FREEDOM

                               A BGC FANFIC

                                    by

                                Brett Handy

I don't often critique fanfics (ok, ok, this is the first time), but this
one caught my eye.  It reminds me of the DP fanfic _Experiment 101-E_
by Larry Mann (I think), which I consider to be one of the best stories
on the net.

     Manta gestured again for her to sit, "It's a long story",
he said, "To summarise, about ten years ago you were
deactivated and put into storage, and unfortunately at that
time, all your memory files were purged".

Gee, it would be neat if we could essential build a person by 2023. (this
is a BGC crack, nothing wrong with your story)

     Manta nodded, "You're a 33-S model", he said, "Which
means that part of you is living; besides whoever said that
life is judged on weather or not someone can bleed is a fool".

                    ^^^^^^^
whether (weather = rain etc.)

     Nam nodded again, "It's a pity whoever it was decided to
give us feelings as well", she said.

I guess that's one way to look at it.  I like the irony.  Genom doesn't
want them to be too human, and some of _them_ don't even want them to be
too human.

     The four friends looked up as the chime to their quarters
rang out, "It has to be Manta", Anri guessed.

                               ^^
I just noticed something.  It's real nitpicky, but this is generally well
written and it would be nice if a little thing didn't screw it up any.
Whenever a punctuation mark comes at the end of a quote, it is included in
the quote.  (...rang out, "It has to be Manta," Anri guessed.)  I think the
only exceptions are when a word is in quotes for effect, not because
a person is being quoted.

     Manta smiled, "I'm afraid that if I remain much longer,
your reputations might become a little tarnished", he replied,
walking from the room.

<chuckle>  Not only a boomer with feelings, he also sports Victorian
morals.  A question:  In BGC, wasn't it stated that the 33-Ses were used
for "recreational" purposes by Genom execs on Genaros?  Are you leaving
mention of that out on purpose?

"This is the neural link and monitor that I've been
designing", Manta said proudly, "The original design was made
by the famous Dr Stingray nearly twenty years ago, he was
attempting to imprint memories and personalities into a
computer, with some success".

Again with the impossibly fast technology development.  A non-invasive
neural interface at 2013ish.  I wish.  (more BGC continuity stuff.  not
your problem.)

     Manta shook his head and smiled, "Oh... never mind, you
just reminded me of someone, that's all", he explained.

Hmmm... I wonder what Manta's and Sylvie's relationship was before that
memory wipe...

     Manta grimaced, "Well Genom insists that if the
technology were to fall into the wrong hands it *could* be
perverted into a horrible weapon",

That's a good one.  Falling from Genom into the _wrong_ hands.  Manta is
a bit of a trusting sort, ain't he?

     "That the 33-S had a fatal design floor that rendered it
a possible harm to humans", Manta recited in a flat tone.

Another laugh riot.  A bunch of beings that are almost as complex as
humans (and therefore almost as easy to destroy) are a possible harm to
humans while simple robotic killing machines overrun Tokyo.

     Sylvie frowned, "So it's all been a lie then?", she said
quietly, "We *really* do have feelings that aren't just
'programmed responses'?".

What's the difference?

helping five 'rouge' Boomers to escape, destroying years of

                ^^^^^
Five red make-up boomers?  rouge = red make-up;  rogue = rebel

At her nod he grinned. "Well, your looking at him".

                                ^^^^
you're.  This is really starting to annoy me.  I was about to go off
on you before I noticed you used it right early.  Some people on this
list consistently use "your" in the place of "you're".  Everybody listen
up!  Your = possessive of "you".  Your red stick.  (The red stick owned by
you).  Your kawaikune fiancee.  (The kawaikunee person to whom you are
engaged).  You're = you are.  You're a red stick.  (You are a red stick)
You're a kawaikune fiancee.  (You are a kawaikune fiancee).


Well, my "critique" was mostly minor grammar corrections and stupid
comments, but if I didn't like the story I wouldn't have bothered, so
this is actually encouragement.

One last thing:  You said this was just an intro, but it seems to cover a
complete story of the events leading up to the beginning of BGC 5.  Is this
going to be fleshed out, or is most of the story going to be the action
sequences following this part?  (that would not be a Good Thing, IMSO.  We
already know the final outcome of that)


Joshua Rowan
gt4304b@prism.gatech.edu