**********************************************************************
********
[Scene: Any bathroom on the USS Enterprise]

[Zoicite's head pops out of the toilet bowl. He has clown make-up on 
and is wearing a
multi-colored wig]

 Zoicite: Damn Skuld..... "Any body of water".... sheesh. [looks at 
mission outline] Lesse....
"Disguise ship, check. Get me over, check. Get the crystals [flinch]. 
Get out. [looks up] Uhhhh....
ship? Beam me to the storage area!

[Zoicite transports over there. We see her standing next to a pile of 
the crystal]

 Zoicite: Ah, here it is! [grabs some and stuffs it in a sack.]   

 Zoicite: Now to get the hell out of here. [taps a communicator that 
is in his rubber nose] Neflite, I
am prepared to beam over. [Zoicite waits a few seconds and tries 
again] Neflite. I am ready to
beam over [still no response] Neflite... do you read?

 Neflite [voice coming from communicator]: Who is it?

 Zoicite: It's me, Zoicite! Beam me over, I got the stuff [waits 10 
seconds] Yo, man beam me
over!

 Neflite: Who is it?

 Zoicite: [thinking] Man, he sounds stoned... [aloud] It's me, 
Zoicite! I think security is gonna
notice me in a few minutes, beam me over!

 Neflite: Who?

 Zoicite: Zoicite!

 Neflite: Zoicite's not here.

 Zoicite: Ah man, I'M ZOICITE!!!!!!!!

 Neflite: Who?

 Zoicite: ZOICITE!!!!

 Neflite: Zoicite's not here!

 Zoicite: I'm right HERE! I'm Zoicite

 Neflite: Who is it?

 Zoicite: It.... is ZOICITE.

 Neflite: Zoicite's not here

 Zoicite: I'M ZOICITE!!!!!!  Z.O.I.C.I.T.E.!!!!!!! FIRE UP THE 
GODDAMN
TRANSPORTER!!!!!!!!!

 Neflite: Zoicite?

 Zoicite: Yes! Now will you beam me over?

 Neflite: Zoicite's not here.

 Zoicite: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! [Slumps to the ground. 
Suddenly, Lita appears...
with a well armed security force of about 5.]

 Lita: Hahaha... ass kicking!

 Zoicite: Gulp........
**********************************************************************
********
[Scene: Rei's temple, the front steps... all of the "Spiner Scouts" 
found so far are there.]

 Rene: If this series goes true to form, then we will be finding 
"Sailor Venus" fairly soon.. Or more
likely, Luna.

 Worf: I cannot see how a cat can be more of an asset than another 
humanoid with special abilities.

 Rene: The cat is excellent council.... and her head is fun to bounce.
 [Everyone looks at Rene
funny till she shows her the Luna Ball]

 Picard: What does that thing do?

 Rene: Well.... it is a weapon, a communication device, and with it 
everyone can dunk like Mike.

 Picard: It must be a highly advanced piece of equipment, from a very 
advanced civilization.

 Rene: Not really. Sony is coming out with one next month, except 
that it plays CDS too. They call
it the Swiss Army Ball.

 Deanna: Just to get us back on subject, why is it so important that 
we find... Luna?

 Rene: Because if what you tell me is true, then Wesley Crusher has a 
serious advantage over us:
he knows almost everything about the inner senchi. Were we live, what 
we do...  He can exploit
that at any time.

 Geordie [now very interested]: How come?

 Rene: He just got web access. The combination of all of the SM web 
pages will tell him all he
needs to know, even to the very details of how I was conceived!

[Flashback, Scene: a bedroom in the moon kingdom. Two figures are 
under the covers]

 Serina: Mmmmmmmm.... Darian!
[SNAP]
 Darian: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

 Luna [from behind a chair]: Damn, I thought I got rid of all of 
those....

[Jump to present. All of the Spiner Scouts are staring wide eyed at 
Rene]

 Rene: Hmmmmm... I wonder why I was an only child?

