Hi Jeanne!
Jeanne Hedge wrote:
Here's my comments on Parts 3 and 4. :)
As her memory crystallized and her anger began its effort to take
hold, the front door opened and closed, choking the smoke in her brain that
struggled to become fire. She glanced at her gun sitting on top of her
clothes
and cursed under her breath for not grabbing it when she had the chance.
The guitar player stopped in the kitchen, hidden momentarily from her sight.
She waited until he rounded the corner and saw her awake. His face lit up
and he was about to speak when she cut him off.
Can Priss see the front door from her vantage point on the couch? If not,
then how does she know it's the guitar player that's come into the apartment?
Good point. I can see what you mean. In the paragraph previous to this one she
was recalling the events of the night before and did recall the guitar players
'rescue'. But this is not enough to support her guessing that it's the guitar
player entering. It could be a room mate. The use of the word 'momentarily'
throws off the 'kitchen wall blind spot' description. Perhaps better description
of the layout of the room (which is basically one relatively large room with a
kitchen and bathroom).
I
had to wrap your ribs. If I hadn't you might be in a lot more pain after your
bruises heal.
Actually, she'd be in a lot more pain, period. BTW - what about her back?
Wasn't it giving her so much pain that she couldn't move? And it happened
before she got kicked in the ribs.
Hmmm. Yes. That alleyway fight scene is haunting me. I'm working on a more
believable fight where she gets incapacitated but not so seriously. This has to
happen for our 'hero' to show up. Not so easy to do with Priss. Needs work.
The back was a bad choice.
The guitar player handed her the red T-shirt and then turned away as she
struggled painfully to put it on. Scanning his apartment for something else
to
<snip>
Priss looked up to see the guitar player standing with his hands in
his back pockets and a searching look in his shadowed eyes. She watched
When did he turn around so she could see his eyes?
Poor description. I'm trying to describe her partial view ('shadowed' eyes)
of his eyes as he's looking over at his guitar. Needs work.
"I'm Blackie by the way. It's Priss isn't it? I was gonna say
something back behind the bar there, but I didn't recognize you at first.
? When was he (or she) behind a bar? The first time he saw her, he was in
the alley and she was standing in the doorway at Hot Legs. When next they
met, she was flat out in the alley and he was playing hero.
Yeah. The sentence is worded poorly. The alley *is* behind a bar but the
words 'nightclub' or 'The Legs' might be more appropriate. Blackie is
referring to the moment when they stared at each other and did not
say anything. Needs work.
The guitar player handed her the red T-shirt and then turned away as she
struggled painfully to put it on. Scanning his apartment for something else
to
<snip>
Priss struggled to sit up and found that it wasn't too painful if she
didn't breathe too deeply. Once upright she reached slowly for her tea and
then lay back on the soft pillow to rest. Blackie clasped both hands around
When did she lay back down?
In the first section I did not state as to whether she sat up or lay back down
after putting on the T-shirt. But it is still awkward. Needs work.
Part 4. Cold Fire
moment, halting at the cyborgs glowing blue eyes. She was about to answer
PUNCTUATION ALERT! You need to pay attention to your possessives. In the
above it should be "cyborg's", not "cyborgs". There are other examples of
similar things scattered throughtout these chapters. (Just remember tho,
the possessive of "it" is "its", not "it's" <g>)
Possessive apostrophe application has always been confusing. I was once told
that the apostrophe should not be applied if the ownership is loose (example:
The trees roots or the cars wheels. These objects do not really *own* the roots
or wheels) but only if the ownership is strongly implied (example: john's hat
or the lawyer's desk). I don't remember who told me this but it's a habit
that's been hard to shake. As for the "its" and "it's" I thought I was doing
well with catching those but . . . ^_^
"What did your father do at Genom?", she said flatly.
Blackie looked up suddenly at Priss and saw a composed
expression on her face that he had not witnessed before. An expression
designed to fool the witless. "I don't know that much about his work really,"
he began, "he'd work in the office doing computer stuff mostly. We'd have
<snip>
"I didn't know my father that well really," Blackie continued abruptly as
if reading her thoughts,"I only spent about a year or two with him at work
and then the explosion happened. I don't remember too much before that."
