Captain's Log, Stardate 83271283912102.834872... ah, screw it
We have been pulled away from our.....ah, important mission for crew
sanity. Yeah, that's the
ticket. Anyway, we've been pulled to from our mission to investigate
a concentration of waves in
the electromagnetic spectrum in the Enigma quadrant. While
electromagnetic waves are nowhere
near rare, even in concentration, this anomaly stays around for only
30 minutes every 24 hours,
and is always near 100MHz.
[Cut to the captain's chambers. We see Picard finishing off the
Captain's Log, when that stupid
tweedly-boop chimes]
Picard: We can travel the stars, solve all international conflicts,
most interplanetary ones, but we
can't make a damn doorbell. [Feels top of head] Or a good hair cream.
Come.
[Door opens, Riker steps in]
Riker: I demand to know why our shore leave is canceled!
Picard: One, its a "phsycological maintenance mission". No way in
hell would Starfleet finance a
"shore leave" to Disney Planet [Picard gives 3 winks, Riker catches
on].
Riker: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Picard: Two, never take that tone with me. And address me properly.
Riker: Yes, oh balding one.
Picard: Dammit, don't MAKE me stick you in a room with Wesley Crusher.
Riker: Message received. Now, why are we being pulled away? I mean, I
was just about to get my
Captain Kirk on when BANG! I'm back up here.
Picard: Well, number one, you COULD read the script.
Riker: Oh..... yeah. [strikes pose, exits]
**********************************************************************
****
[Enter a certain house in Tokyo. Specifically, the room of a certain
moon princess. More
specifically, zoom on that certain person's bed, where a certain cat
is trying to rouse her]
Luna: USAG...er, I mean SERINA! GET YOUR LAZY BLOND ASS OUT OF
BED!!!!! IT'S
AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Serina [suddenly at attention]: Luna! You've never used language
like THAT before!
Luna: That's because this is a fan parody, you insufferably stupid
bitch. I can say what I damn
well please!
Serina: Huh.... does that mean I can do what I want to?
Luna: Of course, dumb ass.
Serina [Mischievous look in her eyes]: I've been waiting for this...
MOON SCEPTER ANNI-
Luna: Did I say dumb ass? I meant.... uh.... "super lass." Yeah,
that's it.
Serina [puts wand away to.... gee, where does she put it?]: Nice
save. Anyway, what's this
emergency?
Luna: There is a huge black swirly thing in the sky over your
school!
Serina: Oh NO! Is it doing any damage?
Luna: No... it's not.
Serina: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ..... I didn't do my Algebra One
homework.
Luna [mumbling ]: So practice your future job skills and blow Melvin
for it.
Serina: WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!?!?! MOON SCEPTER A-
Luna: [quickly]: Moon BFG9000 owie [Luna whips out a that gun from
DOOM and shoots a
moon shaped forcebolt the size of Manhattan over Serina's head]
Serina: Um.... nevermind.... I'm on my way.... get the other Sailor
Scouts.... say.... where did you
get that gun?
Luna: You didn't think that I'd give you guys the GOOD stuff, did
you?
**********************************************************************
*******
[Switch to the bridge. The full bridge crew is there, including
Wesley and Yar.]
Picard: What the hell are THEY doing there!? They're supposed to be
dead!
Narrator: Oops.... sorry. [Yar and Crusher both explode in a flash
of light]
Deanna: Uhhh... captain? Wesley's not dead.
Picard: SHHHHHHHHH! The author doesn't know that, he's only a
trekkie on the side. Besides,
a little white lie and a dry cleaning bill for the damage to the
place where he went boom is a fairly
good price to get rid of that snot.
Data: Captain, we are in range of the anomaly.
Captain: On screen. [Data places the object On screen. It is hard to
make out what it is, as the
screen is jumping so much]
Riker: Data... what is that? Why can't we focus on it?
Geordie: Hmmmm.... it might be interfering with the sensors.... give
me a second..
Data: I do believe he was talking to me, Mr. LaForge.
Geordie: Bite me. Hold on.
[Geordie goes to the Big-Ass View Screen (TM) (made by the Big-Ass
corp, which also produces
spatulas) and flips down a black panel below it. This reveals various
knobs and buttons.]
Geordie: Lesse.... contrast.... color.... CATV....stereo sound.......
ah, here it is! Vertical hold.
[The screen stops jumping and displays an orange whirly thing]
Picard: Data..... what _is_ that? [Data opens his mouth to speak,
but Picard cuts him off]
Picard: and if you say "an orange whirly thing" I will personally
beat your bionic butt.