 Geordie: Hey! That info CAN'T be at any web page!

 Deanna: But it makes for one heck of a flashback.

 Voice from out of nowhere: SO WILL YOU GETTING SMASHED!!!!!

 Deanna: I don't dri-.... uh oh [looks around and sees the assistant 
youma from a few scenes ago
charging a card]

 Deanna: Commercial, PLEASE have a commercial...

[Fade out]
**********************************************************************
********
[Fade in]
[Scene: Rene is playing the Sailor Moon S video game, and Serina is 
right beside her, facing the
audience]

 Serina: It has come to our attention that many of you think that 
video games are harmful to
today's youth. I offer a rebuttal. [goes over to Rene, who is 
obviously concentrating hard on the
game] As you can see, this game INCREASES the ability to concentrate. 
Here, look at her eyes
[points them out, and they are set in a look of grim determination to 
kick someone's ass] can you
imagine what an asset such concentration will be in her schoolwork? 
And in the game, she is
learning "real world negotiating skills" [cut to the game, where 
Chibi-Usa is pounding the crap out
of Sailor Moon]. Betcha they don't teach that in school! And look at 
this [points out the grip Rene
has on the controller] can you imagine what a grip like that could be 
used for? Don't think too
hard, or I'll call the cops on you [smiles]!  So in conclusion- OOPS! 


 [Serina has just tripped over the power cord, yanking if from the 
wall. Rene turns her head a fill
180 degrees]

Rene: What.... did..... you..... just.... DO!?

 Serina: Ah ahahahaha..... oops....

[We fade out on a scene of life imitating art, as Serina is getting 
her ass kicked by her daughter.]
**********************************************************************
********
[Fade in]
[Scene: A storage area on the Enterprise. Zoicite is not having a 
good day. Lita, on the other hand,
is. The ensigns that accompany her look worried]

 Ensign #1: Er... Commander Worf? Ah... that is a Borg over there. 
Y'know... the kind with arm
lasers?

 Zoicite: Oh, so THAT is what that button is for [presses button on 
his arm, and a laser shoots out
killing one of the ensigns. He fires four more times, and all of the 
other ensigns are taken out]

 Lita: Dammit, do you have ANY idea how many forms I have to fill out 
because of that?

 Zoicite: Too damn bad! Think you can take me on your own?

 Lita: Of course I can! JUPITER POWE-.... eh? I'm not starting to 
change. No stock footage is
playing.... [She stops pondering to looks up to find that she is 
alone] Aw nuts!

[Scene: Counselor Troi's bathroom]

 Zoicite: Damn, I'm GOOD! That was too easy! Just call me double oh 
seven! Brilliant how I spit
on the ground and jumped in.... the toilet wasn't to good, however... 
Gotta be a better way to
transport [Runs some water in the sink and jumps through.... her bag, 
on the other hand, doesn't
go down the drain. She winds up in sickbay. Luna is puzzling over a 
piece of medical equipment]

 Luna: Lesse... laser operating knife... how do you switch this thing 
on? Oh, maybe this is it [hits a
button] 

[FZAP]

 Innocent bystander patient: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 Luna: Heh heh heh.... um, sorry! [just then she notices that Zoicite 
is leaping out of her coffee]

 Zoicite [humming]: Oh, Jadeite will be so pleased! [starts to 
whistle... then she figures out that she
isn't on the ship.] Uh-oh....

 Luna: Stop! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!! [Whips out the Moon BFG]

Zoicite: Ummm.. Wrong turn at the GRO. Ja ne! [Jumps back into the 
coffee]

 Patient [not the fried one]: The Borg shouldn't be whistling.....

 Luna: The... oh, yeah... maybe.... maybe they've changed. 
[Thoughtful as she remembers how
Neflite had found love, and how Malekite went berserk anytime anyone 
hurt Zoicite]. Maybe they
have...

