Hi Ben,
Nice story you've got going. Here are my comments (FWIW), some are kind of
general in nature. Of course, feel free to file everything immediately in
the circular file. :)
Technical-type writing comment: somebody PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong
about this, but aren't you supposed to put some sort of punctuation before
the close-quote if it's followed by something on the lines of 'said
so-and-so'. Also, aren't you supposed to put a comma before the open-quote
of someone's speech if it's along the lines of 'so-and-so said,
"such-and-such"'? Examples of what I'm asking about:
"I don't know but whoever they are the don't like boomers either" responded
Linna as her boomer.......
Wouldn't it actually be written:
"I don't know but whoever they are the don't like boomers either," responded
Linna as her boomer...... ^^^^^
???
AND
Sylia ordered "Priss switch to IR, Linna stay in normal light."
Wouldn't this be:
Sylia ordered, "Priss switch to IR, Linna stay in normal light."
^^^^ ???
"Like I like getting my arm broke." was the moody singers reply.
Would actually be:
"Like I like getting my arm broke," was the moody singers reply.
^^^ ???
But the puncuation used this way is ok:
"Who the hell was that!!" shouted Priss as she scanned the roof tops,
looking for more threats.
"Is the target still there Nene?" asked Linna.
Sylia was more concerned with locating the interloper. "Nene can you get a
lock now?"
If I'm all wet on this, somebody let me know please! :-)
PS - watch out, you don't always have punctuation at the end of your
sentences. You might want to make another pass with the grammar and spell
checker too. Possessives, contractions (won't, not wont), and to/too
your/you're there/their/they're can be a pain to get straight <g>
CHAPTER 1: First Contact
Meanwhile Sylia had been reviewing the battle tapes. "Nene, please come
over here please, I would like your help"
I know Japanese is an outwardly polite language, but isn't Sylia being a
little too courteous tonight. ;-)
Chapter 2: 2ND CONTACT PART 1
Then a bass line started. With it a third spot drew Priss' eyes to a man
playing some
odd keyboard/gutair combination. It had two necks and was connected to some
sort of amplifier/computer set up.
Priss snorted to herself. * Looks like something Nene would play. *
I don't think Sylia looks right playing bass myself. :-)
"It is called the Southern Cross, and the original group was called 'Crosby,
Stills and Nash'. I hope we do justice to it."
Madonna, followed by CSN? Kinda eclectic group, aren't they? <g>
[You see this woman on a TV show
she's dripping in diamonds from head to toe]
The woman in question looked like one of Priss' least favorite "idol" singers
Hmmm, anybody we know?
But this implies that Priss has some favorite idol singers. Somehow, given
her reaction to becoming one herself (Crash 1), I don't think Priss would
think too much of them, let alone have a favorite or two.
(Land of Illusions by Genesis)
[ed note: need to decide what to do with this one]
No suggestions from me, but given what you're doing with the other songs,
this one has REAL possibilities!
[I'm a cowgirl, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowgirl, I've got the night on my side
I'm wanted dead or alive
wanted dead or alive]
Sounds kinda appropriate for the KS too, ne c'est pas?
Suddenly Priss heard a familiar voice, a voice she had hopped would never
^^^^^^
hoped
"This is Priss of Priss and the Replicants, Angel. The act we will be
fronting for >some nights. .....
I'm not up on my rock-speak lately, but is "fronting" right? I thought the
term was "opening"?
some of that new European stuff we've been hearing about, broke the
password code
almost has fast as your first run Cyberbear"
^^^ as
But the also noted that the others icon was very well detailed,
^^^ they
"Yes but until then you are just a blasted.
^^ as
Chapter 3: 2nd Contact part 2
* It is fortunate that Mackie is
working on the van. His hormones just might not be able to handle these two. *
She then frowned. There was something familiar about these two, but she was
quite sure she had never met them before.
'These two' twice in 2 paragraphs? Maybe a bit redundant?
The
conformation came when the shorter one said, after looking the "item", "Mon
^^^^^^^^^^^ confirmation
Deu, I best save that one until after the show Tina, or mon petite Louis
will be to
exhausted to perform."
Gosh, Sylia, just what *do* you have in your inventory anyway?
Aloud she said "Yes this is a very
good choice. If you need further assistance feel no hesitation to call for
me."
FURTHER assistance? Sylia may have walked over to Tina and Angelique, but
she didn't assist them with anything.
The two combatants were focused fully on each other, not noticing the crowd
that was
now watching them. Both had smiles for the contest they were having. This
was better
than a good workout. This was a contest between two very evenly matched
people.
If they are so focused on something that is essentially fighting, how come
they are smiling at each other? (My sensei used to get just a little
irritated at people who were going around smiling when they were supposed to
be concentrating. :)
"My father has collected a rather unusual group of friends. Many of them
became as
close as real Aunts and Uncles. I still call them Aunt or Uncle so and so
when I see
them."
"Well that is nice, I lost my family in the big quake."
Nobody's asked Linna about her family, so why is she bringing it up out of
the blue to, essentially, a total stranger? If it still hurts (as she says
later), would she bring it up if she wasn't specifically asked about it?
