Hi Jeanne.
At 07:37 PM 03/12/95 -0500, you wrote:
Hi Andy,
FWIW, here's my $0.02 on "Bubblegum Cross" (prologue and 1-4). I can't
figure out where you're taking this, but it should be interesting. :)
Good! Then I'm doing my job ;)
Prologue
various small, metal items. Working quickly, the smallest of the three
shadows placed a gray, palm-sized, rectangular box at each corner of the
doors frame and then stepped back, motioning his companions to do the
^^^^^ door's
Jeanne this gets back to a question I asked you before. The comma is supposed
to signify possession. Does the door, (an inanimate object) own the frame?
Inside they found an array of video monitors and a video camera mounted
on one wall at eye level with a large wooden desk coated with a fine layer
of dust.
This sort of sounds like the video camera is mounted on a wall at eye level
with a desk. I think you're trying to say that there was a desk, an array
of video monitors, and a video camera mounted at eye level in the room?
Yes. That's exactly what I was trying to say. Noted.
carpet just below the panel. Touching the cubes topmost face triggered a
^^^^^ cube's
fist. He crawled underneath the desk and placed the cube on the plush
carpet just below the panel. Touching the cubes topmost face triggered a
low cyclic hum that both figures could feel in their feet. They became
aware of the minutes passing by again as they waited for the device to
perform its task.
The humming stopped abruptly, sending the shorter shadow onto his
knees again to pry at the panel until it popped open, its energy lock little
more than iron filings now. He reached into the magnetically shielded
When did he come out from under the desk and stand up?
Noted.
container. The shorter shadows hand trembled slightly as he worked the
^^^^^^^ shadow's
Noted.
doorway. He removed the last four matter-displacers attached to the metal
doors frame and placed them carefully alongside the others in his bag. With
^^^^^ door's
Noted. Yeesh, I gotta check better.
OK, your prologue (IMO) sets up that this story has something to do with the
OverMind Control System. Is that what you were after? I think it's a good
addition to the story. You might want to clarify when this takes place.
Since the rest of the story is in 2038 (and Genom is, apparently, out of
business), is this OMS theft something that brought about Genom's fall, or
something that happened in the 'ruins', as part of current events?
Noted. You will read this in the prologue when it's revised: By including the
AD Police line tape across the door (coated with dust) I hoped to indicate that
Genom had been closed for some time and that a police investigation took place
some time ago that failed to turn up the OMS. I want to indicate time but
I'd rather
not spell it out. I'll have to work on it.
Part 1. Artificial Instinct
Inside the make-shift
departments scientists peered through welding goggles at thick plates of
steel as blue beams of energy pierced through them in a fraction of a
second.
This is a comment about style, something I don't like to comment about
usually (unless I'm teasing Bert), so take it or leave it (and any of my
other comments) as you please.
You've got several sentences in your story that are on the longer side, and
are hard to make sense of. IMO you should consider breaking some of these
up into shorter sentences or by inserting some commas. For example, in the
sentence above it reads to me like you are going to talk about something
going on inside the make-shift departments scientists. You could break it
up and (IMO) make it make a bit more sense by inserting 1 comma like so:
"Inside the make-shift departments, scientists peered....."
Just something you might want to consider. :)
Before this story hit the list there were many sentences that ran on, They
were trimmed
down until I had a dozen or so left. Although the sentences are long, I
found them to
be very useful for describing things in a more prosaic way (W.Gibson'ish).
You're right
though, maybe a few too many long sentences :)
In an operating room a cheetah lay motionless on a steel table as
surgeons gathered around it stared up at a micro-camera view of the
animals brain.
^^^^^^^ animal's You might want to re-read with an eye
to getting the possessives and contractions straightened out. There are
several instances of things like animals/animal's and its/it's throughout.
Definitely. I actually checked for this the last time you C & C'ed parts 1 -
4 and I thought I'd caught them (!!!!) Guess not ;)
Leomund's private investor's lost interest in the benefits
^^^^^^^ investors
Noted.
Part 2. Black Rain
But the rain that had fallen on Mega Tokyo for many years now was also
spurious.
Huh? Hasn't M-T always had rain? Or has the ran for the last few years
been different from the rain before?
I was trying to describe what makes Mega Tokyo unique. The pacific rim is a
very active volcanic region. The volcanic activity and earthquake activity
go hand in hand. Volcanic ash can remain suspended in the atmosphere for
years, causing
the rain to be saturated with grit and chemicals. Hence the black grit in
the rain
and the title of the chapter.
cities violent geological past. Buildings had been demolished and
^^^^^ city's
Noted.
Although
distorted, each note of each chord could be heard clearly. Here was
someone who cared about their tone. About their music. About their sound.
Several notes played at the same time (usually by the same instrument) make
a chord. You shouldn't be able to pick out the individual notes that make
up the chord. And how do you hear the individual notes and tone of
something clearly when it's distorted?
You are absolutely correct. Up to a point. Having played hard rock electric
guitar
for 12 years now, I have learned a new language. It is the language of
describing
a tone. The type of guitar tone I'm describing is the difference between
Eddie Van
Halen's tone and Trent Reznor's (NIN) tone. Eddie's guitar has a very low
powered
pickup (transducing device that picks up the strings vibrations) that outputs a
distorted but 'clear' tone. Trent Reznor's high output pickup creates a
very fuzzy tone where the notes all seem to be smushed together with little
clarity. Bottom line is, it's a guitarist's slang thing and it's a very
sought after sound to have a guitar tone that can
be 'distorted but clean'.