 Patient [we see it's a little girl on a bed, hugging a teddy bear]: 
But perhaps the Borg with
emotions would be too much..... like an amoeba with the powers of a 
human. The Borg-

 Luna: If you are gonna make an Akira reference, you might as well 
stop now. I don't find any of
them funny.

 Patient: Damn.
**********************************************************************
********
[Scene: The Borg Ship. Zoicite is back and he's pissed! He is 
currently looking for Neflite to have
a little... "talk". He finds him, next to a CD player with "Cheech 
and Chong" on. He sees Zoicite
and looks up.]

 Neflite: Hey, man! You should listen to this CD Jadeite found! This 
other one wasn't as good, but
it said what we had to do with the paper that came in it.... I had to 
donate the sock, though. But
hey, I got to smoke it... hehehehehe- [WHACK] OUCH!!!!!

 Zoicite: Ok... NOW I feel better. So, are we getting out of here?

 [Jadeite and Malekite enters. Malekite runs over to Zoicite and hugs 
him]

 Malekite: Oh, I was so worried about you! Are you alright?

 Zoicite: Yes, I'm fine. It wasn't too hard.

 Jadeite: So, you got the stuff?

 Zoicite: Yep! Right here in this ba-.... um.... where is my bag? 
[remembers that it is on the
Enterprise]. Ah, man... the day can't get much worse than this!

 Malekite: Ummmmm.... guys.... does the Enterprise seem a lot closer 
to us now?

[Everyone looks at the instruments, which say that the ship is 
closing fast]

 Jadeite: Zoicite! Do we have and weapons?

 Zoicite: You know we don't!

 Jadeite: Well, get Nav. up at your conn.  Malekite, you keep 
tracking the ship, and Ne-

 Neflite: GUYS!!!! Nyahaha! Dude! Far out ! I got a plan!

 Zoicite: This should be cute....

 Neflite: No, man! Dig this! Y-see, we have to.... 

[That little scene warp thingie with the moon tiaras]
**********************************************************************
********


 [Scene: The front of Rei's house. The youma is beginning his attacks.
 The author would now like
to point out that this scene is a hell of a lot funnier if you enjoy 
and play Magic. If you don't...
well, it should still be ok.]

Youma: Lesse.. Tap one white and one.... ahhh, black land.. ARISE 
MESA PEGASUS!!!!!
 [From the cards a white Pegasus appears, and boy does he look like 
Zoicite did...]

 Data: Geez! Guys, we have to transform!!!!

 Deanna: We don't have any time!

 Worf: I agree, we-... ah... ah.. ACHOO!!! [Worf's sneeze blows the 
Mesa Pegasus 3 blocks away
where it slams into the side of a wall and dies]

 Youma: Damn 1/1 creatures... please don't let this be my "Weenie 
Madness" deck .....

 Deanna: Ummmm.. MARS POWER TRANSFORM... or something like- URK!!! 
[Deanna is cut
off as the transformation takes place. She is whipped around and has 
a Sailor Scout uniform on at
the end of it all.] Ooooooooooooooooo..... I don't feel too good.

 Picard: Pretty Piccy!!!!! [Holds hand up into the air]

 Riker-ohki: Oh, no! Not again [notices evil gleam in Worf's eyes]. 
Please don't Hail Mary me
again...

 Worf: Heh heh heh... of course not. EXTRA POINT!!!!! [Worf punts 
Riker over Picard's head]

 Riker: OW!!!!!! [Sails over Picard's head... who changes into Pretty 
Piccy]

 Youma: Hahahahaha!!!! Fools! POWER SINK!!!!!!! [Suddenly, Picard and 
Deanna transform
back] HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

 Picard: That is unethical comba- [noticed that Crusher is there. She 
turns and runs away]  
 Picard: [thinking] Now what the hell was that about.....?