Data: I was merely going to mention that this looks surprisingly
familiar to an anomaly that we
faced in a ST:TNG/Red Dwarf fanfic.
Riker: Which anomaly?
Deanna: Which ST:TNG\Red Dwarf fanfic?
[ Data rolls his eyes at the futility of it all, and reads them the
analyses of the anomaly. It matches
what was expected.]
Picard: Good. Mr. Data, fire a stream of tachyons into the center of
the anomaly.
Data: Sir.... why?
Picard: That's what it says here in "Mr. Scott's Star Trek Technical
Space Stuff: What-To-Do"
manual. [Picard glances down at the manual] Also, give it an obscure
name.
Data: I hate to point this out, sir, but Mr. Scott wasn't exactly an
expert on spacial anomalies.
Apparently, they are only using his _name_ as endorsement, so that
information could be wrong.
Picard: But it's produced by Time/Life books.
Data: Do you mean the people who did that home repair series?
Picard: Yes.
Data: Well then, it must be right.
Wesley: Hey, didn't you try that tachyon thing with another anomaly
and nearly screw all of
humanity?
Picard: Didn't we kill you?
[Before Wesley can reply, a gerbil exits the turbolift, quickly
devours Wesley, and escapes the way
he came]
Riker: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Worf: I don't know, but I think I'm going to like this author!
Picard: Now, back to the anomaly. Instead of tachyons, fire phasers
into it.
Deanna: But what if its an intelligent life form?
Worf: Then it's just about to have a really bad day [Worf slams down
on the fire button]
**********************************************************************
*****
"When *is* that moron going to show up!?" Rei was tired of all
this. First, on the one night
she did *all* of her algebra homework, the school has a strange...
force.... over it (no, NOT
DUCK TAPE), making her efforts moot. She had lost a lot of sleep
that night, so she tried to take
a nap while her chronically late leader showed up. As she was falling
asleep, one of the sailors
whispered "Overfiend" into her ear.
Needless to say, the dreams weren't pleasant.
To top it off, Sailor Neptune was looking at her kinda funny.....
.
"Sorry I'm late! I go out of be- OUCH!!!!!!!!!!" Rei's right
fist connected squarely with
Serina's left eye. She went down.... hard.
"Wow..... abusing others felt.... GOOD! I'll have to change the
Sailor Says for this
afternoon!" Rei started cackling a la' Kodachi, Amy only sighed and
read her book, and Mina and
Lita also paid no attention. However, all were grinning. Till, of
course, that familiar rose came
zooming in.
"Sailor Scouts! How dare you attack my meal ticke-, er, my
future wife! Must I "re-enforce"
what you have been taught on conduct?" scolded Tuxedo Kamen.
"Depends.... positive re-enforcement?" Rei's mind drifts to her
and Darien making out.
"Besides, why are you named kamen in here instead of "mask"?"
"Probably a Star Trek joke coming up."
"Hey guys, did you know that this disturbance, when it becomes
unstable, will affect the
reality around us?" Amy said out of nowhere.
"Good work Amy, at least SOMEONE here is doing some work. Are
you using that
computer I gave you?" Luna asked.
"No, I hot-wired my GameGear. It is a lot better than that Kitty-
Crap 900," Ami replied.
Luna sighed. "Well, what kind of disturbance?"
"A phase blast would do nicely.... but who would do that?
Besides, the first thing we'd notice is
a change...in...the....style...of..........writing. Oh crap."
Suddenly, a HUGE bolt crackled
through the disturbance. It engulfed the area around them and
suddenly.....
There was nothing.
**********************************************************************
********
"Captain," Data started, "it appears that the anomaly is.... OH
SHIT!!!!!!!" The ship was
engulfed by a force bolt similar to the one that hit Tokyo.
"Damn.... a cross-over..... again...." said Worf began, before
he passed out.
And then there was nothing.
And then the authors wheel landed on "bring back dead enemies"
**********************************************************************
********
Somewhere... a crystal cracked.... somewhere, a soul rose from
death. Somewhere, evil
rested upon the Borg ship. It cut it off from the collective before
taking it over. Most of the Borg
died, save for four bodies.... The ship's internal structure
reconfigured itself to look more unholy,
more evil.... if that was possible. One of the four Borg suddenly
jerked, as if someone had taken it
over. In fact... someone did.
"Ahhhh... much better" said Jadeite. "7 weeks can give you such
a crick in the neck."
**********************************************************************
********
Serina: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng...... where are we?
[Serina looks around, and
sees that she is directly on top of Sailor Mars with Sailor Neptune.