Frantically scanning the ground below her for the firearm she found it in the
hands of the attacker who she'd dealt with first. Before she could react the
man 's arm came down at her head.
Why didn't he just shoot her?
This guy is still feeling the effects of his fall and I could describe his
state better.
The metal handle of the gun made brief
contact, but long enough to send her to her knees. Priss fought the surging
dizziness for a moment and then gave in, falling to the pavement on to her
stomach.
This sounds like contact with the butt (not handle) of the gun pushed her
down, not the blow given by the butt causing some sort of injury making her
fall.
Yes, I can see that. Noted.
Part 3. Below The Surface
As her memory crystallized and her suspicion began its effort to take
hold, the front door opened and closed, choking the smoke in her brain that
struggled to become fire. She glanced at her gun sitting on top of her jacket
ten feet away and cursed under her breath for not grabbing it when she had
the chance. Blackie stopped in the cramped, enclosed kitchen area to unload
some groceries, still hidden from his guest's view. She was about to reach
for the gun when he finally rounded the corner and came into view. Seeing
her awake, his face lit up and he was about to speak but she cut him off.
A matter of preference, but I don't think you should reveal his name until
he introduces himself to Priss. Also, since Priss can't see him, she can't
know what he's doing or where he's at. Maybe you should just say that she
hears the door open and close, and then hears someone moving around in
another room. Then he finally rounds the corner and comes into view, which
is the first time she knows who's in the apartment with her.
Exactly. I felt the problems with this part when I wrote it but I was just
so happy
to have completed the heavy surgery on this part that I let it go with the
thought of coming back to it later. Noted.
guitar and studied it's curves as he spoke, "You're at my place. It's a couple
blocks from the bar. You're bike's okay. I checked on it this morning when I
was out. I guess those guys had enough for one night."
Silence answered his statement, his guest lost in thought over the
embarassing encounter with the bike thieves.
"My bike's okay?", she asked finally.
Priss, dear, I know you're probably confused, but he just *told* you your
bike's ok. ;-)
She's worried about it. Her bike is very important to her. Almost as important
as some of the people in her life. That's the way I see Priss.
Blackie put his cup down on the floor and moved
her jacket and gun from the wooden chair to on top of a small TV at the end
of the couch.
IMO, if he wants his guest to feel comfortable (since she doesn't know him
and she *was* armed) he really shouldn't have moved her gun out of her reach.
Ah. Interesting. I hadn't thought of it that way. I was just trying to find
Blackie
a seat :) Noted.
Part 4. Cold Fire
Genom. The word had struck Priss like an arrow through her heart.
She stared hard at Blackie, suddenly on her guard and buoyed by the fact
that her instinct had uncovered something. Something she felt sure was
important. Something that she feared was important. She studied Blackie's
face for any sign of deception but saw none.
<snip>
silence as she asked the question that she did not want to ask.
"What did your father do at Genom?", she said flatly.
Wow! Someone's slightly paranoid. Does she do this to everybody who had a
relative that used to work for Genom? No wonder she doesn't have any
friends if she acts like this. I just don't see any conceivable reason for
Priss to react like this.
Really? I have had people tell me that Priss wouldn't trust this guy this
quickly
and now that she's paranoid. I guess that's what I like about her. She's
difficult to
describe convincingly. I love a challenge ;)
"I didn't know my father that well really," Blackie continued abruptly as
if reading her thoughts,"I only spent about a year or two with him at work
<snip>
puzzle pieces flew in circles in Priss' tired mind, just out of reach and in a
frustratingly random pattern.
IMO it doesn't make any sense why Priss (subconsciously or not) is trying to
make a connection between Blackie's father and Sylia's.
She isn't. She's connecting th explosions. She hears, "I only spent a year
or two with him and then the explosion happened". She thinks Genom +
explosion. Where have I heard this before? Ah, Sylia's father's death. Seems
like a natural progression to me. I have tried to portray Priss in my story
as someone who's fed up with being alone (her attitude is her worst enemy)
and takes a chance. She followed Blackie halfway across the night club to
talk to him because she was attracted to him. This is uncharacteristic of
Priss who is usually very independent and self-sufficient but that kind of
life will get
lonely someday. Priss is changing.
Blackie saw the fatigue in her eyes and took the cue. As he stood to
<snip>
thought was of his strong hand and its warm, human touch.
I'm still finding Priss reacting this way towards Blackie hard to buy.
(Especially with the reaction she had towards his father)
I may have to describe this better because you're missing the point. The key
word
is 'human'. Priss really likes this guy and is afraid to take a chance. She
doesn't want
to find something bad about him. That's why she asks him about his father,
what his father did at Genom and then grabs his hand, wondering for a
fleeting moment if Blackie's a boomer . . . She's awfully good at picking
them out ;)
Behind the tapestry was a small, wooden door with a tarnished
brass ring for a handle. Holding the tapestry aside he grasped the ring and
pulled gently, trying to remain quiet. The door opened soundlessly revealing
a small dark room beyond.
How convenient -- a small bachelor apartment with a secret room <g>
The room is described as 'closet-sized'. It's his closet. Yeah it's cramped
(especially considering the size of rooms in Tokyo) but it will do. May need
better describing.
Jeanne Hedge
Jeanne you're getting tougher. Does this mean you like it? ;)
Thanks for the comments! You're the best!
Andy
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BG Cross
askuse@execulink.com
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