On Sun, 14 Jan 1996, Joshua Rowan wrote:
FREEDOM
I don't often critique fanfics (ok, ok, this is the first time), but this
one caught my eye. It reminds me of the DP fanfic _Experiment 101-E_
by Larry Mann (I think), which I consider to be one of the best stories
on the net.
I'd like to stress that this is just the introduction - the rest of the
story will be a while in getting done - I've got too many things to write
as it is...
I just noticed something. It's real nitpicky, but this is generally well
written and it would be nice if a little thing didn't screw it up any.
Whenever a punctuation mark comes at the end of a quote, it is included in
the quote. (...rang out, "It has to be Manta," Anri guessed.) I think the
only exceptions are when a word is in quotes for effect, not because
a person is being quoted.
Hmmm - well I didn't realise that... I'll try and remember it in the
future....
<chuckle> Not only a boomer with feelings, he also sports Victorian
morals. A question: In BGC, wasn't it stated that the 33-Ses were used
for "recreational" purposes by Genom execs on Genaros? Are you leaving
mention of that out on purpose?
There *is* a reaons for those morals - you do find out why he has them..
As to the other thing "recreational" purposes?? I must have missed that
reference (Oh.... look at that - now I have to go and watch BGC all over
again.... :)
Hmmm... I wonder what Manta's and Sylvie's relationship was before that
memory wipe...
You can keep wondering.... and if your interested: Manta is 'younger'
than Sylive.....
you're. This is really starting to annoy me. I was about to go off
on you before I noticed you used it right early. Some people on this
list consistently use "your" in the place of "you're". Everybody listen
up! Your = possessive of "you". Your red stick. (The red stick owned by
you). Your kawaikune fiancee. (The kawaikunee person to whom you are
engaged). You're = you are. You're a red stick. (You are a red stick)
You're a kawaikune fiancee. (You are a kawaikune fiancee).
ok - I know I tend to do that - sorry just something that happens when
you're writing a FanFic (you tend to miss some of the little things -
you should have seen it before I sat down and tried to fix up all the
problems :)
Well, my "critique" was mostly minor grammar corrections and stupid
comments, but if I didn't like the story I wouldn't have bothered, so
this is actually encouragement.
Oh.. thats good to hear....
One last thing: You said this was just an intro, but it seems to cover a
complete story of the events leading up to the beginning of BGC 5. Is this
going to be fleshed out, or is most of the story going to be the action
sequences following this part? (that would not be a Good Thing, IMSO. We
already know the final outcome of that)
OK.... well the introduction will stay close to the way it is (oh...
alright, I *might* change a few things here and there.. maybe put in a
couple of paragraphs) - the rest of the story will focus on events after Sylive
and Anri's departure and the what was going on leading up to their
deaths...
-----Brett
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Address: darkwnd@sv.net.au WWW page: http://www.sv.net.au/~darkwnd
Kane: "Master, the other children tease me..."
Old Master: "Have you learnt nothing from my teachings, Grasshopper?"
Kane: "What do you mean master?"
Old Master: "Well can you not beat the Sh#T out of them???"
-----Fast Forward (1990)
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