She thanks <fill in deity> that
this isn't a lemon, and the author isn't THAT sick. Ami starts to
come to...and notices that she's
on the Enterprise-D bridge.]
Ami: Oh, man! I'm never mixing vodka, tequila, and Night Train agai-..
...oh, this is REAL!?
[Ami, as expected, was a ST:TNG fan]. This CAN'T be happening! I need
a drink!
Rei (waking up with Serina and <Neptune> on top of
her):AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ami: Shit! Someone else is out of alcohol!
Luna: People.....
[Ami is trying to get the replicators to make alcohol, a blue Adidas
jacket, and cigarette. Sailor
Mars is chacing Sailor Moon and Sailor Neptune around. Neptune is
quickly becoming annoyed]
Luna: Excuse me...
[The rest of the Sailor Scouts start to wake up. Neptune starts to
charge for her attack. Sailor
Moon starts to cry. The rest of the Sailor Scouts rally around either
Sailor Moon or Sailor Mars.
Sailor Mercury is running around screaming "I need a drink!!!".
Tuxedo Mask starts to come to,
whispering "Sailor....Jailbait....."]
Luna (firing 3 shots in the air with the BFG): SHADDUP!!!!!
[Everyone shuts up]
Luna: Thank you. Now, in case you are blind, we happen to be....
well, not in Kansas.
Serina: Ummmm.... we never WERE in Kansas.
Luna: *Sigh*... you *HAVE* seen "The Wizard of Oz", right?
Serina: Is that anything like "The Wizard of Id"?
Luna: Why me? Why? Why!!!!? Anyway, first thing we need to do is
establish why we're here.
Hopefully, if we fix it and we can get out of here.
Ami: Or we could end up leaping from life to life, setting right
what will go wrong, and hoping
each time that the next leap will be the leap home.
Luna: Have I heard that before?
Ami: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....no?
Luna: Ok... [she notices that Ami sighs and relaxes slightly] Anyway,
I thought that Ami might be
able to let us know where we are. You seemed to know what those
cavities in the wall were there
for.
Ami: We.... seem to be in a show called "Star Trek: The Next
Generation", so watch out for
anime references. We are on the bridge of the starship Enterprise NCC-
1701-D, and we'd better
get off of it quickly or have darn good explanations.
Lita: Um... why do you say that?
Ami: The NCC-1701-D is the flagship of the Starfleet space fleet,
and also one of the most
powerful ships in the Federation.
Darian: Ahhh, the Defiant could kick its ass.
Ami: Yes... if it were backed up with a space station!
Darian: Hey! Cheap shot! Anyway, Sisko RULES!!!
Ami: Does not!
Darian: Does too!
Ami: Does not!
Darian: Does too!
Serina: Darain.... I didn't know you watched that geeky space show.
[thinking] Besides, Picard
could take Sisko.... even though the commander is kinda cute...
Darain: Well... I was a closet trekkie.
Serina: Closet?
Rei: Like your father is a closet transvesti-
AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Everyone looks to Luna who is holding a smoking Moon BFG]
Artemis: Good shot, honey
Luna: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I told you not to call me that in pub-
[Luna stops as the turbolift opens and a nameless ensign steps out.
He doesn't seem to notice
anything......... at first. He goes over to Serina]
Ensign: Is something wrong, sir?
Ami: [Thinking] Oh boy.
Luna: [Thinking] Oh SHIT!
**********************************************************************
********
Data: Does anyone here feel a draft?
Geordie: Yeah...... [Geordie looks to mirror, notices that he and
everybody else there has on sailor
scout uniforms, save one person] Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....... green and
pink don't go well together.
[Geordie notices that the lips move in sync with what he's saying. He
then starts to wave his hands
in front of him... he tweaks his nose, blinks his eyes, feels his
chest ( scuse me, are those breasts?),
and then reached down to his crotch. He takes a deep breath]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worf: Ow......
Deanna: Ow....
Data: Ow....
Q: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
[All turn to Q]
Deanna: Q! What have you done this time? Where are the captain and
Riker?
Q: Y'know... I have no idea. I've tried contacting the continuum,
but it isn't working. Hmmm... I
wonder if that new system we put in is as good as the guy claims......
[Switch shot. We see 3 people who look surprisingly like Urd,
Belldandy, and Skuld bashing bugs
that keep popping out of a huge screen with "Yggdrasil 95" on it.
Switch back.]
Q: Besides, don't you think that if *I* were controlling this that I
would at LEAST give myself a
better body? Nothing wrong with this one, but I really don't like the
bodies of 23 year old men...
nice tux, though.