Priss recalled Sylia's story about the death of her father in an
explosion
at the Genom building. The timeframes added up. Blackie's father must have
died in the same incident!
Huh? What timeframes? Has there been only 1 explosion in MegaTokyo in the
previous 16 years (2022-2038)? Maybe I'm blind, but I don't see any
connection at all between Blackie's dad and Sylia's dad.
Yes, this part has triggered a few protests. I revised this section just
yesterday but haven't posted it to the remailer yet as I was hoping to
get a little nore C & C about these parts. I'm glad I 'bugged' you^_^
Here's the update -
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"What did your father do at Genom?", she said flatly.
Blackie looked up suddenly at Priss and saw a composed
expression on her face that he had not witnessed before. An expression
designed to fool the witless. "I don't know that much about his work really,"
he began, "he'd work in the office doing computer stuff mostly. We'd have
dinner together and then I'd fall asleep in his office. I'd wake up in the
morning, we'd have breakfast then he took me to school." He stopped for a
moment lost in thought and then continued, "We never spent much time at
home. He was always way too busy. I never even knew my mother. She
died when I was young."
Priss noted his face was calm as he spoke. Relief swept over her
momentarily. So far he was telling the truth as far as she could tell. But
what was his father working on late at night?
"I didn't know my father that well really," Blackie continued abruptly as
if reading her thoughts,"I only spent about a year or two with him at work
and then the explosion happened. I don't remember too much before that."
Priss recalled Sylia's story about the death of her father in an explosion
at the Genom building. With her best guess at Blackie's age the timeframes
were close. Blackie's father could have died in the same incident . . . The
growing number of puzzle pieces flew in circles in Priss' tired mind, just
out of reach and in a frustratingly random pattern.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Seems a little 'convenient' sounding but the story is still 'rubber' as far as
I'm concerned.
Blackie inserted the cartridge into a slot on his computer console
and sat back and waited for it to be loaded. After a moment, a line of text
that read, "For Blackie Only", came up on the screen and then vanished as
abruptly as it had appeared. Images began to flash intermittently across the
screen, a computerized slide show of motorcycle designs, weapon designs
and finally blueprints for a graceful, armored suit. The slide show ended
and a man's mustached face appeared. Blackie sighed and stared at the face
that remained on the monitor. On the man's white lab coat was a badge that
read, "Dr. Katsuhito Stingray."
What, is he Sylia's unknown, secret brother or something? (the Black-sheep
of the family? ;-) )
Now Jeanne, you've left the realm of criticism and entered the realm of
content ;) All I can say is that the twist that you've uncovered stays true
to the BGCrisis plot development 'technique'. Check BGC #1 and look at
the data unit in Sylia's hand. Look at the big blue number on it. You'd be
amazed at how many people have told me that they never noticed the
#2 on it and never thought, "Who has #1?" On the other hand it's just a
number right? ;)
I don't know about some of this storyline. Sure, Priss is having emotional
problems right now (and *that* looks like it's becoming THE current theme in
BGC fan writing -- like trashing Akane Tendo seems to be the fad in Ranma
writing), but I don't buy her falling for this guy this fast (even if he did
rescue her).
Good. You shouldn't. She didn't grab his hand because she felt like it ;)
I had hoped the word 'human' might clarify her little 'grabbing the hand
test'. Maybe that section needs more work.
Funny, I thought it wasn't ready when I posted it but as they say
in the rock music circles, "You can't stay in the basement forever."
Ah well, maybe it'll all be clarified in the next part. (hint hint) ;-)
Maybe it will (hint, hint)^_^ I hope you're still sufficiently intrigued
to tag along for the action scenes coming up. That's when things get
really funky :)
Thanks for your very useful and appreciated criticisms. Now I'm very
glad I 'bugged' you. Thanks again Jeanne!
Andy
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BGCross
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