Chapter 4: Family History
"Thank you both. With friends like you I don't think I'll ever loose sight.
^^^^
lose
Chapter 5: BLOW UP (REVISED)
During the story she meets this (Nene went into a very
long description of the story's male lead) hunk.
Aw, come on! Let's have the description!
Or to use her full proper name, Christina
Charline Wilson, second daughter of Stewart Wilson.
And daddy used to run around as a guy named "Challenge". And he has some
unusual friends, including someone named Charline Thomas (AKA Plasma Girl),
and a couple others named Kei and Yuri. (yes, I found your DP story <g>)
You're a braver man than I am, Gunga Din, to link BGC with the Dirty Pair -
Is your next project a direct cross-over?
"Brian J. Mason, Katlyn Madagan, and Hyru Yuma.
Check, Check, and Who? BTW - have I been reading too many fan stories? I
thought her name was Kathryn "Kate" Madigan?
Then Tina saw one of the perusing K-11's take a hit to the
^^^^^^^ pursuing
"It got me and a friend over here"
"Oh and who is the friend?"
Awfully nosy, isn't she?
Before Priss could react Tina laughed "I'm an American Sho.
I'm a native born Texan in fact, " Tina dropped into a
_very_ exaggerated Texan drawl "I'm surprised you couldn't
tell at first lit'le partner." Then she returned to her normal
tones "But I've spent time all over the world, including a few
summer months here in Tokyo before it became Mega-
Tokyo."
Did she switch from Japanese to English when she went into the Texas drawl?
(I'd like to hear Japanese spoken with a Texas twang sometime :)
Tina managed
to catch Priss in a few times, both in her apartment and her
trailer.
Priss has an apartment?
Of course the Knight Sabers mention bits and pieces of this at
their routine meetings.
Oops! The infamous tense-swap
"Hello, S&T School of . . . Tina-chan!!!" The view screen
<snip>
"Hello Aunti A. Long time no see. I have a favor to ask you
and Uncle R. Please hear me out before you say yes or no."
AHHHHH!!!!! You've combined RANMA with the Dirty Pair AND BGC??!!! RUN FOR
YOUR LIVES!!!!!!
a short in her VOX switch was caring her part of her conversations with
Louis to the
^^^^^ carrying
Back in the Knightwing Sylia snapped orders. "Linna take
the remaining motoslav down and assist Priss and Defiance.
^^^^^^^^ motoslave (or motoroid)
immediate dust off." As Nene got up from the consul Sylia
^^^^^ console
(unless she's getting off of a diplomat <g>)
"OK, but listen out. Also I think I might know the Green
Saber as well. I will talk to about it later."
I think you're missing a word here
Sylia's responce showed no fear. "I very much doubt that
Mr. Meson.
Mason or Meson - you're using both.
Chapter 6 Aftershocks
Priss was unusually quiet after she came out of her
"discussion" with Sylia.
* I knew she'd be pissed, but making me do the
maintenance on ALL the suits for a week? It will take
most of that time just doing all the reloads! *
[Authors note: if you think this is an excessive amount of
time think of how reluctant Priss is to do manual labor]
While this is cute, it interrupts the flow of the story (IMO). I suggest
either making it an end-of-section/story comment or dropping it completely.
"Good I have wanted to meet your twin for quiet a while.
Is he as handsome as you are pretty?" asked Angel.
Angel and Louis have been Tina's trusted partners for *how* long, and
they've never met her brother?
"I see" Tina appeared to have suppressed a grin. "Well
I've got two people to meet you." Tina then introduce
Sho and his mother to her Aunt and Uncle.
She doesn't introduce Priss? How rude! ;-)
Priss snorted then said, "I lost the bet. We bet whether
you would say anything or wait until you got back to our
base"
I thought they were having the initial meeting on neutral ground?
"Is it just for me? Or do they want Louis and Angel
too?"
"Just you at first. My boss thought you would have
support. If it goes well she will bring them in too.
This makes it sound like everybody is considering this a 'recruiting visit'
(as in KS recruiting Defiance) instead of a just a meeting.
"Sorry for the blindfold but It is a basic precaution in case
it doesn't work out." Linna apologized as she lead Tina
up into Sylia's apartment. ^^^ led
BTW - is this blindfold on or off? Later comments make it sound like it
should be off (especially since Tina's looking at things and there's no
mention of removing it)
needs to balance them. Genom is the worse of the lot.
^^^^^ worst
Sylia looked at Nene, Priss and Linna. "Mackie has
already agreed. Do the rest of you accept Tina, Louis and
Angelique as Knight Sabers?"
Is this something that would be voted on in front of the prospective member?
What if somebody voted 'no' (or wanted to vote no - talk about peer
pressure)? IMO they would probably have already decided amongst themselves
whether or not they're going to bring her in (assuming they don't hear
anything disturbing from her during their little 'chat'). All Sylia would
have to do here is ask Tina if she (and the others) want to join them.
Later!
Jeanne Hedge
jhedge@water.waterw.com
================================================================
"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink..."
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'