 Youma: There is no way that I'm gonna let any of you transform 
again! I call upon the mighty...
uh... the mighty... [looks through his deck] DAMN!!!! This IS the 
Weenie Madness!!! Ummm... I
call upon the mighty..... uh..... the mighty SCRYB SPRITES!!!!!!
 [Suddenly, a flock of fairies appear. All of the people present 
break out laughing]

 Youma: Oh, you wouln't be laughing long!!!!!

 Worf: Why? Are we going to a Pauly Shore movie?

 Youma: Nooooo.... I put 3 GIANT GROWTHS ON THE MUTHA!!!!!!!!

 [Suddenly all of the sprites look like Arnold Schwartzenagger (SP?)..
.. on steroids.]

 Worf: Ulp... uh.... guys... we may need help!!!!!!

 Data: No need for that! I am the star, he HAS to let me transform!

 Youma: No I don't
  
 Data: Yep, you do... it's in the contract. Read it more carefully... 
now.. MOON PRISM
POWER!!!!!!! [Data starts to transform. Everyone goes out for Chinese.
... from China. As they
come back, Data is finishing up]

 Data: I AM SPINER MOON, CHAMPION OF JUSTICE!!!!! ON BEHALF OF THE 
MOON, I
WILL RIGHT WRONGS AND BECOME A MARKETING GIMMICK!!!! IN THE NAME OF
THE MOON, I'M GONNA KICK YER _ASS_!!!!!!!!!!
     
 Geordie: Data! You used contractions

Data: I do not know how... this is most odd.

 Youma: I'm tired of waiting!!!! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!! SPRITES, 
ATTACK!!!!!!

 Crusher: I don't think so [everyone turns to the bushes were they 
either see CMO Beverly
Crusher or a small black cat]. I've found the one force that you 
can't fight!!!

 Youma: There is nothing!!!!

 Crusher: Except..... JOCKS!!!!! I have a football team backing me 
up!!!!

 Youma: SHIT!!!! I'm outta here! [he creates a portal behind himself 
and disappears. All of the
sprites run away]
[A rose appears out of the sky]

 Q: Sailor Scouts! I am Tuxedo Mask, and I have come to-.... oh. I'm 
late. Well, I knew you knew
that you'd be able to do it. I'm going to go home and play DOOM. Moon 
BFG!!!!! [he jumps
away]

 Data: Lets go home.... Ms. Crusher, we have a lot to catch up on. Uh,
 were is the football team?

 Beverly: I lied. I had no one.... lets go. I'm starved.... got 
anything at the house?

[Rene comes up from behind a rock where she had been hiding]

 Rene: Sure... we have and ice cream maker at the house! A Skuld-o-
matic. [She grins, and Data
decides to ask questions about the fight later.] 
**********************************************************************
********
 [Scene: The Borg cube. All hell should be breaking loose, but 
everyone is under control. Jadeite
and Malekite are busy positioning mirrors, Neflite is obviously out 
of it, and Zoicite is waiting for
her part.]

 Jadeite: Ok, Malekite! Are you sure that the mirrors are aligned 
properly on your side?

 Malekite: Yeah... Zoicite, start singing this [passes a lyric sheet 
to him]... and hope that this
works....

 Zoicite: I don't get Neflite's plan... but...

 Malekite: It's a good plan, it should work!

 Neflite: No stems no seeds, more of what you need! Acapulco Gold: 
some..... [takes a hit of sock]
bad ass weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

 Malekite: You did file for life insurance, right?

 Jadeite: The ship will be in range in a few seconds! Start singing!

 Zoicite: Ok [looks at sheet, clears throat]
 Zoicite: Blowing Bevis by moonlight!
             Dancing naked in the daylight!
             Butthead tells me that she'd real ti-

 Malekite: Oops.... wrong sheet. [passes another one to Zoicite. 
Zoicite looks over it and starts to
sing]

 Zoicite: In the velvet darkness
              of the blackest night
             Burning briiiiiight.
             There's a guiding staaaaaaar (those who get reference, 
get your lighters ;>)
             No matter what or who you aaaaaaaaaaaare
             There's a liiiiiight!!!!!!

