo much alike when they're upside-down.  Oh well, thanks 
anyway."  She dropped the mistaken file on where she thought his head 
was, and proceeded to Marx's office.
   "Don't you people have any sympathy for a hurting rookie?", 
complained Carlson, "Keep it down!"
   "Otonashiiii!!  I'm waiiitiiiinggg!!!", called Marx, leaning outside 
his doorway, right next to Carlson's desk.
   "Uuaaah!", screamed Carlson, as he bolted upright, fainted, and fell 
into the aisle as the furniture settled.
   "Coming, Sir!"  Kandace stepped over the twitching Carlson, and made 
her way to the Seargent's office.

[
 ....still more to go, but I have homework, so...

 *sigh* too much slapstick in this one, and I wanted to go for less 
  dialogue, and more people-describing.  Too bad I made up the names as I 
  went along, definitely needs more work...and I still have to finish 
  character designs...
]

----------
 Yung "William/The Forgotten One/Who?" Wong
(^_^) <gon@tsar.poly.edu> -=-<>--<>-=- <ywong01@barney.poly.edu> (;_;)
<a href="http://www.poly.edu/~gon/">William Wong's Hokey Homepage</a>
}-==================================================================-{
 Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their 
  brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to 
  their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered 
  species.                                      --Thomas K. Connellan