Geordie: Auuuugh..... damn... that was scary! I'm better now. And Q,
you do have a point. So...
who is controlling all of this?
Q: [shrug] I dunno. All I know is that I'm using my powers to get
the hell out of here. [Q first
tries snapping his fingers to disappear in a flash of light, then
swishes his hand in front of a T.V.
screen and then tries to go through, head first] ]KLUNK[It doesn't
work]
Data: It would appear that we are all in a parallel dimension... one
where very little of out former
selves appear. While WE can see each other as we really are, those
around us can't. In fact, we
take on the appearance we do in the mirror. I don't know, but I think
that we may have some
serious problems with the timing of all of this. We are in a series
called "Sailor Moon USA", a
cheap DIC knock off of a real series. Anyway.... I apparantly am
Sailor Moon, aka Usagi.. or
Serina, whatever. You [Pointing to Q] are Tuxedo Mask, Geodie [looks
at him] is Sailor Mercury,
Deanna is Sailor Mars, Worf is Sailor Jupiter... and, well, that's
all that's here. More people
probably left the ship, and will turn up later. I do hope that no
"souls" are in flux, as that would
mean that their lives depend on our setting things right.
Worf: Not much of a plot.
Data: Did you ever see Tank Police Act 1?
Worf: Point taken.
Geordie: How do you know all of this?
Data: I read the script. It also said that because my emotions chip
wasn't strong enough to keep all
of my personality, it will be mixing in with my host's... like, major
cool!
Geordie: Man, I hope this one ends soon....
Data: Yes, it, like, totally does. In 2 minutes
**********************************************************************
********
Picard: My goodness.... this is quite embarrassing. [He again looks
at himself in the mirror and is
looking into the face to Sasami... or, Pretty Sammy!]
Riker: You're one to talk. [Riker-ohki climbs up onto Picard's
shoulder] At least you aren't a
damn cat!
Picard: Awwww.... you're cute, number one... and you more resemble a
rabbit.
Riker: A cat!
Picard: A bunny.
Riker: A cat!
Picard: A bunny!
[Fade out]
**********************************************************************
*******
[Swith to a shot of space. No Enterprise, nothing... just space.
Voice overs start.... well, what do
you expect... faded faces in against the space sky that eirily fade
in and out? Hey, that would be
kinda cool. The faces are of Ryo-ohki and Sasami.]
Ryo-ohki: So it looks likes our souls are in "flux" as our bodies
are in use.
Sasami: Oh, man... we are so dead.
Ryo-Ohki: Don't worry, they are part of a federation! I'm sure that
they will go in with the same
"Death or Glory" spirit that Mihishi always fights with!
Sasami: We are increadibly dead.
**********************************************************************
*******
[Kick in El Hazard "next episode" BGM]
Data: In our next episode, the Sailor Scouts have to take command of
the Enterprise and lead it
on a daring mission to survey a Borg ship near DS9... if it can get
there.
[Scene of Serina and Rei arguning over a 2-D AAA map, making
directional signals with their
hands. Ami is hard pressed trying to remove "The Club" from the
navigational panel.]
And we try and find the secret of "Queen Beryl"
[Picture of Beryl, with mosaic over her face]
And Alielle tries to sleep with anything resembling a fe-... hey
wait, she is not in this!
[Picture of Alielle trying to get a date with Minnie-May of GSC...
and Minnie-May is apparently
considering it]
See you there!
It is the dream of those who had 6 slices of pizza before
going to bed.
**********************************************************************
********
And now for the Sailor Says! Even though people say it's wrong,
bashing someone in the face is a
great stress reliever. Sailor Sa- OWWWWW!!!!!!! Dammit, Rei, come
back here! I'm gonna kick
your ass, fartknocker!!!! Huh huh huh.... cool.
**********************************************************************
********
Ok... if any of you are planning on killing me, wait your turn.
I KNOW I've pissed off a
few SM fans in Charlotte, and they know where I live! Anyway, the
usual begging for comments,
critiques (y'know... what you like and don't), money, etc. Flames
will make me wonder what kind
of looser would waste his time trying to diss a person across the
internet.
PLEASE send comments! It.... it gets so lonely......
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
**********************************************************************
********
To the ML: This is version... well, I guess 1.2. Sections have been
lengthned, and a few new
one's have been added. A character guide to the Trek cast is in this
part, the Scout's are in pt. 2.
PLEASE tell me if this has cleared up the problems.
And yes, Spiner Moon pt 3 is being written, I'm not just going to
keep re-releasing pts 1-2 <G>.