[Jadeite and Malekite's mirrors catch the light of thousands of BIC 
lighters held up into the air at
the line "There's a light". All of it is reflected to a lens, where 
it is focused shot at the Enterprise]
**********************************************************************
*******
[Enterprise bridge]

 Serina: Worf, are you saying that Zoicite escaped!?

 Lita: Gomen! It happened so fa- [Suddenly, this ship is rocked by an 
explosion]

 Rei: Captain, I think we've been hit!!!!

 Mina: I sense great- OW [Rei reached over and smacked her]
 Serina: I thought that they were supposed to be powerless!!!!!!
**********************************************************************
********
[ Scene: Borg Ship]

Zoicite: There's a liiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!! [light gun fires again]
**********************************************************************
********
[Enterprise]
 [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM]

 Serina: Return fire!!!

 Lita: We're not in range! [panel and ensign is standing in front of 
blows up for no reason]

 Serina: Suggestions!!!!!!!!

 Ami: I suggest that we put all of our resources into out 
navigational assets and try to make a
strategic retreat where we can regroup and plan for our next 
scrimmage.

 Serina: Wha?

 Ami: We need to get the hell out of here

 Serina: Duly noted! Lets get to a safer section.... how about 359?
**********************************************************************
********
[Jadeite's ship]

 Zoicite: Flow Morpheus slow, let the-

 Jadeite: Thanks, but that is enough. They're leaving.

 Malekite: Sensors show that their shields are down 43%! We can blow 
them away!!!!

 Jadeite: No... we are not killers anymore. We are.... [he looked 
around at his comrades]... a
family.

 Zoicite: Hey dad, can I borrow the car?

 Jadeite: June, please smack the Beav`.

 [Neflite softly smacks Zoicite] 

 Jadeite: Thank you. Now, lets all stick together... after all, we 
don't know what next episode may
bring.....
**********************************************************************
*******
[Scene: The Enterprise. The usual damage is done to the bridge area...
y'know, some wires
crackling, stuff burn, an unconscious ensign here and there. Serina 
is standing in front of her chair,
Rei is in hers... and is still being massaged]

 Serina: Geez, we got our asses STOMPED!!!! What happened?

 Rei: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh.... huh? Something happened?

 Ami: Captain... perhaps you should file a Captain's Log and give it 
to Starfleet. They are going to
want a record this event, starting with your log.

 Serina: Fine.... what do I do?

[Ami tells her]

 Hey, ... hey? Is this thing on? Am-... er Data, what button was it 
again? Oh, this one.  Ahem...
Captain's Log, Stardate.... damn that's a long number. Anyway, we 
just got walloped by some
Borg, and we are now proceeding to the nearest Starbase for repair....
 luckily it is where we were
going anyway. Um.... bye! Oh, and send money!!!! 
**********************************************************************
*******
[Kick in El Hazard "Next episode" BGM]

 Data: In our next episode.... ah.... guys.... we have NO idea what 
pt 4 will be about. Probably
something with the Q and Darian, Gall Force references, and the 
Guardian....

 See you there!!!!
**********************************************************************
******** 
     Hey kids! Don't do drugs, they will mess you up! They make you 
irrational, mess up your
system, even kill you. Now- [pauses as she notices Rei sneaking up 
behind her].... Rei, don't even
think about it.
     "Why not?," Rei asked mockingly. Then there was the click... 
like that of a gun.
           "There's a ten gauge checking out your cranium.... Ms. 
Little Nose." Rally Vincent steps
out of the shadows, holding... well, ten gauge.
     Also, don't mess with anyone too much.... Sailor Says
[fade out, we hear a gunshot]
You shot my friend!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[We hear another]
**********************************************************************
********
No Luna letters, I'll wait till I get some responses to this one 
before I tack them on. I need about 3
more....

I hope you guys enjoy, and tell me if there are any parts that need 
work!